Starting 2010 pt 1

Mood: yeah.
Now Playing: barbara ann, the beach boys.

So although it's been a week into 2010, this is my 1st post for the year 2010, the year of the whatever. This year's new year's eve was funny; there was a freaking full moon, and from what i've heard, it's pretty special, since its the 2nd full moon this month. So anyway, the night's highlight (apart from the pretty lights and the sounds) happened when i, complete with a trumpet on my mouth, was sitting on one of the balcony's bench chairs. I leaned back to look at the moon above and was suddenly reminded of wolves howling at the moon, their long fur bunching around their necks and their posture erect, whilst us humans were content blowing on a trumpet, leaning quite carelessly on a bench. I dunno. It was just weird. Like we were howling at some forgotten instinct, using the trumpets as the medium to howl at the moon. Then i brushed off the thoughts and helped myself to another spoonful.

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2009 in wordss:

Personally, it was visually compelling. From this viewpoint, all i could remember were the cool and manly times. Social psychologists call this rosy retrospection, but i prefer to call it nostalgia. Adds a little bit of reality, y'know. So anyway, why visually compelling? Why, it just seemed like a good choice of words at the time. LOL. haha. You know fireworks, right? They're just like that; visually compelling and like badabing badabom dey see me rolling~... that kind of shiz.

Aaand, if you're familiar with them fireworks, then maybe you know the feeling you get when you see them flashing up the sky and then you close your eyes and boom, you could still see them even with your eyes closed. I know there's a term for that, but ohwell. The point is, 2009 was just like that - a visually compelling series of fireworks that you could take anywhere, cause you could close your eyes and tune out everything, but still, you know that the second your eyelids hit home, you'd still see those fireworks like it was happening right now. 2009 was pretty much like that - fun and boredom and weirdo and gay filled. Each day was pretty much interesting, in one way or another, even though at times i'd like nothing better than to go straight home and sleep in my bed. Maybe there were bad times, yeah. Like studying up for a chemlab quiz or staying awake during a chemlec lecture or just the simple pain of getting up for another day's school work. But i suppose having some aslkdjasklfriendsaslkdjas going through the same shiz means and helps a whole lot.

And i suppose i'd like to thank those guys who made waking up every monday morning a bit easier - friends. The ones that matter are the ones that are. You people are the best and my god, i can't believe im saying this cheesy sort of stuff, but cheers for more years to come, and i like you all, you sons of beaches! xD

I don't think im making enough sense, do you? HAHA. demmet.

AND OH DEMMET. 2009 was freckled heavily with disasters and shiz too. I-i can't think of anything to say to those who were affected by the huge ass shiznit that kept coming on us like rain. No, seriously. I just hope that whatever they'e doing to cope, whatever they're doing to rebuild their lives again, sticks like shiz.

By the way, I kind of like long lists now, soo..

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2009 IN FLASHBACKS

1. Staying up late even more.
2. Dulasawit days.
3. Birthdays. (other people's of course. i still don't like my birthdays)
4. Movies at Bren's.
5. Porn Movies at Nichola's.
6. Them painting my cabinet white.
7. 1st summer class. and hopefully, the last.
8. In school at 5 in the morning.
9. Editing a soundtrack over and over and over again.
10. Eating street food
11. Eating street food with friends. argh drama.
12. Too much drama.
13. Overdosing (i think) on stress tabs and biogesics.
14. Backflipping.
15. Feeling so stupid, it hurts like hell.
16. Coming to terms.
17. Progressing, with dad.
18. Getting published in college for the first time.
19. Finding things interesting instead of finding it dull.
20. Kicking a football ball.
21. Playing games on the grass with a lot of amazing people.
22. Overnighting at Cavite.
23. Overnighting everywhere.
24. Waking up on the wrong side of bed. Literally.
25. Receiving a giant ass pillow. Colored pink. agggh. haha xDD

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continued here.

The Things Christmas Can Do

Mood:
Now Playing: the con, tegan and sara

So it's Christmas, and my gahd, the air is freezing even when it's all sunny and bright and amazing a little while ago. And i guess this weather is freaking perfect, it feels amazing when this sudden blast of wind assaults your face and you close your eyes for a second and then bam~ you feel the sun on your eyelids. It's freaking amazing, what could i say.

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Anyway, a little while ago my relatives came over to visit. And these two kids, see? They're freaking balls of freaking energy, it's as if their muscles are made out of chemical x or something. mygahd. We have these.. shooting things called Nerfs. They fire these little air bullets made of a suction end and some.. some plastic foam as the bullet's body. mygad, hala sige, baril kung baril. soon enough, the stairs had them bullets sticking out like sum kind of weird mushrooms. didn't took long enough for us to join in and pretty soon, we were firing at each other's faces like sum demented chuck norris fan.

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we ate a late dinner, and by the time the ham was gone, they were already sharing stories, catching up and shit. you know how adults go; they get caught up in their own little worlds so much that when the rare opportunity like this comes in which they can share and bond, they do it in generous helpings.

and so this was how i got acquainted with a myriad of stories told over mouthfuls of chocolate cake, ham, liempo and alcohol. Some were pretty weird and like O.O, others short and pretty shallow and sometimes there were stories behind stories, like those subliminal messages and shit. And i guess this was more like a release for them, more therapeutical than for the sake of entertainment. One thing's funny, though. Adults still don't understand the concept of telling a joke, and more than once, i was forced to laugh, which by the way is ironic, because im not fan of forced laughter. haha.

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So after the guests left, and Dad was about halfway through his bottle, he started telling stories my gad. it was horrifying to hear your dad tell you stories about his childhood (or in his case, lack of) and other things. And as much as i hate to admit it, he's a aslkjdaing amazing person. i mean, he finished an infrastructure project that was due in 8 months in 2 freaking months, leaving a huge 6-month allowance. that's gotta be freaking amazing. plus i feel like he's coming to terms with all this old age thing, and i suppose that's a good thing. at least we haven't had a shouting match in the first few days he's been here, and that's a really good thing, i suppose.

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OHSHIT, I JUST REMEMBERED A LINE FROM THE BOOK I'VE BEEN READING. AND I SWEAR I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT BEFORE, IT JUST HAPPENED AS I WAS TYPING THE ABOVE PART OF THIS BLOGPOST.

Through it all, despite it all, Eddie privately adored the old man, because sons will adore their fathers through even the worst behavior. It is how they learn devotion. Before he can devote himself to God or a woman, a boy will devote himself to his father, even foolishly, beyond explanation.

-the five people you meet in heaven.

mygsd. what conspiracies. i don't know whether to clap or sleep nao.

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i know i practically say this every damn blogpost, but i've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, and it's pretty much creeping me out. there's a lot of things i want to make sure of, like whose life i'll walk with will be, or like will the things with a lot of things settle down, or will i ever finish this thing im doing. and it's amazing to think that i can still stumble through the day without knowing the answers to these questions, or without going crazy at the thought of it. but i guess in the end, happiness is a state of mind, and although

EDIT. holy crap what the hell was that right now. the next part grossed me out, so... *delete*delete*delete*

Thank You, Ashley Bell

Mood: yay
Now Playing: kimi no shiranai monogatari, supercell.

i think i've finally understood the true meaning of the word "PAIN". My whole ankle freaking hurts like someone is constantly sawing the bones inside. How can you get this lovely sensation, you ask? why, just walk around moa for like 6 hours non stop, with no breaks and shiz. my gad, i swear i hear myself creak whenever i move. laksdjlakdj. haha xDD

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anyway, this blogpost isn't about my aches and pains, nope. it's this book, y'see. and i guess a lot of people are familiar with the title: the five people you meet in heaven, by mitch albom. and the cool thing is, i ,managed to find a HARDBOUND copy of it at a booksale for 125 pesoooos. amazing right? right.

but the more amazing thing is the first page. there it is, in the top left corner of the page is written Ashley Bell, 12/04. - from Mom. and my gad, that is the most touching thing i've seen today. mygadmygadmygad. pretty freaking amazing, if you ask me. i was just passing by a booksale when i suddenly had the urge to boom, look inside. i walk in, and the first thing i see is this book and the next thing i know i was resisting the urge to pump a fist in the air and scream "yessz beaches!"

i kind of like the idea of having a book with your name on it going places. like you get this feeling that somewhere out there, someone is reading the same book that you read a few years ago. somewhere out there, someone is feeling the same feelings that you got, too. it's pretty mysterious, when you think about it. will the person pass it on, too? or will the chain stop right freaking there?


i knew i said before that this post would not consist of my whining but... DEMMET EVERYONE. would someone just chop of my feet so it wouldn't hurt anymore, kthanks.

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also bought the latest kikomachine, and a paperback copy of charlie and the chocolate factory, complete with illustrations from quentin blake. B-)

i so love booksale right now. if booksale was human we would've been best buds. :D

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and oh, mom and dad met me up at moa, then we ate at mang inasal. good fooood. i think i just my own weight in chicken, which i guess is not a good thing. sigh. hahaha. xDD merr christmas na nga lang. xD

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and in case the real ashley bell who was given this book by her mom reads this, know that your book is in good hands. and yeah, thanks again.

In Shining Armor

Mood: wow yay
Now Playing: attack in black, young leaves.

Garden State remains as one of the cutest movies iver ever seen. asldkjas. i dunno about you guys, but... arghhhdaskdsl;kd;sds;ldk. Aside from the awlkdjaslkdjaslkdjas cute story it dishes out, it has a killer soundtrack that blends in perfectly. It has its faults, yes (like the rushed ending), but the two leads, Braff and Portman, portray their characters so perfectly and cutely it makes me want to aslkdjalskdj. They look so damn cute together, too. This line alone from Andrew and Sam floored me. This happens as andrew's friend, Mark, leads them around a wild goose chase around town. They start in a hardware store, then a peep hotel until they finally land in a seemingly deserted quarry.

Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!
Sam: I'm not innocent.
Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay?
And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy
quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing
turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!
Mark: Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.
Sam: (to Mark)He's protecting me.(smiles and giggles)
Andrew Largeman: (hesitantly, to Sam) So?
Sam: He *likes* me! (giggle)
Andrew Largeman: Don't be cute.
Sam: He's my knight in shining armoor~ (giggles some moar)

If that wasn't cute, i don't know wth is. and it's funny, because the things that you see in this moive, the things that they do, the things that they get themselves into, it can actually happen. well, at least i think they can. alsdjaskdjas. and im so freaking jealous of andrew largeman, cause he can actually have this amazing girl - a girl named samantha, which i think is a pretty cute nameaskldjsdkajs, next to alice and ellie, of course - that he can actually postpone fxing his life, just to be with this one person he has met for a span of four days and it's freaking amazing, im actually having trouble finding the right adjectives to describe it, cause how can you describe something so amazing and touching? damn it. damn it damn damn it.

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so everything is pretty much okay. went to a lot of places this week. theater play and star city on sunday, moa on monday, and pretty much bummed around the university the rest of the week. stayed late at the university a couple of times, sitting in the grass and just singing around the guitar shan brought to school. peaceful times. didn't know a couple of songs, so i made a mental playlist to search for when i have the time.

had this... this badingle which is pretty much like our version of a kris kringle. all items had to be worth 50 pesos and below, and we had to buy it when we were together at the world trade bazaar, a few weeks ago. received a bonnet which is looking pretty awesum on yours truly. gave a wooden scratcher and a slinky - gotta love my bargaining powers, fudgeyeah - to nicholesbo. tambayed until nighttime, singing old school songs and whatnot. found this weird hole in the grass, so pictures were taken and shiz.

Played L4D yesterday, and we freaking won. hahaha. i feel so epic, i wish i could make a cake out of it. and and, Nichola and Pola played for the first time yesterday. They did good, for starters. Yep, srsly. Though it may look like im saying this to everyone, they really did play okay.

it's officially the start of the christmas vacation, and im loving every inch of it. :)

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i wonder, if my life was a sitcom, what the hell would i title it?

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i've started playing sims 3 again~! Pekla comments on it as "cute", and i think she's cool for that. Yuss. My only problem now with my sim is that his love interest calls him every freaking damn second, and i find it cute and irritating at the same time. hahahaha.

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The above lines from Garden State floored me, so it wouldn't be a surprise if i say i was freaking shocked she knew Garden State. Haha. Not a lot of people do, and if you do, you're a good guy. It's like this: there are only two kinds of people in the world. The good guys that know Garden State and the bad guys, that don't. Pwhahahaa.

lol, i exaggerate too much.

anyway, so the above lines got me thinking about sappy stuff too. and don't get me wrong, i hate sappy stuff. no, i really really doo.aldjaslkdjsk. i can't stand reading romance novels. i don't like valentines. i hate teddy bears. okay kid. i like bears. BUT STILLLLL. demmet demmet.

and about the sappy things i thought of, i'd best keep them to myself, lest i drag myself to an asylum.

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where do the lines we think of come from? y'know, the inner conversations we have in our heads. where do we get them? is it random? is it a work of the mind? the heart? and after everything has been said and done, where do all of the thoughts go? when i was a kid, i remember imagining that there was a Thought Island where used thoughts go and converge and relax and then go to new people before returing back to Thought Island. but then, i had to grow up, and i guess now, i'd like to believe that there is, that there is a Thought Island just above there in the clouds.

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Beside a fire, relaxing.

Andrew Largeman: Let's just talk about good stuff.
Sam: Good stuff?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah. Glass half full shit. What do you got?
Sam: I got a little buzz. I got that.
[laughs]

Sam: What you got?
Andrew Largeman: I got a little buzz going
[pauses]
Andrew Largeman: and I like you.
[Sam, embarassed, giggles]
Andrew Largeman: So there's that. I guess I have that.

Sam: I can tap-dance. You wanna see me tap-dance?
Andrew Largeman: I would love to see you tap-dance.

Damn it. Why so cute, Garden State?

All For a Saturday

Mood: confused.
Now Playing: the fray's look after you (cover by aesandrummer)

Had football class yesterday, 9-11. The sun was merciless and beat upon us all senseless with the heat. But whenever the ball soared between open hands (or okay, legs) and you had to go running after it, everything was pushed to the back of the mind as you ordered your dirt-coverd legs the most basic command of all: Run. All that mattered was that you catch up to the ball and and you kick it towards your partner. All that was present was you and the wind only.

I like the wind. Espescially when, at night, a sudden breeze blows through your whole being and you feel engulfed in it's body. Or aun nga, whenever you're running, and you could feel your hair being blown back, and realize that you're becoming one with the wind. It's a pretty funny feeling. You wish that somehow, you could be a part of that wind and just escape to the heavens. But you know you can't do that, nope, you can't. A secret part of you, the one that's most in tune with reality, will oppose the wind inside you and ground you with it's chains.

Why am i mentioning this, i have no idea.

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So last saturday, after going to Ieya's, manila zu and the world trade bazaar, (yes, all of happened in a saturday. sorry ndi na ako umabot sa star city) i dropped by moa to pick up some things. of course, i dropped by powerbooks too, and was immediately assaulted by my ultimate freaking longing - the solitaire mystery by jostein gaarder. pricing at around 350, this book is at the pinnacle of my xmas shopping list, as i think i owe it to myself to read gaarder again.

you may be wondering now, what the hell is up with ding and his gaarder fascination? simple, it was his book, The Orange Girl, that changed my view on things. i won't say how or why it changed my views, but one thing is for sure; this book marks a lot of things, and one if it is my first step into the appreciation of life and possibly, of redemption itself.

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among other things, i saw a copy of vince teves' Vince's Life, and the sequel, Getting Over Andrea. I was immediately reminded of this line i really liked from the sequel, which kind of echoes how i feel about the subject in question, too.

(after Cat asks what Vince's definition of love is)
"Fireworks," I finally said. Cat looked at me from where she was lying by turning her head sideways and upwards.

"It was like fireworks. You know how fireworks are always a surprise? It was like that. Everything was magical and just when i thought it couldn't get better, it always did get better until i thought i would explode with joy. And then it was over." - pg 80-81.

taken from this blogpost

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i'll be walking forward, even if the road im taking is full of thorns. even if i had a choice, i'll still choose this one, because just like coldplay's yellow goes, "for you i'll bleed myself dry." why? cause you're the only one i'll ever wait for, you stupid fucking bitch.

damnit. sentimentality is killing me.

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on another and happier note, das saw this oldschool cam and is attempting to revive it. it's a Nikon FA, and aslkdjsalkdjaslkd, i cannot wait to try it out once it gets fixed. Picture below shows me in my room holding said camera. do not mind the slave playing the guitar

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so far i've been using the digicam Lucy, and well. aun. she's getting pretty old, so i need to scrape up enough money to either fix her up or buy a new one. im thinking one that's pretty compact and shiznit, so it'll be super easier to carry out of the house.

yuss~ another strain on the already strained wallet. agggh.

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oh and by the way? i saw this really neat cover of stephen speak's passenger seat on youtube a while ago, and i was like screaming expletives at the talent she has. w-wao. haha xDD

aaand, speaking of guitars, a lot of people seem to be playing theirs lately, and it makes me want to play again. (not that i ever really was something at guitars, aghk. >.<)

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... too early, huh?

OHAI!

Mood: meh. Now Playing:i remember you, the ataris

watched new moon yesterday. it was.. pretty bad. *runsforcover* no, srsly. probably the only redeeming thing about it is the cool soundtrack they kept on playing. and oh, some of the shots were amazing, as were the fight scenes between wolves and vampires.

but the thing is, you don't go to a movie, order a ticket for a chick flick and watch it for the camera shots, the fight scenes or the soundtrack. w-well, at least i don't. personally, i'd rather focus on the lines and the way the actors feel with each other. sad to say, but the lines delivered were pretty cliche. "you are my everything". "i can't live without you". "please stay. im begging you"

any self-respecting teenage kid could've sued the movie for plagiarizing his life. okay, i kid. haha. i don't know if it worked with other people, (if it did, then you are of higher caliber than i, dear reader ) but as for me.. well.

best part: spoiler! the one wherein jacob leans over the windows of alice's car and delivers these lines to a weirdo bella:

Jacob Black: Please stay here. For Charlie. For me.
Bella Swan: I have to go.
Jacob Black: I'm begging you. Please.
Bella Swan: Goodbye, Jacob.

this was pretty fucking awesome, and had the potential to hit home in all of the right places. cooly.

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I've talked with Rb about some things. and.. i guess i've found a way. or more likely, i've found a concept i can actually hold on to. now the only thing left is to stick with it and try to at least be sane enough to live it through the end. there are no "buts". there are no "ors" there's only me, and a whole lot of other shit that i guess could either make or break a man. and it's frightening, sure. but i believe the rewards are well worth it (which i of course wont go into details here) im remindd of Dr. Kelsos's line in one episode of scrubs. in a sort of sudden burst of insight, he tells an obese patient and Dr Turk, both with fear and insecurity problems, that anything that's not difficult isn't worth fighting for. i dunno. it just gets to me like bam! and boom! y'know.

... or something like that.

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on the other side of things, everything is pretty peaceful. i don't know wth happened this night, but i feel sort of ready. and it's a good thing, isn't it? i hope you're feeling good too. *smiles*

i feel like mary freaking poppins. by the way, this picture below is pretty awesome. kekekeke~

Hantungan

Mood: nagaantay
Now Playing: akap, imago

nitong nakaraang lingoo, ay madaming taong nagtatanong sa akin kung ayos lang ba ako o ano. hindi ko alam kung bakit - ang huling pagkakaalam ko ay kayang kaya kong tumawa sa harap ng kahit sino, at kaya kong ikimkim ang mga dapat na kinikimkim. kaya hindi ko lubos maunawaan kung paano ako kayang basahin ng mga tao ng ganun-ganun lang. kahinaan? hindi siguro.

matagal ko ng sinasabi sa maraming tao na hindi na ako lilingon sa nakaraan. kung lilingon man, iyon ay para pumulot ng aral at kung anu-ano pa. hindi para umalala ng mga bagay na wala naman talagang sagot dahil una sa lahat, wala naman talagang dapat itanong pa - naikwento na ang mga daat ikwento at lumabas na ang mga dapat lumabas. kung meron pa mang natitira, iyon na siguro ang takot at pangamba na maglakad ulit sa direksyon na tinalikuran. tinatalikuran.

kanya-kanyang pag aangkop na sa sitwasyon yun. kanya kanyang pagkukubli o pagtago o minsan, pagtakas. ako? sawang-sawa na ako maglaro ng tagu-taguan o takbuhan. bahala na si Bathala.

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wala. na akong dapat maramdaman kung hindi wala. unang una, dahil tapos na ang lahat.

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pangalawa, dahil iba na ang buhay ko. namin. niya. sila. at masaya ako para sa lahat. siryoso.
minsan, sa isang sulok ng daan, namamatay ang ilaw, napupundi, nawawala. nilulunod tayo sa kadiliman ng ating anim na pangdama, at inaangat natin ang ating mga kamay para lang may makapitan. ngunit sa ngayon, sa gitna ng sumasayaw na ilaw sa aking sulok ng daan, alam kong walang dahilan para mangamba, dahil alam kong sa gitna ng lahat, ikaw ang aking kasama.

sana lang makita na kita kaagad.
at higit sa lahat, pangatlo: dahil baka ito na ang inaantay ko.

oo, tanga. sana naintindihan mo.

Feeling Springy

Mood: springy. what the hell is springy.
Now Playing: butch walker, mixtape

One of the weirdest things ever is a great Monday. no srsly. it kind of freaks me out since mondays are usually.. y'know. pieces of shit wrapped with shit coating. but so far the week has been forgiving, and it makes me wonder what the hell i did to receive such a blessed turn of events. cause whatever it is, i'd like to go out of my way to do it again, just to experience this.. this.. springy feeling again. i probably won't go into details here - yeah yeah yeah - it's just too... too.. lakjdklajd that i don't want to jinx it or anything. suffice it is to say that maybe all you need in life is a quick remedy, and that remedy can come from a lot of unexpected places.

what the hell am i talking about, i wonder sometimes.

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crashed on my bed as soon as i got home at around 9 in the evening. woke up five hours later with a splitting headache, so i sprinted downstairs and grabbed something to drink. it's a little bit funny, cause i only need five hours of sleep to function properly, but everyone knows how sleepy i get whenever.

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best quote i've read this morning: I'm a Christian. It's not a religion, its a lifestyle.

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found this cute vid on the net.



im betting this will land on my morning playlist. it's so damn sunshiny and so sunday morning, it makes me want to vomit sunshine at everybody.though then again, lyrics-wise, they sound a little... hngh. lasjdlaskj.

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it's 4 in the morning and i need to get ready for laskjdaks school soon.
we speak as if everybody is listening.

right?

Let us be entertained

Mood: shitty. but then again, what's fucking new?
Now Playing: don't say goodbye, say goodnight

... with the almost tangible scent of anxiety.

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So tomorrow's the start of the second semester, and i'm nervous as hell. i have no freaking idea why; i've gone through about a hundred first days, but it always gets to me, y'know. like some freaking santa claus, nervousness is sure to drop down the chimney that is my head and deliver a hot steaming dump on my brain. no shit.

the thing about starting a new is that you can't really control.. well, everything. anything can go wrong - it could rain at the most inopportune time, your fly could get stuck on something awful, or you could accidentally trod on your professors' bad side. a lot of things can go wrong. such is life; unfair and bitchy.

and when shit happenes, you could only clasp your hands together and pray for a goddamn miracle.
or if that's too out of the ordinary for you, you could try going for the low tech version of a miracle and ask for that instead - a pack of glorious friends to help you through the day.

ps. sorry for the sentimental overtones. i've just gone from an afternoon stroll and a marathon of scrubs, so here i am, trying to nail down my JD type monologue.

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one of the few things you could count on if you have an eye disease is that you could totally count on people to play up the sympathetic card when conversing with your truly. maybe that's how i escaped a ton of bullying or what not during my previous, gullible and innocent years; i was just too out there to be poked at.

don't get me wrong, it sucks and all that to have this motheraaslkdjas eye, espescially when people do this thing when they whirl around and see if they're actually the one im fucking talking to. i mean, what the hell man? can anyone be so tactless as to actually do taht shit? but of course, i don't let it get through to me. why? cause im manly like that.

so anyway, the sympathy card. it's when people play up nice and warm and cuddly with you, or treat you nice and sweet cause you're like this fragile piece of glass that could break of at any moment. sorry to burst your bubbles, folks, but it turns out that im actually aware of how your stinking mind really works. please, i could just eat off your face with all taht sugar-coated syrupy - not to mention the most important part - fake sympathies. call me paranoid, but you can't actually fault me for saying this. im as perfectly capable of fending for myself, thank you very much, and frankly, it just sucks to know that im being pitied upon.

maybe i'm just getting paranoid, a little world-weary, a little jaded and frayed around the edges. but as long as idiots like that lkasjdlkajd live, i sure as hell won't let my guard down. better be a weird paranoid piece of scum than be a doormat.

it just sucks to be the downside of everything, y'know?

-transferred post from a brother blog, sometime ago.
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last night, as we exited from another tambay episode at nichola's, the southbound people found a pretty fucking shit with shit filling waiting on the banks of the post office. now any self-respecting southbound guy would instantly recognize what the post office is for - it is where the line for an FX to carry us home is.

and lo and behold! the line stretched out to infinity and even more. i checked my fucking watch: a little before 7 pm. LRT was clogged as shit, and the malls nearby were a fucking black hole: it kept sucking in every single person in the vicinity. people kept flocking to the malls, no doubt with the plan to waste a few hours in an unholy building of mankind until the trafiic became manageable again. thus, the mall swelled to an almost comical size, it was funny as shit.

"what the fucking hell is fucking happening?!" raged my inner angel. the line was so fucking long, longcat could've gone and made a mrs. longcat out of it. sensning futility, i dragged my ass to the mall and went people-watching.

i made it home at around the same time the crows started jamming. okay, i kid. around 10-ish or something. what the hell happened in between i don't know and i don't fucking remember.

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there's still hope. a fool's hope, but i cling to it, like a wolf to his sheep.

Innocence?

Mood: hohum
Now Playing: kimi no shiranai monogatari

So i've downloaded this 1994 movie, Leon: The Professional, and i was screaming expletives from the moment i saw Natalie Portman stepping into the shoes of Mathilda - sort of a child waif brimming with a thirst for revenge.

In a nutshell, the story goes off like this: Professional assassin Leon reluctantly takes care of 12-year-old Mathilda, a neighbor whose parents are killed, and teaches her his trade. If that wasn't compelling enough for you to scrounge the internet or your favorite quiapo establishment or your favorite - haha, what the hell - video store, well, this conversation floored me:

Mathilda: Leon, I think I'm kinda falling in love with you.
[Leon chokes on his milk]
Mathilda: It's the first time for me, you know?
Léon: [wiping himself off] How do you know it's love if you've never been in love before?
Mathilda: 'Cause I feel it.
Léon: Where?
Mathilda: [stroking her stomach] In my stomach. It's all warm. I always had a knot there and now... it's gone.
Léon: Mathilda, I'm glad you don't have a stomach ache any more. I don't think it means anything.

ohgahd. and Leon's fucking line as he lowers Mathilda down the shaft got to me, too.

Léon: You're not going to lose me. You've given me a taste for life. I wanna be happy. Sleep in a bed, have roots. And you'll never be alone again, Mathilda. Please, go now, baby, go. Calm down, go now, go.

Pretty fucking amazing, if you ask me. Probably what makes it that way is how much a kid could have such an effect on a full grown assasin, who drinks MILK and watches movies in his free time. It's astonishing, really, when you see how Leon grows in the movie, little by little.

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I'm reminded of a time when i was young, and my parents would go out to the Alabang Town Center. Since we live in Paranaque, it was a good and long trip on the van dad made with his own fucking hands. And yes, you read that right.

So anyway, ATC. For a twelve year old kid, being in a mall other than SM (and with a glorious fountain to boot, waao) blew my mind away. I remember stumbling into a powerbooks and grabbing a copy of.. damnit, i forgot the title. It was either a dan brown or a gardner, don't know which is which, so.. asjdakdjals. The lady at the counter bagged the book for me, and it was all so delicious and warm and smelled like coffee on an amazing morning. The brown paper bag was deliciosly very crisp and very fresh and very very smooth - you could feel it over and over and it would still the same way each and every time you did so. And i remember imagining, as i stepped outside, that i was in one of the cafes overlooking the fountain at the center, with the book and it's deliciously brown bag lying on the table. I remember sipping from a mug as i looked down the other passers-by, as the sound of shoppers and the morning scenery assaulted my senses.

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There was also this one time, when i was still in elementary (and therefore could still stomach my now irrational fear of going out of the house), and was inspired, by some cosmic turn of events, to take a walk down the neighborhood one afternoon. * obligatory WHY SO CONYOOO~?! line here*

Nothing out of the ordinary happened, though the winds were spectacularly strong that day, and the leaves were doing this kind of slow dance with it. The neighborhood was as peaceful as ever, as kids my age seemed like they had outgrown going out and i was left with the ones that were years younger, the ones that still wore their school sando and shorts in their haste to go out and play.

I went home just as the day's dinner, chicken adobo, was being scooped into bowls. Rice was lumped in together with the leftover chicken oil, spices and whatnot in the pan to make adobong fried rice. A feast.
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Oh yeah, i've watched All About Steve yesterday in *snickers* tagaytay, and it was great. The movie itself reeked of chick flick-ness, but the lines they delivered were pretty cool and had sense and meaning and logic and had potential sentimentality. Cute movie, if i must say. The fact that she *spoilerspoiler* made a crossword puzzle all about steve (questions included were 1) what's steve's eye color; 2) what does steve's lips taste like) on the local newspaper was equally hilarious and uh.. t-touching? aghhk. xD

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Yellowcard's on the playlist, and now i want to check out some of my old stuff.

Rocket Science

Mood: okay.
Now Playing: evermore, light surrounding you

What i've been doing lately:

1. cleaning teh hive room - and the memories in it.
so aun. this has gotta be one of my simple pleasures in life. in all honesty, cleaning the whole damn thing - bed, drawers, csbinet and mirror area - could've taken a mere five hours to properly organize brush away the dust. five simple damn hours. but it took me a day and a half to finish all of it - i just kept doubling back and checking how the heck did i got this motherkdjaskj score, or how the hell did i ended up with someone and something amazing back then. it's strange, really. the thing is, packrat or not, you almost always end up treasuring the things that don't really matter - like a scrapbook or a notebook for instance. you can't choose what to treasure, what to appreciate, what to stick in that memory bank of yours, nope.

you just do.

2. sleeping late.
or the polar opposite, sleeping all day. this happened more than once this sembreak, so i guess my circadian rhythm is pretty messed up right now. as such, i eat my breakfast at 3 in the afternoon and my dinner at somewhere between 9 or 12. ohno, where the heck did lunch go? lsjdakl.

3. traditionz.
y'see, every year, we gather up the usual crowd in the highschool tropa and meet up in a 7-11 to walk the rest of the way to the manila memorial cemetery, where we pay our respects for the deceased and the steadfastness of the living. then at around midnight, we crash at a friend's place and spend the rest of the night/day doing nothing but catch up and watch them movies and drink. and i guess it's strange, in an ohgahd-what-the-hell-am-i-doing kind of way, but it works, you know.

lol. we've been doing this for so long that i don't remember what the tradition exactly IS. is it the annual sleepover, or the long walk to and around the cemetery or is it the marathon of movies that fuck your shit up?

4. writing
yes, writing. call me a fucking noteworm or something, but first let me clarify that what i've been doing is pure shit. no kidding. it still reeks of my highschool emo days, the days wherein i could spend a whole freaking day staring at the ceiling with only music to consume and letters to burn. i mean, how low have i gone to only churn out recycled material from - gahd, i'll get stoned to death for this - love stories. what the fuck is fucking wrong with me, aargg.

don't get the wrong idea here; i love writing love stories as much as i like reading them. but i think that the market is too saturated of love stories nowadays that they treat it as something trivial, something that you could grasp and understand just by reading the lines of a book. well, yeah, i admit that as a writer, it IS one of the fundamental reasons one can have for writing a book: to give information and shit.

but to go as far as actually use as mere binded words on paper for something so immense and inexplicable such as love... i dunno about that.

5. the pressure of passing
yessur. i passed all of my subjects this sem. but the thing is, i'm not feeling any sense of accomplishment. give me a break. it just means that im able to face the incoming semester with more subjects and shit, and along with this thought comes the fact that i must pull my grades higher so that i could score a pretty decent job in this hellhole we call life. and if i go deeper down this thought, i'll think of what the hell would i be doing in five years time and the fucking, undoubtedly hard decisions i have to face during those years.

sigh.

6. on the pink side of things
talktothewalls still remains as one of my favorite youtube artists, as she churns out good originals now and then. save for this freakishly redundant line "Lately i've been thinking / Of this feeling / That i've been feeling" her newest original, this could be an experiment, or more... is pretty fucking amazing. vid here.

incidentally, my favorite line comes next out of the freakishly redundant line i wrote earlier. "Its hard to understand what i'm feeling / Is this true or am i overreacting baby?" and of course, the ending lines leave no room for disappointment with "We could make this work / We may not be rocket scientists / But we could experiment" fuck yea. it's as if she's reading a book entitled "ding's life" and writing songs about it.

yeah, right.

7.my family is fo sucking stupid
that they actually painted my fucking cabinet. if you know me personally, you may have realized that i am an overly jolly person, so much so that i have deathwishes, emotional sentiments and messsags from friends written on my cabinet. and it's been GREAT. i loved that cabinet that if it suddenly turned into cute girl overnight, i would be very happy.

so imagine how pissed off i was to come home one evening, very late, very hungry and very tired, and see how fucked up my cabinet was - they had painted all over my eathwishes, emotional sentiments and messsags from friends. holy shit squared.

so i stormed into the culprit's room, my aunt, and blasted her with "tita, wag nyu na lang pinturahan ung cabinet ko, thanks"

fuck. i should have mauled her head open.

8. paranormal activity is the shit
the theater ending, that is. and that's only if you can stand about 30 minutes of non-action and what not.

Some Shit That Just Needed Shitting

Mood: fukken tired.
Now Playing: good time, electrico

stayed up late again. it's 1 in the morning(or at least it was when i first sat down and keyed in whatever), and i just can't get a lot of things out of my head. I know, i know, i fucking know, all right? I had the whole fukcing weekend to think about things, and i STILL can't set out even a damn string straight. I HAVE figured out one thing, though. Well, two actually. One, i am so fucking worthless, i cannot even save a single fucking... friend. Whatever. Two, i am so fucking up everything right now, and if i want to save even just a single person, i have to save my fucking self first. Three... well. That's for another post.

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Truthfully, i've been mulling this blogpost for months now; its been sitting peacefully in my backburner with some titles like "Love, Pain and other Forms of Cheese" or "The Perfect Cure for Insomnia",

Since i cannot stand the mention of it(you should have seen my face as i keyed in Love on the title Love, Pain and other Forms of Cheese), i will simply refer to the L word as The L Word, since i believe it merits all caps, than lesbians, losers, lasers and the like.

Anyway. The L Word. My view on The L Word is simple; it echoes Dr. Cox's line from Scrubs. In this orgasmically good episode, he rants about what relationships are like in front of this psych undergrad who was filming the cast's thoughts for some project or something. Then suddenly, when i couldn't bring myself to stop laughing, Cox comes in with these lines;

Relationships dont work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, wont they, and then they finally do and theyre happy forever gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they werent right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway.

And Im telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I havent. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I dont care, cause I dobelieve in it. Bottom lineis the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they dont let it take em down

And i guess i do too. I do believe. The only difference is, people like me don't hve any idea where the hell their other halves are. They give an effort, yes, to find em - hell, it's probably the only thing they're good at. But in the end, many of the poor shmucks like me run around in circles, cause that's another thing we're good at. Running in fucking goddamn circles.

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Im keeping my hopes up that i was just terribly and horribly mistaken. I mean, i know what i saw. I know what i read. I just hope that i know when to stop. This sucks.

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Y'know, i sometimes think that the whole writing population are just miserable sons of bitches who are just fed up bitching about their own lives that they want to channel it into something concrete - like paper and pen, for instance. Why? It helps relieve the painaslkdsld, yknow. This act of transferring something so valuable to something so remarkably mundane is (perhaps to many a writer) a sacred act, one which transcends borders and race. Plus this sacred act of transferring emotions? It pisses other people off when you write horribly, so yeah, i guess that's an added bonus.

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So it's morning, about 6 i think; the clouds are still there, and i love it. Just this 3 or 4, i think, there was this huge downpour i had to run upstairs and grab my jacket, lest i freeze to death. Cooly.

I am so fuckin hoping for a suspended class tomorrow.

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You know what hurts the most? Fukken everything. It's when you realize that you would still take a goddamn bullet for a friend you know you don't even fucking recognize.

Getting Drunk on Energy Drinks and also Being Busy and Other Excuses

Mood: nuninuninu.
Now Playing: wishful thinking, FTC.

(*this is a combined post - of last saturday and of present-day tuesday- hence, the title*)

Lots of good things and not so good things happened this week. Had this debate thingy for oral comm class, and everyone knows i hate debates - well, more i like i CAN'T debate; i always stumble/mumble/fumble with my words. But aun. Since i got roped into being the deputy leader of the opposition, (yeah, i know it sounds cool but trust me. it effing sucks) i had to stand my ground against possibly the three most ball-busting debaters on the planet. One has this track record of going against school policy vs another school policy, then this girl with a 12903812890371237129 brain efficiency, and the clincher - a real live debater.

If there were any ranks lower than underdogs, like under under under under under under under the underdogs, go ten levels below that and that's where we smack right dab are. Hi, we're the opposition, how you doing.

Anyway,your typical Ding story happened - i stand up, i stutter, i get shot down, i dig a hole and cry, and then i effing shrug it off. Why? Cause im manly like that.

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So i finally passed a variation of this blog post for an article. Okay, fine fine. Maybe i did it cause im lazy. But i just want to make a difference. And i believe that this difference can be achieved by reading that variation.

...

Did you buy it? Nah, i didn't much, too. Kidding! The article version is IMHO, slightly better in terms of content. In terms of personality and emotional attachment however, the blog version wins, hands down.

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I want to drink drink drink. But the problem is, i needs monies to properly drink - i need a pizza, a horror dvd and cans and cans of the good old SMB. Don't ask why; i just want to, okay.

And omfg. Speaking of grades, i passed all of the subjects - save for chemlab, which im putting my computations off till next week - YUSS. Still can't believe my effing educ psych score. Now i feel guilty for making fun of educpsych. Yes, i promise. I do feel guilty, at times.

BMA.. hmp. BMA. BMA was okay, i guess. Miscalculated an equation and ended up way off the mark, so i don't know how i even managed a pass. What the fuck. Theories of Personality is still in the green light nao. ENGCOM, well that's that.

FUCKNUTS, PE. HAHA. Tip to incoming ust freshmen: never take softball. You'll only eat mud, i swear. Take folk dance or social dance or any other dance. PFFT, i lold.

Anyway, the sad thing is, the way things are right now, i'm probably averaging at around 3s-2.25, at best. And i cannot get a pc upgrade that way, no sir. I need to be at least hovering at around 1.50s to order request my very lovable parents a DS/PSP/PS3slim, and a 1.00-1.50 to order demand for a pc upgrade. NOOOES.

AND SHITKJDAKLS. Speaking of, I has fixed my laptop. Yuss. Recovering everything so far is 75% finished. The only thing i need to do is to recover my goddamn music files.

BYTHEWAY. If you have any files/programs/pics/vids that you think i could use and at least in the slightest way relevant to my intarests, please feel free to toss your files into Ding's collection box. Thanks. sdkjasl. long story short -> you has file, you send me file.

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My aunt has a stomachache right now, and she's blaming all her energy drinks. So kabooyas. She gave me all of them. So now, i have this mini pile of energy drinks, and i think i'm drinking my weight in (reads label) ginseng and caffeine. :))

Im starting to feel tipsy, even.
Hmm. this stuff - some energy drink in a can called vit500 - is the shit, man.


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(*present time*) so i lol'd. I've been wearing this stupid blue shirt since sunday evening; im already 3 hours in this godawful tuesday morning, and im hungry as hell. i missed three fucking meals already saldjaklsjd.

aslkjdalskjdas. brb, taking a shower.

ahem.

so why the hell am i so lax in my hygiene skillz today? let me first explain that im a water person - i love taking showers, baths, and everything else related to water.Water is fun. Water is cool. If water was a person i would've married and had three beautiful kids with her already.

So why the hell am i so lax in my hygiene skills today? Oh, nothing much, really. Jus that i had to finish (and by finish i also mean writing editing, rewriting and shiz) a ton of letters, documents, presentations, schedules and even preparations for yet another dinner (which i probably would be too sleepy/tired to attend to anyway, but asjdaslkj a promise is a promise, and i made one with a devil of a woman) that i didn't have time to take a proper bath.

ps.
that shower i mentioned a few lines before? kekekekekewl as always. my fingers are all wrinkly and shit nao. iloveit.

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why the hell am i so busy, i wonder.

Losing My Mojo

Mood: nooooo
Now Playing: boats and birds, gregory and the hawk also 1234, feist.

Went to school yesterday for this CSJ thing and got to meet a couple of the new people from the literary section and omfgaah i swear they're giving me an inferiority complex. It's been months since i wrote any short stories and asldkjaskldj, they're just writing badabing badaboom incredible pieces of fiction just like that.

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I think im losing my mojo. Y'know, that one big "______________" that everybody seems to have when they're doing the things they love doing. I dunno. I opened a notepad a few minutes ago and keyed in the 1st words that came to mind

lolwtfbbqpron what the heck am i doing

and then another go

i should just eat noodles

and then another another go

you wrote black rings under my eyes

and then another another another go

asldjasldjalsdjlasjd.

...

see? completely senseless and completely... completely.. mojo-less. ARGH. What the hell did i do? I'm probably my worst critic - i don't believe in whatever i do (not that i believe in anything much anyway, but that's another story) I have faulted the above 4 lines 4 times already, and it's still piling up.

In any case, i want to bring the old me back; the one that gave so much shit about life and music and art and the great things that reside within - peace and love. As i am now, i don't think i'll last for a few more months. Good thing sembreak is right down at the bend, then maybe i could kiss half of the drama goodbye for a few months. (I plan to escape and go to alaska this sembreak, y'see lol) But i guess i'd still be carrying around the other half of the drama - myself.

Garfield once said that you have to suffer in order to write.

Fucked, i am. :))

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People have been pulling me aside and going, "o, csj/infopsych ka pala. ang galing mo naman magsulat!" and it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with their minds - i haven't done anything to be proud of. Im betting 12903812938 of all the writers in the college didn't apply because a) they haven't heard of csj/infopsych yet b) they got lost and lazy along the way 3) they're lazy as shit 4) have no motivation or something. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno shit.

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Oh, prelim grades are back, fug no. So far, so good. I wouldn't have believed my educ psych grade if it hadn't been written by the devi professor herself. Hrrrm. So this finals, i have to exert 139812390128908129038% more effort if i want an all-line-of-1s.

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YUSS. Resolutions are in order.
I resolve to

1. Be more open-minded
2. Be more peace-loving
3. Be more loving and love people to death.
4. Be more studious
5. Be more introspective
6. Shut up and die.

Who am i kidding.

I Think I Missed Out on Something Wonderful

Mood: trying to prod awake my literary muse
Now Playing: none

I went to school this morning for a meeting with infopsych members. Got a little excited at the theme we're using for the literary page - paranoia. Ohyeahbaby. Lalang. Parang ang cool kasi. Ne~?

So anyway, it's a good thing a lot of freshmen were tricked inspired to join the infopsych. They look like cute little sheep and I dunno bout you guys, but i always a get a good feeling whenever i see gullible little sheep trotting happily to a cliff called stress. Call it initiation. Call it srtess. You're not a college student if you don't pull consecutive all-nighters for non-academics. I promise.

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For the past hour, i've been thumbing through all of my blogposts and was like going "shittt, ang manly ng post na to!" or "so iba na pala sila today" or "my life sucked even back then" or a nice simple chorus of FUCKKK.

It's funny to think how personal this blog has become. I mean, look at it. 193 posts of angst, whining, and the occasional flashes of light. I dunno. It just amazes me to think that something so intangible has practically become an extended part of my being.

I remember this post that talked about how strangely peaceful the minutes before zoolab were before somebody popped the question "nag ka BF GF ka na ba? yes or no lang dapat sagot! and then comes in Bren, saying "single by choice". Lalang. That line struck me at first as lolwtfpronbbqweird, but i guess in the end, being single or being attached is first of all, is indeed a goddamn choice. Then comes a great big surrender to the other; a surrender that will depend if she will catch you when you fall.

There were also some stuff i hope none of my parents will ever get to read. (ASIDE: I know this girl who started a very very personal blog. Six months in, as she was getting a glass of water one night, she discovered her MOM reading her BLOG. OMFG, i honestly do not what i would do if that shit happened to me) WHY? Well, just because. There are some things not worth risking parental love for. like allowance, for instance

And then, of course, there are the posts with such drama i wished i could film my own sad damn life. But then of course, i would have to pick all of the actors, and omfgaah, i would be just wasting my time finding people even REMOTELY strange as their real-life counterparts.

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....

The above section was written yesterday, just a few hours ago. Writing non-stop, i closed my eyes for a bit and tsaraan. Here i am again, continuing this post.

Maybe it has something to do with the flow of thought, or the sudden realizations that creep in whenever we think of something that lead people to have - i dunno what's the politically-correct term - mood swings. I mean, look at me. Im practically a mess. I was fine a few hours ago. And now i feel like climbing up to my bed and just sleeping my life away.

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Thumbing through the posts again made me realize some shit today, though. One, i could have gotten everything i would have ever wanted. Two, i'm so blind i couldn't see somebody lying. Three, i should have met up with someone.

How stupid can i get.

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Time waits for no one.

Damn it.

My Thoughts in Probably About a Thousand Characters

Mood: m-meh
Now Playing: none.

Shhhh, people. can you hear that? that, ladies and gentlemen, was the sound of a thousand or so stupid fricks like me that got their asses handed to them by fate. AGAIN. It's priceless you know; when you think you've finally gotten at least a tiny semblance of control in your life, fate comes in and takes it all away.

I believe in karmic justice. You know, the old shiz that basically says you're going to get screwed eventually for something you did and all that. That's probably why i often have next to nothing qualms about fate shitting on me. I mean, i believe in atonement. Jesus died for our sins so i want at least to pay a fraction of mine in return. The few (okay fine, increasing) moments that i do have qualms, i blog. Or i write on my walls. Or doors. Or i draw. and realize i have no artistic talent, NOOOO

The point is, there are a thousand fricks like me that get their asses handed to them by fate on a daily fucking basis. And fuck, one must answer the question; what the hell did we do?

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If stress was a person then im married to her already. She does not want a divorce. She does not want compensation. She is a bitch. She is a bitch with fangs, nice hair, and - ohmyfuckinggawd - wears weird glasses as a finisher. GAWD. Eveyrbody knows im a sucker for people with weird glasses. No sorry, i don't know why.

And here's the clincher; no matter what the hell i do, i will always end up with her.

askldjasldj. brb, killing myself.

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CONFESSING TO 15 PERSONS.

I guess someday, i'll say all of the below items face to face to the respective people. But for now, spare me this webspace, k? k.


1. You suck,you know that?
2. You know, i had this dream once; you were at my bed, with your hair all tangled up and your drool all over. Carrying two mugs of coffee and a piece of toast in your mouth, you smile and saunter outside, the sunlight hitting your skin like candy. Then i wake up, and i see my ceiling. It's all white and dusty.
3. I really, really, really like you.
4. I'm so sorry. I really am.
5. If guts were spaghetti, i'd eat and vomit yours in a second. I hate you, that's why. Just in case you were wondering.
6. I have no idea what's on your mind. I'd love to know, though. Why? Because you're one of the greatest people i've ever met/
7. You're the glue that keeps us together. Hope you know that.
8. My God, it's like elementary all over again. Me likeys.
9. Thanks. I hope you finish your issues, soon. You deserve a life.
10. Just know that we'd be here for you, mehn. Whatever your battles are. You can cry your eyes out nao.
11. What the hell, i knew it, damnnit! dances-the-i-told-you-so-dance i just knew you were gay the the first time i saw yous! :))
12. You're a bastard. A fucking bastard with fucking bastard coating and bastard fucking filling.
13. I can't be like you.
14. You know, you just keep on getting interesting day by day. I don't know how the hell you do it, but you do. What the hell do you have for breakfast, anyway?
15. Hello, you.

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I was riding this jeepney this monday morning, enjoying the miracle that is a traffic-less road. Then this bitch climbs in and parks herself right beside me. When the jeep roared off, i got a taste of her hair; it was dancing like shit and all that. Plus, she was thumbing through it every 123789123812903890th of a second. What the fucking hell i thought. This bitch is whipping my jaws off. I then contemplated plans to strangle her with her own personal brand of rope; her hair. Where the fuck were you when God granteth thy common sense, woman?

Shutting my lips tight did not help; it went into my eyes and my nose and - ohmygod - my ears. When the time finally came to get off the jeepney, i tried saying "para" with my mouth clamped as tight as possible. Believe me, i tried. I goddamn STRUGGLED to get those words out. Unfortunately, the wind chose that time to blow like some crazed tornado and in a split second i could see her hair billowing out and and and and and and and and....

Mmm. Fruity. Apricots, i presume?


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I need to study. As in not kind of study im used to - i.e. no-studying-at-all-method = but rather the hardcore one, which is the kind of method serious people employ.

I have never been a serious person; i have no idea where to start.

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Dum Spiro, Spero.
While i breathe, i hope.

Probably the one latin phrase that stuck on me since forever.

God help me. Help us.

Venting

Mood: fuckyourass
Now Playing: fuckyourface

i just came from what was possibly the worst day of my life - yes,even more so than the day i slipped and fell down stairs, sprained my goddamn ankle and practically threw into the can a logic quiz i should have passed with fucking flying colors - so it's not surprising if i say that ASHDJKLASHDASJKDHASJKDH I FEEL LIKE FUCK AND PORN AND SIN AND FUCK RIGHT NOW THAT I COULD LITERALLY PUNCH THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE AND FUCKING EAT YOUR FUCKING REMAINS. AND THE BEST FUCKING THING ABOUT IS - WAIT THE FUCK THERE IS NO BEST THING, IS THERE? AND I WISH I COULD RESOLVE THIS BEAUTIFULLY BUT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DAMNIT? AND GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH ALL OF THIS MEANS TO ME BUT THE WAY YOU DO THINGS JUST MAKES IT ALL THE WORSE SO STOP BEING SO KIND AND LET ME MULL THIS OVER AND GET MY HEAD ON STRAIGHT CAUSE HEAVENS KNOWS I NEED THIS LQWEQWEDJHELPASDASKMELDPLEASEJAQWEWQSAVEKLWQEMEJDQWEQWBEFOREKQWELASQWEQWEWQQWEQWIJDKDOLASJDVIRGINIAKLASJDKLAJSKARGG

now don't take this personally, but i hate you for reading this. go away and leave this post alone, and forget that you ever read anything.

I Think You Should Read This

Mood: none
Now Playing: owl city rainbow veins

It was during my return trip to Paranaque, the evening of July 16, 2009, that the streets were completely flooded. Public transport vehicles were stuck and were forced to make a u-turn. Sadly though, the u-turn was miles away from home. Faced with the idea of spending more time in the rain, my friend and I clambered out of the FX and made our steady way home. We finally reached a mall - also completely flooded, what the hell is up with the drainage - and sought refuge for a moment or so.

The next minute, this pink, government-owned bus comes rolling in and offered us measly sheep - i mean commuters - free rides. We made our way inside(and so did a thousand others) and i found myself seated at the very last seats at the back, smack at the aisle. The next second later, i found my face squashed with the backpack of man in front of me, as he kept backing down the aisle into my face. Blast you, backpack man! Break my glasses and there will be bloodshed, i promise.

So anyway, there were two ladies to my immediate left, followed by my friend. To my right, there were these salesmen, i guess, from the shoe department at SM. The guys were yelling at the people still stuck outside in the flood "babaay~ next trip na lang kayo!" in the same jeering voice we use to bullshit our politicians. I was at a loss for words. I mean, we're practically the same, aren't we? Just the same wet, tired, sticky humans. Why go so far as to make fun of other people?

Apparently, the two women to my left thought the same. I later learned that they were both strangers, and both had come from a busy day. "Ah, taga UST ka pala. It's nice to be young" said the one nearest me. "nag aral ako sa FEU dati, kaya alam ko kung paano lumusong sa baha, haha. Masarap ang buhay studyante, masarp. May baon ka. May uuwian. Mamimiss mo rin yan kapag nagtrabaho ka na. Mahirap mag trabaho, mahirap. Madaming babayaran. Pero kailangan, diba? Hindi naman pwedeng hindi ka magtrabaho." She finished, her gaze someplace else.

And maybe it was the light from the bus that casted deep shadows on her face, but at that moment, i saw a person jaded but still determined, to make it out alive. She wore no make-up, nor did she look particularly dazzling. There was even this tired expression painted upon her face. But there was no trace of malice or anger or whatnot there, even though i was sure she was just like the rest of us in that bus - tired, wet, and hungry. All that there was was her determination to the things she could do. I admire that. I mean, how could we believe in the world, when we do not even believe in our own neighbors?

In retrospect, i should have said more things. I should have told her that i was losing my faith in humanity, that i was losing what made me human. Maybe she would have told me a lot of things in return, things that i would use to cheer me out of this dump. Maybe she would have told me how to believe again, to trust in things that are outside one's power. I mean, here was a twenty something woman with a job that seemed to believe in things that i, as a student and a youth, had trouble even considering.

Feeling uncomfortable, i slightly shifted the conversation to more everyday things, like what her work was and such. But inevitably, my thoughts would wander again to what she said. Even as i exited the bus and looked back at them seated at the back, i wonder if the wave i gave them would speak the words i longed to say.

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For now, i'll believe in this conversation, and draw hope and trust from it. I mean, if people can bond together and initiate conversations with utter strangers in the midst of a crisis, then i must assume that people can also bond together, even if the presence of a crisis is zero.

I must.

There. I'm feeling brave already. Wondrous, the human mind really is.

PS.
There are also some things which are bothering me so damn much but as of the moment, i won't be elaborating here. Maybe ill write on the doors again. This sucks.

This Day

Mood: inspired.
Now Playing: owl city, west coast friendship

It was one of those days when the first sound you hear is the sound of pouring rain. In my case, i woke up at the sala, my glasses askew and the litter of last night's attempt at pulling an all-nighter for studying at my feet.

Twas Ray's 18th today, and we were to meet up at a Yellowcab near the university. So, i mixed up two playlists and came up with two cds labeled 'In Atlantis' and 'In the City'. Yeah, i know, my naming skillz suck. But it looked cool nonetheless.from a far far far away glance. Pwhaha.

So anyway, as i left the subdivision at 10 in the morning, there was this big shit of a traffic jam outside. I told myself, what the heck lagi namang traffic eh. oks lang yan.

Akala ko naman, saglit nga lang. So naive.



Yep. All of these happened in the morning. My pants were already wet at the hem and the bastard next to me kept spraying me with spit. at least, i thought it was spit asljdlasjda. So a little bit after the public high, the water was too deep to continue on normal vehicles only. Jeeps and FXs and taxis that stubbornly pushed on only got stuck at the middle of the road.

after a few minutes of aimlessly wandering around the murk waters, this big truck comes rolling in like Lito Lapid.



Hello, Construction Truck. Nevermind as to why nilagyan nila ng seats, i dunno. So anyway, i rode this thing like a boat to get across The Flood. It's unnerving, as everybody was so squished against each other, i can consider myself a rape victim. I mean, there was this stupid bitch that kept pushing her tits on me like shit, even if we were not moving AT ALL. What the hell is up with that?

After passing us safe and dry through the flood (which lasted roughly for about 30 minutes), we were dropped off at someplace dry, where there were already public transpo vehicles. I grabbed an FX and sped off to Manila, where it was effing DRY.

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Ray's debut was amazing. She bought this two huge pizzas and a pasta box for everyone. In retrospect, each pasta box was good for two persons, so we were super super super stuffed. We stayed there for a good part of the afternoon, talking the afternoon away. We gave her a huge bouquet of roses and a bottle of enervon. Yes, i know. And yeah, the two mix cds i gave her. Sooooo, Ray if you're reading this, please know that you're amazing, and we know that you're gonna stay that way forever. Salamat sa lahat. xP Pwahaha. So aun. Happy happy birthday! :D



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Afterwards, Nico, Shan and I decided to go for a round of L4D before going home. A round which lasted for... one and a half hours. :)) pwahahaha. Nico had to leave at around 5, but we decided to continue for a half an hour more. Si shan kasi eh. Napaka bad influence. xP Pwahahha xP

Anyway, when we exited the comp shop, the pavement was gone. It was replaced by murky waters. WHAT THE FUCK, we chorused. WHAT THE FUCK TALAGA.

Oh and Shan opened a bottle of water without paying for it. Tsktsktsk. So... eviiil. =))

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Going home was scary; i almost didn't flag an FX. I met up with Ona at around the post office, he was stuck there for about.. demnit, i forgot. Was it an hour? I dunno.

All of the FXs only went to about Multi, and that's miles away from home. Faced with an act of desperation we decided to walk all the way to SM Sucat, a good miles away from where we were, cause that's where my construction truck trip earlier this morning stopped. So we spent a good deal and a good job getting wetter by the minute. Umbrellas were useless; the wind kept blowing a good deal of rain on our faces. ARG. Haha.

When we finally got to SM to hitch a ride on the construction truck, it became clear that a thousand others thought the same thing. We looked just about the same, too, as we were drenched to the bone.

Then suddenly, this huge bus came rolling along with huge letters on it's side ANG BUS NI BERNABE. I dunno what that was, but i guess it's a program that offers free transportation. COOLY.



And so with that, i managed to get home, after a grueling 3 hour travel trip. aslkdjalsjd. Haha.

I realized a lot of things this day, and im gonna post it later. I dunno. I just feel like i've finally hit on something, and it's a feeling i hope i would not forget

PS. lol. i've just realized i've posted so many pics. lol.

My Neighbors

Mood: wtf
Now Playing: saltwater room, owl city.

Something is wrong with them, i swear. I woke up from a nap, fully refreshed. I rolled out of bed and started groping for my glasses when ka bam! The first notes of a ballroom song from the 80s hit me like shit. I scramble up and dart for the balcony to see where the source is coming from and bam. It's from the apartment TWO houses down the street. TWO FUCKING HOUSES. DOWN THE FUCKING STREET.

WHAT.
THE.
HELL.

5:06 EDIT.

Okay, so im supposed to confirm an interview with Joel Cruz from Aficionado. I called in earlier this afternoon, and they told me to call in at 5. lolwtfdunno. My voice is still effing croaky, i hope they understand me.

5:11
Okaaaaaaay. So i have to call on Monday, don't ask why. But on Monday, i have to leave home by 7, and my last class is chemlab, which is on 7 pm. Hot damn. This is why i don't like talking with people. We're just so.. vague. There's no other term for it. I should know; im probably one of the vaguest people around.

Monday, Fridays, and the Things that Happened in Between

Mood: okay okay.
Now Playing: finally found the time to listen to stella. good song. will reflect on it more later.

MONDAY
Stayed in bed the whole day. Thought i had the Flu so i made up a mental list of ways to die. Come to think of it, i also made a mental list of doughnut flavors i'd like to taste in a cinema. Sigh. The things people do when boredom strikes.

Drank too many liquids. I think im still sweating all the water i drank. Slept too much, too. I'm now having trouble falling asleep. It's amazing.

Also, twas the day my throat started effing hurting. HURTING. It hurts just to say a single word, and i cough like crazy everytime i breathe. Damn.

TUESDAY
I honestly cannot remem Had this quiz in educ psych. Didn't review much; i don't like how she teaches anyway. So aun. Im betting i got lower than low scores. But anyway, when class was finally over and people started flocking to the exits, Bren slams the teacher's table hard, an expression i guess of how the day is finally over and shit.

I slam the table with my educ psych book too, about to join in the process of cheering and complaining when the professor suddenly wheels around and sees me, up in the platform, an educ psych book in one hand, and the sound of two very loud noises in her ears. She calls me over and all i can think of goes like this:

Prof: So why did you bang your book on the table?
Me: My book was heavy mam, so i threw it on the table as i made my way across the platform. One cannot, after all, pass through the flock of people moving towards the door.
Prof: Are you angry?
Me: Mam?
Prof: Are you angry?
Me: N-no.. why should i be angry?
Prof: That's why im asking you.
Me: N-no... i wasn't angry.
Prof: Then why did you bang the table twice?
Me: adjaksljkdjasdjskd.

WEDNESDAY
Org fair today. Was supposed to be at the college at 8 in the morning to help set up everything. Arrived at half past... ten. Ohwellpapel. This year's org fair was with the theme of fiestas. CSJ picked Penafrancia (the one where the Virgin Mary walks on water, sorry i don't really know(yeah, i know im sinful)), so that's how we rolled.

Weird weather that day. The sun was effing hot, BUT it rained like shit. Saw Kevin Anne by the way. Paxter na pala siya, lol. Ndi ko alam. I am so efffing outdated.

Didn't catch the first day of the org fair. Had to go to a 1 pm class. Rest of the day passed in relative calm.

THURSDAY
2nd day of org fair. Was tasked to hold the fort from 8-10 in the morning. Arrived at 9-ish, i dunno the real time. Anyway, saw ate Eji at the booth already. Grabbed copies of the Mirage and tried to convince/bully/seduce(?!) freshmen into joining.

Which ended miserably. As i were in Monday, my voice was completely HOARSE. I couldn't utter a single sentence without grimacing in pain. I probably looked like the senior from hell.

FRIDAY
Studied for chemlab quiz. ARRG. Was also supposed to interview the Dean or the secretary or the buildings and ground committee, but i got up late, and as a result, was late for the third time for SCL class. Great. I opened the door, and there was this thick silence, i knew something was up. And there was; some shit about people not having (e.g. me) the proper handouts. Good thing the professor was very forgiving and gave us another chance.

We were dismissed earlier at chemlab today. Hung out at KFC after. I bought a Mcdo large fries, and wasted a lot of them; my effing throat just couldn't handle it, man. Around 7, we left KFC and sat at the new benches near the quad fountain.

Realized a lot of things this Friday. Probably the most important one taking the form of a warning i used to say to myself: blessed are the hearts that bend, for they will never be broken. blessed be also the minds that are on the lookout, for they will never be trampled upon.

Also, this draft i saved in my phone a few hours ago;

truth be told, i like riding an fx at night, mga around 8 or 9 pm. Not only because of the fact the streets are clean but also of the fact that intimacy can exist between strangers.

You have an idea how their bones feel; it probably aches just as much as yours do. But of course, your problems are your own, and it takes a little imagination to guess what theirs are.