Yey

Mood: melancholic Now Playing: foo fighters

Suffocating, the air is.

I wanted to write a few minutes ago, but alas.

Two

Mood: none
Now Playing: none again

Forgetting.

Such a handy excuse.

Enclosure

Mood: none
Now Playing: chiisana koi no uta, mongol 800

There is a beast inside all of us, waiting to rear it's head. It is called by many names - sadness, misfortune, apathy, unkindness, but it's true name is perhaps one and all of them. To truly escape from its grasp takes the best of one's efforts, and it is an effort that is bearable only when one wills it to.

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I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because there are a lot of things going on, like things with a whole bunch of people being so unclear and fucking vague that i don't know what to do with them.

I don't really get people, and sometimes i am disgusted by them, but i think, as a fellow member of the human legion, that i am entitled to a bit of respect, and well, maybe some other things besides. It just doesn't feel right, and i am extremely uncomfortable with a lot of things, but it guess this is just how things go and this is how

No i don't really think that way, haha. Call me spoiled, but come on now. A little more effort would be so nice. Even the tiniest fraction of care or honesty or anything off that wagon you push so lovingly. I told myself i won't be a fucking doormat anymore, that i would stand up for myself and be, well, less like this and shit but i guess old habits are impossible to break, and almost impossible to get out of.

"We have just enough faith to make us hate, but not enough faith to makes us love," says Jonathan Swift, author of Gulliver's Travels. Faith can mean a lot of things, and I guess these words never meant so much as they do now, possibly more for others than they do for me.

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Spanish class is easily one of the most interesting classes this sem, mainly because it turns out into a game between who can decipher what he said in spanish first. Some background: our professor's a true Spanish guy, as true as the sunlight that gleams off his head. I'm not bashing him or anything, i actually like the guy. Its just that when you fire off phrase after phrase of spanish words, i feel like digging a hole and screaming "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttt~~"

True story.

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Funny thing happened the other day. We were going to this killer resort spa - and i mean killer in a good way - when we got lost. Lol. Dad was silent, but you could tell from the way he stepped on the gas that he was irritated. Mama was at the backseat, and i could tell she was trying to patch things up. Lol. Sorry but it all just seemed so ridiculous - the whole scene with the three kids at the back.

Capture Rapture

Mood: thinking
Now Playing: the smiths

Kindness is overrated. Well yeah, kindness is good once in a while, but people should just shut their mouths up and continue on their business. Kindness is useless against some forms of devastation. People should be more selfish and mind themselves more instead of thinking about other people. That's what i think at the moment, but i seriously too, doubt my own words. I don't want to accept this shit, but let's face it - the absence of kindness makes people hurt. The absence of kindness makes people feel doubt. To think that the absence of kindness hurts people so much is stupid, so if that's the case, then i'd much rather have not an inch of kindness at all. Let's face this bland hell of a world rather than look forward to little bits of kindness, like a dog in front of a biscuit.

Think about it. Who needs kindness anyway? Exhibit it, yes. But don't go around expecting kindness from anyone, cause no one will give it to you. Laws of life: 1) Don't let anyone mess with your head. 2) Stop expecting anything from anyone. 3) Get it by your own hands. 4) Don't stop believing.

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So that, ladies and gentlemen, was my post from a few nights ago. Today, i still can't clear my thoughts and shit, so i can't really pinpoint what the hell im thinking. But i guess it's pretty much more or less changed already. Fickle being, i am.

In other news, nothing much happened. OJT at some weird combination of hospital and hotel - crap! a hotelspital! - and pretty much editoring around, both of which mainly entails a crapload of tired and sleepy nights. I'm eating chips again, something which i have sworn off not eating too much since i've found out that it makes one retarded. I also like to think i'm stopping this incessant urge to make up fictional shiz, which i also think i'm not stopping at all, and this is turning into a conundrum and boom, it has already, hasn't it.

What im trying to say is that this piece of work is just fine again today.

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White-o!

Mood: irritated
Now Playing: hanako oku, garnet

Hngh. Just made the fatal mistake of saving over my blog's template a while back, so i was forced to create another design today. Couldn't think of what to design with, so i went for err. white.

Anyway, it's been a crazy couple of weeks that my head is in a complete mess right now. Hnggh. It's summer already, but i still feel like it's a school semester. Yeah, it's that crazy.

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In other news, someone is... leaving, again. People always do, but that doesn't mean i have to get used to it, does it? Anyway, it's not like it's for good. Besides, we'll still see each other around the area. Small comfort, eh?

Small comfort. Yeah right.

Struggle

Mood: irritated
Now Playing: donora, shh

"4.Wash away your “negative rantings” about this task we are requiring you because this is what it takes to reach a LEVEL 4 Accreditation. We are ALL in the same boat but we choose to be team players for the success of the College of Science."

lol sori pero wtf. wtf talaga.

This is part of a memo hovering around the college, since it's on it's way to achieve a level 4 accreditation. Apparently, the students are required to make reflection papers that would highlight a "significant learning experience" in the subject, and the quote above is one of the guidelines on how to it.

EXCUSE ME, COLLEGE OF SCIENCE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. WHAT THE FFFFF.

I have never been so disgusted with my college. The past blunders (like staging and requiring all students for a giant human rosary for a fucking guiness record (wtf was that?!) and allowing that shitty design of a quadri science shirt to even exist) are almost acceptable. Those were allowable blunders with the excuse that there are oversights and lapses of judgement on well, reasoning.

But to require the students to, in effect, lie about their learning experiences is almost unforgiveable. To repeat, i have never felt so disgusted about being a science thomasian until now.

Alam mo yung feeling na naglalakad ka sa sobrang lumang stairs sa tuwina'y papasok ka sa klase? Tapos mapapaisip ka pa kung ilang paa na rin ang nagdaan sa daang nilakakad mo? Tapos biglang ganito? Nakakainit ng buchi, sir.

And to think that i know a lot of things, things that would probably make wives and fathers think twice about enrolling this child in this school. The walls have eyes and ears, y'know. This is not a threat, but a statement on how much crap i've been taking, on how much crap i've been understanding.

This has been a post. This has been me making a stand of my own. We cannot exist without making a struggle, and it is in these struggles that we squirm for freedom.

Secrets

Mood: melancholic
Now Playing: the world spins madly on

If there is one song that i owe so much to, i think it would come to a close tie between rough draft by yellowcard, leaving song/out of my league by stephen speaks or the world spins madly on by the weepies. There's a whole lot more, but for this night, i am in the weepies mode. Holy crap this is starting to look like one of those posts again, isn't it? Maybe its because i haven't heard this song in such a long while that when i heard this morning, it was like a moment of total "shit, what the fuck are you doing, ding?!"

The human body is amazing. How is that we can hold so many emotions at once, without even bursting from all of it?

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Sometimes my inner subconscious conspires with the universe. Just this morning, i was walking at Lawton, looking for a jeep to ride. Suddenly this voice calls me from behind, and i turn around and see one of my friends laughing at me. I have no idea why.

So then she launched into how we should all get together after the tests. You know, like a getaway. I think she realized a lot of things during the course of the weekend, but she won't effing tells us a shit. Nonetheless, i think it's safe to say that whatever she has to tell us, would lead to something... something klasjdaskljd.

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This has got to be the most stressful week ever. I can't believe i'm measuring a room. MEASURING. Lol, like what the fuck am i doing, yo.

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Thoughts Incoherent

Mood: okay
Now Playing: straylight run, existentialism on prom night

A lot of things happened today, which is ironic in itself since we only had about an hour of actual lecture. Then again, maybe i must rephrase; when i say a lot of things happened today, i'm referring to the thoughts inside this convoluted head of mine - thoughts which i guess even i am not aware of until recently.

I guess today, one of the most pressing issues in the backburner came to life again - how quickly the world changes for each and every one of us. One moment, you could be living in a dream amongst the clouds, with the flowers and shit. The next, you could be walking along the lines of i dunno, deep shit.

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Somebody told me I've been an asshole lately, i guess. But let me offer this defense; it is always not without proper reason, not without proper meaning. There's always a meaning. Sometimes you tell it to your pillow, or your closet or maybe you just choose to just tell it to the tiny little voice inside your head that you know would always be there. Because let's face it; you can't tell other people everything, can you? There's always this line that separates what you could say and what you couldn't say.

And to the things that you just couldn't say, you have to take it by yourself. This is not an act of chivalry or stoicism or anything even remotely chauvinistically related. This is simply how things must be done. There are just some things that one has to confront by himself, without asking for the help of others. Yeah, the world sucks that way, but you have to suck it up yourself.

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I think i want to make a movie. Just the homemade kind, but a movie nonetheless.

I think i should write more.

Blinding, Walking

Mood: good
Now Playing: ocean avenue, yellowcard

So i'm slated to go for this autism walk a few hours from now, and dunno. It feels like Christmas. Y'know that awful yet warm feeling you get when you feel that what you're doing is going to help someone. Sheesh. I feel like curling up to die in my own vat of cheesiness. Srsly.

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Anyway i'm posting here to remind the future me of a few things. Today, i was at this fx, right? Nothing unusual with me at the back sitting quietly. Then suddenly, this barker helps out from another fx a bald, chubby man with a yellow shirt. Nothing strange with that, still, eh? But the thing is, the next moment, this bald and chubby man reaches inside his bag and pulls out a collapsible cane. Y'know, the one that collapses into a a smaller version of itself.

Now the barker helps into the vehicle the bald and chubby man into the middle set of seats. Immediately, the atmosphere changed around the fx. I could feel the other passengers exchanging looks with each other, like saying is this for real? And i think the question that was on a lot of people's minds was that how will he ever get off or how will he pay his fare and stuff.

... i think i've said it before. Human processes amaze me, and this moment didn't fail me in the slightest. He'd text and call someone using keypads with sound. He'd place the phone directly in his ear and keep on pressing and pressing until he's found what he was looking for. He'd rummage in his bag, and you could clearly see that he keeps his money in separate packets, so that he knows exactly how much he has to pay. Frankly, it's amazing. I've never seen him around before, but from the eavesdropping in his phone conversation, it seems he's from somewhere up north and he works as a therapist. Y'know, like a manghihilot or something.

Yeah. You never know when you'll get inspiration from, do we?

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About the autism walk, wala lang. I've felt a lot closer to that little thing i call a conscience inside of me, and i feel like i've tugged my heartstrings for a long long time already. Nuff said.

Memories

Mood: creepy Now Playing: panama, van halen

Tangibility is overrated.

How I Spent My Summer December, pt III

Mood: oks~! Now Playing:None

Paskuhan and The Things That Come After

So. Paskuhan. I honestly cannot remember what i did for last year's Paskuhan, so i decided to try attending this 2011 one. The last paskuhan i attended was way back when i was a freshman, and as far as i could remember, it was pretty awesome.

So this year, i was late. I was grabbing onto this pack of manila papers to keep them from running away from my fingers, i guess when this voice shouts out: "DING!" Thinking it was someone else, i continued on walking. But the voice was joined by another, until i was sure it was someone i knew. I whipped around and saw the siblings Kevin and Karen, plus Mikee and some guy i didn't know. Sorry if you're reading this, btw.

I haven't seen Kevin in months. He's this underclassman i knew way back in highschool, and we were both in the school paper together. "Oy, Kevin!" i said, pulling him into a manly shoulder bump. "Shet kamusta na?!" He grinned, i grinned, and just like that, for the next five minutes i was at SAS again.

So that's how i began my night - with that five minute nostalgia. I excused myself after a while amidst plenty of fist bumps and such. I picked my way through the hordes of little children (for everyone is a kid at a Paskuhan), gaining speed as i pushed myself here and there. As i inched across the crowds, the people were considerably lessening, until i could walk normally through the grass and i could see the patch of grass that we once called our own. I picked up my pace again, hurrying to see those bitches that have become a part of something that feels warm inside of me.

Paskuhan is always a wonderful time, and this time was no exception, i guess. The vibe was there, the groove was in, hell, even the scent of all it was there. I don't know why, but there were a lot of toys in that paskuhan, and soon enough, our camp was filled with bubbles and these soap suds that apparently leave a stain on brown things, plus those propellers that use a rubber band to launch them through the air. Told you everyone's a kid at paskuhan.

Anyway, when kamikazee started playing at the stage, we steeled ourselves to get near the stage, as word has it that pupil will be there. Plus the fireworks were better seen under the clear canopy of skies, not under the speckled patches in between the trees.

We were near the front, when everything all started at once: Pupil hitting the first few notes of their song, the first firework exploding at the sky, the first scream to be released from everybody's throats. Then suddenly, everything came rushing in an explosion of sound and i could only hold on to my ears for dear life as the crowds of people just kept whooping and clapping and ely's at the front of it all, stirring the crowd up.

Yeah. I was part of that.

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We stayed for a while after that - waiting for everybody's rides to come and pick them up. While we waited, we blew up bubble after bubble, retelling scary stories and not so scary stories. And i wanted to just curl up and listen to everyone around because they just kept on and on and everything just seemed so interesting and why the hell does this bubble blowing be so much fun?

Anyway, we were left with just three of us soon, and since it was late, i was seriously considering staying over. But there are some things that you can't just give up, so i made my exit at around 2 or was it 3 in the morning to get to a house in Paranaque on time for a promise. I was there in 30 minutes. Traffic evaporates at 2, you see.

It smelled like someone threw up, and someone really did.

Simbang Gabi was in full bloom by the time i staggered out of the house to hear the mass. I was nodding off as i stood, hitting people inadvertently with my shoulder. I was tired to the brim. I picked myself up after the mass and made my way back, cause i realized after much feeling of my pants pocket, that i had left my bubble blower at the house. I could only pray there was some bubbles left in there.

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People Are Nicer When It Is December

So people are infinitely nicer in December. I give you two examples:

Example 1:
I was with my bro at UST, when we passed by this 7-11. Sakto namang may lumabas na may dalang tubig, mainit na cup na lucky me instant noodles at saka tinapay. Inabot nila yun sa nakaupong matanda sa gilid ng 7-11 ng nakangiti.

Example 2:
I was sitting in an FX, right at the back part, when unfortunately, my hand slipped while i was paying the fare. My coins slipped right under the seats and for a good 5 minute or so, the ones at the middle were rummaging inside their seats when the driver just have a shrug and said, "sige iho, okay lang un"


I rest my case. :)

How I Spent My Summer December, pt II

Mood: still happy
Now Playing: none

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Hey, Dad

My dad calls every once a week, and i think it may just be me who's noticing this, but the calls come in more frequently. There was a time a few weeks back when i was sitting at the sala watching TV (which i do periodically now), when suddenly, the phone rang, effectively cutting out the dialogue of Mark Logan's comedy feature of the day.

"Hellloooo?" in my best imitation of a zombie eating brains.
"Hello, dar?" came the response. Hushet, si Pa! Came my immediate thought. Fight or flight na to. Should i call for help and pass the phone to someone or should i talk for a bit?

"Ui, Pa! Kamusta?" Came my reply, cringing almost as soon as the words left my mouth.

I honestly cannot remember what we talked about after that. Nope, true story. Anyway, it's pretty funny to see when my parents talk on the phone. Not that i can see papa's reactions anyway, but mama is pure gold. She gushes, she speaks in hushed tones, her whole auditory vocabulary is reduced to that of a teeny girl. It's very amusing to watch, actually. No kid.

Yesterday, we celebrated dad's birthday. Yep, December 31. Pretty cool, eh? Anyway every year we do this thing for dad. We make a collage of pictures of us or we send him videos to cheer him up there. Every single year. Come to think of it, every single occasion, heh. So one afternoon, i made a college and wrote a letter signed by all of us. His reply just came in a few minutes ago: "....As always I'm Proud of you Guys ... and Mama and Me were always there with you and We all wanted to see you all Happy and be Successfull in all WHAT LIFE IS THERE AHEAD..."

Foreboding, much? Grammar-wise it sucked bigtime. But then again, grammar isn't everything.

PS.
What's weird is that even though i signed it "from all of us", he started with "hello, son" I don't know if it's simply an oversight of things or what. Also, son. Woot, woot.

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Catching Up

So i caught up to the guys one night and when out some drinks at BF. Catching up to them felt pretty good. People were doing well, it seems.

It's amazing to see how much we've grown over these past few years. For one, we no longer have those ridiculously short haircuts that CAT demands of us. For another, i guess we've gotten enough scars to warrant us a medical certificate, to the point that we can proudly wear them on our sleeves. Lesson learned, in other words. We're more mature, more amazing and more daring than we've ever been since then. And i guess even if the jokes are still the same, the meaning behind it changes, and you learn to appreciate that, y'know? The fact that you could joke around, but the smiles are still all too knowing, all too understanding.

Yeah. So we stopped at a Goodah (open 25/8!) at around 1 am, i think? Talking shit and nonsense. I think i once pointed out that shit and reason flies out the window past 2 am, but i guess i have to revise that a bit. Sometimes, reason remains, and it is in this half-asleep, half-passed out state that some of the best conversations are born.

We capped off the night with a round of DOtA at around 4, with clearing the last round at 6 or 5 ish, i think. Some things never change, i guess, and i hope that some things never do.

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This Is Why You Should Regularly Clean Your Room

One day in my sembreak, i found out that i had absolutely nothing to do. As an extreme act of boredom, i found myself digging out my closets, cleaning them out from within.

I started cleaning at about 7. I ended up finishing at around past 11. 11 PM. Hnggh. Maybe my methods were overly meticulous - taking out of all the contents of a drawer, cabinet or shelf, then cleaning the dust off with a vacuum cleaner, then wiping a damp cloth on the area before putting the contents of the shelf back again. If i find a loose nail, i hammer it down. If i find a loose thread of fabric, i cut it free. It's that tedious, it's almost unbelievable, really.

But i guess the one reason why i took so long is because i needed to go through each item one by one. I'm a huge packrat. I keep around prize tickets from game machines, i fold receipts and used wrappers of candy, i pin to my board any souvenier or memorabilia i find.

So it comes to no surprise to find my cabinet full to bursting with a lot of memories. Some were pretty sucky, yeah, i'll grant you that. But the thing is, they're still my precious memories, and i wouldn't trade them for anything else in the world. Unless of course you've got a PS2 you want to sell for about a hundred, then... loljk kidding. I won't trade these for anything.

Among the items i found there was this draft of a letter written in a piece of brown stationery addressed to someone. Yeah, i know. I write drafts in stationery. That was how... weird i was then - writing even a draft on a piece of stationery. Hay, puberty.

Another of one those old relics i've found is these bunch of old photographs, taken when i was in elementary. Pretty standard poses back then, i guess. As school kids, we were taught that swearing was bad and we should never ever do it. So we didn't. Really. I seldom cursed back in elementary. High school was... different, i guess. My favorite expression back then was this: "AY, POGITA!" I'd shout "AY, POGITA!" whenever i fell down or knocked someone over, or whenever i felt like cursing at the world in general. "AY, POGITA!"

To my great joy and embarrassment, i ended up unearthing a set of old notebooks, with the last pages crumply with writing. It was weird to see how the young me wrote stuff up - there was one with a detailed plan on how to liberate the philippines, a map of the subdivision, and the makings of an rpg game. Sheesh. How geeky can one get? xDD

All in all, it was a very long and very tiring day, but i came up with a few spoils. I unearthed a director's set of a chair and table, as well as numerous old notebooks that could be good for a decent night of writing or just as scratch paper. But just as well, i ended up unearthing things i buried so long ago, too.

This time, instead of burying them again, i took them all and placed them neatly on a separate space, away from everything else. Sometimes, i guess even if the pain or what's left of it kills you to bits, it still feels good to remember.

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