Safe Harbor pt I

Mood: alright
Now Playing: skinny love, bon iver

Oh hello, blogspot. I'm really sorry for neglecting you so. A lot of things have happened since I last wrote here, and I've really been meaning to write down things... its just hard to pen the moments, you see?

March 
In the weeks preceding graduation, people were nicer, friendlier, funnier and generally more nostalgic. Graduation goggles, anyone? It can be quite difficult differentiating what really happened from what people felt happened. I'm pretty guilty myself. I've written two letters addressed to the future me, you see. And i've read one of them already. What was I thinking, indeed.

From the letter:

"... I've been thinking, and if you're reading this then this means that you need to; and I have only a few things to say to you, my future self. Don't be afraid to make mistakes with people. They will inevitably do things that will make no sense, that will make you bleed from the inside and they will be just so infuriating. But still. Do not be afaid... [sic] "

April 
Graduation day was far from what my 10-year old self pictured. For one thing, there was no confetti, nor hats thrown in the air or doves flying by the hundreds. But one thing he did got right was the huddle at the end, and the feeling you get on your stomach when you're in freefall.

I have never felt so many conflicting emotions at the same time. We're all in one piece, yep. But at the same time, it was the end of a long-trudged road; we were at the end of the road after many decisions and shit, but we didn't reach the same spot at the same time. It actually is pretty hard and sad for me to say this, as I understand this is quite the sensitive subject. But please allow me some room for apologies, if needed. I'm typing without pausing, thinking without braking.

People talk about the experience of graduation itself. They seldom talk about how it feels afterward. It feels like shit. Then, gradually, it gets better before it reverts to shit again. I keep thinking of how much similar it is to a diver walking the plank at 20 feet up.  People egg you to go on, and when you finally do make the leap, there is much cheering and stuff. But the similarities end there. With the diver, it starts the moment he jumps from the board and ends with him breaking the water's surface. At that moment, he finishes. He's done. He can go home now. Graduation starts the moment it starts, and ends the moment it ends, but you haven't really broken the surface of the water yet. You're still in free fall. You thought the leap was the end of it, but it turns out you're just beginning.

May 
If April was a milkshake of feelings, May was the bland taste of water after the ungodly swirl of milkshake flavors that was April. Plans were made and remade at the last minute, people kept saying they missed each other terribly and things were broken and mended at the same time. I think I thought of a lot of things at this time, that I inadvertently hurt myself just by thinking some stuff, too. Overthinking, you will be the death of me.

People kept pestering me to get the needed mature stuff: NBI clearance, SSS and all those other government stuff. I spent most of they day in my room, sleeping. If I could have, though, nothing would please me more than to shout at their faces "I DO NOT FUCKING WANT TO FUCKING DO ANYTHING."

We all finally got together on the last day of May, almost dawning on June. It was as random and fun as ever, and there are lots of memories I'd like to keep on remembering for a good chunk of time. It felt awfully familiar. Tagaytay was cold; I couldn't help but shiver for a bit on the way home.