The Saddest Songs

Mood: silent.
Currently listening to: calling all cars, senses fail

hmm. today is insignificant monday. i already feel like curling up and hibernating for a few weeks - doing nothing but sleeping. hardcore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

general psychology says that there are four stages of sleep, and at the end of the fourth stage, REM occurs for a short time. The cycle then happens again, but this time, in backward progression; it starts at the 4th stage and ends at the 1st. At the end of the 1st stage, REM occurs again. This cycle repeats again. Every cycle is approximately an hour or so.

and since in an average human sleep the cycle occurs twice, meaning, in an average night, there are four REM stages.

four freaking dreams. my gen psych prof tells me that the dream you recall is the most recent dream, the dream you had from the last turn of the cycle.

meaning, i forget three dreams every night. great.

but of course, this is all speculation. even i didn't want to believe in it, at first. but it eerily makes sense, and i haven't talked to anyone about it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the greatest parts about being a human are also the hardest parts of being one. i mean, yeah. the whole "alive" package is a good deal. you get to experience at least a taste of life. but in the said life, you suffer, stumble, cry and ultimately die in the process of "living"

the other good thing is identity. yeah, i'm not just talking about your name, or your family. it's everything you are. at first it sounds so easy; you just live and boom. you have an identity.

but the hard part comes when you're in doubt about who you really are. and if you think you know who you are, think again. what exactly lies deep beneath the pile of media norms? what exactly lies underneath the coverings you dress yourself with?

it sucks, i know. what is you and what is not?

-----------------------------------------

i don't know who i am anymore. it's a pretty scary thing. but im not going mad nor am i going into another state of induced depression. it's just that i think i have lost a part of me, and i just don't know what. it's infuriating.

it's like leaving the house early in the morning. you mentally check yourself if you have everything you need. sometimes, you even open up your bag and examine the contents. at some point, you are satisfied and ride a vehicle to reach a destination, say school.

while in the aforementioned vehicle, it suddenly dawns on you that you HAVE forgotten something, and it is of important value. you mentally kick yourself, a feeble attempt to rack your memories.

but you fail. miserably, at that.

get it? good. that's what i feel right now; like i have lost something awfully important, but i just can't get a grip on what the heck it is. argh.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...well as for now, i'm gonna hear the saddest songs..."