Lengthy

Mood: Fine 

Now Playing: Crash Into Me, Boyce Avenue Cover

Up to the present time, writing is still hard for me. I'm out of practice. Out of sync with, well, the natural order of my being. I've been complaining about this for quite a bit now, but to do something about it somewhat unthinkable. I still have two unfilled notebooks, and to touch them reminds me too much of the things that I have to do.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't properly talked about work yet, have I? My official title is an HR interviewer at BackCheck, a Human Resource firm that provides pre-employment background checks on different clients around the world. Basically what I have to do is to pull up a bunch of people's files and talk to some people. I'm not really sure I can go onto specifics, seeing as it's a company which is pretty big on security and all that... so, yeah. Or maybe I'm just putting on an aura of mystique and importance, haha. Nah, kidding; I'm not really sure though, and I don't want to lose my job.

There is one thing I'd like to recount though. On on occasion, as I was ending the call, the person I spoke to said how glad he was that some people actually do the extra mile to know who they're hiring. I was pretty lost at that. Up to that point, I haven't been thanked properly. People just do the notions, y'know? You get to find that out pretty early. Saying "thanks for your time" and hearing "yeah no problem, goodbye" gets to sound pretty mechanical from early on. And I dunno, just getting thanked in that way is such a suckerpunch to the gut. Pow. For a second, you matter. You are appreciated.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talking about work is taxing. Mainly in that what I really want to do for the rest of my life isn't exactly a desk job such as this. But the pay is really good, and I feel lucky to be earning a bit. It's a jarring experience to shell out a hundred pesos for food since you know you actually worked for that bill. But the jarriness fades away when you realize that you actually worked for that 100 peso bill. It feels good, to be honest.

There is also a certain time during the month that you ask yourself what you really want to be, what you really want to do, and it mostly comes during payday. Everything is put into perspective. How much money are you going to put into your "for the future" funds and how much of it is going to that camera you've always really wanted but haven't got the moolah to get.

Things like these sometimes keep me up during the day (I can't sleep so well at the night anymore). But I feel really grateful that I still have a home to go to. And well, not have bills to pay.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Going home one morning, I had this sudden urge to see the sea. I dropped off the bus at Baclaran and started trudging towards the bay area of MOA. Ang jologs, ikr. But I stopped for a bit at the subway by Blue Wave to get provisions before I continued walking. It was a weird experience to walk through an empty parking lot, and it's one of those memories I think I'll remember.

As luck would have it, that Sunday was the UAAP cheerdance competition dance, and at 6 in the morning, FEU thought it was appropriate to mingle around the stadium. I turned tail away from the crowd and found a spot near the end of the area, near some oldies who were stretching for their morning run.

The sea was still as dirty as ever, and the salty smell of seawater with just a hint of garbage wafted through the air. I breathed it in, sat on the cold and slightly wet ledge and waited for the emotions to come. They were not sad or anything, but it's just a really weird feeling when you come to a particular place and suddenly realize that you've been here before, and you were not alone.

I stood up at around 8 in the morning, and picked my way through the already growing crowd of students. It's funny, really. How sad we feel sometimes even when we have so many people crowding our space.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To the me in the future, please take time to travel. Preferably for a month. That is all.

Tropical Love

Mood: fine
Now Playing: Skinny Love, Bon Iver

Sometimes, things are just indescribable.

On the way home from work today, (I work at BackCheck as an HR interviewer, by the way) I had two stops before going home. I stopped at Tropical Hut for breakfast, and the old parish church near home.

Tropical Hut recently just cemented over a good half of their premises. Literally - where at least two rows of tables and seats should have been stood a concrete wall. I'm thinking it got bought off, since the wall was made of concrete as opposed to the wooden walls construction usually use. Tropical Huts aren't really top of the line fast food chains. Have you ever seen a Tropical Hut at an SM before? I mean like a huge big spot, not in the food courts or something like that. I'm guessing they aren't really that hot at the moment.

But I don't know. I still like eating at that place. I've come to decide that I like breakfasts after all, and Tropical Hut still serve the same coffee that makes my stomach a bit funny. (Possibly because it comes with a glass of juice, so)

I like eating there.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Work has been pretty straightforward. I keep hearing plans on how long other people are going to stay, or maybe of what they're going to do after, but I don't know. I don't have any concrete shit going on.

Maybe I agree, when this morning over breakfast at McDo, people told me that the work can be kind of demeaning. I mean, no one ever graduates out of college thinking that he's going to interview people up. Even I don't want that.

But it's a start, I guess. I don't know if I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not putting my life on hold. I have no idea if this is my brain talking, rationalizing stuff. I don't know by convincing myself that "it's just the first step of many" I'm covering up some stuff. I just don't.

The things I know about the future seem so little.

Safe Harbor pt II

Mood: alright
Now Playing: she doesn't get it, the format

June
In my first interview, the interviewer asked me what my long term-plans were. I thought of saying the truth, but i decided at the last minute to say that I'm looking at the worlds right now, and i want to have a taste of this world. Then at the end of it, I changed my mind and said the truth: that I have always wanted a family.

I finally got around the city to go up and get some of the documents, and it wasn't really that bad at all. They were good days, good days indeed.

July
After a while, the interview questions are routine: what's your name, how many minutes will you be commuting if ever, how much will your rate be, yknow, those kind of things. Then suddenly, an interviewer stumps you with a question:  "in this position (HR recruiter for some firm) what do you think will be the most important question to ask an applicant?" after some thought, I came up with a fantastic "how interested are you in the position?" Needless to say, they never called.

I've been running around the city a lot during those days. In between, i slept and thought of how best to, yknow. Exist.

August
I've landed a job. I start on Aug 6, and today is Aug 5 already. I don't know what to feel, or even if i do want to feel. I feel like talking, but I don't want to talk. I've just gone a 48 hour family trip, and I'm tired as hell. But still, I've been writing for the past hour already.

As I'm typing this, the rain still won't let up, and it falls vertically, almost as straight as an arrow. I'm kind of missing the time when it swayed with the wind, and the raindrops danced. The droplets didn't fall as straight as they are now, but in random patterns, buoyed by the gusts of wind.

There really is no indirect meaning to what I am about to say, and it is random as I would allow myself in this public log, but I just need to get this off my chest. I'm kind of missing everybody.

Safe Harbor pt I

Mood: alright
Now Playing: skinny love, bon iver

Oh hello, blogspot. I'm really sorry for neglecting you so. A lot of things have happened since I last wrote here, and I've really been meaning to write down things... its just hard to pen the moments, you see?

March 
In the weeks preceding graduation, people were nicer, friendlier, funnier and generally more nostalgic. Graduation goggles, anyone? It can be quite difficult differentiating what really happened from what people felt happened. I'm pretty guilty myself. I've written two letters addressed to the future me, you see. And i've read one of them already. What was I thinking, indeed.

From the letter:

"... I've been thinking, and if you're reading this then this means that you need to; and I have only a few things to say to you, my future self. Don't be afraid to make mistakes with people. They will inevitably do things that will make no sense, that will make you bleed from the inside and they will be just so infuriating. But still. Do not be afaid... [sic] "

April 
Graduation day was far from what my 10-year old self pictured. For one thing, there was no confetti, nor hats thrown in the air or doves flying by the hundreds. But one thing he did got right was the huddle at the end, and the feeling you get on your stomach when you're in freefall.

I have never felt so many conflicting emotions at the same time. We're all in one piece, yep. But at the same time, it was the end of a long-trudged road; we were at the end of the road after many decisions and shit, but we didn't reach the same spot at the same time. It actually is pretty hard and sad for me to say this, as I understand this is quite the sensitive subject. But please allow me some room for apologies, if needed. I'm typing without pausing, thinking without braking.

People talk about the experience of graduation itself. They seldom talk about how it feels afterward. It feels like shit. Then, gradually, it gets better before it reverts to shit again. I keep thinking of how much similar it is to a diver walking the plank at 20 feet up.  People egg you to go on, and when you finally do make the leap, there is much cheering and stuff. But the similarities end there. With the diver, it starts the moment he jumps from the board and ends with him breaking the water's surface. At that moment, he finishes. He's done. He can go home now. Graduation starts the moment it starts, and ends the moment it ends, but you haven't really broken the surface of the water yet. You're still in free fall. You thought the leap was the end of it, but it turns out you're just beginning.

May 
If April was a milkshake of feelings, May was the bland taste of water after the ungodly swirl of milkshake flavors that was April. Plans were made and remade at the last minute, people kept saying they missed each other terribly and things were broken and mended at the same time. I think I thought of a lot of things at this time, that I inadvertently hurt myself just by thinking some stuff, too. Overthinking, you will be the death of me.

People kept pestering me to get the needed mature stuff: NBI clearance, SSS and all those other government stuff. I spent most of they day in my room, sleeping. If I could have, though, nothing would please me more than to shout at their faces "I DO NOT FUCKING WANT TO FUCKING DO ANYTHING."

We all finally got together on the last day of May, almost dawning on June. It was as random and fun as ever, and there are lots of memories I'd like to keep on remembering for a good chunk of time. It felt awfully familiar. Tagaytay was cold; I couldn't help but shiver for a bit on the way home.

Walks

Mood:  Fine. 

Now Playing: nothing

I think it was in a tv show. Yes, i think it was. It was most certainly The Sheldon Cooper that said that the unconscious works best when doing menial stuff, since the menial stuff occupies another part of the brain, freeing the unconscious to do what it does best.

Or at least i think that's how it goes.

Disconnected. Is this the right term?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other news, i took a walk today, and i ended up a few paces away from my old elementary school. There was nothing there that felt familiar, but at the same time, it felt as nothing ever really fades away. For one thing, the grass was too green. For another, there wasn't enough air.

Feels like I'm drowning in strings of lost connections.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other, other news. I've been trying to figure out a lot of things lately. And most of the time, to be honest, they fit perfectly. To be even more honest, fitting the pieces of the puzzle hurts. More than what i thought it'd be.  To be even more honest than before, it kind of hurts quite a bit.  To be really, completely, honest though, I'm finding that I don't mind it all that much.

Up Against The Wall

Mood: feeelings. 

Now Playing: hoppipolla, sigur ros.

This will be a post about my brother. When you were born into this world, i was probably around grade school back then. You were loud, obnoxious and generally a spoiled sonofabitch. There are many theories; my favorite is the one where you were cradles so hard your head was hitting the wall already. That should have shook so many neurons out of your system.

Anyway, we enter into your childhood. You watched tv than what i should have thought was necessary. Your icons were not sesame street o batibot, but rather beyblades, crush gear, and all of the anime that the local networks thought were interesting. You spent your mornings building not Legos or K'nex as your sister and i did, but you played with toys that had guns and sometimes had actual shooting mechanisms. There was a time when the house was full of pellets and shit it was difficult to walk around without embedding one in your feet. You were raised in a house of cynics; i was just hitting high school and your sister was just trying to last through college. Needless to say, we both felt like we were masters of our world then, and we were tired and jaded already.

But you came along to fuck things up a bit. Suddenly i had this little kid who used to tag along everywhere. I think most of the reasons why you chose my school in the first place was because you thought we'd be in the same class together. I was in third year, and your section was just right below ours. You visited me sometime during lunch, as you disliked having to carry your own baon, and Nanay would have to go and deliver it to you.

You didn't fit in, kid. The classes were too long and too hard, you said. The doctors advised a more quiet environment for you, somewhere where they didn't have 40 students in one single section. So, after just one year at my school, you switched schools to a more closer one to home. The students there were only about half of what you were used to.

Now, as of the present writing, you've chosen to enroll in your old school back then. Even the teachers were surprised. I could tell they weren't used to getting students for high school education.

Now, you lock the doors and hang out with kids who are on their way to delinquentville. You spend your spare time locked up in your room playing your console games and you've learned how to call those soldiers on screen motherfuckers, cunts, and other language even i am shocked of. You ask for things from mother daily, and you throw these tantrums when everything goes to shit in your plan. You're listening to shit music, and i know i've got no right to judge your taste in music, but can you just pick a song that doesn't cuss at people, or glorify stupid stuff? You've even been doing things that are just plain wrong, even for you. I know you're better than this. You rarely help out at the house much, or even none at all. Even when we're blatantly trying to trigger your Christian guilt to just freaking care, y'know? About us, your family. Because you don't seem like you care at all. I know it might just be a phase, but please can you just give us a sign that you're okay. Stop fucking hiding in your room. We might drive you crazy, i know that from experience. Hell, They also drove me crazy when i was at your age. But you know what brought me back from the darkness every single time? It was the same people i was trying to turn away from. That's just the thing. You have to stay sane, and get past all of these shit. It fucks you up, but nobody gets through life a virgin. Life fucks everything up. (Cobain)

And even though i said all that shit about you i still fucking love you, you know? Cuase you're my freaking brother, and you're the only one i've got. I know you have problems focusing and shit. And maybe the time will come when you'll need all those pills they have to make you focus more. And even though you have about 6 years of high school education ahead of you, and most likely your siblings will be the on to pay you through all of your future expenses, God. I just fucking want you to know that you'll never be completely alone you stupid, fucked up, shit faced bastard. Even when everyone else fucking leaves you, we never will.

30DC: Day Five

Mood: fine Now Playing: Photograph, Donora

5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex 


Opposite Sex:
1. When you complain about being left by bastards, when in reality, you just fall for the same kind of bastards all over again. I mean, come on. There are lots of great guys out there that won't break your heart.
2. When you don't think before you speak. Or when you don't google before you post.
3. Posting a status that says how lamentably ugly you are, when the truth is there's nothing wrong with you and you just need the attention. Grow the fuck up.
4. Whores by design AND decision.
5. When you think you can just get people whatever the fuck you want by acting sexy, please stop it. There is nothing more ugly nor as disappointing, as seeing someone make a complete slut out of herself.

Same Sex:
1. You fuck around and act like a dick, then suddenly become as sweet as honey when people you want to impress come in.
2. When you have little to no concern over everything else that does not concern yourself. This fucks up the social balance of the world, yknow.
3. Acting like a prick that got all that swagger.
4. When you fuck around women and treat them as rags, when they really honestly loved you. This is where the social stigma comes from, fucker.
5. All muscle, no brain. But then again, the world needs some pack mules.

Bonus: Things that irritate me in general about people
1. How the fuck can you keep fucking around people and don't expect karma? Imagine a hundred people wishing for your death each day? That's gotta mean something, and i'm not talking about mojo and stuff; a hundred people can actually kick your butt pretty easily.
2. People without basic courtesy. Did your mom never teach you any manners, mofo?

Hour and a Half

Mood: melancholic Now Playing: coldplay, fix you.

The place i live in is very quaint, but it's so far flung that most the places i need to be are so... distant. It's unsettling, y'see, because not only is it a harrowing experience to flag down an FX at 7 in the morning (oh wait, there aren't any at that hour) but it's also an experience to sit down quietly for about an hour and a half.

An hour and a half. I used to think that this time frame was as long and dragging as balls, but as time went by, it carried on a different meaning. It's the time it takes me to wake up every morning - to PROPERLY wake up every morning. It's the time it takes for a class in my building to end every Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's the time it takes to sufficiently feel the muscles in your body tense after a good session of Rockband. But most of all, it's the time it takes for me to get home from the university. Hey, if you do the math, i have sat around public vehicles for around 27 000 minutes in my four years as an undergrad. And that's excluding the summer classes, the impromptu sessions and other things that are worth mentioning, in due time.

But enough ranting. It's this gap - that hour and a half mark - between my destinations that signals my brain to turn off all signals and inhibitions and just... let go.

You know how these things go.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is just so much to say that i don't know how to begin. To tell the truth, i have been sitting here for about the entirety of a day, even when my day starts when everybody else's ends, and i have been waltzing back and forth between writing and erasing.

You know, just for the record, let me just say how important all of you guys are. Even as a writer, i must admit that there is a point where even words don't matter anymore, just because there are almost no words for this. I mean, is there a word for the confidence a trapeze artist feels when he knows that the other artist won't let go of him a hundred feet in the air? Or is there a word for the leap in a dog's step when it sees it's master after a long time? I don't think there is.

I'll tell you a secret. I get pretty conscious when people start to walk next to me. Because in all honesty, i'm probably secretly nervous when people around me are so close they could hear me breathe. I'm intimacy-tolerant - i have next to zero levels of social intimacy in me that it wonders me how easy some of us can link hands, elbows, or maybe shoulders or legs or maybe even hair with another. It puzzles me to think how hugs work, or how many Mississippis i should count before it ends, and along with it, the train track that is the rapid beating of my heart - not the smooth metro train, but rather the provincial one, the steady chuck chuck chuck of iron on iron. How does it end?

But you know, i'd like to believe that my breathing rises or slows down to match theirs, even when at times, the destination and the journeys it take to get there, well, goddamn take my breath away. And sometimes, it's not even in a good way, yeah. I know, it's so fucking unclear and all. But... yeah.

I know we both know that our destinations are not one and the same, and our journeys are both larger than life and ourselves and at times, harder than it looks, yeah. I know that.

Still, at this crossroad, where we're all practically in different trains headed to God knows where, i just.. hngh. Though you guys might not know this enough, i just want to assure you guys that - no wait. It's not an assurance. It's not a belief. It's just... there - that you people will never leave my mind. You people are the reason for a lot of things. And that one and a half hour away that separated us from that patch of grass, those classrooms, that little old liempuhan, that apartment or wherever place may just grow longer over time. But y'know, i find myself willing to master this train that is my being, and i find myself willing to speed it up to greet you a good morning whenever you may need me.

And besides, i have three very important words: just stations away.

30DC: Day Four

Mood: fine Now Playing: Amy, I Jack's Mannequin

What you wear to bed

What you must know about me is that i am a completely sleepy person. If i didn't know myself any better, i might've said that i'm a narcoleptic. Sadly, that isn't the case. So you'd understand if i tell you that i fall asleep in the most awkward of places, like maybe the last seat at the bus, at some park somewhere or even at the, well, toilet seat.

I guess what i wear doesn't matter. But usually my whole wardrobe consists of shorts and some ratty old shirts. So that's basically what i wear. Haha. My favorite is this shorts i wore as the football uniform and this shirt so baggy it's ridiculous.

Seriously

Mood: irritated, furious
Now Playing: none

Dad just drilled out six tiles from outside my room without covering up the crack beneath my door and the floor. The result? Cement dust from the drill blew into my room and now covers about everything inside. hngj. My beautiful orange room, which i have just cleaned not just a month ago, is now covered in what i think is an inch thick of white cement dust.

Seriously, motherfucker. What the fuck are you doing?

Stupidities

Mood: confused
Now Playing: Perfect, Boyce Avenue Cover

1. Knowing it's a mistake but doing it anyway.
2. Being too naive.
3. Convincing yourself you're satisfied when you're not.
4. Closing too hard, too soon, too quick.
5. Not knowing when to stop.
6. Blurring the boundaries.
7. Trusting someone too much.
8. Asking yourself to change, but doing nothing about it.
9. Not letting go.
10. Letting go too soon.

Pahabol: There is too much of everything.

The Anatomy of My Room, Pt II

Mood: groggy, but i've eaten already
Now Playing: Dare to Believe, Boyce Avenue

So what's all the hoo-ha about me posting pic (actual pic, mind you) about my room? Well to begin with, aside from the fact that i was incredibly bored, we must start with the fact that i am a very packey person. I tend to pack everything up. That's why cleaning is such a bitch for me because i tend to unearth so many things. I collect things like bottlecaps, candy wrappers, used wet wipes containers and a whole lot jumbo that sometimes.. hngh.

Anyway, where was I? I was rummaging through my cabinet when I found letters to myself. More of notebooks, really. I mean it was written on notebooks. And in between those pages, out slipped another piece of paper. It only had one line: "remember remember"

Hngh. Suddenly it felt as if the room folded itself, like years of forgetting have all turned on me.

Maybe that's why we hold on to things, you know? To remember shit. Because memory is faulty, and we need all of those cues to remind us how we lived back then, how much air in our lungs was. It's comforting to know that, there will always be a piece of the past to remind us how we lived by.

Yun nga lang. Sometimes i feel so suffocated. There is not a single thing in this room without memory, good or bad. Each little scratch on the furniture tells a hundred stories.

But... if you were to give me a choice between forgetting and remembering, i'd go remembering all the way. Not to say that i don't like forgetting, but isn't getting over the more proper way to deal with.. bad stuff? And for that to happen, i guess some semblance of remembering is in order. (Then dealing with it.)

And someday, all of this would be just memories too. That's why i'm pretty grateful to the past me for writing me all these letters. Don't worry future me. You'll have your turn.

But if i had my way, i'd sucker punch the 15-year old me. What, goddamnit, are you writing?

The Anatomy of My Room pt I

Mood: just woke up
Now Playing: DMB, crash into me

February

Mood: tired, but i just can't sleep
Now Playing: Marching On, One Republic

This is another long overdue post. I have yet to talk about how my year started, but as of now, what i want to focus is on my February. This is, by far, the most taxing February i have ever had the fortune to land on, and i think it has drained my reserves of qualities i never knew i had in me.

I

To start off, i believe the most apt description of my February is how my values and beliefs were all shaken apart, only for a lot of people to pick up the pieces and make it whole again. I have never taken the time to examine the quality of friendship, and it took me quite a long time to redefine my concepts of it.

Where does friendship even begin, anyway?

From my experience, it always begins with a very small step - minuscule, in my case. Then you gradually notice things about the person; like the way they tuck their hair behind their ears or the way their pinkies salute the air when they drink. Sometimes it's good to notice. Sometimes... it's not. Sometimes, you take note of things that are just enough to peel away a tiny part of your skin - and it is painful. Questions such as why, and how often has it been this week seep out of it. But then you dismiss it as something trivial and chalk it instead to friendship. Accidents happen, anyway.

However, there comes a time that there's no more skin left to peel off and it just feels so raw, and well, so damn hurting.

It took me a long time to realize this fully, but there are some things which are just too much. And getting used to it only makes things worse, because you just can't confront hurt when you're just accepting it as fact all the time.

But does this mean the end of bonds, of connections? It only builds you up and eat you inside - hurting, i mean. And from it, rises the question of whether you'll all survive this.

Normally, i would have said that i have no answer; that i'm as confused as all of you about stuff like this.

Truth is, i've changed. I guess we all have. Someone once told me the importance of belief. Most of life, really, is a big gamble. You have no assurance of anything whatsoever, and it's really dangerous to make promises that you can't keep. But that, she taught me, is when belief kicks in. She told me that we've all got to stop being cynics. Just... believe. We're all jaded, tired of waiting for better things to come that in the end, we just stopped believing that things will get better. There is no cure for this except to just believe in each other. Things like trust, faith and belief all used to just be the words in a spelling bee, or when you have to describe something totally ordinary. Now, it's a reminder of so many memories i find myself to be really fond of.

We've all got our ball, we've all got our chain. We're all moving at a snail's pace. But still. We're getting there. And we're getting there good.

30DC: Day Three

Mood:fine
Now Playing: chasing cars, snow patrol

What kind of person attracts you

It's actually a funny thing; someone just asked me this question a few nights ago. And as always, i had a hard time thinking up an answer.

Physically, the people whom i'm attracted with will ALWAYS have glasses, OR have the most amazing eyes, as if i could drown myself in them. Which, i think, i'd be most willing to, given the ability. I'm also attracted to people with amazing hair - not the kind that's styled up. But more of the just-gotten-out-of-bed style. I dig the natural look, kind of like the sort of get-up that one would pull off with a simple jeans and a button down.

But the physical attractiveness ends there. For me, I guess attraction begins in the most attractive place of all - the mind. I'm not saying i'm as deep as the ocean here, but personality wins over looks anytime. The age - old argument of personality vs looks was long decided in my head a long time ago, and i intend to live by it.

So.

The most attractive people i find are usually the ones who a) write, b) take photos, c) listen to good music, d) sleep a lot and finally, e) read. From all of these things, i guess i'm attracted most to people who i think, are like me. (That's a shocker). It takes a lot of time to find people who are practically you in so many ways, but the process is always the same: the weird gut feeling that you get when you meet a person for the very first time and go "holy crap, this one is just like me!" Cause i mean, what are the chances of finding people who are just like you?

Now THAT, my friends, is what attraction is to me. It isn't some physical judgement that you make on the basis of what goes for you. It's the realization that you can get along fabulously with this person. The realization of possibilities, just like the smell of a whole library full of books standing together, side by side for the rest of time immemorial.

Endings

Mood: weird
Now Playing: none

Ceremonies were never my thing. I dislike organized events, especially when i'm in the program. This i thought i was so sure of before i began yesterday.

The source of my conundrum was the end of the year ceremony at the college. People thought it was a mouthful to say "the end of the year ceremony" so they just called it induction, turnover and other short-sounding words. As a part of the college's milieu of organizations, i was supposed to turn over the "key of knowledge and responsibility" to my junior, an excellent pick named Umi.

It's too tiring to elaborate anything here, but let me just say this. It has been my pride to serve in this organization, no matter what everybody else says, i am so proud of my staff.

Hngh. As the ceremony ended and we all trooped back to the office, i couldn't resist looking at the gray sky.

... i still don't like ceremonies.

30DC: Day Two

Mood: weird
Now Playing: boyce avenue, dare to believe

How have you changed in the past 2 years?

The only significant thing that happened in the past two years was probably the realization that a small patch of grass could become a bed, and eight totally unrelated people could be part of something amazing.

Hmm. I guess i've changed, pretty much. I'm much taller, much... wider now than i ever used to be. But if i could choose a word for it, i'd settle for more fanciful and even more jaded.

30DC: Day One

Mood: Okay Now Playing: Lady Danville, Cars

Weird things you do when you’re alone.

Long ago, when i was still in grade school, i longed to be this amazing video game creator. My seatmate back then would encourage me, as she also wanted to play the scenario i thought up in my head. So i guess it was from that encounter that the first seeds of my video game came to fruition.

It all connects to this weird thing that i do when i'm alone. I place myself in the boots of a certain student at the Central Academy City, the only Academy in Hilde-baran that floats up in the sky. Central Academy City is one of the branches of the Government-sponsored education program, with the Archivists as the Academy's mentors. All in all, there are a total of five branches - central, northern, southern, eastern and western - situated across the provinces. In each of the branches, the students are trained to form contracts with Espers (spirits of the Endless Realm) to imbibe them within themselves or in weapons or are trained solely on the arts of marksmanship with highly technical weapons. Misfortune strikes when an unknown force attacks Central, and it is up to the students to fend for themselves in an academy up in the sky.

LOL. Haha. That's the plot anyway. Whenever i'm alone, i'd like to imagine i'm the student in question, and we're finding the mystery (the plot thickens! the government is actually the bad guy, but not entirely) behind the attacks. I won't go into the personas here, but kekekeke. xD

I do this thing where i twirl a spear (or an arnis stick or a ballpen or anything long and thin, in particular) around my fingers and imagine i am the Kraken-culling, warlord - turned - student.

Or maybe i charge up my right arm with a thousand volts of electricity and let it all loose in an acrobatic display hooks and wires charged with the voltage of a hundred cities.

Or heck, maybe i'm reciting incantations non-stop via the Book of Ages as the wheels of fate turn painfully, screwed on my back.

ANYWAY. haha. That's the general picture. Weird is in.

Games

Mood: Okay
Now Playing: Lady Danville

Being the bored bum that i am, i ventured to this site, 30daychallenges , in the hopes of alleviating my boredom and my thirst for intellectual stimulation.

Today is March 3, 2012. The challenge that caught my eye was this:

1. Weird things you do when you’re alonge.
2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?
3. What kind of person attracts you.
4. What you wear to bed.
5. 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.
6. The person you like and why you like them.
7. Your opinion on cheating on people.
8. Something you’re currently worrying about.
9. Your last kiss.
10. Your views on drugs and alcohol.
11. Your currently relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
12. Things you want to say to an ex.
13. A date you would love to go on.
14. Something disgusting you do.
15. The best things to happen to you this week.
16. 3 things you are proud of about your personality.
17. Things that make you scared.
18. Disrespecting parents.
19. Something that never fails to make you feel better.
20. The last argument you had.
21. Something you can’t seem to get over.
22. 10 things about you people don’t really expect.
23. Something you always think “what if…” about
24. Things you want to say to 5 different people.
25. 10 ways to win your heart.
26. Your religious beliefs.
27. Talk about your siblings.
28. The month you were happiest this year why.
29. A picture of yourself.
30. What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month.

Which will start next post, to make it neater i guess.

Gray Sky Evenings.

Mood: Melancholic Now Playing: The Best I've Ever Had, Vertical Horizon

It's all real, isn't it?

I think i must stop listening to Vertical Horizon. Hngh. Sakit sa puso. I don't want to leave people. Honestly, i'm not ready yet to be part of the rat race.

There's so many things left to do, anyway.

Wala pa nga, nalulungkot na ko. Man up, Ding.