Thursday, January 22, 2009

Say Hello To Tomorrow


Mood: tired.
Now Playing: some you give away, la rocca.


I'm just so tired. I haven't been sleeping well (or to put it more accurately, i haven't been sleeping at all) these days, it's funny. It's like im in this perpetual drunken state; the only difference is there still this air of loneliness in the morning. Being drunk numbs your senses and twists your insides. Being tired... it only makes the hunger stronger.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

How I Spent My Week, part 2.


Mood: sleepy.
Now Playing: Cherub Rock, Smashing Pumpkins.


part 1.
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Thursday.

Today was Theology and Logic. When the proctor handed me the test paper, i was like this since the first four pages contained 90 questions, all with the same format: Number. Question. ________________ So shet. I think we were all wearing this face as we leafed through the test papers. I contemplated eating my paper to cause chaos. In that confusion, i would hostage the proctor and demand the answers.

It's a good thing i didn't, since page 5 was like the answer key - it contained our salvation, thank goodness. It turns out that we were supposed to write the letter of our answers as it corresponded with the answer key Thank God.

Logic. OMFG. Another lolzwut moment. I didn't study for this test, since i turned it down in favor for a couple of hours studying theology (THAT and i fell asleep in the middle of studying theo, haha). It was like i was trying to lick my elbow.

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We met up after the test, the sounds people. We were supposed to have a meeting, but there was a consensus. We then agreed, after a minute's consideration, to hold a ym meeting at 5:30 later that afternoon.

Fast forward. I OL'd a little after 5:40; i was held up by my psychotic bro screaming curses at me. :| When i OL'd, i found only Ray. I thought, well yeah, let's give the others a few minutes.

It was a little after 6 pm. Ray still had another test the next day. There were still no signs from the other two.

I began to panic. Ray came up with the idea to make our own edited versions of the song and i sho-shotgun na lang tomorrow as to whose version would be cleaner. She'll be using Adobe Audition, me with the ever battered windows movie maker.

Later that evening, Camille OL'd. Yeah. :)) After relaying all of the events that happened, she set out to work editing. And she also has RA3 installed on her pc, so that makes her the queen of cool.

Still later that evening, Nichola sent me a message. She had been held up by her Church meetings(astig.\m/), so aun. Can't argue with the Church, can i? After relaying all of the events that happened, she set out editing, too.

Let me tell you how my editing went. It's as easy as walking along the sidewalk; if the said sidewalk was covered in thorns and venom. You won't believe how infuriating it is, cutting a song into pieces, mixing the pieces together, making sure the timing is right... GRAAH.

We finished at around 12. Or was it 2? It comes to no surprise that by the time i finished, i was zombified. I looked like i was a demented fan of Evanescence.

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Friday.

I started my Friday with a sandwich in my mouth, a cup coffee in my hand, and a medkit in another. I would have used my feet to operate my fone, but that would be impossible. Besides, even my hands could do nothing against the influx of messages i was receiving, both important and not important.

And oh. Special thanks go to Camille for helping me burn the song on such short notice. You rock. :D

Today's plan was simple. The dactors(actors+dancers, lol) were practicing at Nikki's house, along with a handful of staff(the sounds,lights, costumes and props), while the rest of the staff were staying at UST to help the props finish their mountain of work. I was part of group b, so at around seven thirty(or was it 8? hmm.), i set out for UST.

Which was a big mistake, i should have set out for UST earlier. Traffic was horrible, it was like there was no government invented. And the train! ZOMG, the train! Posible palang mag traffic sa LRT.

By the time i was nearing uste, i thought i was the last one to arrive. I convinced myself to shell out thirty pesos for a trike ride from the station to school. Wincing, i handed over the money, all the while thinking curses and various torture things to do to the avaricious driver.

Which was a big mistake.
AGAIN. When i reached the designated place, kabooyah. I saw only a handful of people gathered around. WTF. I felt like ripping my guts out and flinging it on the ground

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After much ado, we settled down in two of the little pavilions inside the main building. All in all, there were, i think, 12 staffers that worked that Friday. Thankfully, we managed to finish this badass book. Astig. I feel like we deserve an island each or something.

And oh. Someone said that someone drank something. All i can i say is.. ewww. WTF man. WTF.

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I got home at around 5 pm, i think. Yawn. Then i received Cheek's text. Gawd. If you're reading this, you owe me bigtime.

And that's how i spent my week.

How I Spent My Week, part 1.


Mood: Melancholic
Now Playing: I'm Always Where I Need to Be(acoustic), The Kooks


Last week has been unforgiving. People have asked me as to why i have this permafrown stamped on my face, and i just smile and curse from the inside. It's prelim week, damn it.

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Sunday.
I was still reeling from a severe hangover i acquired the day before; a friend came over with a bottle of alcohol in one hand, a girl in another. And, due to reasons which will go unexplained, i have achieved a very startling resemblance to a zombie. I felt like somebody was strangling the guts out of me.

So there. I was swaying sideways as i tried my damnedest to read and understand the ppt on B.F. Skinner, a great psychologist advocating behaviorism, and was dozing off every ten seconds as i bullied my brain into understanding my biopsychology textbook, which the professor did not even teach.

I was passing out at around 2 am.

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Monday.

Just like Tan in This Post, I woke up pretty late and got to school ten minutes after the start of the test. It's a good thing that a miracle happened and i managed to flag an incoming fx. Any minute later and i would be in deep, deep shit.
So aun. I was coming up the college stairs, trying to catch my wind, when i saw the people inside the room were already in the "Bowed-Head-State", indicating that they meant serious business. I looked up my mental dictionary, prayed hard to God Almighty and entered the blizzard of a classroom.

I dunno if it was an omen or something, but there were no more seats left. The proctor asked us to get some seats from the nearby classroom, which we(yes, we.) did at once, not wishing to get any more late as it is. I distinctly remember Pete, Ray and some other guys from different sections knocking on other class doors.

I was in the process of falling asleep when i heard the doors open, and in comes Shan. Lol. There were no more seats left,(duh) so out she trudges again. I imagined her knocking on the class doors as we did, asking for seats.

A few minutes before the end of the first test, and in comes Nico. Kabooyah. I remember hearing the screams and heavy distorted guitars from his silver ipod. Yes. It was that loud. To illustrate, i was sitting near the wall, on the far left side of the room, and he was at the door, at the far right side. Again, lol.

For the next two hours, i was taking my biopsych and TOL test. God knows what i was doing in those two hours, cause i sure as hell have no plans of reliving it. Yet.

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Tuesday.

Eng and Fil. English was... i dunno. I didn't study for this one, so i don't have high hopes. Ugh, how did English became the modern language, anyway?

Aside. People back in highschool called me an english nut just cause i was part of the paper and the irresponsible pres of the invisible(not invincible english club.) And every single time they do that, i deny all accusations and hold up the white flag. I mean, i just happen to be dreadfully lucky - it's either i read the story beforehand, or someone from the other sections tipped me off or something.

Where was I. Aun. Fil wasn't bad. Too bad. At least it only covered chapter three, which was effing massive. I got lucky since i managed to photocopy the readings for chapter 3.9, which made up a large part of the test.

Lucky.


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Wednesday.

Phil hist and Human Development.

Don't get me wrong; I love my country. It just escapes me as to why the hell do i have to know the names of the freaking governor-generals that wiped their asses on our beloved soil.

It's a good thing my class is part of this university-wide theater competition. My professor is a real badass when it comes to giving out pluses, so aun. Happy. Yeah, im terrified out of my mind at the prospect of facing other colleges, but i'm also honored y'know. It takes a lot of guts to swallow in all of that responsibility, and i'm pretty glad to know that there are a lot of guys in class that are just that - responsible.

Human development. Hrrm. I got lucky again and managed to read the chapter in the book my professor crammed in a powerpoint. But i guess everything runs out; she included a chapter which i do not have the slightest inkling about. What do i know about pregnancy?

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I think it was also today that Donnabelz, the director of the aforementioned university wide theater / competition / big part of grade, called the sounds team to begin the preliminary editing of the major song piece, Yugto, by Rico Blanco.

Composing the sounds team are the coolest people i've ever met - Ray, Camille and Nichola. Plus yours truly, and we've got four people to do such a simple sounding task; to edit the songs the dancers and actors will use in the play.

After the test, we found ourselves a table at the quadri park and set to work on Ray's laptop; setting the parts that needed editing. At first i thought editing was easy. Then i changed my mind. It is infuriating to pause the song at EXACTLY the right moment to cut it. GRaaah. You should have seen our faces.

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PART 2.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Cough and Colds May Break my Bones...


Mood: sleepy and hungry.
Currently listening to: For You I Will, Teddy Geiger


Today was like STRESS DAY. Let me tell you the first thing i did when the clock struck twelve; NOTHING. Let me note that studying is not really a part of my behavior; it's just that this week is prelims week, and like everybody else, i am fitting in some last minute cramming sessions into my overworked brain.

Around 1 am, my eyelids felt like they've just finished a marathon. Around 2, i was slumped face-down on my desk, my notes doing some weird enactment of falling snow. Too bad there was no beauty in that, though. It was just good old Pain. I was not amused.

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I managed to ride an FX at around 6, which is a miracle in itself, as FXs miraculously disappear like shit whenever the sun rises here in Paranaque.

I passed my fare, took out a crumpled reviewer reluctantly, and fell asleep almost instantaneously. I vaguely remember dreaming a bit, but that's just me.

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The test was very... existentialistic. I felt myself sinking into the bowels of despair(naks, bowels of despair!). No, srsly. I was not amused. Imagine searching for a needle in a stack of photocopied readings. That pretty much sums up my biopsy test. Sigh, the professor never really gave us anything save his weird and recollection-ish experiences.

So aun. If biopsy was like searching for a needle in a stack of photocopied readings, TOL was like searching for the holy grail or something. Argh. I remember freezing my ass of in my seat, willing myself to read the mind of the person in front of me. Then i remember relaxing, before willing myself to read the mind of the person in front of me. AGAIN.

What hurts more is the fact that the things i stayed up late for only popped up occasionally, like small farts inside a big room. What made up the most of the test was the crumpled reviewer i reluctantly opened up during the morning fx. (see the 2nd division of this post)

Oh, joy. Ugh.

I'm reading my Fil notes, and again, i am not amused. :|

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I am reminded of a line from one of the HP books. Dumbledore notices Harry's look of pity for the thing that was once a part of Voldemort's soul. He says to him in one of the greatest lines, i think, from the series: "Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and above all, those who live without love."

*shivers* It's gotten so cold, don't you think?

Friday, January 9, 2009

The Things I Have Saved

Let me get this straight. Whenever i am asked if i believe in this... something, i always say that i want to believe. I guess it's because of the fact that i always like a lot of people, so i'm not really sure if im feeling the sparks that poems, songs, books and paintings say(or maybe i have forgotten; it's been years). Once or twice, it feels like i'm watching the fireworks in my soul; the fireworks that light up the sky and everything beneath it, overshadowing the stars in their brightness.

But, as like what i've quoted from vince's life some posts ago, the fireworks inevitably end, and i am left wondering. And in that state... sigh. :| People make mistakes, true. But in my case, i fail miserably.

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I talk too much, damnit.

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I remember writing stuff in used notebooks. I used to label them with titles like "journal" and "my diary", that sort of stuff. I was gripped by the then romantic notion of writing every night with a lamp, expelling the deeds i have done throughout the day to a non-living thing.

I stopped labeling them when i reached highschool, and stopped writing in used notebooks altogether during my third year. I bought notebooks instead. It was cheaper; i kept using my present notebooks.

And now that i have a password-protected laptop, writing - excuse me - typing has never been easier. It amazes me when i realize how much i can say, seriously. Considering how much i fumble my words in real life, it's like a miracle.

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Sigh


Mood: blank.
Currently listening to: breakeven, the script.


like cards, we are played


i remember the things i have said and done, and it sort of piles up. i feel weird. i feel sick. i want to throw up and eject some of it out.


and like cards, we are thrown.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

And the Mixtape Plays in the Background


Mood: nervous
Currently listening to: sour cherry, the kills


When i woke up this morning(when i say morning, i say around 9 am), i found the whole living room a mess - the desktop drawers overturned. That signals only one thing - cleaning. AGAIN. Great.

I drag my body upstairs, start the newly downloaded Guitar Hero III and try my best to play on the keyboard. By the time i finished the game on easy(eff yeah, easy), it was late afternoon and the clutter that decorated the living room was gone.

There was this CD playing, and it contained all of the limewired songs from my junior year. Scanning the contents, i felt a weird sense of nostalgia.

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Classes resume tomorrow. I can't say i'm looking forward to it now, and that's saying something. I like my university; it sort of means a lot.

It's funny, i have never felt so weak, but at the same time, so effing strong hopeful.

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One of the things i told myself at the start of the New Year was that i'd swear to be brave. Bravery. It sounds real neat when we say it out loud, but it stings when you know it's not that easy.

But i will try. That's what petty humans like us do.

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And, i also found this old picture of Chubby doing the thing he does best - being himself. This pic was taken some time before we went to the vet; i can tell that since he does not have his blue collar yet. Click to enlarge.

I miss my dog. There's nothing besides the sound of stupid tv showbiz hosts dissing showbiz stars to disrupt me anymore.

People say death is morbidly romantic, like a black rose in the moonlight. I beg to differ.
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Friday, January 2, 2009

New Year's and The Things I Should Have Said To 2008


Mood: UH.
Currently listening to: anatomy, anarbor.


Although it's probably a gazillion days after new year's, i'd still like to greet everyone a very happy new year.

So aun. Everyone's been bugging me about my new year's resolution, you'd think i killed a president this year or something. Okay, i'm not a saint, but i'm not a sinner either. Wait, let me rephrase. I'm a saint, and i'm a sinner also. I'm generally not a happy person; i lie, swear and lie some more. But i believe that no matter how warped up i am, that doesn't mean God doesn't love me. Yeah. And i love Him for that.

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2k8 was a pretty... pretty year, rofl. I guess i'll remember this year more strongly than the other 2k years, since this year marks my graduation - OUR graduation - and i feel that that event merits a lot of space in the old gray matter.

I sort of miss high school. But, as i said in this post, i will not say i miss everyone. So scratch that.

But it effing stings, y'know. When i look back and see how peaceful i led my life back then, how sure i was of the path i was taking... it effing stings.

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This year also marks the days i wake up at 4 in the freaking morning, drag my carcass to the bathroom, fix myself up, wolf down breakfast and bolt through the door to ride an fx, a rarity here in paranaque.

I kind of like those days. They make you feel like you're the action hero in a badly produced Japanese movie. When i wake up and i feel exactly like that, i feel a bit of excitement as to what the day has in store. Yeah. I feel.. great.

Then i go to school.

College is, no matter what they tell you, a piece of heaven and hell swirled in a giant-sized,freaking third world, industrial blender.

For one thing, it's a real joy to have things go by your way. For another, it's a pain in the arse to follow it through - the things that go your way. And when i say follow it through, i mean until the end, regardless of how freaked up it goes. Regardless of how fucked up it twists.

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Responsibility. I sure as hell hope that the guy who invented the word is some neatly dug grave out there, clutching a Nobel Prize as insects crawl over the bones.

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I guess i learned a lot of abstract things this year. Er, not exactly abstract, but.. o well. To enumerate,

1. I learned to never ride an fx without a signboard.
2. Never ever ride an fx without a signboard.
3. UST is a bitch. A freaking mother-hen type of bitch.
4. If UST is a bitch, then life is a bitch with fangs on.
5. Highschool never ends.
6. Friends, regardless of when, where and how you picked them, are not forever. They last longer than that.
7. There are other ways of writing. Personally, i like the informal tone.
8. The Twilight movie sucked. (runs for cover)
9. If a=x, and b=x, then a=b. Math can be applied to people, too.
10. Failing, no matter how much they sprinkle it with sugar and comfort, still effing SUCKS.
11. It doesn't help to know that more than half of the class failed, it only makes you feel bad that a lot of people suffered the same fate.
12. Theology 101 is values education. Biopsychology is...
13. Highschool only feels hard when you're right smack in the middle of it. I'm betting college would feel the same too.
14. The internet is a scary place.
15. The outside world is pretty scary also, but it is where friends and family are, so it pretty much rocks out.

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There is a manga, called Franken Fran which is a disturbing (read:DISTURBING) manga. She starts off with good intentions,(like fixing up medical problems and such) but ultimately ends up making things worse.

Why am i mentioning this?

Why, indeed.