Storytelling

Mood: tired
Now Playing: wedding bell, depapepe

*I'm writing this with a runny nose, a horribly aching throat, and a sword-of-damocles-kind-of-deadline.*

In my drive for self-change, self-fulfillment and whatever, i have decided to try smiling instead of using cuss words. For example, if i someone want eaten, flagellated, burned on a thin piece of bamboo pole or simply dead, i will just stand there, hold my ground, stretch my skin back and smile like there's no damn tomorrow.

And it works! Children have fainted, screaming and flailing their stupid, pathetic arms. Garbage bags have exploded. Icky green creatures have been addressing me as their "master". I am so damn cool! :)

Okay, enough with the cheap literary tricks. But, i can assure you, i will indeed practice that swear-a-smile-campaign.

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The thing about being a Daryl is the innate randomness. Call me cliche, but sorry dear stupid folks; that's how this lump of flesh was made. So i have decided to cut my sad posts to a minimum, partly in order to lessen the dread my friends feel whenever im in the room (i feel i'm like wearing this huge neon sign on my head: "SUICIDE CANDIDATE") and yeah, for self-preservation purposes too.

Another thing. I think someone said to me when i was a kid: when in doubt, get a haircut. I believe it was one of my numerous uncles or aunts or whatever that said to me this Freudian phrase. As to why or how this may came to be, i have no idea.

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So last Saturday, i was damn ill. As in seriously ill. My temperature kept skyrocketing up to 40 degrees then ballooning gently down to 37. After a few more hours, i'd skyrocket up to 40 degrees again. Then down to 37. Then 40. Then 37. Then 40.Then... anyway. You get the picture. At first, i was damn afraid. Swine flu scared the shit out of me. "What if i infect the whole damn school?" I could just imagine the look of my tombstone; "Here lies Daryl, the stupid kid with the stupid swine flu".

Great.

But, as it turns out, i don't have the flu after all. Don't ask me exactly what this is, i just call it cough-runny-nose-combo. Yeah.

It's weird when you're sick, by the way. As i laid on my back, i kept fantasizing about the different ways to die. Wait, come back! This is not an emo post, i assure you.

So aun, anyway. Ways to die.

Scenario no.1 involved me falling down a staircase and my head just did a flying saucer leap before finally landing at my feet.

Scenario no.2 involved me accidentally stopping my breath (yeah, i know. HOW DOES ONE ACCIDENTALLY STOP ONE'S BREATH?)

and many more galore.

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So last night, as i staggered away from the bathroom after tooth brushing for the nth time, my aunt offered me a massage. I shrugged. Why not?

What happened after defies explanation as my aunt literally mashed my body - my pressure points - and the odd thing is, it was damn working.

Turns out, there are like points everywhere on the body where body stress sort of accumulates. (Notice how carefully i use the words "like" and "sort of"; i have no solid idea) And it's not exactly obvious, too; pinch the tendons in the shoulders, and that's the point for coughs. Pinch the space between the index and thumb finger, that's the point for when you have a stomach ache. Pinch the space behind the eyes... wait, what?

So for the next hour and a half, my body was bagang! kazaang! kapow! and i swear, my temperature went down to 36, and stayed there until morning. cooly!

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and to rb and papaya, thanks guys. ye really helped. swear. although i read your comments a bit late(okay, damn late), comments like that help people get through murky waters. By the way, did you guys know that i also accept money donations? xP pwahahaha. But yeah. Seriously, thanks guys.

Water, Rising

Mood: none
Now Playing: the submarines brighter discontent

I've gotten melancholic over these past days, and i think i've inherited it from my past self. Which is weird, as i thought i had already forgiven myself for a lot of things. And it's nothing short of depressing. It's not even funny anymore. Remember when the tv stations labeled us Filipinos as "warm and smiling" people? Well, here's my two cents concerning that: DIE. We aren't bulletproof. We stumble and fumble and die and fuck up. And sometimes, we can't even stand the fug up.

Last night, i purposely left university at a little around 6 to catch the rush hour. Why? Well because traffic is strangely therapeutic, i swear. If you have breached the barrier of sanity, that is.

So anyway, I was expecting the traffic to be horrendously clogged and all that shit, what with all the flood around. But i was wrong; it was perfectly smooth sailing, with traffic only surfacing at around NAIA road. Damn. Thanks to that, i got home a little earlier than expected. askdjsakld.

So while i was freezing in the backseat, i whipped out my cellphone and looked at the drafts of the shit i have saved.

1
While i was spending time trying to tune out the world, the girls behind me were talking about how hot Girl A is, or how firm Boy B's buttocks were. Neyo was mentioned; if he was to sing in front of her, she would immediately strip. "Hubaran na to!"

2
Filipinos have this secret form of communication - we wiggle our eyebrows. It's how we greet people. The trouble is when it's all we do; we wiggle without even ever opening our mouths.

There's a lot more, but i won't go into that. Suffice to say there are times when one needs to shut up in order to believe.

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My friends tell me im going insane. Maybe i am. Maybe im not. Rb calls it ironic - a psychologist going insane. Turns out we can't help ourselves after all. Or then again, i should rephrase. Turns out, i can't help myself after all

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I feel like ive been fooling around for too long. But whenever i try to make a 180 degree turn, i'm faced with a brick wall i can't pass. Maybe there really are sins which are too indelible to wash away, after all.

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Damn it. Just this last night i was reading all of my past posts, and almost 50% of them were about the shit i've been facing. Damn it, i need a new life. Maybe if i ask real hard enough, He'll give me a new one.

I sure hope so.

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Gumawa na naman ako ng panibagong blog.

Lokohan

Ang mga nakalipas na araw ay... puno ng kamalasan. Isang makasariling obserbasyon, oo. Ngunit sa muling pagtanaw ko sa mga nagawa ko sa unang tatlong araw ng semestre, maipipinta ko ang Kamalasan gamit ang mga letra ng aking pangalan.

Siguro naman hindi ko na kailangan ilagay pa dito ang mga nangyari sa akin, sapagkat napapagtanto ko na mapupuno ko ang higit sa kalahati ng pahinang ito. Sapat na na malaman na tuloy-tuloy ang pagbuhos ang kamalasan sa akin. Ilang beses na akong muntik masagasaan, matapilok, mabunggo, matawag ng wala sa oras - lahat ng iyon sa tatlong araw pa lamang! Tangina naman oh. Partida pa at wala pang biyernes, na kung saan hanggng ika-pito ng gabi ang klase.

Ilang beses ng sumagi sa isipan ko na ako'y pinaparusahan lamang ng Maykapal. Alam ko, napaka Lumang Tipan ang ganitong pag-iisip, ngunit hindi maiiwasan, pagkat parang buong galit ng santinakban ang naibuhos sa akin. Kung iisipin, sadya nga namang karapat-dapat ako sa kamalasang ito, kung kaparusahan ang pag-uusapan. Hindi ako santo; ilang beses na akong nagmumura, nagnanakaw, naggagalit ngunit hindi nagpapatawad,at kung anu-ano pa. Kung titingnan ito sa ganitong pananaw, karapat-dapat nga naman na pagbayaran ko ang mga mali kong nagawa.

Tinanggap ko ito, noong una. Ang sabi ko sa sarili ko, dapat lamang to, huwag ka magreklamo, kasalanan mo to. Ngunit ngayon, ang mga tuhod kong tumakbo at mga kamay kong nakasarado ay nanginginig na; hindi lamang sa takot at pangamba kundi pati na rin sa hiya. Ilang beses na akong yumuyuko at humihingi ng tawad, pero ni wala pang isang linggo ang lilipas at magkakasala na naman ako - biglang magmumura, maiinis, magagalit. Pilit akong nagmamalinis at maghuhugas ng kamay ngunit sa bandang huli ay tumutubo ulit ang mga sungay ko. Masyadong matapang ang amoy ng kasalanan. Sa katunayan, kani-kanina lang, nagmura na naman ako. Hay.

Dumaan sa isip ko minsan. Paano kung mas natuto akong gumanti at lumaban at pumatay at magmura at magpairal ng kalapastanganan? Iba ang landas na tatahakin ko, panigurado. Siguradong wala ako ngayon sa ganitong sitwasyon. Pero aun. Hindi maiiwasan itanong : "paano kung ang landas na yun ang dapat na landas ko?"

Sa totoo lang, minsan na ding dumaan sa isip ko ang tumakas na lamang at wakasan ang ilang mga bagay-bagay. Napakadali lang naman kasi mag-isip at magplano ng mga pagwakas. Kay dali lang eh. Wala naman akong pagmamay-ari na maipagmamalaki kaya hindi problema ang huli kong mga habilin. Ang pagkakatanda ko pa, pensyonado ako kapag ako ay pinatay. E di kung ganoon din naman pala, eh di sana namatay na lang ako. Nakatulong pa ako sa mga magulang kong pangit.

Subalit ang konsensya ko ang lumiligtas, at sa parehong pagkakataon, ang pumipigil sa akin sa twina'y ito'y nababatid. Aminin mo, alam ng damdamin mo ang totoo sa mali, ang masama sa mabuti. Malas ko nga lang at tila makulit ang konsensya ko at takot magkamali. Masyadong takot. Duwag at mahina at walang kwenta. Nakakainis. Sana pala wala na lang akong konsensya. Sa gayon, hindi ako mag-aalinlangan. Hindi ako madudumihan sa sarili ko at maglalakad ako ng tuwid at nakatingala.

Simple lang naman ang gusto ko.

Ay mali pala. Wala na nga palang simple sa mundong ito.

Not Making Sense

Mood: so and so
Now Playing: the con, tegan and sara

One of the greatest annoyances ever is when you're lined up in FAST FOOD ESTABLISHMENT and the people in front just keeeeeeeep on daaaaaaaaaaawdling. What the fuck is that? I came to eat in a FAST FOOD RESTAURANT to get some, well, fast food. And then they make me wait? Fuck. Even worse is when the people in front AND the cashier is in goody two shoes mode - they actually have the nerves to strike up a conversation!

Why do i RAGE like this? Just this evening, i was standing at a KFC at an SM near the house. Starving, wet, and angry to boot, i figured that the chicken steak would be the easiest to cook. I mean, how hard it would be to re-fry some pre-prepared fried chicken strips and smother them with gravy?

Turns out, it must have been pretty pretty hard. I had to wait for a thousand fucking years just to get my plate. No kid. I was actually thinking of suing them for wasting a couple of good minutes of my life away. Damn it.

Being the good guy i was, i bit back my retort and stumbled back to my chair and began consuming my purchases. After a few minutes, i ran out of rice, so i got up and walked to the counter and kabooom. There was this huge line, filled with those nasty, overly motherly type of women and their gremlins - excuse me - their kids. Accompanying them were accompanied by their husbands, who all looked like they listened to some satanic devil metal. FUCKSHIT.

And that was how i spent my evening.

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I just thought of something. What if everyday, people wake up and see the day as the first day they have ever lived? What would happen then? I mean, a lot of my friends and teachers tell me in a superior, almost nonchalant way, carpe diem, or "sieze the day".

Maybe people would be better people then. I mean, they're living life to the fullest, aren't they? Then... i dunno.

But then again, it would be like removing the limitations in this life, won't it? People would start believing they could fly and jump of a building. Im guessing population would suddenly explode; sex would be regarded as another step to "seize the day" and love confessions will suddenly swell. Im guessing Hallmark cards would have a ball - IF there are still jobs and people left to tend to it. I mean, they'd all be out there "living life to the fullest" won't they?

I dunno if im making sense. Will edit this later, if i get to it.

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I wish people have this Reset button on their foreheads. That way, i'd trigger mine almost a few hundred time each day and reset my life all over again. If that was the case, i'd be fucking Bill Gates by now.

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The muscles of the heart are one of the strongest muscles in the human body. I say this with all the ignorance of a psych major who is yet to understand the intricacies of the human body, and without the aid of any supplementary materials.

However i say this in full confidence. Why? Because if the heart muscles were weak, then i'm saying it right now - i should have been dead a few minutes ago. No, a few days ago.

May all of us never stand alone.

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Im starting to like covers. Here's two channels i frequent, as their voices are so damn amazing.
Talktothewalls
Tricia025
Lol. I sound like an endorser.

Steam

Mood: discovered something shit
Now Playing: london, TWLOHA.

I miss my glasses. They snapped into two during the galera trip and i had to spend the entire 4-5 hour trip without my glasses. I slipped, stumbled, fell, bumped, flung myself upon every conceivable object. Going to the pier bathroom was the worst - i bumped into about 5 guys in there. Fuck, the last one even had a damn leather jacket on, and it was in the middle of summer. How could he last like that?

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I've been attaching names to a lot of inanimate objects right now. For example, have you met Sophie, the laptop or Elizabeth, the iPod? I dunno. I read somewhere that objects (and this applies to real people, as people per se are objects also) take on the characteristic of their given name. We namers impart some of what we want to see on the ones to be named by giving them names. So for instance, if i take my name..

Daryl - is English in origin, and means "one who is greatly loved"

and

Kane - is Gaelic and means "the one who is a warrior". It also means "beautiful" in Welsh.

So, combining the two words together, we get Daryl Kane, the beautiful warrior who is greatly loved.

Now if you excuse me for a while as i go apply for a fucking name change.

Source
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I've been hearing all day about this "ako mismo" hype or the independence day hype or whatever hype the tv companies are calling it. Frankly, i don't get why they have to advertise it SO damn much or make a big fuss out of. In my opinion, it goes against what they're going for in the first place - they're saying change must start within us, we must start the revolution, pinoys are cool yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah i get that, i dig that. But change isn't going to come to people just because you flooded them with ads or corny music vids that frankly only rile up the people for a second. Change comes from seeing results, from concrete programs, from solid foundations, and that inspires the people into action, into doing something.

Also, as i see it, there is little difference between what we're doing today with some politicians' acts come election time - the ones who sing, dance and invite bands for "change". That so called "change" is meaningless and should be thrown in the trash. Said politicians must also be banned from the elections. If, as a candidate, one underestimates the worth of one's people by bombarding them with entertainment - singing, dancing - all done for the sake of capturing the masses' attention, then i recommend that the politician be banned from the elections AND all toilet privileges for a year. Hold your own damn shit inside your damn body man. Keep it all to yourself.

Don't get me wrong, i love being free as the next pinoy out there, and i love celebrating it the way a lot of mindless drones do. But i'm tired, okay. All this red tape and forgotten lies (remember the i am sorry incident? whatever happened to that?) shit - it's just so repetitive. Im dog tired. Im going for change, that's for sure. But i sure as hell won't wear it on my chest for crying out loud.

Change should come from one's own volition, and as i observe it, people are just joining the cause for the heck of it. I mean, who wouldn't when it's all you see in the tv nowadays? Change without substance is meaningless, and fadism is just a damn fallacious belief - it isn't logical.

But still. Dum spiro, spero. While i breathe, i hope.

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I bumped into a chair again, and it hit me across the chest. And partida, naka salamin na ako niyan. ARGG.

Starpost

Mood: shaken to the very core.
Now Playing: none

There's this book ive been wanting to read since day one, and it was only so recently that my sister reminded me of ACTUALLY reading it; she already has a damn copy of Jerry Spinelli's Stargirl, fresh from Fully Booked.

Being the haughty, avaricious and greedy (yes, i know it's somehow redundant, but that's who - excuse me - what she really is) sister she is, i downloaded a copy of Stargirl and it floored me. FLOOORED me, damn it. Me, the one who got through the Twilight series and never looked back. Me, the stubborn wannabe stoic. Me, the one who kicked a damn door and left a damn dent i had to fix afterwards. It floooored me, ladies and gents. It cut open my damn reservoir of emotions and flung it open.

Anyway, the story goes like this. There's this guy who falls in love with the transfer student who goes by the name Stargirl. Stargirl is no ordinary person as she does everything that deviates from normal - she gives people get-well cards, happy birthday songs and little gifts, even to total strangers. She's just like that. She's quick to notice when other people are feeling bad, but she has no regards to her well-being whatsoever; she's like an entity that only allows kindness to flow out. At first, people thought of it as cute and charming, but when they get tired of her deviations, they shun her and keep her out. No one talks to her, no one notices her, no one even acknowledges her presence. Y'know, the classics.

So anyway, Stargirl has this "happy wagon", where she places a pebble inside if she's feeling happy, and where she takes out a pebble if she's not. Now normally, there's only an average of about 9-10 pebbles inside, with 20 pebbles all in all. And then one night after inviting the guy over, she shows him her room, her family and then they spend the rest of the evening out in the sidewalk, talking.

"Sounds like you're saying i'm obsessed with other people. Is that it?"

Maybe it was the angle, but her fawn's eyes, looking up at me, seemed larger than ever. I had to make an effort to keep my balance lest i fall into them. "You're different," i said "that's for sure"

She batted her eyelids and gave me a flirty grin. "Don't you like different?"

"Sure i do," I said, maybe a little too quickly.

A look of sudden discovery brightened her face. She reached out with her foot and tapped my sneaker. "I know what you're problem is."

"Really?" I said. "What?"

"You're jealous. You're upset because im paying all this attention to other people and not enough to you."

"Right," I sniffed. "I'm jealous of Peter Sinkowitz."

She stood. "You just want me all by yourself, don't you?" She stepped into my space. The tips of our noses were touching. "Don't you, Mr. Leo?" Her arms were around my neck.

We were on the sidewalk in front of her house, in full view. "What are you doing?" I said.

"Im giving you some attention," she cooed. "Don't you want some attention?"

I was losing my battle for balance.

"I don't know," I heard myself say.

"You're really dumb," she whispered in my ear.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Why do you think there's eighteen pebbles in my wagon?" And then the last remaining space between our noses was gone, and i was falling headlong into her eyes, right there on Palo Verde after dinner.

I dunno if it gets to you the way it got to me, but hot damn. Something came undone inside me after i read those lines. It was like someone got this huge ass scissors and cut open my damn heartstrings and rearranged them together again. And arggh, it also got me wishing for a stargirl of my own. She'll be radiant and... and.. and..

Fuck ye, Jerry Spinelli.

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I don't want to be a spoiler (they don't get together in the end, fuckfuckfuck FUCK!) so maybe you should drop whatever you're doing right now and run to the nearest Powerbooks, Fully Booked or whatever bookshop you frequent and demand a copy of Stargirl. If they don't have it in that branch, call the manager and demand that they ship it over ASAP. Then run to the next bookstore or branch and repeat.

Or, http://www.4shared.com/file/78005158/2d602379/Stargirl.html.

There's this sequel too, entitle Love, Stargirl, and also a movie coming out this 2009. I swear to God i will watch it on the bigscreen, and then run screaming to quiapo or an astrovision and buy a dvd copy of it.

Now if you'll excuse me, i need to get my heart out of the blender.

Great Weather

Mood: nothing
Now Playing: swimming pool, the submarines

It's official - i have been taken in by the band the submarines. I dunno. Maybe it's their song swimming pool's lyrics - And all we ever want is to be loved / whether sun or stars above / all our trouble all our toil / is towards no greater earthly goal, or the fact that they're the perfect song to go by in this great weather.

So aun. I said in my last post that i'll be going out of town for a few days. It's actually for a TBA in Bluerose Batangas. But sadly, it didn't push through. It's a long and sad story, so to make it short, let's just say that the Dean didn't allow us to venture forth for the sake of all our necks.

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Instead of going to Batangas, we went instead on a road-trip of sorts to get those who managed to wade through the rain back home. It's actually sort of fun and strangely therapeutic really; sitting idly in a car, pretty cozy with your jacket and people around, while the outside was battered by rain droplets the size of bullets.

It was also pretty eerie. I mean, the whole outside was blanketed in this thick cover of rain, which strangely looked like metal imbued with cloth. Like i said, it was strangely therapeutic. I actually feel like i am a changed man!

LOL.

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Damned Baby Steps

Mood: okay
Now Playing: brightest hour, the submarines

I enrolled my ass today. It was sort of funny; there weren't a lot of people AT ALL. My whole travel time actually took much longer than the enrollment procedure itself. Pwahahaha. Then again, i enrolled a day earlier than i was supposed to, but anyway. Pwahahaha.

So my schedule looks like shit. Do not let me explain it, as i will probably sink deeper in the pits of sin.

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Today, i will pray for someone, and hope that she'll be okay, wherever the damn winds sweep her feet. Yuuch, blech. Im so cheesy i should start a fucking cheese factory.

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Im going out of town for a few days. No, i am not declaring hiatus. I just have something to do, and i want to do it right this year.

One of Those Posts

Mood: so-so
Now Playing: nothing, by duh, nothing.

I think i speak for a lot of us when i say i hate the feeling of forced pleasantries in the church. You get? It's like you meet someone in front of a church as you go in. Instantly, sparks fly in everywhere - you feel a familiar feeling. It is steamy, red, passionate anger, and it is directed to that god-forsaken being you are currently locking your eyes on. From the expression painted on his/her face, you are utterly convinced that he/she feels the same steamy, red, passionate way about you too.

Then you guys realize that your are, in fact, in front of the church,so that when your paths do cross as you enter and he/she leaves, you guys smile and ask how the other is doing, when it really translates into "i wanna fart upon your nose and kill you with the stench."

That's what i hate. I dunno.It just sort of feels... ridiculous. You must know that there are times when i absolutely hate being with people. When im in that particular mood, poke me with a ten meter stick and i'll just brush it off as nothing. But touch me or even - god forbid - strike a meaningless conversation (let's say, the weather)....asjdakldjaskld. ARGG. qsdadjasldjasldjasl.

I mean, come off it. Who in their right mind would talk about the goddamn weather?

I dunno how i developed this antisocial side to my damn persona. Heck, i don't even know what my god damned persona really is. But rest assured that it is not pretty, and it is not like the commercials that those damn toothpaste commercials play. It is gritty. It is dirty. It is sinf

Damn it.

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You don't know how scary it is to switch attitudes. It's like one minute, i was ranting non-stop about how i hate forced pleasantries, and the next, i was typing in about my persona when suddenly i effing STOPPED in mid-type. I read through my post again and experienced a fear so primordial, it's not even funny. Damn it, i fear myself.

Forgive me for noticing, but i have this annoying and neurotic habit of fluently remembering and - heaven forbid - analyzing the most insignificant of things.

Y'see, it's like last month, i was this guy who believed in the universe and it's intricacies and welcomed every god damn thought it threw my way. Now, i have developed a budding anti-social side that is just eating away at my insides and tearing up my mind. Science tells me that is all hormonal; it's completely safe, it's a part of adolescence, blahblahblah, so don't worry a thing about it.

But.. damn it. This is real, you know. It's not just some textbook question one could answer with two or three well-phrased sentences from the book. This is happening right fucking now. I want answers, and i want them chopped, arranged and served beautifully on a damn silver plate with coffee and fruits on the side.

But life isn't like that,isn't it? It spits and spats and laughs at your amazement.

Is this what they call adolescence? Is this what they call growing up? And upon realizing the answers to all of that, what could i sa - hell. What could WE say? Accept the changes happily ever after? Start a revolt? A movement? A century?

Is this the goddamn price to pay for maturity, our sanity? Cause if it is, then maybe a lot of us should take a step back and gather up the pieces we have lost along the way.

Fuck. I have a lot of things to pick up, it seems.

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