How I Spent My Summer December pt 1

Mood: happy. yeah, i actually am
Now Playing: love like woe by the ready set

I think this is going to be a pretty long post, as i want to write about what happened in my December. A lot of things happened, and call this rosy retrospection, but for now all i see are the good stuff, y'know. And i think i could get used to this, all of this living in the bright side. It makes me feel all tingly and funny inside, i may just check myself my insides if they're coated with butterflies and rainbows already.

So anyway, a lot of things happened during this December, and even though i'm tired enough already from writing, i've promised myself to recount all of these for the sake of nostalgia. I'm guessing this gives you a hint of what to expect in these posts, as all of these new year smoke and shit makes me feel so... so.. peaceful, i guess. No shit. It always comes in at the start of the year. You can't help but reminisce the shit out of yourself. Add the fact that StephenSpeaks is playing in the background and i can't seem to turn it off is not helping.

But anyway, more on that later. This captures my december, and i think i'll kick off with...

Baddingle Day

I started this day with the usual combo of tumbling in my bed at around 3, i think. After the usual process of bidding goodbye to my bed, i'm hit by the realization that it's a fucking Wednesday, and i don't have any classes every Wednesdays. "Holy shit," i thought to myself, half-awake and half-clutching a toothbrush coated with shampoo. "Matutulog ulit ako big time"

Big time meant waking up at around 10 and getting up properly at around noon. After feeding the huge pigeon that was my badingle present, i ended up spiraling into a reading session. By the time i resurfaced, i was only an hour or two away from the designated meeting time. And by the time i got to the designated meeting place, i was practically an hour late. So cool.

Speaking of cool, my journey to UST is a story in itself. I was carrying this huge motherfreaking pigeon on my lap for a full hour and a half. It seemed prudent then to ride at the back, so i don't disturb any passengers. However, riding at the back had it's drawbacks. For one, it became apparent that the one sitting across me was watching me the whole time, like how a lion stalks it's prey in the savannah. Hungry much, kuya? Hindi pwedeng kainin tong dala dala ko.

Anyway, i was there after being so late and such. When all of us had gathered already, it was a pretty awesome sight to see; a pigeon, a dog, a hermit crab, a chick, a turtle, two pairs of hamsters, two pairs of lovebirds, and three fishes were pooled in a pile at the center, with their cages and food and our bags strewn about the area. We looked like a mini petting zoo, and people were actually coming over to see what the hell was the commotion all about. People were randomly stopping at what they hoped were hidden places, shooting cameras and curious, discrete looks at our pets. Ha. As if we don't see you from behind those trees, dumb bitch. Haha.

It's a pretty funny feeling. I've never thought that i'd be sitting in a patch of grass with all sorts of people and animals beside me. I guess there's a first for all things, and i guess this includes bringing a pet pigeon to school, staying late at the university, or going to school just to play and bum around. There's a lot of firsts i'll have to conquer, yeah. But for now, i'm savoring this feeling you get when you receive something alive and precious for the first time.

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There's Always Something to Look Back To

So i forgot. Deo's birthday is every 5th of December, and this year, we went to ATC, using Sammy the Civic. Yeah, yeah i know. It's pretty JJ at this point in time, but back when i was a kid, it was heaven to go somewhere with a fountain. I was pretty easy to please, then i guess.

Anyway, we bought this huge Nerf gun which is basically your caked up pellet gun without the violence. It's painted in bright yellow and orange colors, you see, so it's a much kid-ful version of pellet guns. Plus, these Nerf things only spew out bits of styrofoam with rubber ends, so unless you're made out of paper, it's impossible to get hurt with these things.

After making the required number of tantrums for a ten year old, we trooped out of the store into this play center they have at the center of the mall, and the next thing i know, we're climbing this net thing they have, Das and I. Acting like the kids that i know we still are, shouting and waving down at the old guys down below. And i swear, all of those kids were just looking at us like we're elephants climbing a tree.

And i guess we were. Haha. There's always something to go back to, and this childhood place of craziness and unexpected surprises, is part of it.

So,

Mood: ready steady go
Now Playing: the ready set, love like woe

I forgot how it feels to be this free, and this so much stuffed with cake and icing and a whole host of other sweet things. Diets be damned, i am stuffing myself with this piece of shit.

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SO. An update on things:

Academically speaking, i'm still pretty okay. Haven't failed a test so far, and the lessons are aslkdjaslkd, at some point, but still it's manageable. I guess i should chalk this one up to a whole lot of things, but i guess not being alone takes the cake. That's all i have to say.

(draft created last dec 4, 2010. lol, ngaun lang na post. my life is in constant slow motion)

And oh, i forgot to mention that i'll be studying a special person for finals. I'll be doing a case report, administering tests... you know, the usual doctor stuff. Yeah. It's exciting, actually.

The Food Chain

Mood: queasy
Now Playing: crawl, veltpunch

I feel like the world is catching up to me today. The internet is a big place, and people are starting to like what i like, people are starting to visit the places i visit.

I don't think i like this at all. I feel so... sullied. Especially when people i don't even know ask me if i know what this means. Bitch.

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People need someone else below them, so they can vent out everything: bad grades, household chores, problems in the family."when you're miserable, you need to make someone even more miserable than yourself", says this character i know. Abyssus abyssum invocat.

And all this hate? All this misery? It just spirals down on that poor son of a bitch you vented everything out to. Each and every misfortune that happens to the people around them, they take upon themselves to carry, like crosses. They're roaches: people step on them to feel good. They're pests. They're insects. That's all they'll ever be in the eyes of many.

I guess this is why i sometimes find people disgusting. We cry when somebody achieves more than us. We dislike it when we are ridiculed. We turn to anger when things don't go our way. How can you expect me to like this kind of species? At the end of the day, we still need that someone who we'll look down upon. Isn't it enough that we hate so much?

Trust me. In any group setting, examine your surroundings. I bet you'll find one who's always made fun of.If you don't find one, look harder, it's there. You just don't see it. Remove that roach out, and there will be chaos: who else would take the blame? Or simple substitution: another roach will replace him.

Scientists called it the food chain. Psychologists called it defense mechanisms. As for the ones who are vented out upon? They call it hate.

Being human is overrated, i guess. Let's just be insects and get on with it.

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To the roaches of the world who rid it of it's filth: mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur, bitches. God knows your value.

Fury

Mood: infuriated
Now Playing: none

Your insensitivity amazes me. Yes, you do. And throw in your cheap sense of justice, too, you fucking asshole.

Out Of The Basket, Into The Fire

Mood: lazy
Now Playing: seasons, franco

I haven't posted as much stuff here as i should, so i'm just posting an update here to y'know, get my mind off things. I owe a lot of stories to this blog, and i swear i'll get around to writing them someday (specifically in the near future).

I guess i'm just posting here to put in this quote i remember from Jessica Zafra. I forgot the exact wording, but basically, she says that when she was a child, she used to play "chicken in the basket" with the other kids. This is, i think, one of the most accurate displays of life in a children's game ever: two people join hands to form a basket, and there is an "it" or a "chick" inside of these baskets. Unfortunately, there is also one "it" or a "chick" outside of them. At a given signal, all of the baskets are released, and the "chicks" inside them go out and go inside another basket. Ultimately, there would always be a chick left outside.

Anyway, Zafra shares her experience and her insight: it was traumatizing to be the perpetual chick outside of the baskets. And then she realized that maybe she was never made to be a chick inside the basket and she has been comfortably alien ever since.

I think this is a very inspirational story. Very inspirational indeed.

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Anyway, i just got over the 1st day of class, and it wasn't as horrible as i should be. Going home, i mulled over the same things, ate the same things, bought the same things.

I should add another detour, i think.

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Eating Overboard

Mood: hunger
Now Playing: one of us, joan osborne.

10/20/10

(This one is a draft i've saved, but never got the time to finish. Well, except for now, of course)

So today, i sort of went overboard and ate everything. No kidding. Since this morning, i have stuffed myself with Sumo Loops Biscuits, Hansel, christmas ham, candies, two glasses of Mountain Dew and a shot of brandy, before capping it all off with a 2:30 AM McDo delivery of double cheeseburger meal - with the medium fries and softdrink. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me, eh?

And that's not even counting my pre-delivery anxiousness - I COULD NOT DECIDE WHERE TO PLACE A FUCKING DELIVERY. At first i thought of Mcdo's cheeseburgers and floats, then of Kowloon House's giant special siopao with a bit of pork siomai at the side, then of KFC's zingers and gravy-coated fries, then of Yellowcab pizzas. Might i add that i went through all of those options at 12 in the fucking morning? It's pitiful, actually, considering taht i was munching biscuits at the time.

If i eat anything more, i swear i'd inflate and balloon over the pacific. asljdlakaksdl. I've always liked food, but not to this extent; this is ridiculous, not to mention irritating.

... now excuse me while i go finish my fries. :D

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Whenever i can, i always make it a point that i eat something on the way home. Nothing too fancy, of course. Like using my trike fare for a bite of fishballs, or chicken strips or even isaw from the local stands around home. I don't know why, but i guess this annoying habit came from the time i was a kid. After hearing Mass on Sundays, we'd go to this plaza not far from home. We still had the old owner back then (an owner that was assembled by dad. No kidding) and we'd nip inside a Tropical Hut (that was the shiznit back then) and i'd be real pleased, cause they'd give me coffee and pineapple juice along with whatever i'd have for the day.

And that was, i think, the rule for any wandering: eat before you go home. Whenever we'd finish watching a movie, we'd grab a plate of good ol' Jollibee spag and chicken or a quick bite of Henlin's siopao, or maybe your usual sago gulaman and turon at any vehicle station.

And i don't think this is limited to my family. I've been asking around, and it seems that people do really eat something before they go home.

I find this terribly endearing. We eat to fill our stomachs, but it also seems to me that we eat to fill something else.

Fin

Mood: lazy
Now Playing: jaaaaaaa's august

This is a letter addressed to someone in the future, 20, 30 or so years from now.


Woke up at around midnight today. I tumbled off my bed and somehow, i had this overwhelming urge to write. I managed to scribble a few lines, but alas, sleep gripped me again, and i fell back unto my pillows.

4:10 a.m. At 4:20, i crept downstairs and made myself breakfast; a simple sandwich and coffee combo.

What's odd is that the whole time i was making the sandwich and heating up the coffee machine, i kept thinking of how unfair your current self is. You're bitchy. You're greedy. You're resentful and frankly, you're not that good of a person at all. But the biggest bitch-fact of them all is how near-sighted you are. You talk of beautiful things, of graceful things, of grandiose things. But i count the days when you'd finally see that the world is not always made of any of those beautiful things, and we're all just sticks in the mud. I'm sorry, but we were just not built that way. Asshole.

We're human. We defecate, we vomit, we cuss. But our biggest beauty lies in the realization that we can do all of those things, and more. Is this so hard a concept that you cannot even grasp a tiny fraction of it? In behalf of all the male creatures in the world, i beg your forgiveness. We're sorry we're not beautiful or grandiose or graceful enough. Ito na yun.

I take a bite off my sandwich, and i take a sip of my coffee. It's been years since we last met, and a good chunk of those years were spent with both of us stewing in our pots. I'm a mess. This isn't even a shadow of what i used to be. No, seriously. I'm better than this, cooler than this, manlier than this. It's like i addressed so many crap to you already that now my hand goes on automatic mode. It's always the same shit. I hate it. This is going to sound so emotional, but I hate how every word, how every letter reminds me of you and your scent. I hate it i hate it i hate i hate it. It always circles back to you, y;know? I won't lie to you, it hurts every single time. It's irritating, even. I want to write about something new, about someone new, about someplace new. But why does it always circle back to you, you asshole?


I kind of miss some stuff right now, and i kind of don't. It's that time of the year, after all, yeah? I doubt that you'd still remember what happened then, but i don't know. How can you be so dense? How can you be so oblivious? How come you have the license to dance around people and i don't? How come you can shrug off days of whatever-it-was in just a second? This is unfair, and i doubt that you'd ever realize this. I doubt that you'd realize you've become this thing i can't get rid of. Will you? I don't think so.

I don't hate you, despite the empirical evidence. I just want to get back the things i gave. But i know that it's impossible, and i think i really wouldn't want that anyway. Keep it, you sick son of a bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. I hope you find a good use for it. It's not your fault anyway, i guess. It's my fault entirely for staying rooted in the past, for being grounded on something imaginary.

And another thing. Here you go, I'm giving you the first of the final words i spun that night. Remember? just like what i've said before, the night i stayed outside. You don't remember this, as you were fast asleep by then.

Fly so hard you wouldn't have to run. Love so hard you wouldn't have to hurt.

I hope it serves you well. It's all good. It's all good.

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This is, i think, my 17th attempt at writing a letter, 18th if you count that one time i took the bus. This is my 16th letter to you, and the 2nd one to get published in one of my blogs. This took 3 drafts to complete, and roughly 3 hours to finish, This probably contains a lifetime's worth of unconcealed and concealed thoughts.

One Liners

Fly so hard you wouldn't have to run

Weekends

Mood: huh? Now Playing: none

Went to eat at Bento-ya today. Pretty cool place. The food was great, the ambiance was great, and the whole mini library thing was a nice touch, as were the counter and the bottles behind it. For 700 pesos, we managed to squeeze in sukiyaki, california maki, gyoza, some kind of tofu with bonito flakes, and kani salad. And o yeah, sake was there, too.

Yeah. Flavor christmas in my tongue, yo.

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My thoughts on Mendoza's kidnap event:

Do not romanticize what is evil, people. There were killings (and brutal ones, at that) , and no amount of reason should be equal to the value of life. People talk about killing the source of evil - the government, the media, the police - but in reality, the source of evil is not these organizations by themselves, but rather the creatures behind it. Yes, i am talking about the human race. To eradicate all evil we must eradicate the human race. See how absurd it sounds? Yes, i knew you would.

And to the police, what the hell is wrong with you guys? Knowing how unstable the guy is, i kind of expected that you guys were going to act according to the situation. What happened was a lapse in... i dunno, brain cells, i think.

And to the media, i know how important it is to get a scoop, an angle, another story. But gdamit, what were you guys thinking? I expected the media to cooperate with the police. I would have expected the media to be for the citizens. But come on. In light of the situation, i advise all of you out there to exercise common sense.

Suffice it is to say that we are all idiots, leading an idiotic charge. To which flag, i do not know. I just hope that someone up there has an idea.

On Love and Bebe

Mood: nothing
Now Playing: use somebody, as covered by AC.

So this Saturday i went to this comic convention with Camille, Bren and Nichola. T'was alright, i guess. But i think the venue should have been bigger, with more stalls. CSC Central wasn't even there, as was the same case with Cast. And i guess it totally needed more stalls. lkasjdlaskdja. Anyway, i was sorely tempted to cash out the little mound of money i've saved for about a week, but i managed to control myself and just bought the comic about Orpheus, Morpheus' son.

Anyway, im typing here to save in this conversation i overheard in the fx ride i took to get there. There were two middle-aged women at the back, and apparently they were talking about a girl named Bebe. They were talking about how awfully wasted Bebe's life was for marrying the wrong guy. From what i gather (and i either gather much or not at all), Bebe was being courted by this guy from Mercury Drug. Mercury Drug Guy was good. He was well-off enough, polite and good with elders. And he's well-off enough (emphasis on enough). Well-off enough to treat and woo not the girl herself, but the girl's brother and sister to malls every weekend. The two women were all for Mercury Drug guy. "Who wouldn't?" they would say. "He's talented, well-off enough and polite. Choose him, Bebe! Choose him!"

But apparently, Bebe did not choose Mercury Drug Guy. Instead, Bebe chose someone poorer than she is, and the poor shmuck of a guy is now even bed-ridden with heart disease. And the two women were like this "sayang naman si Mercury Drug Guy. Ang Bobo talaga ni Bebe at pinakawalan pa niya. Bobo, tanga at matigas ulo" the WHOLE FREAKING TIME.

We were nearing Baclaran then, and they were going to mass. I wasn't much bothered by their conversations the few minutes before. But when i heard this line from the woman across me:

"Dapat kasi sa ganyan, hindi pinapairal ang pag-ibig. Dapat eto o. Eto (points to head). Hindi ka papakainin ng puso mo. Hindi niya mapapagaral anak mo. Tingnan mo yang si Bebe. Mahirap na nga, mahirap pa ang pinangasawa"

What the fuck. I didn't know what to say, so i just shut up and gazed out the window, my mind a blur of thoughts. They alighted a little ways off the Baclaran church, and i stared at them as my FX speeded away.

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I know im not the most romantic dipshit out there, and i know i have a lot of things to learn and understand about love and all it's shit. But i think that what those two women said were definitely crap, and don't get me started on how stupid it is to discuss something so private in another person's life inside a public vehicle.

I think i speak for a lot of us when i say that love is a shitty feeling, but it shouldn't be governed by something as material as money. Even if you say that love is overrated, love is bitter, love is shit, the thing is, it IS all that, MORE of that even. It is never easy, it is never easy-going. It is a constant struggle of shitty days versus even shittier days, with the possible exception of happy sunshiny days, and they come in fewer and fewer doses as the years pile up.

But that's not to say that love should be ruled by material want, no. Whatever happened to the feeling that you had when you were a teenager? When you believed that everything is possible, that everything is within your reach? Does it expire as easily as the days that go by? Does it expire when the world eats you and your daily life? Or does it expire the day that you lose your faith in it?


... yeah, i think so too, you middle aged assholes.

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I think i swore to myself, once. To never ever let the kid inside die. To never ever stop believing in life and all it's intricacies. But then i realize how much time i have spent hunting for good music nowadays. Mostly kasi, it's just the same old routine: go to school. have fun. study. wake up, rinse and repeat. At times, it's peppered with other people's problems, bumming around and just having fun. Don't get me wrong... i love my friends to bits. And that's saying something already, as i don't love that many a thing.

But i just want to do something with my life. It feels like i've been watching my life play on and on while i'm just at the backseat, y'know? I feel like i'm a fucking doormat. I want to take charge, for once and decide how to do things, how to fuck around without worrying what would happen tomorrow. It feels like im in a fucking perpetual "safety mode". Gdmnit.

I feel like im on the wrong side of things. Or maybe the wrong course? Carol C. says i should be somewhere in ads. But i think she's lying, because Carol C. is a huge bitch. lol joke and peace. I dunno shit.

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Why are people so hard to understand, i wonder?

Things

Mood: fail
Now Playing: yui, cherry

I have a knack for losing things.

I don't know why, but i keep on losing stuff. Just this day, i lost my freaking 8 - MONTHS phone. What the fuck, i keep on saying to myself. How can you lose a fucking phone? What the fuck, indeed.

I think my memory wires are wired wrong somewhere, as i tend to remember the wrong facts at the wrong time. Or if that isn't the case, i'm preoccupied - there's a huge bunch of stuff wrapped around my mind that i can't put my finger on a specific it. Thoughts are a already wretched, wretched thing, but being thoroughly immersed in them however, is even worse.

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I guess i should start picking myself up again, soon. I have about a dozen things to save up for, and about half a dozen things to save. Not to mention life is brutally after my life and apparently stress wants every inch of me.

Picking up yourself from the ground is a process, but it's never ending. If this is true, then does this mean that we're always in the ground, that we're always wallowing in pity? Nope, i don't think so. The laws of physics help me in this one: in order to fall, we must be standing up, first.

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I'm not confusing what i study from what i see in real life here, but i think i have a condition. S'alright, it's nothing to harp on about, nothing serious or even remotely fatal. I even hear that all of this might be just imagined, y'know. After all, it's not hard to relate to something if you've been reading it for the past three years already.

i guess even if you dismiss it as something common, it is still there. Gaahd.

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I don't want to lose stuff anymore. People are temperamental and leave, sometimes even at the most inopportune times. But come on, it doesn't follow that objects have to go that path, too.

Tomorrow is Pretty Near

Mood: fine
Now Playing: CHERRY- YUI

I really like YUI. Even though her songs are mostly in japanese, and she's like a hundred miles away from here, i really really like her songs. I dunno if it's because i think girls that can play instruments are fucking cool. I dunno if it's because my mastery of the japanese language is a working progress, and yet i can still understand the emotions stitched into ever word. I dunno if it's because of the fact that YUI is a girl who like wearing band shirts and jeans and sneakers and she looks pretty fucking comfy in it. I dunno, i just dunno. She's amazing.

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Prelims ended today, yay! Bummed around at Bren's for a while before wandering the aisles of department stores alone. Pretty funny fact: i like doing my shopping alone. When i was a kid, i always got this set amount of money from mom before going out to shop for school supplies.

Anyway, i'm sitting here bumming around, and i kind of wish i had this bottle of soy milk around. Crap. should have brought one ages ago. askljdask.

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Thought about things after watching taiyo no uta, and reaffirmed some of the laws i have established about life and it's complexities. Won't go into details here - typing taxes me now gahdamet - but one thing's for sure. Getting the facts straight is one thing. Getting them done, however, is another.

To Sophie,

This is a long, long overdue post.

People think it's weird for me to name things. To enumerate, i have an iPod named Elizabeth, a desktop pc named User, cellphones named Marx (MIA) and Jeeplings, and of course, the cake on top of the icing, a laptop named Sophie.

Sophie is fucking awesome. She's seen me on my worst days, and all of the days more worse than worse days. I guess as someone who aspires to write, sophie was like a huge venting machine. Ideas for novels, short stories and the like flooded her every now and then. She knows how fucking infuriating it is for me to have a dozen word documents open, full of half baked ideas and crap. She knows how hard it is for me to stop surfing the net whenever there's something interesting afloat the webspace. She knows how that weird stain on my shirt got there in the first place.

She knows how much i really really really like mirai shida and horikita maki. She knows how i fail so much when i try and write a novel, and yes, she knows that that for the record, the highest number of chapters i have ever written for a single novel is just a single digit. She knows how much i slip up and fuck up. She knows where i keep the keys to everything. She knows how i like to sleep in during the day with music.

She knows how much i cried at fucking drama movies. She knows what my 1st published article is. She know how much i liked to edit videos and stuff, she knows the right programs, the right pace, the right games. She fucking knows me.

And now i am faced with the fact that i may indeed have to invest in another unit, another one like sophie. And honestly, im sorely tempted to do so; who wouldn't want another laptop unit, possibly even better than sophie could ever hope to be?

But no. I'll save this lunk of metal even it drains me.

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More visceral version:

EVEN IF IT FUCKING DRAINS ME, YOU PIECE OF FUCKING COCK METAL ASS SHIT. I shall save you, because i miss yooooou. GDMIT SOPHIE. Getfucking better soon.

What I Realized This Weekend

Mood: haah?
Now Playing: nothing

Yeah, im just dropping in to say that this week ended pretty much okay. Thankfully the things that bothered me at the start, resolved themselves all on their own. It's fucking amazing, actually. But it's not to say it stressed the living hell out of me; it really freaking did. Every night it's a struggle to stay awake, a struggle to open my eyelids. It's really.. i dunno. Tiring.

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Pretty good Sunday. Woke up at around 7, got out of bed a few minutes past 12 to a lunch of pretty fucking tasty kare-kare. Shiiit. Ate with the family today, and gorged myself on delicious cupcakes for dessert. At 3, tita whipped up some delishus canton and drinks and bread and as a result, i ate again. Still feeling the effects of all the food i ate, and that's not counting the chicken mom brought the night before.

Life is tasty.

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So after CSJ's general assembly this saturday, i found myself at Hidalgo again. It's a sort of mental tick; when in doubt, go to Quiapo. When depressed, go to Quiapo. When everything's fine, go to Quiapo. I dunno.

Went wandering the streets for a while, and was sorely tempted to eat the streetside chicken chicken. Brought a few DVDs and some PC games, said hello to the church and walked the bridge to the post office. Was sorely tempted to buy some trinkets at the underpass, but naah. Figured i could do without it, anyway.

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Some thoughts on this week's happenings:

I always remind myself to write. To practice the craft of mixing thoughts into paper, to immerse myself in the incredulity that is today. Writing has never been easy, regardless of what people tell you. You are your worst critic, and time is both your enemy and your friend.

That's all i have to say about it, for now. *exit stage right*

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I think Das is going to buy a guitar today. I'm pretty stoked about it, since it's been a while since i've played anything on any instrument. (Save the piano at rm 318, and that doesn't even count as i had no idea what i was doing, though i trust my 'instructor' would have a few words to say about the subject) I kind of miss it, i guess. I'm no guitar player, i just know a handful of chords, and that's it. But the thing is, everything has a beginning, and sometimes when they don't it's up to you to make one.

^ above principle applies to life in general too, i guess.

Winging This Week

Mood: kerazyzileh
Now Playing: well, this particular comp shop is spamming rico blanco tunes over the airwaves, so i guess that's that.

I'm freaking winging this week. I have a ton of stuff to do, and in all honesty, i'm not sure if i can actually finish all of those shit, (and here i am, blogging. alkasdj) but the thing is, i'm feeling more than lazy. It's hard to explain if you haven't tried out a skateboard yet. I'm not the biggest boarder out there, heck i haven't mastered tricks yet. But i guess what im after is the thrill, the danger that you'd fall and rip open your jeans and skin. Y'know, the feeling when you push off the ground and your other foot is on the board and there's this sudden imbalance or shit? That kind of thrill.

It's like the inverse of nirvana. In nirvana, you more or less realize your meaning. You know what you're gonna do, you know what you're out to find and all of those classy cute stuff.

In vananir (lol, i know it's not a real word, just the inverse of nirvana but bear with me), you don't. You don't know if you're gonna fall, you don't know if you're gonna fly. You just do it, and live in that moment. And whether you do fall or you do fly, what's important is that you did.

I dunno, it's fucking confusing to me, too. But going back, i guess this is what im doing this week. I'll be fucking winging it so hard, i will fucking fly.

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What the hell is up with brownies and cookies? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING YUMMY. And while we're at it, what is the fucking big deal, cream-filled cupcakes? WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH DELICIOUS INSIDE OF YOU. And speaking of, why are langka tarts so FUCKING DELISHUUUUUUS *brainmelts*

If you guys were people, i swear, we would be freaking friends for life.

Five Minute Complaints

Mood: stressed, but high
Now Playing: none. aljdlasdj

So, my Sophie has been restored. She's now sporting a new W7 look, but still classy as ever. Yeah, that's my girl. B-) Anyhoo, she's lost a whole bunch of files, and since im a damn masochist, i've been tallying up the things i've lost:

1. A Whole Bunch of Movies
and not just any bunch of movies, some of them took goddamn forever to leech off the internet. I already checked out some of them, and the torrent links are DEAD. DEAAAAAAAAAAAAD.I felt like ripping off my clothes and screaming WHYYYYYYYYYYYY but i controlled this insufferable feeling and instead punched the crap out of household appliances. kidding, i'm such a nice guy i could kiss myself.

I miss my garden state, my big fish, my juno and asjdlaskjdksajd. I forgot i also "made" (in this context, "scavenged" is the right-er term) a number of homegrown movies for a shitload of people, both academic and not. Crapfastic. Whenever i think about the huge amount of time i spent editing/downloading/craptasticating this mini library of vids, i cry.

2. A Whole Bunch of Pictures
And then i cry some more.

Shitcakes, the photoooos. The photooooooos! I guess it's a good thing i've uploaded some of the stuff i have online.. but still. BUT STILLL.. unf.

3. A Whole Bunch of Programs

I'm not too fussed about this, to be honest. I've already gotten a copy of photoshop, and some of the brushes are, admittedly, hard to find but no biggie. I'll manage in a weekend or two. (notice how i count free days as weekends)

4. A Whole Bunch of Documents

I feel like a lost a child. Some of those documents were pretty fucking messed up, it isn't even funny. Every last dysfunctional part of myself was pretty much fucked up to begin with, but having it on something concrete, like on a document page, for instance, made me laugh. I guess having it on paper seemed so real and fucked up that it makes you think: "what the fuck am i doing, i've got to make this right". And in that essence, that moment of clarity, i laughed.


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I guess that's enough whining for the day. I've got to pull myself together,right now. Fuck, i feel so coolsauce.

Secrets

Mood: the mojo is gone
Now Playing: nothing

I kind of like myself when im drinking chocolate. I get this weird conversations inside my head, you see. Don't get me wrong, they're not the multiple personality disorder kind, but instead conversations from people i usually create out of nothing. Sort of like a dialogue. I dunno. I find it pretty funny. There was once a dialogue between two pairs of siamese twins, and they kind of wished they could swap twins for a day. That kind of shit.

The Things We Ignore

Mood: carpe diem~ish
Now Playing: april chase, paper mache

Holy crap i'm high on Ovaltine right now

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Anyhoo, here's a list of what happened to me this weekend:

1) Expelab report

Yes, that's about it. I'm such a fucking winner. :)) Expepsychlab is... to say the least, very very tiring. It consumes about a ton of one's braincells, and more. Like it consumes one's soul and shit. Y'know, all of that "deep" thing, only a hundred times worse; this being grounded in real life and all. Yeah.

ANDOH,SHITCAKES. I almost forgot. I just got the love of my life (sophie, the laptop) checked last Saturday. The guy with a weird face told me that she'll be needing new disks, so that means i'll probably be missing a lot of files and pictures and files and pictures. It sucks, yeah. But losing Sophie sucks even more, so i caved in and shelled 2K for the downpayment of stuff.

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This is one of the days (usually Mondays or Fridays) that i tell to myself that im gonna achieve something big, like getting published as an author, or suddenly acquiring awesome parkour/skating skills, or getting nominated for an award or receiving a trip to Venice and/or Italy on a scholarship grant. Yes, that big.

But when these days happen, all of those incredible things happen at a flash of light. There's no toil, no hard work, no sweat off my brow. It just happens. Bada bing, bada boom, and presto!

And at the end of days like these, i am hit by the realization that no matter where i look, no matter where i set my sights upon, there will always be huge mountains. And though there is a level and safe passage between those mountains, it's a passage that holds a huge number of people; for this is where the common people walk: The Road Most Traveled. Taken without hope, without passion, this road inevitably eats everyone up in the ordinariness of everything.

*inthevoiceofalittleboy*
I don't want to get eaten upppp~

aaand, cue epic crying. Cut.

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Bought a bunch of books at Powerbooks' PowerSale! last Saturday. A book of poems by Jean Sprackland and Christopher Pike's Die Softly. I haven't had the time to read yet (shit, it sounds pitiful even as i typed them in) so for now they're at my bed, waiting to be opened.

Like i said a couple of posts back. I want to write again.

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AND LOL GOOGLE CHROME. Hahaha. It translated my previous post. Here's the 1st paragraph:

I suddenly concentrated naisipang write Tagalog, and in fact, I'm having trouble. I do not know why, but I always forget what punctuation to every part of the 'big sentence, if the bugs made up every word and how to do each story in Tagalog. Ewan, too troublesome mind now. Gumugulo many things. Like flies. The hardness of the head, I said stay away first, still ahead approach.

LOL!! It sounds like a drunk conyo. With bullets in his head. Smoking weed and drinking horse piss. LOLOLOLOLOL.


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And just had to say this, but i just fucking realized.

I've been 18 for quite a while now. I AM GETTING OLD NOOOOOOOOO

Guni Guni

Bigla kong naisipang magsulat ng puro Tagalog, at sa totoo lang, nahihirapan ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero palagi kong nakakalimutan kung ano ang dapat bantas sa bawat parte ng 'sang pangungusap, kung pano binubuo ang bawat salita at kung papaano ginagawa ang bawat kuwento sa Tagalog. Ewan, masyadong magulo pa ang isip ko ngayon. Maraming bagay ang gumugulo. Parang mga langaw. Ang tigas ng ulo, sinabi ko ng lumayo muna, sige pa rin ang lapit.

Para sa isang diskusyon sa kursong Panitikang Pilipino, naatasan akong magbasa ng isang maikling kwento ni Merlinda Bobis. Ma mura mura ako pagkatapos kong mabasa ang seleksyon. Si Bobis din pala ang may-akda ng matagal ko ng ng binabasa sa silid-aklatan, ang Banana Heart Summer. Nakakatuwa lang isipn na hanggang sa ngayon, binabalikan pa rin ako ng aklat na 'yon. Tadhana, kung tutuusin. Hindi ko pa kasi tapos e.

Nakakatuwang isipin na sa dami dami ng pwedeng mabasa, ang kay Bobis pa. Hindi ko alam a, pero sa pagkakabasa ko ke Bobis, palaging me patungkol sa pagkain ang kanyang sinusulat. Maganda at malinis ang pagkakagawa. Kung hindi pagkain, kabataan. Kung hindi kabataan o pagkain, inosensya. Ang ganda lang.

Sa ganitong daan tumatakbo ang isipan ko noon nung hinalintulad ko ang sarili ko ke Bobis. Ang galing kasi. At doon ko napagtanto na walang kwenta ang mga ginagawa ko ngayon. Siryoso. Napaka basura lamang at walang halaga. Masyadong mababaw, masyadong klaro at masyadong... walang kalaman laman ang mga naisusulat ko.

Kailangan ko pang magsanay.

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May kilala ako, at sobrang natutuwa ako sa kanya. Ang galing galing nyang sumulat, at sa katunayan, talagang gumagawa siya ng hakbang upang maipalimbag (?) sa mga dyaryo o magasin ang mga akda niya. Wala lang. Ang gandang isipin na sa bawat pag-yuko nya upang magsulat, may plano na siya at alam na niya ang dapat nyang gawin. Samantalang ako? Samantalang tayo? Anong ginagawa natin? Nakakasawa ng tumunganga lamang. Nakakasawa ng maging tapakan ng tao.

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Sinabi ng aking propesor kanina na kailangan mo daw gumalaw. Kailangan mong gumalaw para sa iyong sarili, maging mapusok at matapang sa tamang paraan. Nais kong maniwala sa kanya at sundin ang mga payo nya sa klase, subalit, ewan. Hindi ganoon kadali magbago. Lalo na't kung ako ikaw at ikaw ako? Mahirap. Sobrang hirap ang pagbabago.

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Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ang dami daming tao na ang hilig makipagkumpitensya. Inaano ba kita jan? Labo mo, tsong. Kung nais mong sayo lamang nakatutok ang ilaw, sayo na't wala akong interes sa mga ganyang klase bagay. Sapat na sakin sa likod kung saan madilim at puwede ka pang matulog. Hindi ba?

Always

Mood: huh?
Now Playing: the pokemon theme song

In order to celebrate the almost recent release of the trailer of the last movie in the harry potter series, i give you this:

Lily's love. via http://www.fanpop.com (which, might i clarify, do not visit. just seen it off google. yep.)

Severus Snape's character has got to be the most pitiful character i have ever seen, but also the most compassionate. This is a bit late, but Rowling is a huge bitch for throwing that huge twist. Spoilers:

“But this is touching, Severus,” said Dumbledore seriously. “Have you grown
to care for the boy, after all?”
“For him?” shouted Snape. “Expecto Patronum!”
From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe. She landed on the office floor,
bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore
watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape,
and his eyes were full of tears.
“After all this time?”
“Always,” said Snape.

Damn it, Snape. Pass me that box of tissues.

Whatever Sails Your Boat

Mood: irritated
Now Playing: nothing.

It's a Saturday, and I can't believe how pissed off i am. You know how it's hard to talk to people you don't really know? Turns out, we have to generalize it even more; it's hard to talk to people, even to those that you DO know. You say that we're friends, but friendship asks for more than just the common ground, the acceptance and all that shit. Sure, all of these qualities are important, but come on! You can't live on common ground and acceptance at all. It asks for certain things, and these certain things vary day by day, whether it be just a smile or a hello or an open ear or an open hand or just fucking "ui".

I know that people need someone of lesser importance to make them feel less like shit. People do that; I've seen this happen lots of times, and i've been both on the giving and the receiving end. We make others feel like shit to make us feel less miserable. That's why we have all of these cases of black sheeps in EVERY FUCKING group there is - school, workplace, family circles. I understand that. And just in case you don't know this, you only do this whenever your ego's burnt, or whenever you're depressed or whenever you're just trying not to cry (yes you fucker, i know when you're trying not to cry). AND I FUCKING TOLERATE ALL THAT SHIT. You think im just some asshole out there? Fine, and just so you know, i know you'll be okay once she starts coming home. She deserves you, and you deserve her, and you were great together. You think i'm just a stupid prick who can't even see straight? Yeah, sure and remember that fucker's a jerk for leaving, and i know things will get better eventually. Yeah, that's right, you fucking cunt. FUCKUFKFUCKFUCKC.

I don't want to complain, i fucking don't, really. But patience is a fucking virtue, and i've never been a virtuous person.It just fucking sucks, you know that? You think that it doesn't matter? You think that it doesn't hurt? FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. I'm sorry to break the news and im sorry to have to be the one to tell this to you, but it does. It DOES matter and it DOES hurt, you fucking ass. Only reason im still here is that i know this... whatever THIS is - it deserves better. It deserves all of the second chances in the world. FUCK THAT. It deserves the very best of all the second chances in the world. You're better than this. I'm better than this. Come on, man. Don't waste all of my patience away.

And by the way, don't think for a second that you know every inch of me. You don't know what i do, what i see, and the reason i do all of those meaningless things. You don't fucking know me at all. And one more thing, just in case other people get any ideas: NO, THIS POST DOES NOT REFER TO YOU AT ALL. Get your head out of your ass.

I can't believe how pissed off i am that i am forced to write a hate post. A HATE POST. FUCK. You realize what this means? YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS? I WROTE A FUCKING HATE POSLKWDLKASJDASJDASJSAKDJGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHQWUS

You Will Never Bore Me

Mood: wanting

Now Playing: FOE radio

Don't you just wish you could hop in one of these and just drive away?

via tumblr. http://talktothewalls.tumblr.com/page/25

i should really get me one of those tumblr things.

How To O(gre)rg an Org Fair and Other Musings

Mood:(s)paced out
Now Playing: imago, sundo

done over a span of a week and a half. yeah, i know. late post is late, but what the hell.

i

So this year's theme was countries or something, and CSJ got the Germany ticket. I only know three things German: Kuya Rudy, beer and the Berlin Wall. And of course, let's not forget Hitler, so that puts my German list up to four. Still not a reasonable amount, i know right, but hey, whatever sticks, right?

This whole org affair lasted from Monday to Wednesday, and in that amount of time, we're supposed to reel in fresh and talented writers from the throng of unknown faces. It's a hard task, since i have reason to believe that writers are naturally timid people who speak with their pen and keyboard, not with their mouths. OR they're the complete opposite and be like this whizzing balls of energy ricocheting everywhere. Anyway, bottom line is, there's practically no middle ground, and it's hard to get them to join our happy org wagon.

There are a lot of things i'm just not meant to do, and i guess this is one of them. To reel in freshmen, I was standing here one moment and then off in a hurry the next. The heat was getting to me and there were an incredibly huge amount of people (who were not freshies) shouting and screaming "JOIN OUR ORG! JOIN OUR ORG!" so freaking hysterically that it was just plain fucking ridiculous. I'm sorry and i know it's just probably me and another streak of weirdness, but we're freaking sophies and juniors and senior students of the college of science, dude. Not some flea-bitten, fish-flipping shipdip on the market on a hot Sunday afternoon. It was just somewhat overboard, and frankly, it didn't help to add to the noise and the heat.

And let me tell you one thing; it just plain fucking sucked to be ignored. No one likes to be ignored, espescially when all you have to do is just smile and say "no thanks". Heck, I'll probably smile at you back (and curse you under my breath, but that's just me). I mean, what the hell did i do? I was just fucking trying to ask if you'd like a magazine. And i'm fucking smiling and people should know it's hard for me to smile and it's bad for my health to smile for a long time and then huh? Dedma langs? Nyay, sorry. Importante ka pala.

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I

I sort of had an epiphany this morning, as i rolled over and over in my bed. The thing is, we're all human beings by default, but it takes a lot more than just existing to become a person.

I remember spewing back in highschool that we're lucky to even exist. Like how compared to a rock, we're infinitely much better because we have the seat of emotions and logic on our side and we're capable of being aware of ourselves and our existence. Not unlike a rock, of course which will never feel a thing if we crack one open.

Now i revise; we're lucky to be existing, but we have the capability to be luckier than that. We can become someone. It takes a lot of courage to seek what we really want to be, and even more of it to take a hold of it for yourself. But once taken by the hem, it's ridiculously rewarding. I've seen this happen to a lot of friends and people in my life, but it never fails to amaze me. There's this guy who knows what he wants after college, and he is currently doing everything he can to reach it. There's this friend who knows that she wants to write, so she joins in this awesome programs and contests and seminars, and what-have-you. And still, there's another who believes in what he wants to be (although circumstance and other people's opinions say otherwise),and strives to achieve it. It's amazing, what more can i say? I want that. I want to realize what i really want to be. I tell people that i want to be a professor and a dad, but i'm not really sure if i want all that, y'know? I'm never sure about things, but i was hoping that in this question, in this manner, i would be sure about it.

Yeah, i know i suck. I just realized all of this a few hours ago. So now i think the more important question is: what the hell must we do to find this reason?

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ii

So yesterday i watched one of my friends in a judo practice session, and i was like "whoa" the whole time. And it was the good kind of "whoa", the kind that you do when your friend flips this large guy that's easily taller than him.

In a way, it was like watching a cockfight. We were behind this screen or something, looking at these bunch of people (both men and ladies) flip each other over. We walked off somewhere for a while, and when we come back, we see all of them doing these cool-down excercises that looked like, well, not cool-down excercises. They looked more like warm-ups to me, but i guess that's only because i know nothing of the art.

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iii

I met a lot of people this week, and it's pretty cool. I don't get to meet people that often, because apparently, a lot of them find me.. too weird. loljk, i dunno. I'm just not a people person; i think it's the dad side in me.

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II

So i got a message from someone this week, and it honestly GMH. I've been complaining about this for months now, about y'know, how we try so hard to find... things. And i think it's fair to say that to find things, we need to start moving ourselves, to grasp into that blanket of nothingness and trust that there will be indeed a hand waiting for ours on the other side of that nothingness. And i admit, it's a terrifying thought. But what can you do? Lost things need to be found, and who better to find your own lost things but, well, yourself?

I think i have something more to say regarding this subject, but again, im out of HP and MP, so.


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xx

Mahirap maglaro ng taguan. Lalo na't sa gabi tayo naglalaro. Bawat kaluskos, bawat tunog, bawat yapak ng paa, ang sa yo lamang ang inaabangan. At kahit na nakakatakot maghagilap sa kadilimang ito, hindi ako mangangamba o madadapa. Bakit? Dahil alam kong ikaw ang kasama ko.

sana lang makita na kita kaagad.

How To Find Things

Mood: Mosby'd.
Now Playing: none.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and i still have no answer. How does one find things? Is it by chance, or by some movement of fate, or by a logical series of mental steps? Anyway, i'm not in a typing mood right now, but i'll leave this post with this line i got from watchang HIMYM. And yeah, the season's over, but give me a break, it's hard finding reliable sources. xD So anyway, Ted's at his class teaching stuff but then it leads to some, i dunno, confidence meltdown when he starts to question if he's ready for this ultimate girl-next-door-fling-crush-whatever he has. Then he realizes that he's scared to well, be ready, and then bam, two hands shoot up from his class:

Luis: "We're all scared, professor mosby"
Betty: "Doesn't being scared let you know you're on to something important?"

And it got me thinking; what if we become too scared to find the things that we're looking for? It's a perfectly logical thought. Why force yourself to do something you're afraid of, when in the first place, you don't know where to look, you don't know what you're supposed to find, or who the hell you're supposed to find. The world is huge place, and there are tons of hiding places and things to find out there. There's passion, there's dreams, there's friendship and of course, the thing that most people are probably thinking about as they read this: (or am i alone in thinking this? Oh come on, don't kid yourself) love.

And yeah, in case you were wondering, i also believe that whenever you're not looking for something, ka blam! you find it. It's highly annoying; it's never convenient, you waste time, effort and at some cases, money.

And by the way, i also share the last part of the line above:

Ted: "If you’re not scared, you’re not taking a chance. If you’re not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing?”

Hmm. Maybe i'll continue this in another post. I think i still have some stuff to say, but i'm all out of MP and HP right now, so.

Some Thoughts

Mood: confused
Now Playing: we are the in crowd, we need a break

I guess i fucking need a break. Haha! I mean, if this is what summer vacations are going to be in the future, i'm not sure if i want summer vacations, after all. I've accomplished about only three of my summer-to-do-list, although i'm not sure if im too happy about it. I mean, i'm glad of course... but it's just so fucking confusing it's retarded. Hell, i'm retarded.

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Dear Everybody,

If you're scared and confused and you don't know a fucking thing is from another fucking thing just like me, i just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Everybody's not alone. And to think that we have about 6 billion or so people in this huge lump of rock, why should we be? But the thing is, the world is too big. It's too big that all 6 billion of us scamper around with our tails between our legs. And when we do meet and our paths intersect, we quickly dismiss our meeting as another mundane act of fate. Like it does not matter. Like it has no consequence or whatever.

The thing is, it does. Every meeting is an act of fate. Not to say that we can't change fate, we can. What im saying is we did not meet in a daze. We meet for a purpose. What we do with that purpose, with that reason, is entirely up to us.

Darwin said that we evolved. We're now this lumbering, hairless apes that are said to be on the top of the evolution ladder. We have the highest form of intelligence at our disposal. We have evolved.

I just hope we evolve into our next form a lot faster.
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I also want to speak fluently. Nope. I'm not a good speaker at all, even in informal situations. I stumble upon my words, i speak too fast, i get distracted by passing thoughts or interesting things and i never seem to have the right words at the right time. This sucking fucks.

There's a lot of things that i want to do right now, and one of them involves talking some deep stuff about somebody. Another involves skinning that person alive. Still another involves just.. i don't know. I know this is so fucking unclear and you probably hate me enough for being so vague already , but i just gotta say this.

I'm sorry for being a jerk. I really, really am.

There's This Cat

Mood: good
Now Playing: electrico, hail to the friends.

So there's this cat, a huge female one with a green eye on the left, and a blue eye on the other around our neighborhood. Heterochromia, i believe this shit is called. She's supposed to be a stray, but she always meows for food at our doorstep, so i guess we're adopting her now.

Anyway, what's amazing about her is this: her two kittens died at birth, y'see. She disappeared for a week. The next thing we know, she has picked up 4 strays and adopted them as her own. She feeds them, licks them all over, and when it's time to eat, she lets them eat first before gobbling up the remains her adopted litter leaves.

Isn't that fkcing amazing?

Feels Like a Song

Mood: feels like forever~
Now Playing: the weepies, and the world spins madly on

It's weird, how at times you feels so much like a song that sometimes, you wish you could write your own finishing verse or at least, the chorus.

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I'm sleeping early tonight. because goddamnit, i don't know how to feel.

Just Another One Of Those Posts Again

Mood: geeky, with a dash of melancholy thrown in.
Now Playing: after hours, we are scientists

I can't seem to sleep. Yeah, it's still 9 in the evening, but for once, i want to sleep early. Yeah, i know. Pretty flkasjdking weird, right? It's not that i have nothing better to do; on the contrary, there's a ton of things i should be doing right now. But what pushes me to want sleep even though my body doesn't need it is something which is unfathomable, and it eats me whenever i close my eyes. It's like there's this gaslight inside your head, and it casts such a deep dark shadow on everything that it makes it hard to see clearly. And, trust me, it's not that i like drama and all that shit, it's just.. ugh. It just comes, y'know.

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I once hoped that i'd suddenly have multiple personality disorder. Yeah, i know it's a disease,and pathologically unsound, and i know i'm imperfect and fugly already. But hey, ever since i was little, i kept my ears open, hoping that i'd have this voice inside me that i could just talk to and get insights from, and whenever there's a need to be, push that other persona on to my consciousness while i take a seat back and relax in my subconscious. I think i wanted 6 personalities, each representing a facet of my original personality; geeky, wrathful, melancholic, sinful, happy-go-lucky, fearful, with a seventh personality as the original me. We'd have different names so that people won't get confused and learn how to deal with each persona. And it'd be fun times.

Don't get me wrong; i'm not crazy nor do i want your pity or any of your faux kindness. And yes, I do know that it's wrong to wish imperfections, esp. on to myself, and that it's wrong to be discontented with what God gave me. But seeing as im already made up of so many strange and weird imperfections than most people do already, i guess another one wouldn't hurt, would it?

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My gums are feeling better already; though it feels pretty fulkdacking weird to reach my tongue up there and not feel my wisdom tooth; but rather the aftereffects of stitching. It's pretty cool by the way; i now have a vial containing a piece of what i eat with. Cooly.

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May 6th, 2010:

I remember this conversation a few years back. One of my friends once told me that what i see and what she sees are fundamentally different; i see imperfections and mud, she sees individuality and uniqueness. And while i revel in this mud like a stick left to wallow in it forever, she celebrates this uniqueness and does nothing to stop it from flowing out. And i guess it's kind of depressing why im not made like that, y'know, that certain mindset of hers. And what's even more depressing is knowing how hard the path to that redemption is, and how impossible it is for me to achieve a fraction of that brilliance. It's like im this huge moon and she's this huge sun and she gives these brilliance that i can only hope to imitate but to never call my own. And it fucking sucks.

I know im not destined for greatness, for prominence or for glory and any other cookie-cutter rewards. I suck, and i hate people, though not necessarily both at the same time. It's always been there and it always will be; the feeling that deep down inside, you'll never get to be the hero. It's infuriating to realize this, and even more so to have it rubbed in your face. It feels even worse - yes my life just keeps getting better and better - when the hands that rub it in are the hands that i'll probably never escape from.

Days With My Dentist

Mood: oks lang.
Now Playing: valkyrie missile, angels and airwaves

DAY 1: "You Need Surgery!" and other painful words.

I've always been proud of my teeth. Well not by it's whiteness or shit, but by it's structure; some dentist long ago once told me that i had one of the best looking set of teeth there is - evenly spaced, with no breaks or shiznit in between. As a kid, that was one of the best compliments i've ever heard in my life (though admittedly, i was still a kid and i cried a lot back then, so she may have been just saying that to make me feel better, but what the hell ). Life would have been so perfect and great if things remained like that forever and ever, but nooo. It just had to change; i grew up, discovered junk food, discoverd street food, and realized how much amazing food there is in the world, and bang! before i knew it, i had this throbbing pain - like gnawing at blocks of ice for a long long while - in my gums.

And so with much nagging and nagging - and did i mention nagging - from my dear mother, i went to this dentist. She looked pretty kind, and smiled a lot, which showed her set of white, even teeth - though i guess that comes with the job description. She motioned for me to sit down on the dentist's chair, y'know, the one with those weird drills and suction and water spraying devices.

"So let's see what we have today, Daryl. *smile* Open your mouth, " she says. I do as she says, expecting her to say "ah yan, tinga lang yan. here, have some floss and candy" But nope. Suddenly, she exclaims "Hala ayan! Ang laki na ng sira ng third molar mo! kelangan ng bunutin to! *taps the mtherlkajdlsckin tooth* ayan Daryl o, impacted na ung tooth mo, o.. naku, kelangan ng bunutin yan *smiles*"

If my molar had a face, i would have punched it out of the galaxy.

So she informs me that basically, my teeth are too cramped, and this one molar is disturbing the others, because as it turns out, it's root is digging into the other teeth's roots. And then she launched into this litany on how i should take care of my teeth, how i should floss every meal and floss, floss, floss. And basically, i have to get my third molar out of there before it digs in anymore and hurt my other teeth.

Then she sat me down on the chair again - in my agitation i had stood up, panicking - and proceeded to explain that i needed ten tooth fillings or else i will shrivel up and die. Kidding, who shrivels up and dies nowadays? But yeah, i needed the ten teeth fillings badly. But, since all the moolah i had on me that day could only afford one, i went home with single tooth filling and a promise to come back later that week.

DAY 2: That Other Day

So after two days, i went to see the dentist again, this time to fill in the 9 remaining fillings i needed to have. Placing in a single filling already hurt so bad. Placing in 9 fillings all at once was pure hell. The third molar throbbed like crazy and she kept on filling the spaces NEAR the third molar itself, thereby adding MORE pain. The drill was whirring like crazy and there i was, my mouth open for like 2 hours, while she poked in and out of my teeth. I could have sworn i heard a giggle somewhere in between those two hours, but what the hell.

To amuse myself, i let my mind wander across the room. She had put on this cd earlier on, and i smiled at that; at least she tried to make me feel better. I closed my eyes ( my mouth was still open ) and tried to focus on the music alone, not the sound the drill was making. I steadied myself and tried my best to drown myself in the sound of... waves crashing(?!). Huh? Okay, sure, whatever.

Half an hour with my mouth open and with nature-sounding sounds in the background isn't a good idea. By the time she was finished, two hours of my youth was spent, and so was my tolerance for pain.

DAY 3: "Not A Bleeder!"

Day 3 found me rnging the bell to this dental surgeon my dentist recommended. Like what i've
been doing the past 3 days, i sat down on the dental chair and opened my mouth real wide. The dental surgeon was a big burly guy with a set of the roundest eyes i've ever seen. He smiled when i entered the room and gestured for me to sit down on the operating chair.

"So, Daryl" he began "Did Dr. _____ explain the procedure to you? We're going to have to cut through here (traces my cheek downwards with his finger) and then we'll probably have to break your molar to ge it out. As you know, your third molar is adding pressure on your other teeth's roots, so we have to get it out right away. I can also surmise that the other third molar - that is, the one on your right - is not a bit far off, and should also need removal. I urge you to do it ASAP. Do you have any questions?"

I looked at the equipment, a big screwdriver thingy, a drill, suction, and a set of surgical knives.

"Just one, Doc. Will there be pain?"

He smiled at that and reaches inside the drawers beside him. He takes out this little needle, and flicks the tip.

"No, Daryl. At least not in the way you expect it to be."

Damn, this guy is doing a terrific job of terrifying me, i remember thinking. But all things asdie, he is a pretty good surgeon, anyway. He puts on this CD and i almost laughed out loud. Vivaldi? On a dentist trip? Who would've thought.

He made me relax on the chair and open my mouth. He brings the needle in closer and baam~ sticks my gums with it. Dizzy and disoriented by the sudden movement, i closed my eyes. Wrong move.

He sticks in another needle, and this time, i felt numbness. Like someone stopped the flow of your blood. The surgeon smiled, and then proceeded to do his work. A few minutes later, i heard him exclaim, "Wow, Daryl. You're not a bleeder!"

I wish i could've talked to him right then and there, on lots of things. One of them does not concern dentistry.

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So, here i am, typing away, with a throbbing 5 stitches to my left gums and a freaking headache to boot. I have no idea how i got the headache, and i guess i;m better off leaving it that way; clueless. After all, there are times when the saying "what you don't know won't hurt you" comes true anyways.

Taking Notes

Mood: busy
Now Playing: Kelsey, Metro Station

I've been hitting into a lot of things these past few days, and it keeps getting worse that im actually wondering if i should do something about it, like wear armor around the house for instance. It's getting to the point that if there is a piece of furniture nicely tucked out of the way, i will sure as hell find a way to fling myself on it, be it with the use of slippery floor, a sudden emergence of a banana peel or - my gahd, i do not understand how i could've done this - tripping on my own two feet. It's frustrating, believe me.

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Maybe this was how things were meant to be. We can't win against fate if, from the get-go, we were never meant to be the winners, never meant to be the ones that get first prize, or second, or third. Fact is, we're just little bits of people that look up to the sky and stars and hope that one day we'll be just like that - shining so damn beautifully in space. We can't win the race. It's impossible. We can't be all heroes. We all can't have a vorpal sword that goes snicker snack in face of adversity. We can't shed off our identity and adopt our own Jerome Morrow. We can't save our faujkdcking princess from beasts and nightspawns. Why? Because there will always be someone, or in the worst of cases, something that would always side with Fate and the natural order of things and prevent us from going at it. It could be religion. Values. Country. Your own imperfections. The list is many and endless. Bottome line is: there are people that can't win this faudwsdcking race, and im sad to say that a lot of people are in this category. It's just the freaking way things go.

im just typing this in to say that i'm done. Im quitting this damn race for superiority, for love, for passion. Im done, gentlemn. Im through with being clawed upon at the throat, just for a chance at the stars. Im through slaying jabberwockies just for sake of exp points, had enough of being Jerome Morrow, grown sick of saving bitching sissies who just don't know the concept of the word gratitude. Im quitting this godawful race whilst i still have my limbs and sanity left. Don't get me wrong, i'm still shooting for the stars, yeah, that's one thing im still certain of. But the thing is, i can't fucking run to the finish line anymore, espescially with the ferocious line of awful things that have me in their crosshairs. I'll get there, undoubtedly. So you'll excuse me for bowing out of your race that you're so damn bent on winning. Cheers and goodluck with that, mate.

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Recently, i've read Teves' last book, The Wedding, and a line there caught my attention. Basically, he says that we can't remember pain. To borrow his words, "we only remember the fact that something causes pain - fire burns, knives cut - but we're incapable of remembering the pain itself." (Teves, 2010)

There are nights when i beg to differ, and nights where i nod in agreement. How about during the daytime? Of course, i sleep.

consolation, II

Mood:pretty much okay.
Now Playing: kids in glass houses, raise hell

So it's 2:30 in the morning, and i can't sleep. I know i WANT to, and i sure as hell know that i NEED to, but my body just won't follow. Now this is remarkable in itself, as i have been amaazingly depriving myself of sleep this past few days, but still... and the thing is, i don't know if i can still pull this off; writing these posts that must always have a little room for hiding things in. Maybe it's just me, yeah sure. But the thing about staying up late at this time of the.. the morning, without a plan or a decision,even is just plain stupid.

Anyway, i'll be going to my highschool in a few hours time, and gahd im nervous as hell. Im supposed to be just picking up some things and my yearbook... but this just feels weird, y'know. Like im not supposed to be there anymore. Like the present batch has overtaken the school and overwritten my memories of the school in it. Like if i touch something, i'll have destroyed something which they have fought and loved for, and i'd hate to do that. I might get fragged by saying this, but I guess what im saying is that im betting it'll feel weird; to be at the school but at the same time, to not be. Your memories are still there, of course. But you can't erase the fact that this generation will undoubtedly have carved their own memories into stone pillar after every stone pillar, and im guessing it'll feel awkward. that's all.

And another thing; it's like this yearbook is what binds me to this school, y'know. Y'see, it's like my one-way ticket to see my school again, to have a legit excuse to peek in here and out. And, as with usual one way tickets go, i hate to throw my tickets away without having a spare one in my pocket. It's childish, i know. And plenty pitiful, i understand that. But know that i can't do things without an assurance of something - something that will lead me to believe that what im doing is worth the risk, is worth fighting for. In this case, if i give away my one way ticket.. all i want to ask is, is it really worth getting that freaking yearbook?

I know it's completely unsupported by facts and reason, and a lot of things here will confuse even the brightest of my friends or the shiniest of the stars, but hey. That's what emotions are for, aren't they? To give meaning to which we cannot attribute logic or reason.

I seem to be an emotional person, then.

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So, it's 2:16 in the afternoon, quite a few hours between the 1st paragraphs up there and the time of writing. Im just lucky i saved this post as a draft, so it looks like i have a chance to add some shit in here.

Aaanyway, about the part about disturbing the shit and all that, i was right; it did felt really awkward to be there. We chanced upon classroom upon classroom and boom, my 4th yr classroom was turned into a freaking spanish lab or something. I mean, what the hell, spanish lab. It's practically great, it's amazing, it's cool that the school's finally getting some real props, but.. aun. it doesn't change the fact that what was the epic shit for me is just another classroom to them. i dunno. it's getting too dramatic for words, and im not in much of a writing mood today.. but. aun. i know nothing.

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went to a bookstore today, and half an hour later, finished reading vince teves' third and final book, The Wedding. It's just one of those summit books that you can get at 150, but gahd. The words hit home, the story hits home, and you could actually taste the emotions in it. Im not freaking kidding. It makes sense.

Probably the only thing that makes sense to me nowadays.

Consolation, I

Mood: nostalgia.
Now Playing: ddurarara! ED.

It's been a super busy week, that unless my bed was right beside me, i would have probably never slept in a bed at all. There's also a lot of issues to cover, both academic and not, that need fixing. Some of them are so big that they take up the whole of my mind and swim in and out of my thoughts incessantly, while some are even bigger, that they slip through my teeth, like little fishes do. And that just sucks as hell, you know.


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One of the numerous things i hate (aside from people, the government and such) is the fact that people always change. I'm too tired to elaborate any furter, ( and partly because i know there is a chance that i'm just overthinking things and mostly because i have no idea what the hell happened between.. between everything) but just allow me to say one thing: im sure that everything happens for a reason. and the only thing i want to know is exactly that. what the F happened? was it just some cosmic force majeure? is this justics? payment? punishment? the possibilities are endless.

and just in case you're wondering if you're the one im talking about, stop. you don't know me, you don't how this feels, and you don't know how it sucks to be on the confused end. smile, im not mad. just confused. (again)

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on the other side of things, it looks like i'll be staying more and more at home, because of some... some sucky reasons. and it is with increasing alarm that i begin to notice how many movies and shit my sophie has acquired this past few months. will begin to declutter it, i will.

On Religion

Mood: nothing much
Now Playing: stand by me, the brilliant green

*longoverduepost*
So mom woke me up today and asked me to hear mass at an SM. Half asleep, i tried to prod my brain awake to process what she was saying. Mass? At some mall? asjdhasjdasdjaskld. Don't get me wrong, im not one of thos conservatives or orthodox church-goer or whatever it is they call that nowadays that adhere to their religion rigidly. Truth be told, im more of the liberal kind of church guy - someone who believes in the whole Faith, not in the system. Call it liberal. Call it unorthodox. I basically don't care.

Aaaanyway, so aun. We were there at 9 in the morning, and i was against the whole idea, liberal as i was. I mean, hearing mass in a mall? That's like eating crucifx-shaped chocolates in the Sistine Chapel. Let's give the guy upstairs some credit, eh, and put Him in a place where he belonged - a solid, honest to goodness church.

But to my amazement, it turns out i was wrong about the whole thing and may have to revamp my religious thinkings. The priest was animated in his discussion, and lo and behold - the 2nd reading was one of my most favorite lines ever. It's 1 Corinthians 13:1-13, which is

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels,
but have not love,
I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol.
And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains,
but have not love, I am nothing.
And if I dole out all my goods, and if I deliver my body that I may boast
but have not love, nothing I am profited.
Love is long suffering, love is kind, it is not jealous,
love does not boast, it is not inflated. It is not discourteous, it is not selfish,
it is not irritable, it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things, it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,it endures in all things.
Love never falls in ruins; but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or
tongues, they will cease; or knowledge, it will be superseded.

For we know in part and we prophecy in part.
But when the perfect comes, the imperfect will be superseded.
When I was an infant, I spoke as an infant,
I reckoned as an infant;when I became [an adult],
I abolished the things of the infant.
For now we see through a mirror in an enigma,
but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then
I shall know as also I was fully known.

But now remains faith, hope, love,
these three; but the greatest of these is love.

mygahd. It's amazing really. The priest was talking about how to hear the Word, and aklsjdlaks, he was right. He said that every minute of our lives, Someone speaks to us. All we have to do is listen hard enough, to sense hard enough.

He had a point, gais, and he defended it. He believed in it. He talked about how He talks to us in every minute of our lives, and all we have to do is to listen to it. We have a choice. We can either hear it or just bam, walk away from it.

aside story: I was constantly reminded of that book by Coelho, The Alchemist. In it, Santiago was given two stones - Urin and Thummim that would basically guide him in making decisions, as it speaks the languange of the world. Sa isip isip ko, baka lahat ng tao kelangan ng ganun sa pang araw-araw na pamumuhay. Then i realized the fallacy of my thoughts: we don't need two stones to guide us. We don't really need to stick to the basic rules of religion. What we really need is an open ear and a mind that accepts the things that we hear.

But what struck me more inside was the manner by which the priest connected to the people. I mean, it transcended the simple roles of sermoner and sermonee, it did. It felt like - if only for a minute or two - that we were in the presence of something remarkable and surreal, and it seemed to me that if i move even a muscle, i would lose the magic and would have to start again from scratch.

I'm in danger of ranting on and on in the wrong way here, so let me give it to you straight. I guess what i'm trying to say is that the place doesn't matter. There are lots of questions, but the most important ones aren't When or What or Who, but the How and the Why. It doesn't matter if you hear mass in some forsaken town in the middle of anywhere, or in with front row tickets at the sistine chapel. What matters is when after leaving the building, you take something along with you, and whether you use it or not. That's what i think.

Taking The Red Pill

Mood: nothing much
Now Playing: Yellowcard's cover of Breathing

I'm writing this at the UST humanities section of the lib, a few hours after everyone's gone home. The weird thing about this is that it's a Saturday and yes, like most students, i'm not even supposed to be in the university today. Yet here i am, looking like a complete jerk with my hoodie on and my earphones plugged in and my smile plasterd on my face as the one sitting next to me is reading a manga i think i recognize. And just in case you lean over and read this, know that i frequent that manga site too, as the other site is blocked by UST's stringent anti-virus measures.

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Missed the 1st half of my chemistry lab quiz the other day, and it's so depressing i wish i can just die. Yes, can. Normally i wouldn't have felt bad about this, but the thing is, i just spent a morning reading up some hydrocarbons on the internet and actually acting like what a normal student should act like. What makes it worse is that i feel like i screwed up the 2nd half too, as i was just too pissed to think clearly - why do i get pissed at the mose inoppurtune times, i wonder - that i completely forgot what i jammed in my reviewer earlier that morning. And to think that when i finally try and get some work done, i get shot down and have to start again from scratch. And it hurts even more because the reasons why i arrived late are completely illogical and completely pathetic it's practically a classic.

But just like what my friend always says, all's well that ends well. Although arguably that phrase actually applies to her only - she's like this weird ball of positive energy, you see - i feel like i should believe in that, too.

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Took the LTS test today, and it was a breeze. LOL. Not that i actually found the test to be THAT easy, but mostly because i practically don't have any standard to live up to, so it's easy not to get too disappointed, but anyway...

Saw someone for the 1st time today, too, and it was great~ Minus the fact that i was completely jealous of her PE - which, by the way is CHEERING. Damn, why don't they have this in UST gaah - and her extensive Pike collection. And if you're reading this, thanks by the way for the kind words and the book you lent me. xD

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I should get going soon. But before i do, i'm stopping at some convenience store to buy some Soya milk so i can stay up late studying. I'm sorry, I lied, even I have some standard to live up to, and i guess falling short of it again is not an option. Like i've said, one of my resolutions is to try and run forward to the finish line, and to do that i have to be someone first.

PS.
I realize my hands have been flying throughout the keyboard for a full thirty minutes already, and i'm worried im making too much noise in a library. But then again, it's not like there's a whole bunch of people here - the humanities section is one of the less-visited places in the library, and i cannot fathom why.

PPS.
I hate everything. But it's actually just a lie. I happen to like most people, it's just too freaky to trust in something that concrete and separate away from you, you know?

Starting 2010 pt2

Mood: fine
Now Playing: NGS, Asian Kung Fu Generation

aand, lastly...

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD (insert name) IN 2009 THAT..

1. Maybe someday i'll tell you a lot of things, and that would explain why im just tripping around all the time. And also, i wish you'd do something about yourself; you just keep getting more amazing everyday.
2. I get tired of your rants sometimes, but then you do something completely amazing and true i just can't help but admire at how resilient you are. And i mean this in a good way.
3. Look, im sorry if can't be the one you wanted to be. But this is me, and i'd like you to know that half of what's written on my walls is all about how you controlled my freaking life. And take care all the time, by the way.
4. Sometimes i'd like to ask you sir, if you have any idea how much that damn play was worth? The answer: priceless.
5. You sell like hotcakes, and i wanted to buy some a long time ago, but then i noticed how different the inside tastes from the outside. You're still cool, though.
6. I know you have some issues, man, and i wish i could do something about it. I really really wish i could.
7. We can be friends, if only you could stop being a jerk.
8. It's been great knowing that no matter how far you are, you're still at home with your home tongue. And i wish i could say that you look better (which, by the way is true), but i kind of like the old quiet version better.
9. You're amazing - a true artist indeed. I saw you a few weeks back, and wow. You look like you're doing great, which i hope you really are.
10.Cheers, dude. You're like someone who could fend for himself, and that's cool. No, srsly, it's been amazing know how convoluted your mind works, and i mean that in a good way.
11. Im really really sorry you arrived late at your enrolment. Whenever i think about it, it gives me the chills. Seriously.
12. Goodluck, dude, for a lot of reasons. Patience is a virtue, and i hope that whatever you're waiting for is worth the wait.
13. It looks like people are giving you more and more responsibility, dude. I pray that you'll be able to get thro ugh them. If not, then we're here as your backup.
14. You're the weirdest person i've ever met, and also one of the coolest. It makes for an awesome combo! Three cheers, my friend.
15. Hang in there. We're all here with you.
16. I get the feeling that you're just pretending to be this bigshot person, getting to know this, getting to know that. I just want you to know that you don't have to do that; we like you for you, not how connected you are.
17. I wish we could hang out more. I miss the days when we cut class and sneak on the roof and watch as the world crawl like insects.
18. We sure do dream big, do we? That's what i like most about you - you're a freaking visionary, and i like that. Sorry im out of touch most of the time, srsly. And goodluck with your issues, mehn. :)
19. You don't know how to teach. That is a certainty.
20. Maybe someday you'd surprise us all by suddenly getting in sync again. I'd like that. I mean, you're starting to show more life now, and it's a good thing, congrats.
21. We've only known each other for a while ( i mean really know ) and i've seen something great and cool already. Cheers.
22. It looks like everybody looks up to you, and you don't even know it. You probably wouldn't even know that this is about you - that's how oblivious you are to praise. And i sort of like that about you, you know. Yeah.
23. Im really really sorry. For a lot of things i should have done. And, aun. Im still hoping for a next time?
24. Everybody just gravitates toward you, it's freaking amazing.
25. You're like the Pinoy version of Luna Lovegood, the likelikness is very uncanny. I sort of like that about you, and i think it'd be great if you sort of livened up a bit. Just don't liven up too much though. I kind of like the way you are right now, too.

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THE YEAR IN BLOGPOSTS

JANUARY - How I Spent My Week parts 1 and 2
FEBRUARY - Spending February, parts 1 and 2
MARCH -Dreaming is so cool
APRIL -Screw You and Being Wet
MAY -Damn it Scrubs and A Lot of Things and Nothings.
JUNE - Lokohan
JULY - I Think You Should Read This and Venting
AUGUST - My Thoughts In About a Thousand Characters
SEPTEMBER - Losing My Mojo and Some Shit That Just Needed Shitting
OCTOBER - no posts. kalain mu un.
NOVEMBER - Hantungan
DECEMBER - In Shining Armor and All For a Saturday

Yep. I guess that's it for a year starter post.
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Resolutions?
I think i only have one or two. The first one is to run forward and race towards the finish line. The other? Im sort of keeping it to myself. For now. :)

continued from part 1