Mood:(s)paced out
Now Playing: imago, sundo
done over a span of a week and a half. yeah, i know. late post is late, but what the hell.
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So this year's theme was countries or something, and CSJ got the Germany ticket. I only know three things German: Kuya Rudy, beer and the Berlin Wall. And of course, let's not forget Hitler, so that puts my German list up to four. Still not a reasonable amount, i know right, but hey, whatever sticks, right?
This whole org affair lasted from Monday to Wednesday, and in that amount of time, we're supposed to reel in fresh and talented writers from the throng of unknown faces. It's a hard task, since i have reason to believe that writers are naturally timid people who speak with their pen and keyboard, not with their mouths. OR they're the complete opposite and be like this whizzing balls of energy ricocheting everywhere. Anyway, bottom line is, there's practically no middle ground, and it's hard to get them to join our happy org wagon.
There are a lot of things i'm just not meant to do, and i guess this is one of them. To reel in freshmen, I was standing here one moment and then off in a hurry the next. The heat was getting to me and there were an incredibly huge amount of people (who were not freshies) shouting and screaming "JOIN OUR ORG! JOIN OUR ORG!" so freaking hysterically that it was just plain fucking ridiculous. I'm sorry and i know it's just probably me and another streak of weirdness, but we're freaking sophies and juniors and senior students of the college of science, dude. Not some flea-bitten, fish-flipping shipdip on the market on a hot Sunday afternoon. It was just somewhat overboard, and frankly, it didn't help to add to the noise and the heat.
And let me tell you one thing; it just plain fucking sucked to be ignored. No one likes to be ignored, espescially when all you have to do is just smile and say "no thanks". Heck, I'll probably smile at you back (and curse you under my breath, but that's just me). I mean, what the hell did i do? I was just fucking trying to ask if you'd like a magazine. And i'm fucking smiling and people should know it's hard for me to smile and it's bad for my health to smile for a long time and then huh? Dedma langs? Nyay, sorry. Importante ka pala.
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I sort of had an epiphany this morning, as i rolled over and over in my bed. The thing is, we're all human beings by default, but it takes a lot more than just existing to become a person.
I remember spewing back in highschool that we're lucky to even exist. Like how compared to a rock, we're infinitely much better because we have the seat of emotions and logic on our side and we're capable of being aware of ourselves and our existence. Not unlike a rock, of course which will never feel a thing if we crack one open.
Now i revise; we're lucky to be existing, but we have the capability to be luckier than that. We can become someone. It takes a lot of courage to seek what we really want to be, and even more of it to take a hold of it for yourself. But once taken by the hem, it's ridiculously rewarding. I've seen this happen to a lot of friends and people in my life, but it never fails to amaze me. There's this guy who knows what he wants after college, and he is currently doing everything he can to reach it. There's this friend who knows that she wants to write, so she joins in this awesome programs and contests and seminars, and what-have-you. And still, there's another who believes in what he wants to be (although circumstance and other people's opinions say otherwise),and strives to achieve it. It's amazing, what more can i say? I want that. I want to realize what i really want to be. I tell people that i want to be a professor and a dad, but i'm not really sure if i want all that, y'know? I'm never sure about things, but i was hoping that in this question, in this manner, i would be sure about it.
Yeah, i know i suck. I just realized all of this a few hours ago. So now i think the more important question is: what the hell must we do to find this reason?
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So yesterday i watched one of my friends in a judo practice session, and i was like "whoa" the whole time. And it was the good kind of "whoa", the kind that you do when your friend flips this large guy that's easily taller than him.
In a way, it was like watching a cockfight. We were behind this screen or something, looking at these bunch of people (both men and ladies) flip each other over. We walked off somewhere for a while, and when we come back, we see all of them doing these cool-down excercises that looked like, well, not cool-down excercises. They looked more like warm-ups to me, but i guess that's only because i know nothing of the art.
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I met a lot of people this week, and it's pretty cool. I don't get to meet people that often, because apparently, a lot of them find me.. too weird. loljk, i dunno. I'm just not a people person; i think it's the dad side in me.
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II
So i got a message from someone this week, and it honestly GMH. I've been complaining about this for months now, about y'know, how we try so hard to find... things. And i think it's fair to say that to find things, we need to start moving ourselves, to grasp into that blanket of nothingness and trust that there will be indeed a hand waiting for ours on the other side of that nothingness. And i admit, it's a terrifying thought. But what can you do? Lost things need to be found, and who better to find your own lost things but, well, yourself?
I think i have something more to say regarding this subject, but again, im out of HP and MP, so.
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Mahirap maglaro ng taguan. Lalo na't sa gabi tayo naglalaro. Bawat kaluskos, bawat tunog, bawat yapak ng paa, ang sa yo lamang ang inaabangan. At kahit na nakakatakot maghagilap sa kadilimang ito, hindi ako mangangamba o madadapa. Bakit? Dahil alam kong ikaw ang kasama ko.
sana lang makita na kita kaagad.
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