Seriously

Mood: irritated, furious
Now Playing: none

Dad just drilled out six tiles from outside my room without covering up the crack beneath my door and the floor. The result? Cement dust from the drill blew into my room and now covers about everything inside. hngj. My beautiful orange room, which i have just cleaned not just a month ago, is now covered in what i think is an inch thick of white cement dust.

Seriously, motherfucker. What the fuck are you doing?

Stupidities

Mood: confused
Now Playing: Perfect, Boyce Avenue Cover

1. Knowing it's a mistake but doing it anyway.
2. Being too naive.
3. Convincing yourself you're satisfied when you're not.
4. Closing too hard, too soon, too quick.
5. Not knowing when to stop.
6. Blurring the boundaries.
7. Trusting someone too much.
8. Asking yourself to change, but doing nothing about it.
9. Not letting go.
10. Letting go too soon.

Pahabol: There is too much of everything.

The Anatomy of My Room, Pt II

Mood: groggy, but i've eaten already
Now Playing: Dare to Believe, Boyce Avenue

So what's all the hoo-ha about me posting pic (actual pic, mind you) about my room? Well to begin with, aside from the fact that i was incredibly bored, we must start with the fact that i am a very packey person. I tend to pack everything up. That's why cleaning is such a bitch for me because i tend to unearth so many things. I collect things like bottlecaps, candy wrappers, used wet wipes containers and a whole lot jumbo that sometimes.. hngh.

Anyway, where was I? I was rummaging through my cabinet when I found letters to myself. More of notebooks, really. I mean it was written on notebooks. And in between those pages, out slipped another piece of paper. It only had one line: "remember remember"

Hngh. Suddenly it felt as if the room folded itself, like years of forgetting have all turned on me.

Maybe that's why we hold on to things, you know? To remember shit. Because memory is faulty, and we need all of those cues to remind us how we lived back then, how much air in our lungs was. It's comforting to know that, there will always be a piece of the past to remind us how we lived by.

Yun nga lang. Sometimes i feel so suffocated. There is not a single thing in this room without memory, good or bad. Each little scratch on the furniture tells a hundred stories.

But... if you were to give me a choice between forgetting and remembering, i'd go remembering all the way. Not to say that i don't like forgetting, but isn't getting over the more proper way to deal with.. bad stuff? And for that to happen, i guess some semblance of remembering is in order. (Then dealing with it.)

And someday, all of this would be just memories too. That's why i'm pretty grateful to the past me for writing me all these letters. Don't worry future me. You'll have your turn.

But if i had my way, i'd sucker punch the 15-year old me. What, goddamnit, are you writing?

The Anatomy of My Room pt I

Mood: just woke up
Now Playing: DMB, crash into me

February

Mood: tired, but i just can't sleep
Now Playing: Marching On, One Republic

This is another long overdue post. I have yet to talk about how my year started, but as of now, what i want to focus is on my February. This is, by far, the most taxing February i have ever had the fortune to land on, and i think it has drained my reserves of qualities i never knew i had in me.

I

To start off, i believe the most apt description of my February is how my values and beliefs were all shaken apart, only for a lot of people to pick up the pieces and make it whole again. I have never taken the time to examine the quality of friendship, and it took me quite a long time to redefine my concepts of it.

Where does friendship even begin, anyway?

From my experience, it always begins with a very small step - minuscule, in my case. Then you gradually notice things about the person; like the way they tuck their hair behind their ears or the way their pinkies salute the air when they drink. Sometimes it's good to notice. Sometimes... it's not. Sometimes, you take note of things that are just enough to peel away a tiny part of your skin - and it is painful. Questions such as why, and how often has it been this week seep out of it. But then you dismiss it as something trivial and chalk it instead to friendship. Accidents happen, anyway.

However, there comes a time that there's no more skin left to peel off and it just feels so raw, and well, so damn hurting.

It took me a long time to realize this fully, but there are some things which are just too much. And getting used to it only makes things worse, because you just can't confront hurt when you're just accepting it as fact all the time.

But does this mean the end of bonds, of connections? It only builds you up and eat you inside - hurting, i mean. And from it, rises the question of whether you'll all survive this.

Normally, i would have said that i have no answer; that i'm as confused as all of you about stuff like this.

Truth is, i've changed. I guess we all have. Someone once told me the importance of belief. Most of life, really, is a big gamble. You have no assurance of anything whatsoever, and it's really dangerous to make promises that you can't keep. But that, she taught me, is when belief kicks in. She told me that we've all got to stop being cynics. Just... believe. We're all jaded, tired of waiting for better things to come that in the end, we just stopped believing that things will get better. There is no cure for this except to just believe in each other. Things like trust, faith and belief all used to just be the words in a spelling bee, or when you have to describe something totally ordinary. Now, it's a reminder of so many memories i find myself to be really fond of.

We've all got our ball, we've all got our chain. We're all moving at a snail's pace. But still. We're getting there. And we're getting there good.

30DC: Day Three

Mood:fine
Now Playing: chasing cars, snow patrol

What kind of person attracts you

It's actually a funny thing; someone just asked me this question a few nights ago. And as always, i had a hard time thinking up an answer.

Physically, the people whom i'm attracted with will ALWAYS have glasses, OR have the most amazing eyes, as if i could drown myself in them. Which, i think, i'd be most willing to, given the ability. I'm also attracted to people with amazing hair - not the kind that's styled up. But more of the just-gotten-out-of-bed style. I dig the natural look, kind of like the sort of get-up that one would pull off with a simple jeans and a button down.

But the physical attractiveness ends there. For me, I guess attraction begins in the most attractive place of all - the mind. I'm not saying i'm as deep as the ocean here, but personality wins over looks anytime. The age - old argument of personality vs looks was long decided in my head a long time ago, and i intend to live by it.

So.

The most attractive people i find are usually the ones who a) write, b) take photos, c) listen to good music, d) sleep a lot and finally, e) read. From all of these things, i guess i'm attracted most to people who i think, are like me. (That's a shocker). It takes a lot of time to find people who are practically you in so many ways, but the process is always the same: the weird gut feeling that you get when you meet a person for the very first time and go "holy crap, this one is just like me!" Cause i mean, what are the chances of finding people who are just like you?

Now THAT, my friends, is what attraction is to me. It isn't some physical judgement that you make on the basis of what goes for you. It's the realization that you can get along fabulously with this person. The realization of possibilities, just like the smell of a whole library full of books standing together, side by side for the rest of time immemorial.

Endings

Mood: weird
Now Playing: none

Ceremonies were never my thing. I dislike organized events, especially when i'm in the program. This i thought i was so sure of before i began yesterday.

The source of my conundrum was the end of the year ceremony at the college. People thought it was a mouthful to say "the end of the year ceremony" so they just called it induction, turnover and other short-sounding words. As a part of the college's milieu of organizations, i was supposed to turn over the "key of knowledge and responsibility" to my junior, an excellent pick named Umi.

It's too tiring to elaborate anything here, but let me just say this. It has been my pride to serve in this organization, no matter what everybody else says, i am so proud of my staff.

Hngh. As the ceremony ended and we all trooped back to the office, i couldn't resist looking at the gray sky.

... i still don't like ceremonies.

30DC: Day Two

Mood: weird
Now Playing: boyce avenue, dare to believe

How have you changed in the past 2 years?

The only significant thing that happened in the past two years was probably the realization that a small patch of grass could become a bed, and eight totally unrelated people could be part of something amazing.

Hmm. I guess i've changed, pretty much. I'm much taller, much... wider now than i ever used to be. But if i could choose a word for it, i'd settle for more fanciful and even more jaded.

30DC: Day One

Mood: Okay Now Playing: Lady Danville, Cars

Weird things you do when you’re alone.

Long ago, when i was still in grade school, i longed to be this amazing video game creator. My seatmate back then would encourage me, as she also wanted to play the scenario i thought up in my head. So i guess it was from that encounter that the first seeds of my video game came to fruition.

It all connects to this weird thing that i do when i'm alone. I place myself in the boots of a certain student at the Central Academy City, the only Academy in Hilde-baran that floats up in the sky. Central Academy City is one of the branches of the Government-sponsored education program, with the Archivists as the Academy's mentors. All in all, there are a total of five branches - central, northern, southern, eastern and western - situated across the provinces. In each of the branches, the students are trained to form contracts with Espers (spirits of the Endless Realm) to imbibe them within themselves or in weapons or are trained solely on the arts of marksmanship with highly technical weapons. Misfortune strikes when an unknown force attacks Central, and it is up to the students to fend for themselves in an academy up in the sky.

LOL. Haha. That's the plot anyway. Whenever i'm alone, i'd like to imagine i'm the student in question, and we're finding the mystery (the plot thickens! the government is actually the bad guy, but not entirely) behind the attacks. I won't go into the personas here, but kekekeke. xD

I do this thing where i twirl a spear (or an arnis stick or a ballpen or anything long and thin, in particular) around my fingers and imagine i am the Kraken-culling, warlord - turned - student.

Or maybe i charge up my right arm with a thousand volts of electricity and let it all loose in an acrobatic display hooks and wires charged with the voltage of a hundred cities.

Or heck, maybe i'm reciting incantations non-stop via the Book of Ages as the wheels of fate turn painfully, screwed on my back.

ANYWAY. haha. That's the general picture. Weird is in.

Games

Mood: Okay
Now Playing: Lady Danville

Being the bored bum that i am, i ventured to this site, 30daychallenges , in the hopes of alleviating my boredom and my thirst for intellectual stimulation.

Today is March 3, 2012. The challenge that caught my eye was this:

1. Weird things you do when you’re alonge.
2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?
3. What kind of person attracts you.
4. What you wear to bed.
5. 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.
6. The person you like and why you like them.
7. Your opinion on cheating on people.
8. Something you’re currently worrying about.
9. Your last kiss.
10. Your views on drugs and alcohol.
11. Your currently relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
12. Things you want to say to an ex.
13. A date you would love to go on.
14. Something disgusting you do.
15. The best things to happen to you this week.
16. 3 things you are proud of about your personality.
17. Things that make you scared.
18. Disrespecting parents.
19. Something that never fails to make you feel better.
20. The last argument you had.
21. Something you can’t seem to get over.
22. 10 things about you people don’t really expect.
23. Something you always think “what if…” about
24. Things you want to say to 5 different people.
25. 10 ways to win your heart.
26. Your religious beliefs.
27. Talk about your siblings.
28. The month you were happiest this year why.
29. A picture of yourself.
30. What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month.

Which will start next post, to make it neater i guess.

Gray Sky Evenings.

Mood: Melancholic Now Playing: The Best I've Ever Had, Vertical Horizon

It's all real, isn't it?

I think i must stop listening to Vertical Horizon. Hngh. Sakit sa puso. I don't want to leave people. Honestly, i'm not ready yet to be part of the rat race.

There's so many things left to do, anyway.

Wala pa nga, nalulungkot na ko. Man up, Ding.