We just called Dad, wishing him a happy Father's Day. It was the usual stuff, really. He scolded me on how to be a man, basically underlining, bold writing and capitalizing the typical man stereotype.
When he was speaking with baka-nee, it hit me. How much of him do i really remember?
Dad works overseas, y'see. He spends a a month every six months to come home and visit us. This was how i remember him from my childhood. In my eyes back then he was like a stranger visiting regularly. A stranger, yes. But i somehow knew that i should love this guy.
I'm not really complaining. Well, not that much. It just seems that he has spent greater of his life away from me, and i find it hard to connect with him.
I admit, it has not been exactly smooth sailing with us, especially his gripe about how i should live my life. But... there's no doubt that i still want him to be in my life, in a more personal circle. Heck, in the aforementioned telephone conversation, it was hard for me to talk to him(that's because he was scolding me all the time), what more if the conversation was done in person? Oh the Hell.
I dunno. It just seems a little unfair for him; for his offspring to have so few memories of him. If i were to be a dad, i'd want to be with my daughters and sons everyday. Maybe it's pity; this emotion i feel. Or maybe it's a sort of a "men thing". Or just plain old son's love.
I'm tired of the cycle. I try to connect. He tries too. I can see that, and i love him for it. But his idea of connection; bonding over construction work. You might be asking, "what the hell? construction shit?"
Like dismantling the the iron rungs of our basketball hoop(over 8 feet is my guess. Lampas lampas pa sa akin. Pos i'm 5 ft something). And then gunning open a decrepit generator, for 6(x) times.
Of course, i use up energies to do those stuff, and i get pissed off when i see my other siblings eating loliies or watching the telly. That fucking ticks me off. Reader's Digest actually confirmed my worst fears; middle children are usually neglected and become the black sheeps. BS.
And because i'm pissed off, things are kept bottled up. Bottled up till i get nightmares and stuff about it.
I'm weak. I acknowledge that fact. And perhaps because of that, i can be stronger. Perhaps. Just a perhaps.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tomorrow's my classes. *smiles* finally. I can get the introductions over with. Arigato yo, Kamisama.
2 comments:
happy father's day ding.
*still waiting for ding's so-called chatbox.*
i guess it's really hard wanting to be with someone who you can't be with. what makes it harder is the fact that that person is family.
well, you know, scolding is basically the older people's way of expressing their love, which for us is weird. hmm.
oh well.
p.s. my new nihongo professor has killed me like 2 times already X0. i hope your profs don't do the same.
Post a Comment