Tropical Love

Mood: fine
Now Playing: Skinny Love, Bon Iver

Sometimes, things are just indescribable.

On the way home from work today, (I work at BackCheck as an HR interviewer, by the way) I had two stops before going home. I stopped at Tropical Hut for breakfast, and the old parish church near home.

Tropical Hut recently just cemented over a good half of their premises. Literally - where at least two rows of tables and seats should have been stood a concrete wall. I'm thinking it got bought off, since the wall was made of concrete as opposed to the wooden walls construction usually use. Tropical Huts aren't really top of the line fast food chains. Have you ever seen a Tropical Hut at an SM before? I mean like a huge big spot, not in the food courts or something like that. I'm guessing they aren't really that hot at the moment.

But I don't know. I still like eating at that place. I've come to decide that I like breakfasts after all, and Tropical Hut still serve the same coffee that makes my stomach a bit funny. (Possibly because it comes with a glass of juice, so)

I like eating there.

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Work has been pretty straightforward. I keep hearing plans on how long other people are going to stay, or maybe of what they're going to do after, but I don't know. I don't have any concrete shit going on.

Maybe I agree, when this morning over breakfast at McDo, people told me that the work can be kind of demeaning. I mean, no one ever graduates out of college thinking that he's going to interview people up. Even I don't want that.

But it's a start, I guess. I don't know if I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not putting my life on hold. I have no idea if this is my brain talking, rationalizing stuff. I don't know by convincing myself that "it's just the first step of many" I'm covering up some stuff. I just don't.

The things I know about the future seem so little.

Safe Harbor pt II

Mood: alright
Now Playing: she doesn't get it, the format

June
In my first interview, the interviewer asked me what my long term-plans were. I thought of saying the truth, but i decided at the last minute to say that I'm looking at the worlds right now, and i want to have a taste of this world. Then at the end of it, I changed my mind and said the truth: that I have always wanted a family.

I finally got around the city to go up and get some of the documents, and it wasn't really that bad at all. They were good days, good days indeed.

July
After a while, the interview questions are routine: what's your name, how many minutes will you be commuting if ever, how much will your rate be, yknow, those kind of things. Then suddenly, an interviewer stumps you with a question:  "in this position (HR recruiter for some firm) what do you think will be the most important question to ask an applicant?" after some thought, I came up with a fantastic "how interested are you in the position?" Needless to say, they never called.

I've been running around the city a lot during those days. In between, i slept and thought of how best to, yknow. Exist.

August
I've landed a job. I start on Aug 6, and today is Aug 5 already. I don't know what to feel, or even if i do want to feel. I feel like talking, but I don't want to talk. I've just gone a 48 hour family trip, and I'm tired as hell. But still, I've been writing for the past hour already.

As I'm typing this, the rain still won't let up, and it falls vertically, almost as straight as an arrow. I'm kind of missing the time when it swayed with the wind, and the raindrops danced. The droplets didn't fall as straight as they are now, but in random patterns, buoyed by the gusts of wind.

There really is no indirect meaning to what I am about to say, and it is random as I would allow myself in this public log, but I just need to get this off my chest. I'm kind of missing everybody.

Safe Harbor pt I

Mood: alright
Now Playing: skinny love, bon iver

Oh hello, blogspot. I'm really sorry for neglecting you so. A lot of things have happened since I last wrote here, and I've really been meaning to write down things... its just hard to pen the moments, you see?

March 
In the weeks preceding graduation, people were nicer, friendlier, funnier and generally more nostalgic. Graduation goggles, anyone? It can be quite difficult differentiating what really happened from what people felt happened. I'm pretty guilty myself. I've written two letters addressed to the future me, you see. And i've read one of them already. What was I thinking, indeed.

From the letter:

"... I've been thinking, and if you're reading this then this means that you need to; and I have only a few things to say to you, my future self. Don't be afraid to make mistakes with people. They will inevitably do things that will make no sense, that will make you bleed from the inside and they will be just so infuriating. But still. Do not be afaid... [sic] "

April 
Graduation day was far from what my 10-year old self pictured. For one thing, there was no confetti, nor hats thrown in the air or doves flying by the hundreds. But one thing he did got right was the huddle at the end, and the feeling you get on your stomach when you're in freefall.

I have never felt so many conflicting emotions at the same time. We're all in one piece, yep. But at the same time, it was the end of a long-trudged road; we were at the end of the road after many decisions and shit, but we didn't reach the same spot at the same time. It actually is pretty hard and sad for me to say this, as I understand this is quite the sensitive subject. But please allow me some room for apologies, if needed. I'm typing without pausing, thinking without braking.

People talk about the experience of graduation itself. They seldom talk about how it feels afterward. It feels like shit. Then, gradually, it gets better before it reverts to shit again. I keep thinking of how much similar it is to a diver walking the plank at 20 feet up.  People egg you to go on, and when you finally do make the leap, there is much cheering and stuff. But the similarities end there. With the diver, it starts the moment he jumps from the board and ends with him breaking the water's surface. At that moment, he finishes. He's done. He can go home now. Graduation starts the moment it starts, and ends the moment it ends, but you haven't really broken the surface of the water yet. You're still in free fall. You thought the leap was the end of it, but it turns out you're just beginning.

May 
If April was a milkshake of feelings, May was the bland taste of water after the ungodly swirl of milkshake flavors that was April. Plans were made and remade at the last minute, people kept saying they missed each other terribly and things were broken and mended at the same time. I think I thought of a lot of things at this time, that I inadvertently hurt myself just by thinking some stuff, too. Overthinking, you will be the death of me.

People kept pestering me to get the needed mature stuff: NBI clearance, SSS and all those other government stuff. I spent most of they day in my room, sleeping. If I could have, though, nothing would please me more than to shout at their faces "I DO NOT FUCKING WANT TO FUCKING DO ANYTHING."

We all finally got together on the last day of May, almost dawning on June. It was as random and fun as ever, and there are lots of memories I'd like to keep on remembering for a good chunk of time. It felt awfully familiar. Tagaytay was cold; I couldn't help but shiver for a bit on the way home.