What I Realized This Weekend

Mood: haah?
Now Playing: nothing

Yeah, im just dropping in to say that this week ended pretty much okay. Thankfully the things that bothered me at the start, resolved themselves all on their own. It's fucking amazing, actually. But it's not to say it stressed the living hell out of me; it really freaking did. Every night it's a struggle to stay awake, a struggle to open my eyelids. It's really.. i dunno. Tiring.

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Pretty good Sunday. Woke up at around 7, got out of bed a few minutes past 12 to a lunch of pretty fucking tasty kare-kare. Shiiit. Ate with the family today, and gorged myself on delicious cupcakes for dessert. At 3, tita whipped up some delishus canton and drinks and bread and as a result, i ate again. Still feeling the effects of all the food i ate, and that's not counting the chicken mom brought the night before.

Life is tasty.

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So after CSJ's general assembly this saturday, i found myself at Hidalgo again. It's a sort of mental tick; when in doubt, go to Quiapo. When depressed, go to Quiapo. When everything's fine, go to Quiapo. I dunno.

Went wandering the streets for a while, and was sorely tempted to eat the streetside chicken chicken. Brought a few DVDs and some PC games, said hello to the church and walked the bridge to the post office. Was sorely tempted to buy some trinkets at the underpass, but naah. Figured i could do without it, anyway.

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Some thoughts on this week's happenings:

I always remind myself to write. To practice the craft of mixing thoughts into paper, to immerse myself in the incredulity that is today. Writing has never been easy, regardless of what people tell you. You are your worst critic, and time is both your enemy and your friend.

That's all i have to say about it, for now. *exit stage right*

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I think Das is going to buy a guitar today. I'm pretty stoked about it, since it's been a while since i've played anything on any instrument. (Save the piano at rm 318, and that doesn't even count as i had no idea what i was doing, though i trust my 'instructor' would have a few words to say about the subject) I kind of miss it, i guess. I'm no guitar player, i just know a handful of chords, and that's it. But the thing is, everything has a beginning, and sometimes when they don't it's up to you to make one.

^ above principle applies to life in general too, i guess.

Winging This Week

Mood: kerazyzileh
Now Playing: well, this particular comp shop is spamming rico blanco tunes over the airwaves, so i guess that's that.

I'm freaking winging this week. I have a ton of stuff to do, and in all honesty, i'm not sure if i can actually finish all of those shit, (and here i am, blogging. alkasdj) but the thing is, i'm feeling more than lazy. It's hard to explain if you haven't tried out a skateboard yet. I'm not the biggest boarder out there, heck i haven't mastered tricks yet. But i guess what im after is the thrill, the danger that you'd fall and rip open your jeans and skin. Y'know, the feeling when you push off the ground and your other foot is on the board and there's this sudden imbalance or shit? That kind of thrill.

It's like the inverse of nirvana. In nirvana, you more or less realize your meaning. You know what you're gonna do, you know what you're out to find and all of those classy cute stuff.

In vananir (lol, i know it's not a real word, just the inverse of nirvana but bear with me), you don't. You don't know if you're gonna fall, you don't know if you're gonna fly. You just do it, and live in that moment. And whether you do fall or you do fly, what's important is that you did.

I dunno, it's fucking confusing to me, too. But going back, i guess this is what im doing this week. I'll be fucking winging it so hard, i will fucking fly.

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What the hell is up with brownies and cookies? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING YUMMY. And while we're at it, what is the fucking big deal, cream-filled cupcakes? WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH DELICIOUS INSIDE OF YOU. And speaking of, why are langka tarts so FUCKING DELISHUUUUUUS *brainmelts*

If you guys were people, i swear, we would be freaking friends for life.

Five Minute Complaints

Mood: stressed, but high
Now Playing: none. aljdlasdj

So, my Sophie has been restored. She's now sporting a new W7 look, but still classy as ever. Yeah, that's my girl. B-) Anyhoo, she's lost a whole bunch of files, and since im a damn masochist, i've been tallying up the things i've lost:

1. A Whole Bunch of Movies
and not just any bunch of movies, some of them took goddamn forever to leech off the internet. I already checked out some of them, and the torrent links are DEAD. DEAAAAAAAAAAAAD.I felt like ripping off my clothes and screaming WHYYYYYYYYYYYY but i controlled this insufferable feeling and instead punched the crap out of household appliances. kidding, i'm such a nice guy i could kiss myself.

I miss my garden state, my big fish, my juno and asjdlaskjdksajd. I forgot i also "made" (in this context, "scavenged" is the right-er term) a number of homegrown movies for a shitload of people, both academic and not. Crapfastic. Whenever i think about the huge amount of time i spent editing/downloading/craptasticating this mini library of vids, i cry.

2. A Whole Bunch of Pictures
And then i cry some more.

Shitcakes, the photoooos. The photooooooos! I guess it's a good thing i've uploaded some of the stuff i have online.. but still. BUT STILLL.. unf.

3. A Whole Bunch of Programs

I'm not too fussed about this, to be honest. I've already gotten a copy of photoshop, and some of the brushes are, admittedly, hard to find but no biggie. I'll manage in a weekend or two. (notice how i count free days as weekends)

4. A Whole Bunch of Documents

I feel like a lost a child. Some of those documents were pretty fucking messed up, it isn't even funny. Every last dysfunctional part of myself was pretty much fucked up to begin with, but having it on something concrete, like on a document page, for instance, made me laugh. I guess having it on paper seemed so real and fucked up that it makes you think: "what the fuck am i doing, i've got to make this right". And in that essence, that moment of clarity, i laughed.


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I guess that's enough whining for the day. I've got to pull myself together,right now. Fuck, i feel so coolsauce.

Secrets

Mood: the mojo is gone
Now Playing: nothing

I kind of like myself when im drinking chocolate. I get this weird conversations inside my head, you see. Don't get me wrong, they're not the multiple personality disorder kind, but instead conversations from people i usually create out of nothing. Sort of like a dialogue. I dunno. I find it pretty funny. There was once a dialogue between two pairs of siamese twins, and they kind of wished they could swap twins for a day. That kind of shit.

The Things We Ignore

Mood: carpe diem~ish
Now Playing: april chase, paper mache

Holy crap i'm high on Ovaltine right now

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Anyhoo, here's a list of what happened to me this weekend:

1) Expelab report

Yes, that's about it. I'm such a fucking winner. :)) Expepsychlab is... to say the least, very very tiring. It consumes about a ton of one's braincells, and more. Like it consumes one's soul and shit. Y'know, all of that "deep" thing, only a hundred times worse; this being grounded in real life and all. Yeah.

ANDOH,SHITCAKES. I almost forgot. I just got the love of my life (sophie, the laptop) checked last Saturday. The guy with a weird face told me that she'll be needing new disks, so that means i'll probably be missing a lot of files and pictures and files and pictures. It sucks, yeah. But losing Sophie sucks even more, so i caved in and shelled 2K for the downpayment of stuff.

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This is one of the days (usually Mondays or Fridays) that i tell to myself that im gonna achieve something big, like getting published as an author, or suddenly acquiring awesome parkour/skating skills, or getting nominated for an award or receiving a trip to Venice and/or Italy on a scholarship grant. Yes, that big.

But when these days happen, all of those incredible things happen at a flash of light. There's no toil, no hard work, no sweat off my brow. It just happens. Bada bing, bada boom, and presto!

And at the end of days like these, i am hit by the realization that no matter where i look, no matter where i set my sights upon, there will always be huge mountains. And though there is a level and safe passage between those mountains, it's a passage that holds a huge number of people; for this is where the common people walk: The Road Most Traveled. Taken without hope, without passion, this road inevitably eats everyone up in the ordinariness of everything.

*inthevoiceofalittleboy*
I don't want to get eaten upppp~

aaand, cue epic crying. Cut.

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Bought a bunch of books at Powerbooks' PowerSale! last Saturday. A book of poems by Jean Sprackland and Christopher Pike's Die Softly. I haven't had the time to read yet (shit, it sounds pitiful even as i typed them in) so for now they're at my bed, waiting to be opened.

Like i said a couple of posts back. I want to write again.

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AND LOL GOOGLE CHROME. Hahaha. It translated my previous post. Here's the 1st paragraph:

I suddenly concentrated naisipang write Tagalog, and in fact, I'm having trouble. I do not know why, but I always forget what punctuation to every part of the 'big sentence, if the bugs made up every word and how to do each story in Tagalog. Ewan, too troublesome mind now. Gumugulo many things. Like flies. The hardness of the head, I said stay away first, still ahead approach.

LOL!! It sounds like a drunk conyo. With bullets in his head. Smoking weed and drinking horse piss. LOLOLOLOLOL.


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And just had to say this, but i just fucking realized.

I've been 18 for quite a while now. I AM GETTING OLD NOOOOOOOOO

Guni Guni

Bigla kong naisipang magsulat ng puro Tagalog, at sa totoo lang, nahihirapan ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero palagi kong nakakalimutan kung ano ang dapat bantas sa bawat parte ng 'sang pangungusap, kung pano binubuo ang bawat salita at kung papaano ginagawa ang bawat kuwento sa Tagalog. Ewan, masyadong magulo pa ang isip ko ngayon. Maraming bagay ang gumugulo. Parang mga langaw. Ang tigas ng ulo, sinabi ko ng lumayo muna, sige pa rin ang lapit.

Para sa isang diskusyon sa kursong Panitikang Pilipino, naatasan akong magbasa ng isang maikling kwento ni Merlinda Bobis. Ma mura mura ako pagkatapos kong mabasa ang seleksyon. Si Bobis din pala ang may-akda ng matagal ko ng ng binabasa sa silid-aklatan, ang Banana Heart Summer. Nakakatuwa lang isipn na hanggang sa ngayon, binabalikan pa rin ako ng aklat na 'yon. Tadhana, kung tutuusin. Hindi ko pa kasi tapos e.

Nakakatuwang isipin na sa dami dami ng pwedeng mabasa, ang kay Bobis pa. Hindi ko alam a, pero sa pagkakabasa ko ke Bobis, palaging me patungkol sa pagkain ang kanyang sinusulat. Maganda at malinis ang pagkakagawa. Kung hindi pagkain, kabataan. Kung hindi kabataan o pagkain, inosensya. Ang ganda lang.

Sa ganitong daan tumatakbo ang isipan ko noon nung hinalintulad ko ang sarili ko ke Bobis. Ang galing kasi. At doon ko napagtanto na walang kwenta ang mga ginagawa ko ngayon. Siryoso. Napaka basura lamang at walang halaga. Masyadong mababaw, masyadong klaro at masyadong... walang kalaman laman ang mga naisusulat ko.

Kailangan ko pang magsanay.

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May kilala ako, at sobrang natutuwa ako sa kanya. Ang galing galing nyang sumulat, at sa katunayan, talagang gumagawa siya ng hakbang upang maipalimbag (?) sa mga dyaryo o magasin ang mga akda niya. Wala lang. Ang gandang isipin na sa bawat pag-yuko nya upang magsulat, may plano na siya at alam na niya ang dapat nyang gawin. Samantalang ako? Samantalang tayo? Anong ginagawa natin? Nakakasawa ng tumunganga lamang. Nakakasawa ng maging tapakan ng tao.

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Sinabi ng aking propesor kanina na kailangan mo daw gumalaw. Kailangan mong gumalaw para sa iyong sarili, maging mapusok at matapang sa tamang paraan. Nais kong maniwala sa kanya at sundin ang mga payo nya sa klase, subalit, ewan. Hindi ganoon kadali magbago. Lalo na't kung ako ikaw at ikaw ako? Mahirap. Sobrang hirap ang pagbabago.

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Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ang dami daming tao na ang hilig makipagkumpitensya. Inaano ba kita jan? Labo mo, tsong. Kung nais mong sayo lamang nakatutok ang ilaw, sayo na't wala akong interes sa mga ganyang klase bagay. Sapat na sakin sa likod kung saan madilim at puwede ka pang matulog. Hindi ba?

Always

Mood: huh?
Now Playing: the pokemon theme song

In order to celebrate the almost recent release of the trailer of the last movie in the harry potter series, i give you this:

Lily's love. via http://www.fanpop.com (which, might i clarify, do not visit. just seen it off google. yep.)

Severus Snape's character has got to be the most pitiful character i have ever seen, but also the most compassionate. This is a bit late, but Rowling is a huge bitch for throwing that huge twist. Spoilers:

“But this is touching, Severus,” said Dumbledore seriously. “Have you grown
to care for the boy, after all?”
“For him?” shouted Snape. “Expecto Patronum!”
From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe. She landed on the office floor,
bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore
watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape,
and his eyes were full of tears.
“After all this time?”
“Always,” said Snape.

Damn it, Snape. Pass me that box of tissues.

Whatever Sails Your Boat

Mood: irritated
Now Playing: nothing.

It's a Saturday, and I can't believe how pissed off i am. You know how it's hard to talk to people you don't really know? Turns out, we have to generalize it even more; it's hard to talk to people, even to those that you DO know. You say that we're friends, but friendship asks for more than just the common ground, the acceptance and all that shit. Sure, all of these qualities are important, but come on! You can't live on common ground and acceptance at all. It asks for certain things, and these certain things vary day by day, whether it be just a smile or a hello or an open ear or an open hand or just fucking "ui".

I know that people need someone of lesser importance to make them feel less like shit. People do that; I've seen this happen lots of times, and i've been both on the giving and the receiving end. We make others feel like shit to make us feel less miserable. That's why we have all of these cases of black sheeps in EVERY FUCKING group there is - school, workplace, family circles. I understand that. And just in case you don't know this, you only do this whenever your ego's burnt, or whenever you're depressed or whenever you're just trying not to cry (yes you fucker, i know when you're trying not to cry). AND I FUCKING TOLERATE ALL THAT SHIT. You think im just some asshole out there? Fine, and just so you know, i know you'll be okay once she starts coming home. She deserves you, and you deserve her, and you were great together. You think i'm just a stupid prick who can't even see straight? Yeah, sure and remember that fucker's a jerk for leaving, and i know things will get better eventually. Yeah, that's right, you fucking cunt. FUCKUFKFUCKFUCKC.

I don't want to complain, i fucking don't, really. But patience is a fucking virtue, and i've never been a virtuous person.It just fucking sucks, you know that? You think that it doesn't matter? You think that it doesn't hurt? FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. I'm sorry to break the news and im sorry to have to be the one to tell this to you, but it does. It DOES matter and it DOES hurt, you fucking ass. Only reason im still here is that i know this... whatever THIS is - it deserves better. It deserves all of the second chances in the world. FUCK THAT. It deserves the very best of all the second chances in the world. You're better than this. I'm better than this. Come on, man. Don't waste all of my patience away.

And by the way, don't think for a second that you know every inch of me. You don't know what i do, what i see, and the reason i do all of those meaningless things. You don't fucking know me at all. And one more thing, just in case other people get any ideas: NO, THIS POST DOES NOT REFER TO YOU AT ALL. Get your head out of your ass.

I can't believe how pissed off i am that i am forced to write a hate post. A HATE POST. FUCK. You realize what this means? YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS? I WROTE A FUCKING HATE POSLKWDLKASJDASJDASJSAKDJGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHQWUS

You Will Never Bore Me

Mood: wanting

Now Playing: FOE radio

Don't you just wish you could hop in one of these and just drive away?

via tumblr. http://talktothewalls.tumblr.com/page/25

i should really get me one of those tumblr things.