Does This Darkness Have A Name?

Mood: Okay

Now Playing: Adagio in G minor, Depapepe

I have always disliked hospitals. Clinics, waiting rooms, lobbies – I hate the sterile efficiency of it. It might be an exaggeration to say that I’ve lived a quarter of my life inside hospitals, but it just feels that way, even longer.

When I was born, my mother had the unfortunate accident of getting measles, right when she had me. This was the common explanation offered when I asked people why I got congenital cataracts as a kid and had to have them surgically removed. Basically my first activity as an infant was not to crawl or to grasp onto things or to develop reflexes, but to lay on an operating table as (I imagine) doctors cutting up my eye and all of that sick medical stuff that they do.

After surgery, it was just an endless parade of medications. Things like eyepatches, coke-bottom glasses and other such things? Bring it on. Anyway, there’s this thing, called an intraocular lens. It just shoves a lens right in there to replace the one clouded by cataracts. As a kid, I just imagined it’d be something along the lines like a contact lens, only um, more inside the eye itself. I was told I could do probably do the surgery once I’m in my teens, but hey, look. I’m in my 20s now. Apparently my eyes are too fucked up to even bother – it might just aggravate everything. And now I have glaucoma (which pretty much like having high blood pressure, except on the eye’s inner fluids), on top of all things.

Which up until yesterday, I thought to be true. Turns out I don’t have it in my right eye after all – there’s just this... cavity. Or wait, not a cavity, a valley on an otherwise smooth eyeball, which the doctors mistook for glaucoma. Having that depression is sort of like a precondition for it; I might not have it now, but who knows someday, in the future, I might.

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Wala lang. It’s not fun to have to go around hospitals all the time, especially when you don’t really like them to begin with.

Some nurse person explained to me that when you have glaucoma, the first thing that goes is the periphery – just the edges. Then it slowly eats away until it leaves just the center of your vision; essentially forming a literal tunnel vision. Like you’re constantly on a train. Heading off to who knows where.

...it’s infinitely depressing, like you have some sort of expiry date you can’t see. I don’t know if I feel cheated, as the doctor say that the depression on my right eye is something I was born with, like I was predisposition’d from the get-go to have this. Whatever this is. It's difficult to understand, and is just so hard to live with sometimes. 

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In other news, September is looking to be a pretty big week because omfg, MIBF AND I'm leaving the company in a few weeks, too so there's that.

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In other, other news - my sd card died on me, along with all of the photos i took on my baguio trip. Fuck.

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And this quote from One Tree Hill:

Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty this hatred. How did it find us, did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return but knowing some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name...is it your name?

gdmt, one tree hill why do you take so long to download