February

Mood: tired, but i just can't sleep
Now Playing: Marching On, One Republic

This is another long overdue post. I have yet to talk about how my year started, but as of now, what i want to focus is on my February. This is, by far, the most taxing February i have ever had the fortune to land on, and i think it has drained my reserves of qualities i never knew i had in me.

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To start off, i believe the most apt description of my February is how my values and beliefs were all shaken apart, only for a lot of people to pick up the pieces and make it whole again. I have never taken the time to examine the quality of friendship, and it took me quite a long time to redefine my concepts of it.

Where does friendship even begin, anyway?

From my experience, it always begins with a very small step - minuscule, in my case. Then you gradually notice things about the person; like the way they tuck their hair behind their ears or the way their pinkies salute the air when they drink. Sometimes it's good to notice. Sometimes... it's not. Sometimes, you take note of things that are just enough to peel away a tiny part of your skin - and it is painful. Questions such as why, and how often has it been this week seep out of it. But then you dismiss it as something trivial and chalk it instead to friendship. Accidents happen, anyway.

However, there comes a time that there's no more skin left to peel off and it just feels so raw, and well, so damn hurting.

It took me a long time to realize this fully, but there are some things which are just too much. And getting used to it only makes things worse, because you just can't confront hurt when you're just accepting it as fact all the time.

But does this mean the end of bonds, of connections? It only builds you up and eat you inside - hurting, i mean. And from it, rises the question of whether you'll all survive this.

Normally, i would have said that i have no answer; that i'm as confused as all of you about stuff like this.

Truth is, i've changed. I guess we all have. Someone once told me the importance of belief. Most of life, really, is a big gamble. You have no assurance of anything whatsoever, and it's really dangerous to make promises that you can't keep. But that, she taught me, is when belief kicks in. She told me that we've all got to stop being cynics. Just... believe. We're all jaded, tired of waiting for better things to come that in the end, we just stopped believing that things will get better. There is no cure for this except to just believe in each other. Things like trust, faith and belief all used to just be the words in a spelling bee, or when you have to describe something totally ordinary. Now, it's a reminder of so many memories i find myself to be really fond of.

We've all got our ball, we've all got our chain. We're all moving at a snail's pace. But still. We're getting there. And we're getting there good.