Circle, Circle

Mood: afraid and sleepy.
Currently listening to: matchbook romance, promise.

i know, i know. hiatus has been officially declared. it's just that i've finally found a great word to summarize what i've been feeling. it's shell. i know. it sounds so stupid. but i dunno. i just don't want to interact with a lot of people right now. i don't want to talk much. i just want to think - of what i've been doing, of what i plan on doing, of what i've done. it's a quite funny, actually. i just want to wrap myself in a shell and close off to the world to do some long put off thinking.

my problem is, whenever i try and think... it always circles, you know? all of my thoughts circle, in a beautiful and sad way, back to you.

i think i've said in my last post that we're all broken inside. i guess that's probably the most meaningful thing i've said in a while. people may not look like it, but it's pretty evident actually. in the train, fx or jeep, notice an ordinary person's eyes, and you'll see how much all of us are battered in the inside. how much pain we have withstood to get where we are now, how scratches and dried-up wounds decorate our knees and hands, how we cried during the most painful of days, and how we tried forgetting, all in vain.

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fear. i have had enough of it. i just want to curl up and lay down forever. i want to believe in life. i really want to. i want to see how all of this ends up. i want assurance. i want to get back on my feet and run. i want to.. step foot again in this fairytale and plant my feet deep in the grass and breathe. just.. breathe.

i've had enough of it. i just want to breathe as easily as i once did.

Declaring Hiatus

Mood: stressed, but still.. i dunno.
Currently listening to: mayday, bump of chicken

im officially declaring hiatus. i dunno when it will end. heck i'm not even sure why im under so much. but i guess if i have to point out a reason.. i think it'd be the fact that change is a very powerful tide, and i don't have the means to swim across it any more.

no, im not dying, nor am i entertaining any thoughts of suicide.

im just a little broken on the inside, just like all of us.

Reaksyon

Mood: pissed off.
Currently listening to: none.

(uh. excessive cuss words on the way)

im so fucking pissed right fucking now. i just saw a forum ONLINE dissing sas. teka ah.



- nag bayad naman kme ng kompleto para sa fieldtrip peo bkt parang tinipid ung bus??? halo halo tuloy mga section...
wla png wenta ung field trip, ndi worth it...

--> tangina ang bobo mo naman. magbasa ka nga ng dyaryo o manood ka ng tv. antayin mo ang presyo ng gasolina ah, tsaka ang mga balita tungkol sa pamahalaan.



-high quality education dw an ine`aim nan skul c0,pero mukang high quantity pocket money ata an tlgang aim nan skul co ihh.! apaka`mmahal nan mga binebenta tas an mhal nan tuition fee,eeh di co nmn mkita ung sense nan increase nan tuition fee every year.! damn it.! anu un.? pti skul,may VAT.? taeng yan.

--> kasama sa binabayaran ng paaralan ang kuryente, tubig, sangkap pang luto at maintenance. lahat ng mga nabanggit ay may EVAT. at grabe ah. paki ayos naman sulat mo mehn. no offense ah. pero grabe eh.



-nag HIRE sila ng Teacher na akala mo naman College na kme!hellooooo High School p lng kme!!
--> puta ang bobo mo rin. okay nga un eh. tangina. kesa naman sa wala kang alam sa kolehiyo diba? alam mo ba ang karapatan mo? tangina pwede ka namang makipagtalo(pota wag kang mamilosopo) o makiusap ah.



-ano ung Sense kung bkt pnaghiwalay ang Babae at Lalaki sa HS?!.helllooooo!!L-)
-galing ako sa andrus.. potek wala pang babae hiwalay sama nyo babae sa lalaki para babalik ako sa andrus

--> maski ako man, hindi pabor. ang nakikita ko lamang na mga dahilan ay upang makapagaral ng wasto ang bawat estudyante at upang maiwasan ang kung ano mang masamang mangyayari.

pero, kung ayaw mo, e di lumipat ka. pootek. laki laki ng problema mo eh. mamatay utak mo niyan. tangina babaero/lalakero. ayan ang klase ng tao na ayoko sa lahat eh. ang puso ng tao ay hindi lamang puro laman. hindi ito gawa sa hayok.



-WALA NA SI J****N SANTILLAN AT J***E VERGARA! YUN UN EH =)))))))))))))

--> tangina sayang lang sa space.



-ginagawa nga nilang high-quality ang andrews, sa MALING PARAAN! tangina!
last periodic prang nadoble bayad..ka lolongtest lng periodic n agad!!tpos xame month pro bukod ang bayad?!kurakot!.

--> edi kausapin ninyo STUDENT GOVERNMENT! aukong mabadtrip. pero namaaan.
para malaman kung saan napunta ang mga binayaran ninyo. malay mo, mali talaga ang paaralan. o ha.



bwct.! san andres palengke dpt pangalan nan skul c0.! >:|

--> para mo na ring pinatay hindi lamang ang sarili mo, kung di ang lahat ng iniyakan ang kanilang mga proyekot, sumayaw sa mga sayawan, umibig at nasaktan, nalungkot, umuwi ng sobrang gabi na.

tinapakan mo lamang ang dignidad ng lahat ng mga taong nagsikap na makapagtapos sa paaralang yan. tinapakan ang lahat ng alaala ng lahat ng taong nagsilabas pasok sa mga pintuan ng bawat klase.

grabe ah.


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http://www.theandreans.org/index.php?topic=296.0

Masyadong Madaming Drama ang Buhay

Mood: melancholic. meh. the same as always, i guess.
Currently listening to: feeling a moment, feeder.

kay tibay, at kay lambot ng puso ng tao. ewan. nakakamangha.

maraming nangyari kahapon, pero siguro sa sunod na araw ko na lang ikwekwento, kung ikwekwento ko man.

haaay. bakit ba ang daming drama ng buhay?

Honey, Ain't That Nice

Mood: hanging
Currently listening to: breathe, anberlin

i don't know what im feeling. rofl. it's depression, and anxiety, and happiness, and boredom. i think this is what people say as falling into a rut. i can't move forward, and i can't move backwards either. well. it's not like i wanted to, anyway.

i have a ton of work piled up.

stop.

the above statement shows how much i have matured, ne? i now regard stuff as work. it's funny. there's a term for this. jaded i think. but then again, no. that's concerned with waiting.

in a sense, yeah. i guess i AM waiting. but i know it's just another one of those loong waits that never seem to end. just another wait. nothing special, i guess.

im also bored. i know, i should not be. it's just that the days seems so monotonous. time... is like useless lumps of water. no, not water. more like ketchup. it's in big dollops that fall splat splat all over the pavement.

is this really what it's like growing up? im not sure. i haven't felt this before.

or maybe i have.

im downloading a dashboard confessional album. i know, i know. it won't help me get over this... whatever this is. but anything is better than remaining stagnant.

and hey, look. i accidentally pressed a key on the keyboard, and a window popped up. it says Help and Support Center.

now if it only it included a topic with feelings and emotions.

which reminds me. i have to study for general psychology. ain't that nice.

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i know i don't sound like im making sense.

that makes two of us. ye. apir.

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hey, i this post is veee-ry.. imagery. great. just when im not in the mood to write, there it goes.

Slowbro

Mood: bleh
Currently listening to: meruto, vocaloid hatsune miku version.

for this week, concrete.
1. finish theo project
2. study for muscle exam, zoolab
3. accomplish asst dean interview on monday, contact margaret soberano for details
4. download albums
5. finish yume nikki(dream diary)
6. adobe. thanks goes to rb for this.

for this week, abstract.
1. decide.
2. wait.
3. plan.

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shiiit. ndi ko pa natatapos full metal ni nicolaaaaaaa. if you're reading this, waa. sorry. xP

Mga Kuwentong FX

Mood: WTF face, on.
Currently listening to: don't wait, dashboard confessional

kuwentong fx. haha. magandang pangalan. baka gamitin ko ito sa mga susunod na mga blog)(kung gagawa man ako ng panibago). salitang balbal ang gagamitin ko dito. para astig. ganito ako magkwento. kadalasan, may mura. kadalasan, patungkol sa mga nakita ko't naisip sa mga paglalakbay.

kuwentong fx.

noong lunes, putangina. ang nasakyan kong fx ay sagad sa buto ang musika. matutuwa na sana ako. KASO. ang kanyang musika ay puro butete. Butete. yung kanta. shiit. paulit paulit pa. kung meron mang break, isang kanta lang. ung payong ata ang tawag sa kantang yon. ung may lyrics na "hindi na, hinde, hinde, hinde". basta ginaya na kanta ni rihanna. ung negrang magaling sa video, mejo hindi kagalingan sa live.

so aun. butete. pooootek. na memorize ko na ng tuluyan ang ilan sa lyrics nito.

ug hatinggabii, iinbayt mi ug bertdi
(ug bertdi)
sa partii, may handang butiti
(butiti)
waka'y baloou, makahilo
(lo, lo, lo, lo)

i swear. dumuuugo ang utak ko nun. sakto pa naman, ang init sa loob ng fx. naluto ang aking descending fiber tract of V, ang cerebellar peduncles at ang aking cortico-bulbar fibers. pati ang aking mga cardiac muscles ay nag overtime.

bumili nga pala ako ng pamaypay noong nakaraang huwebes. kulay orange, na may design na kulay blue na tren tsaka stars. pambata, alam ko. pero ang cute eh.

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kanina, sumakay ako sa harap ng fx. sa may passenger seat talaga. ang sama ng katabi ko amp. inangkin ung 70% ng upuan. nakita ko ang ayos ng kanyang legs, ang laki ng agwat, kaya nasakop niya ang higit sa kalahati ng maliit na upuan.

kaya ako naman na nasa may stick(ano ba ang tawag dun? haha), ipit na ipit. kaya pati tuloy si manong driver nahihirapan sa pag change ng gears. muntik na kaming masagasaan.

bumaba siya ng zapote. lalaki nga pala siya, nakasalamin, siguro nasa late 40's na siya at may suot na blue long sleeves. may bigote tsaka gold na watch sa kanang kamay. walang dalang gamit.

mukhang empleyado. ordinaryong tao lamang, nagtratrabaho siguro naman ng matiwasay. may wedding ring. siguro may tatlo o apat na anak.

ordinaryong tao lamang. katulad ko. ngunit hindi man lamang niya inintindi na may nahihirapan na kanyang mga ginagawa.

ganyan ba ang ordinaryo? kung oo, potek. ayoko na maging ordinaryo.

Viscera

Mood: creaaaaaative, and sarcastic.
Currently listening to: an untranslated song by nobuo uematsu.

waha. i so have a lot of things to finish for the night. graaabe. i can't believe how much stacked up over just one freaking day. im going ballistic, and i'm not saying it in a figurative way.

to illustrate, i have..

1) a theo movie to make,
2) a ridiculously long SA chapter outlines to answer,
3) a feature article on two diseased professors,


and while im doing all of these things, i'll try and push a memory out of my system. you know; the whole "bury-thyself-in-work" therapy.

hey.

im feeling better already.

naaah. who am i kidding?

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im still living in the past, in more ways than one.

anyways, gotta go. something smells awfully good.

ps.

charizard+kadabra+cubone+pidgeot, FOR THE WIN. :D

A Hint of Depression and Nostalgia

Mood: shitty
Currently listening to: begin, ben lee.

yeeea. i'm doing a movie report again, and a pretty long(compared to the 10min ones) one at that. it's for theo101, and i think it's going to be reaal hard, cause it's been a while since i've handled something like this, the last one being a report on the cold war.

so you can guess my apprehension and excitement(i guess)right now. which reminds me, i till have to download a movie maker program, since for some reason, i cannot find windows movie maker here at my desktop. great.

here's a picture of all the actors.(actors, rofl)
i kinda like this picture, since i think it brings out a certain "drama" feel to it. lol. or maybe that's just me.

and ohshit, my hair.

what the hell happened to it? it looks.. uh. organized. and my hair is never organized, lol.

ohwell. shit happens, i guess.


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yesterday, i also had my first college interview about two professors dying in such a short span of time. and in a week's time, a feature must be born. rofl.

ohnoes, i have yet to learn again the sacred art of feature-writing.

and yeah, today's the BLG concert, and i'm not going. :) idunno. it feels sort of okay, i guess, that im missing out on an international band's free concert. i dunno why, but i feel at peace.

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by the way, i found an old(aww, old.) courier picture somewhere in my pictures folder.

lol. to all the courier graduates... naah. hi, i guess. these photos were for our id, and rofl. thanks for giving the ids early. (cue sarcasm)

anyway, saving the world one article at a time. i believed that back then. maybe yeah, in the back of my mind, there was this doubt, as to whether what i was doing really mattered to anyone.

i guess "no" would be majority's answer. to hell with youuu.

rofl. im not talking about saving others. though it would be nice to save a confused kid, or at the very least help alleviate some of his burdens, the chances of that happening is pretty slim.

but looking back, it DID matter. at least to me.

by the way, guess where i am. rofl. :))

. . .

yap. smack bang in the center. sabi nga ni rb, cheers to life and it's stupidities.

Just Like Humans Do

Mood blank
Currently listening to: don't wait, dashboard confessional

here's what happened last monday.

eng101a professor, on her lesson about stating your opinion.

"will you wait until somebody calls you?"

yours truly, sitting at the back, silently.
"yeah, i will"

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i dunno. i know it's way out of my professor's context. but it just drifted into my mind, you know. i believe in destiny. or rather, i want to believe in destiny.

the japanese have this belief, you know. that there is an invisible red string tied around your pinky finger that ends, tied at your destined one's pinky finger too.

your destined one. your fated one. it sounds really cool. it loops around all things the strings stretching along the many miles that divide you with your destiny.

i've always wanted to believe in destiny, ever after and happy endings. but i guess it's out of fashion nowadays.

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i'm laughing a lot right now. i just my english homework due for tomorrow. it's to answer page 159 of the workbook. when i flipped to the said page, here's what it said.

"list down five personal qualities, in the order of importance which you might consider in choosing a date. compare your opinions/beliefs with those of your seatmate. state the reaons for your ranking using the expressions you have just learned. you may include the qualities you find below or you may think of your own. then one of you will share with the class what transpired during your discussion"

astig. ROFL.

The Saddest Songs

Mood: silent.
Currently listening to: calling all cars, senses fail

hmm. today is insignificant monday. i already feel like curling up and hibernating for a few weeks - doing nothing but sleeping. hardcore.

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general psychology says that there are four stages of sleep, and at the end of the fourth stage, REM occurs for a short time. The cycle then happens again, but this time, in backward progression; it starts at the 4th stage and ends at the 1st. At the end of the 1st stage, REM occurs again. This cycle repeats again. Every cycle is approximately an hour or so.

and since in an average human sleep the cycle occurs twice, meaning, in an average night, there are four REM stages.

four freaking dreams. my gen psych prof tells me that the dream you recall is the most recent dream, the dream you had from the last turn of the cycle.

meaning, i forget three dreams every night. great.

but of course, this is all speculation. even i didn't want to believe in it, at first. but it eerily makes sense, and i haven't talked to anyone about it.

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the greatest parts about being a human are also the hardest parts of being one. i mean, yeah. the whole "alive" package is a good deal. you get to experience at least a taste of life. but in the said life, you suffer, stumble, cry and ultimately die in the process of "living"

the other good thing is identity. yeah, i'm not just talking about your name, or your family. it's everything you are. at first it sounds so easy; you just live and boom. you have an identity.

but the hard part comes when you're in doubt about who you really are. and if you think you know who you are, think again. what exactly lies deep beneath the pile of media norms? what exactly lies underneath the coverings you dress yourself with?

it sucks, i know. what is you and what is not?

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i don't know who i am anymore. it's a pretty scary thing. but im not going mad nor am i going into another state of induced depression. it's just that i think i have lost a part of me, and i just don't know what. it's infuriating.

it's like leaving the house early in the morning. you mentally check yourself if you have everything you need. sometimes, you even open up your bag and examine the contents. at some point, you are satisfied and ride a vehicle to reach a destination, say school.

while in the aforementioned vehicle, it suddenly dawns on you that you HAVE forgotten something, and it is of important value. you mentally kick yourself, a feeble attempt to rack your memories.

but you fail. miserably, at that.

get it? good. that's what i feel right now; like i have lost something awfully important, but i just can't get a grip on what the heck it is. argh.

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"...well as for now, i'm gonna hear the saddest songs..."