consolation, II

Mood:pretty much okay.
Now Playing: kids in glass houses, raise hell

So it's 2:30 in the morning, and i can't sleep. I know i WANT to, and i sure as hell know that i NEED to, but my body just won't follow. Now this is remarkable in itself, as i have been amaazingly depriving myself of sleep this past few days, but still... and the thing is, i don't know if i can still pull this off; writing these posts that must always have a little room for hiding things in. Maybe it's just me, yeah sure. But the thing about staying up late at this time of the.. the morning, without a plan or a decision,even is just plain stupid.

Anyway, i'll be going to my highschool in a few hours time, and gahd im nervous as hell. Im supposed to be just picking up some things and my yearbook... but this just feels weird, y'know. Like im not supposed to be there anymore. Like the present batch has overtaken the school and overwritten my memories of the school in it. Like if i touch something, i'll have destroyed something which they have fought and loved for, and i'd hate to do that. I might get fragged by saying this, but I guess what im saying is that im betting it'll feel weird; to be at the school but at the same time, to not be. Your memories are still there, of course. But you can't erase the fact that this generation will undoubtedly have carved their own memories into stone pillar after every stone pillar, and im guessing it'll feel awkward. that's all.

And another thing; it's like this yearbook is what binds me to this school, y'know. Y'see, it's like my one-way ticket to see my school again, to have a legit excuse to peek in here and out. And, as with usual one way tickets go, i hate to throw my tickets away without having a spare one in my pocket. It's childish, i know. And plenty pitiful, i understand that. But know that i can't do things without an assurance of something - something that will lead me to believe that what im doing is worth the risk, is worth fighting for. In this case, if i give away my one way ticket.. all i want to ask is, is it really worth getting that freaking yearbook?

I know it's completely unsupported by facts and reason, and a lot of things here will confuse even the brightest of my friends or the shiniest of the stars, but hey. That's what emotions are for, aren't they? To give meaning to which we cannot attribute logic or reason.

I seem to be an emotional person, then.

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So, it's 2:16 in the afternoon, quite a few hours between the 1st paragraphs up there and the time of writing. Im just lucky i saved this post as a draft, so it looks like i have a chance to add some shit in here.

Aaanyway, about the part about disturbing the shit and all that, i was right; it did felt really awkward to be there. We chanced upon classroom upon classroom and boom, my 4th yr classroom was turned into a freaking spanish lab or something. I mean, what the hell, spanish lab. It's practically great, it's amazing, it's cool that the school's finally getting some real props, but.. aun. it doesn't change the fact that what was the epic shit for me is just another classroom to them. i dunno. it's getting too dramatic for words, and im not in much of a writing mood today.. but. aun. i know nothing.

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went to a bookstore today, and half an hour later, finished reading vince teves' third and final book, The Wedding. It's just one of those summit books that you can get at 150, but gahd. The words hit home, the story hits home, and you could actually taste the emotions in it. Im not freaking kidding. It makes sense.

Probably the only thing that makes sense to me nowadays.