Mood: geeky, with a dash of melancholy thrown in.
Now Playing: after hours, we are scientists
I can't seem to sleep. Yeah, it's still 9 in the evening, but for once, i want to sleep early. Yeah, i know. Pretty flkasjdking weird, right? It's not that i have nothing better to do; on the contrary, there's a ton of things i should be doing right now. But what pushes me to want sleep even though my body doesn't need it is something which is unfathomable, and it eats me whenever i close my eyes. It's like there's this gaslight inside your head, and it casts such a deep dark shadow on everything that it makes it hard to see clearly. And, trust me, it's not that i like drama and all that shit, it's just.. ugh. It just comes, y'know.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I once hoped that i'd suddenly have multiple personality disorder. Yeah, i know it's a disease,and pathologically unsound, and i know i'm imperfect and fugly already. But hey, ever since i was little, i kept my ears open, hoping that i'd have this voice inside me that i could just talk to and get insights from, and whenever there's a need to be, push that other persona on to my consciousness while i take a seat back and relax in my subconscious. I think i wanted 6 personalities, each representing a facet of my original personality; geeky, wrathful, melancholic, sinful, happy-go-lucky, fearful, with a seventh personality as the original me. We'd have different names so that people won't get confused and learn how to deal with each persona. And it'd be fun times.
Don't get me wrong; i'm not crazy nor do i want your pity or any of your faux kindness. And yes, I do know that it's wrong to wish imperfections, esp. on to myself, and that it's wrong to be discontented with what God gave me. But seeing as im already made up of so many strange and weird imperfections than most people do already, i guess another one wouldn't hurt, would it?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My gums are feeling better already; though it feels pretty fulkdacking weird to reach my tongue up there and not feel my wisdom tooth; but rather the aftereffects of stitching. It's pretty cool by the way; i now have a vial containing a piece of what i eat with. Cooly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 6th, 2010:
I remember this conversation a few years back. One of my friends once told me that what i see and what she sees are fundamentally different; i see imperfections and mud, she sees individuality and uniqueness. And while i revel in this mud like a stick left to wallow in it forever, she celebrates this uniqueness and does nothing to stop it from flowing out. And i guess it's kind of depressing why im not made like that, y'know, that certain mindset of hers. And what's even more depressing is knowing how hard the path to that redemption is, and how impossible it is for me to achieve a fraction of that brilliance. It's like im this huge moon and she's this huge sun and she gives these brilliance that i can only hope to imitate but to never call my own. And it fucking sucks.
I know im not destined for greatness, for prominence or for glory and any other cookie-cutter rewards. I suck, and i hate people, though not necessarily both at the same time. It's always been there and it always will be; the feeling that deep down inside, you'll never get to be the hero. It's infuriating to realize this, and even more so to have it rubbed in your face. It feels even worse - yes my life just keeps getting better and better - when the hands that rub it in are the hands that i'll probably never escape from.
