Does This Darkness Have A Name?

Mood: Okay

Now Playing: Adagio in G minor, Depapepe

I have always disliked hospitals. Clinics, waiting rooms, lobbies – I hate the sterile efficiency of it. It might be an exaggeration to say that I’ve lived a quarter of my life inside hospitals, but it just feels that way, even longer.

When I was born, my mother had the unfortunate accident of getting measles, right when she had me. This was the common explanation offered when I asked people why I got congenital cataracts as a kid and had to have them surgically removed. Basically my first activity as an infant was not to crawl or to grasp onto things or to develop reflexes, but to lay on an operating table as (I imagine) doctors cutting up my eye and all of that sick medical stuff that they do.

After surgery, it was just an endless parade of medications. Things like eyepatches, coke-bottom glasses and other such things? Bring it on. Anyway, there’s this thing, called an intraocular lens. It just shoves a lens right in there to replace the one clouded by cataracts. As a kid, I just imagined it’d be something along the lines like a contact lens, only um, more inside the eye itself. I was told I could do probably do the surgery once I’m in my teens, but hey, look. I’m in my 20s now. Apparently my eyes are too fucked up to even bother – it might just aggravate everything. And now I have glaucoma (which pretty much like having high blood pressure, except on the eye’s inner fluids), on top of all things.

Which up until yesterday, I thought to be true. Turns out I don’t have it in my right eye after all – there’s just this... cavity. Or wait, not a cavity, a valley on an otherwise smooth eyeball, which the doctors mistook for glaucoma. Having that depression is sort of like a precondition for it; I might not have it now, but who knows someday, in the future, I might.

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Wala lang. It’s not fun to have to go around hospitals all the time, especially when you don’t really like them to begin with.

Some nurse person explained to me that when you have glaucoma, the first thing that goes is the periphery – just the edges. Then it slowly eats away until it leaves just the center of your vision; essentially forming a literal tunnel vision. Like you’re constantly on a train. Heading off to who knows where.

...it’s infinitely depressing, like you have some sort of expiry date you can’t see. I don’t know if I feel cheated, as the doctor say that the depression on my right eye is something I was born with, like I was predisposition’d from the get-go to have this. Whatever this is. It's difficult to understand, and is just so hard to live with sometimes. 

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In other news, September is looking to be a pretty big week because omfg, MIBF AND I'm leaving the company in a few weeks, too so there's that.

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In other, other news - my sd card died on me, along with all of the photos i took on my baguio trip. Fuck.

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And this quote from One Tree Hill:

Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty this hatred. How did it find us, did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return but knowing some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name...is it your name?

gdmt, one tree hill why do you take so long to download

Hourlies

Mood: meh

Now Playing: Be the Song, Foy Vance, 

HOURLIES:
12:00 AM:
Interviewing this motherfucker for a job reference. She was just the kind of person that would not stop talking, even though i kept on prompting questions. Sigh.

12:20 AM~ish:
Screamed internally. I kind of lost myself for a while. Pondered what to eat for lunch, craved some pastries. But nope, no pastry shop open this early or this late.

5:00 AM:
still did not meet company productivity goals. Hung around after work to say goodbye to Lester, who's moving out to the offered UK shift. Could not believe he's leaving. Thought about my situation. Made plans after work, crossed out initial plans to go home early and sleep.


5:30 AM:
Went out to breakfast at Chowking, talked with Rea a bit about leaving while at the ATM station. Fell asleep after eating and dreamed about some people, some warmth of a hand, some whisper of a smile. Woke up, made plans to go to Baguio for the 6th.

8:00 AM:
The others were planning on going to The Purple Oven to get Rea's mom a loaf of bread. Said goodbye there, and headed on to walk for some time.

8:30 AM
Ended up at Mom and Tina's, bought some overpriced cheese and bacon pandesals (22 pesos for no larger than a meatball) because what the heck. Place is really fucking cute. My kids will eat here someday.

8:45 AM
Got lost and took a wrong turn somewhere - ended up trudging to Glorietta instead of the Triangle. Was already too far gone in my thoughts when i realized this, so i just walked up to Glorietta instead. Asked Das to come and pick me up, hehe.

9:00~ish AM
Had a panic attack.

9:05 AM
Recovered.

9:30 AM
On a bus going home, slept most of the way. Took a call from Das saying yes, she'll pick me up because she's a good Ate. Decided to spend the time at a 7-11. Decided to get a chili dog, ended up dropping the first one i grabbed, squirting chili into my shirt and falling asleep for a solid minute. What is sabaw. Went to goldilocks to get fresh lumpia for nanay because she has done so much for us and napped a bit.

10:00 AM
Ate Das acquired! Talked about driving and career shit. Felt glad to have an ate like her.

10:30~ish AM
Home! Turns out she bought some pastries too, from the purple oven. Mothership bought milk with oats Happy Saturday indeed.

11:00 AM
Slept.

8:00 PM
Woke up and got dressed to go to Arvin's, with the three cans of corned tuna he requested.

9:00 PM
Arrived. Was pleasantly surprised to know that Gabro and Ernest will be joining us - two people who don't really know each other but two cool people just the same. Ona is so fucking ripped it makes me want to go for a run everyfuckingday, and AJ is still AJ. Bonty will also be making an appearance, and Drazen/"Ace" is on his way, so what the heck. Surprising. but definitely and incredibly awesome news.

10:00 to 12:00 PM
Big shit pizza arrived - started to pick at the edges, hehe. Liquor was served, started to feel tipsy, but fuck you because i can drink more so pass me that cup. Decimated the first "mixed" tub of drink in an hour, (RPG, i think) started on the rum the next.

Some context: Ernest is this guy Arvin and I went to grade school together. He's an ncredibly talented person - a school favorite for general info contests and for heaps of other awards. I changed schools in high school, he stayed. Now a UP-LB graduate, he spends his weekends going to clubs, drinking, and having a good time.On the weekdays, he works for a building near the world trade center, organizing events and shit.

Gabro is this guy we met in highschool. His full name is Jason Gabronino, but most people just call him Gab, or Gabro. Has a degree in IT, but currently, as he so flavorfully puts it, spends his time "gym-bahay." He also only started drinking a few weeks ago, so. Hehe.

ANYWAY. GREAT SESSION MOTHERFUCKERS. Spiked drinks with chili sauce and garlic mayo shit. Someone vomited, someone peed, someone fell to the ground and someone got really drunk and flashed everyone.

1:00 to 2:00 AM
Party had to break up - hatid hatid mode. I'm guessing this is why i always favor to go last, so i could take the time to say goodbyes.

3:00 AM
Back at Arvin's. Tried to drink the lychee flavored shit, but nope. Too disgusting. Retreated to the house. Everybody except Bonty and Ona were all floored and snoring within minutes. I was awake.

3:00 AM
Talked with them for a long time.

"...overwhelming, humbling, and amazing." - my brain at 3:00 AM

7:00 AM
Roused everyone to clean up. Got some coffee to sober up - discussed what happened last night and who did what.

7:10 AM
Watched the morning mass with Arvin's family.

8:00 AM
Started walking and biking home.


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It just feels like i'm too far gone sometimes. Too far gone to quit, but too far gone to keep on going. It is incredibly tiring having to think all the time. I really suck at making decisions, and more often than not i find myself thinking what could have happened if i did it the other way around, yknow? I'm just that kind of person - i am a wreck of a train crash, wrapped in thoughts and feelings, encased with some nuts, dipped in wtheck. I sound delicious, but let me ruin the fantasy - i don't.

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it has been a humbling experience,
listening to the sound of water
hitting the glass windows 
with such force 

such abandon

such tenacity

while i sit
trapped in this cold metal bus
as i wait to arrive at my destination

Stories

Mood: Sad Now Playing: Blue Skies, Noah and the Whale

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It's been quite a while.

I've been finding myself slipping into memories so easily. Like a bird of prey that just glides in and out of the water, i find myself slipping in and out of everything, parting waves and waves of anxiety, worry, and fears so easily.

Anyway, this picture was taken the week before last. A lot of plans were made to go out of the city, to explore new beaches, (heh)sunrises and sunsets, but ultimately all of that planning (or the lack of it) lead us to here, to this place right smack in Manila, a few rides from UST. There was absolutely no planning involved; we just specified a time, a place and a date, and bam. There we were. I distinctly remember coming home to a facebook message telling me that a bunch of people would come by in the late afternoon to make Jello shots. Sure, no problem, I typed in, my hands dancing on the keyboard and my mind racing to see what part of the house i should clean up first.

We were so careful in making these; we made sure that the right amount of flavor was put in and the taste was enough and such... but nope. Ultimately they all just tasted the same. Walang lasa. haha.

The next day found me lugging about a dozen of these things in an old 3 litre ice cream box, two boxes of nachos, a quarter pound of ground beef, a dozen frozen hotdogs and some other things around the city. We crashed at Nichola's and spent a far longer time cooking nachos, baked potatoes, and other stuff than we did eating.

A perfect afternoon, that's what it was.

Anyway, we can't stay out too late there, so we cleaned up and settled in at Fessa's, way up north (heh). We tried finishing of the Jello shots (a single 3 litre box was still left. strangely we didn't seem to finish it all. i wonder why) while playing cards in the wee hours of dawn, but nope. The bed called out; it was useless to resist.

After cooking breakfast, we hung around at their front steps and used their videoke machine. Theirs was this huge wooden monster on wheels, the kind that you had to press buttons to list down your song.

It's funny though, how a person claims ownership of a song. I could name three songs that are inexplicably tied to a single person, simply because it's part of his/her own little song menu. Hours and hours of playing Rockband has its benefits e. Haha.

After that, it was back to the south again, this time to the area near MOA, where this cute little Korean salon existed: Tiara. Pek had apparently inherited the right to a voucher for a curling procedure worth more than a PlayStation 2 for a just fraction of it, and we were to witness the rebirth of our straight-haired friend.

After a few minutes of trudging here and there at MOA in search for the perfect curling formula, it was time to part ways.

Yep. Just ways. Not destinies.

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On my way home from Lawton one evening, i happened upon this guy from high school. It was surprising really; i climbed into the back of the van (at the very back) for some shut-eye, and when i plopped into my seat, i didn't realize that i knew the guy. He greeted me, and my default xbc instincts came in. I said hello back and asked how he was doing. Anyway,some background: we weren't exactly close, and i'm sure that calling him a friend would be a great stretch. I only just knew the guy from my freshman and sophomore years, but we've always remained amicable all throughout high school.

Anyway, he just quit from his work. He's now unemployed, but he's happy, as he's taking the time to review for his upcoming test for ambassadorship. Anyway, when i voiced out my feelings about work and it's complexities, he handed me a card for the chief recruiter of the company that he's worked for.

I protested, saying that it's too much ganyan ganyan, but he wouldn't hear a word of it. He left the van with a little salute and a wave, and i waved a back.

Just wanted to post that here. Little kindnesses, y'know.

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Anyway, I just wanted to stress out: we're all past 21! This picture was taken just a year ago, and wala lang. Si Nicholes ang pinaka bata, kaka 21 lang e. But aun. We're all mature kids, explosions and fireworks waiting to happen.

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I've just recently made a pretty big decision, and wala lang. I hope it all turns out well.

... And Would Walk 500 More

Mood: sick
Now Playing: I'm Gonna Be, The Proclaimers

Oh god i am sick. Like as in capital S sick. I keep on sneezing and i can't sleep and i just want some spicy cha han with some wanton on the side.

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I just recently watched the ending of How I Met Your Mother and the appearance of the mother is just... wow. I kept expecting some plot twist to happen. But no. She had the bass guitar, she wore boots, and was also going to Farhampton. She also had that fucking yellow umbrella. aslkjlasdfj. Part of me didn't want to believe it. The series is finally fucking ending, you know? There is only so much that the mind can process.

I've been watching this show really closely with two of my friends, and all of us had the same sentiments when we finished watching. Just. Wow. It's really happening. It's really going to end. The whole cast of actors are looking really old right now - even Barney. I'm not sure how i feel about that. Part of me is excited. But there's also a part of me that's really scared it's going to end. It's like fucking graduation again.

I guess in some way or another, watching a show end makes you aware of the passage of time, eh.

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In other news, i'm planning on buying a camera~ It's a Lumix LX7 . Maybe then i'd consider putting more photos here, y know. I'm not exactly much of a photographer, and i won't even go so far as saying that i know the basics. I'm not sure where i stand on the whole level of shooting things. But i guess sucking at something is the first step to being sort of good at something, eh?

Yep

Mood: none Now Playing: none

It feels like forever since i've written down anything here. I don't know what happened.

Actually, that's a lie. I know exactly what happened; i started writing. Then I stopped. There are so many reasons to write, i know, I used to say that. I believed in things. I believed that In The Writing we put down to paper the lines in our head. I did. But right now, there are just about a thousand reasons not to.

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Today is May 5th, and right now i have a lot of pending drafts here. It's incredibly cluttered. It's... just so messy here.

I'm still at my job. I type a lot faster right now than my old college self, and i don't trip as much as i do say, last year. It feels like so much has changed, but at the same time, so little. I don't know what i want to feel. To feel is to lie yourself on the ground, susceptible and unsuspecting.

Just yesterday, i kind of talked it out with two people from work and i found myself saying things that i've always known were in the back of my head that I was just scared to admit.  Maybe it was a bad idea to think too much, when i was just starting to get out of a hole i dug for myself. But it happened. And now i'm writing again. I don't know how long i can delude myself into thinking that things will get better soon. I know things will get better, yeah. I just don't know how soon it'll have to be.

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I think of everything that happened
in the shape of bus tickets
that i purposely misplace
in the crevices of my bag,
in between a book i read and
in pockets, cups, and cases
so i could look everywhere

and be reminded of
the placesi have seen
and how much more

i have to go