Gotta Knock a Little Harder

Yey

2011-12-17T23:06:00.000-08:00

Mood: melancholic Now Playing: foo fighters

Suffocating, the air is.

I wanted to write a few minutes ago, but alas.

Two

2011-06-14T22:56:00.001-07:00

Mood: none
Now Playing: none again

Forgetting.

Such a handy excuse.

Enclosure

2011-06-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

Mood: none
Now Playing: chiisana koi no uta, mongol 800

There is a beast inside all of us, waiting to rear it's head. It is called by many names - sadness, misfortune, apathy, unkindness, but it's true name is perhaps one and all of them. To truly escape from its grasp takes the best of one's efforts, and it is an effort that is bearable only when one wills it to.

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I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because there are a lot of things going on, like things with a whole bunch of people being so unclear and fucking vague that i don't know what to do with them.

I don't really get people, and sometimes i am disgusted by them, but i think, as a fellow member of the human legion, that i am entitled to a bit of respect, and well, maybe some other things besides. It just doesn't feel right, and i am extremely uncomfortable with a lot of things, but it guess this is just how things go and this is how

No i don't really think that way, haha. Call me spoiled, but come on now. A little more effort would be so nice. Even the tiniest fraction of care or honesty or anything off that wagon you push so lovingly. I told myself i won't be a fucking doormat anymore, that i would stand up for myself and be, well, less like this and shit but i guess old habits are impossible to break, and almost impossible to get out of.

"We have just enough faith to make us hate, but not enough faith to makes us love," says Jonathan Swift, author of Gulliver's Travels. Faith can mean a lot of things, and I guess these words never meant so much as they do now, possibly more for others than they do for me.

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Spanish class is easily one of the most interesting classes this sem, mainly because it turns out into a game between who can decipher what he said in spanish first. Some background: our professor's a true Spanish guy, as true as the sunlight that gleams off his head. I'm not bashing him or anything, i actually like the guy. Its just that when you fire off phrase after phrase of spanish words, i feel like digging a hole and screaming "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttt~~"

True story.

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Funny thing happened the other day. We were going to this killer resort spa - and i mean killer in a good way - when we got lost. Lol. Dad was silent, but you could tell from the way he stepped on the gas that he was irritated. Mama was at the backseat, and i could tell she was trying to patch things up. Lol. Sorry but it all just seemed so ridiculous - the whole scene with the three kids at the back.

Capture Rapture

2011-04-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

Mood: thinking
Now Playing: the smiths

Kindness is overrated. Well yeah, kindness is good once in a while, but people should just shut their mouths up and continue on their business. Kindness is useless against some forms of devastation. People should be more selfish and mind themselves more instead of thinking about other people. That's what i think at the moment, but i seriously too, doubt my own words. I don't want to accept this shit, but let's face it - the absence of kindness makes people hurt. The absence of kindness makes people feel doubt. To think that the absence of kindness hurts people so much is stupid, so if that's the case, then i'd much rather have not an inch of kindness at all. Let's face this bland hell of a world rather than look forward to little bits of kindness, like a dog in front of a biscuit.

Think about it. Who needs kindness anyway? Exhibit it, yes. But don't go around expecting kindness from anyone, cause no one will give it to you. Laws of life: 1) Don't let anyone mess with your head. 2) Stop expecting anything from anyone. 3) Get it by your own hands. 4) Don't stop believing.

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So that, ladies and gentlemen, was my post from a few nights ago. Today, i still can't clear my thoughts and shit, so i can't really pinpoint what the hell im thinking. But i guess it's pretty much more or less changed already. Fickle being, i am.

In other news, nothing much happened. OJT at some weird combination of hospital and hotel - crap! a hotelspital! - and pretty much editoring around, both of which mainly entails a crapload of tired and sleepy nights. I'm eating chips again, something which i have sworn off not eating too much since i've found out that it makes one retarded. I also like to think i'm stopping this incessant urge to make up fictional shiz, which i also think i'm not stopping at all, and this is turning into a conundrum and boom, it has already, hasn't it.

What im trying to say is that this piece of work is just fine again today.

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White-o!

2011-04-12T16:04:00.000-07:00

Mood: irritated
Now Playing: hanako oku, garnet

Hngh. Just made the fatal mistake of saving over my blog's template a while back, so i was forced to create another design today. Couldn't think of what to design with, so i went for err. white.

Anyway, it's been a crazy couple of weeks that my head is in a complete mess right now. Hnggh. It's summer already, but i still feel like it's a school semester. Yeah, it's that crazy.

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In other news, someone is... leaving, again. People always do, but that doesn't mean i have to get used to it, does it? Anyway, it's not like it's for good. Besides, we'll still see each other around the area. Small comfort, eh?

Small comfort. Yeah right.

Struggle

2011-03-31T02:10:00.000-07:00

Mood: irritated
Now Playing: donora, shh

"4.Wash away your “negative rantings” about this task we are requiring you because this is what it takes to reach a LEVEL 4 Accreditation. We are ALL in the same boat but we choose to be team players for the success of the College of Science."

lol sori pero wtf. wtf talaga.

This is part of a memo hovering around the college, since it's on it's way to achieve a level 4 accreditation. Apparently, the students are required to make reflection papers that would highlight a "significant learning experience" in the subject, and the quote above is one of the guidelines on how to it.

EXCUSE ME, COLLEGE OF SCIENCE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. WHAT THE FFFFF.

I have never been so disgusted with my college. The past blunders (like staging and requiring all students for a giant human rosary for a fucking guiness record (wtf was that?!) and allowing that shitty design of a quadri science shirt to even exist) are almost acceptable. Those were allowable blunders with the excuse that there are oversights and lapses of judgement on well, reasoning.

But to require the students to, in effect, lie about their learning experiences is almost unforgiveable. To repeat, i have never felt so disgusted about being a science thomasian until now.

Alam mo yung feeling na naglalakad ka sa sobrang lumang stairs sa tuwina'y papasok ka sa klase? Tapos mapapaisip ka pa kung ilang paa na rin ang nagdaan sa daang nilakakad mo? Tapos biglang ganito? Nakakainit ng buchi, sir.

And to think that i know a lot of things, things that would probably make wives and fathers think twice about enrolling this child in this school. The walls have eyes and ears, y'know. This is not a threat, but a statement on how much crap i've been taking, on how much crap i've been understanding.

This has been a post. This has been me making a stand of my own. We cannot exist without making a struggle, and it is in these struggles that we squirm for freedom.

Secrets

2011-03-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

Mood: melancholic
Now Playing: the world spins madly on

If there is one song that i owe so much to, i think it would come to a close tie between rough draft by yellowcard, leaving song/out of my league by stephen speaks or the world spins madly on by the weepies. There's a whole lot more, but for this night, i am in the weepies mode. Holy crap this is starting to look like one of those posts again, isn't it? Maybe its because i haven't heard this song in such a long while that when i heard this morning, it was like a moment of total "shit, what the fuck are you doing, ding?!"

The human body is amazing. How is that we can hold so many emotions at once, without even bursting from all of it?

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Sometimes my inner subconscious conspires with the universe. Just this morning, i was walking at Lawton, looking for a jeep to ride. Suddenly this voice calls me from behind, and i turn around and see one of my friends laughing at me. I have no idea why.

So then she launched into how we should all get together after the tests. You know, like a getaway. I think she realized a lot of things during the course of the weekend, but she won't effing tells us a shit. Nonetheless, i think it's safe to say that whatever she has to tell us, would lead to something... something klasjdaskljd.

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This has got to be the most stressful week ever. I can't believe i'm measuring a room. MEASURING. Lol, like what the fuck am i doing, yo.

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Thoughts Incoherent

2011-02-17T03:29:00.001-08:00

Mood: okay
Now Playing: straylight run, existentialism on prom night

A lot of things happened today, which is ironic in itself since we only had about an hour of actual lecture. Then again, maybe i must rephrase; when i say a lot of things happened today, i'm referring to the thoughts inside this convoluted head of mine - thoughts which i guess even i am not aware of until recently.

I guess today, one of the most pressing issues in the backburner came to life again - how quickly the world changes for each and every one of us. One moment, you could be living in a dream amongst the clouds, with the flowers and shit. The next, you could be walking along the lines of i dunno, deep shit.

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Somebody told me I've been an asshole lately, i guess. But let me offer this defense; it is always not without proper reason, not without proper meaning. There's always a meaning. Sometimes you tell it to your pillow, or your closet or maybe you just choose to just tell it to the tiny little voice inside your head that you know would always be there. Because let's face it; you can't tell other people everything, can you? There's always this line that separates what you could say and what you couldn't say.

And to the things that you just couldn't say, you have to take it by yourself. This is not an act of chivalry or stoicism or anything even remotely chauvinistically related. This is simply how things must be done. There are just some things that one has to confront by himself, without asking for the help of others. Yeah, the world sucks that way, but you have to suck it up yourself.

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I think i want to make a movie. Just the homemade kind, but a movie nonetheless.

I think i should write more.

Blinding, Walking

2011-02-08T08:07:00.000-08:00

Mood: good
Now Playing: ocean avenue, yellowcard

So i'm slated to go for this autism walk a few hours from now, and dunno. It feels like Christmas. Y'know that awful yet warm feeling you get when you feel that what you're doing is going to help someone. Sheesh. I feel like curling up to die in my own vat of cheesiness. Srsly.

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Anyway i'm posting here to remind the future me of a few things. Today, i was at this fx, right? Nothing unusual with me at the back sitting quietly. Then suddenly, this barker helps out from another fx a bald, chubby man with a yellow shirt. Nothing strange with that, still, eh? But the thing is, the next moment, this bald and chubby man reaches inside his bag and pulls out a collapsible cane. Y'know, the one that collapses into a a smaller version of itself.

Now the barker helps into the vehicle the bald and chubby man into the middle set of seats. Immediately, the atmosphere changed around the fx. I could feel the other passengers exchanging looks with each other, like saying is this for real? And i think the question that was on a lot of people's minds was that how will he ever get off or how will he pay his fare and stuff.

... i think i've said it before. Human processes amaze me, and this moment didn't fail me in the slightest. He'd text and call someone using keypads with sound. He'd place the phone directly in his ear and keep on pressing and pressing until he's found what he was looking for. He'd rummage in his bag, and you could clearly see that he keeps his money in separate packets, so that he knows exactly how much he has to pay. Frankly, it's amazing. I've never seen him around before, but from the eavesdropping in his phone conversation, it seems he's from somewhere up north and he works as a therapist. Y'know, like a manghihilot or something.

Yeah. You never know when you'll get inspiration from, do we?

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About the autism walk, wala lang. I've felt a lot closer to that little thing i call a conscience inside of me, and i feel like i've tugged my heartstrings for a long long time already. Nuff said.

Memories

2011-02-03T09:10:00.000-08:00

Mood: creepy Now Playing: panama, van halen

Tangibility is overrated.

How I Spent My Summer December, pt III

2011-01-02T10:20:00.001-08:00

Mood: oks~! Now Playing:None

Paskuhan and The Things That Come After

So. Paskuhan. I honestly cannot remember what i did for last year's Paskuhan, so i decided to try attending this 2011 one. The last paskuhan i attended was way back when i was a freshman, and as far as i could remember, it was pretty awesome.

So this year, i was late. I was grabbing onto this pack of manila papers to keep them from running away from my fingers, i guess when this voice shouts out: "DING!" Thinking it was someone else, i continued on walking. But the voice was joined by another, until i was sure it was someone i knew. I whipped around and saw the siblings Kevin and Karen, plus Mikee and some guy i didn't know. Sorry if you're reading this, btw.

I haven't seen Kevin in months. He's this underclassman i knew way back in highschool, and we were both in the school paper together. "Oy, Kevin!" i said, pulling him into a manly shoulder bump. "Shet kamusta na?!" He grinned, i grinned, and just like that, for the next five minutes i was at SAS again.

So that's how i began my night - with that five minute nostalgia. I excused myself after a while amidst plenty of fist bumps and such. I picked my way through the hordes of little children (for everyone is a kid at a Paskuhan), gaining speed as i pushed myself here and there. As i inched across the crowds, the people were considerably lessening, until i could walk normally through the grass and i could see the patch of grass that we once called our own. I picked up my pace again, hurrying to see those bitches that have become a part of something that feels warm inside of me.

Paskuhan is always a wonderful time, and this time was no exception, i guess. The vibe was there, the groove was in, hell, even the scent of all it was there. I don't know why, but there were a lot of toys in that paskuhan, and soon enough, our camp was filled with bubbles and these soap suds that apparently leave a stain on brown things, plus those propellers that use a rubber band to launch them through the air. Told you everyone's a kid at paskuhan.

Anyway, when kamikazee started playing at the stage, we steeled ourselves to get near the stage, as word has it that pupil will be there. Plus the fireworks were better seen under the clear canopy of skies, not under the speckled patches in between the trees.

We were near the front, when everything all started at once: Pupil hitting the first few notes of their song, the first firework exploding at the sky, the first scream to be released from everybody's throats. Then suddenly, everything came rushing in an explosion of sound and i could only hold on to my ears for dear life as the crowds of people just kept whooping and clapping and ely's at the front of it all, stirring the crowd up.

Yeah. I was part of that.

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We stayed for a while after that - waiting for everybody's rides to come and pick them up. While we waited, we blew up bubble after bubble, retelling scary stories and not so scary stories. And i wanted to just curl up and listen to everyone around because they just kept on and on and everything just seemed so interesting and why the hell does this bubble blowing be so much fun?

Anyway, we were left with just three of us soon, and since it was late, i was seriously considering staying over. But there are some things that you can't just give up, so i made my exit at around 2 or was it 3 in the morning to get to a house in Paranaque on time for a promise. I was there in 30 minutes. Traffic evaporates at 2, you see.

It smelled like someone threw up, and someone really did.

Simbang Gabi was in full bloom by the time i staggered out of the house to hear the mass. I was nodding off as i stood, hitting people inadvertently with my shoulder. I was tired to the brim. I picked myself up after the mass and made my way back, cause i realized after much feeling of my pants pocket, that i had left my bubble blower at the house. I could only pray there was some bubbles left in there.

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People Are Nicer When It Is December

So people are infinitely nicer in December. I give you two examples:

Example 1:
I was with my bro at UST, when we passed by this 7-11. Sakto namang may lumabas na may dalang tubig, mainit na cup na lucky me instant noodles at saka tinapay. Inabot nila yun sa nakaupong matanda sa gilid ng 7-11 ng nakangiti.

Example 2:
I was sitting in an FX, right at the back part, when unfortunately, my hand slipped while i was paying the fare. My coins slipped right under the seats and for a good 5 minute or so, the ones at the middle were rummaging inside their seats when the driver just have a shrug and said, "sige iho, okay lang un"

I rest my case. :)

How I Spent My Summer December, pt II

2011-01-02T10:18:00.003-08:00

Mood: still happy
Now Playing: none

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Hey, Dad

My dad calls every once a week, and i think it may just be me who's noticing this, but the calls come in more frequently. There was a time a few weeks back when i was sitting at the sala watching TV (which i do periodically now), when suddenly, the phone rang, effectively cutting out the dialogue of Mark Logan's comedy feature of the day.

"Hellloooo?" in my best imitation of a zombie eating brains.
"Hello, dar?" came the response. Hushet, si Pa! Came my immediate thought. Fight or flight na to. Should i call for help and pass the phone to someone or should i talk for a bit?

"Ui, Pa! Kamusta?" Came my reply, cringing almost as soon as the words left my mouth.

I honestly cannot remember what we talked about after that. Nope, true story. Anyway, it's pretty funny to see when my parents talk on the phone. Not that i can see papa's reactions anyway, but mama is pure gold. She gushes, she speaks in hushed tones, her whole auditory vocabulary is reduced to that of a teeny girl. It's very amusing to watch, actually. No kid.

Yesterday, we celebrated dad's birthday. Yep, December 31. Pretty cool, eh? Anyway every year we do this thing for dad. We make a collage of pictures of us or we send him videos to cheer him up there. Every single year. Come to think of it, every single occasion, heh. So one afternoon, i made a college and wrote a letter signed by all of us. His reply just came in a few minutes ago: "....As always I'm Proud of you Guys ... and Mama and Me were always there with you and We all wanted to see you all Happy and be Successfull in all WHAT LIFE IS THERE AHEAD..."

Foreboding, much? Grammar-wise it sucked bigtime. But then again, grammar isn't everything.

PS.
What's weird is that even though i signed it "from all of us", he started with "hello, son" I don't know if it's simply an oversight of things or what. Also, son. Woot, woot.

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Catching Up

So i caught up to the guys one night and when out some drinks at BF. Catching up to them felt pretty good. People were doing well, it seems.

It's amazing to see how much we've grown over these past few years. For one, we no longer have those ridiculously short haircuts that CAT demands of us. For another, i guess we've gotten enough scars to warrant us a medical certificate, to the point that we can proudly wear them on our sleeves. Lesson learned, in other words. We're more mature, more amazing and more daring than we've ever been since then. And i guess even if the jokes are still the same, the meaning behind it changes, and you learn to appreciate that, y'know? The fact that you could joke around, but the smiles are still all too knowing, all too understanding.

Yeah. So we stopped at a Goodah (open 25/8!) at around 1 am, i think? Talking shit and nonsense. I think i once pointed out that shit and reason flies out the window past 2 am, but i guess i have to revise that a bit. Sometimes, reason remains, and it is in this half-asleep, half-passed out state that some of the best conversations are born.

We capped off the night with a round of DOtA at around 4, with clearing the last round at 6 or 5 ish, i think. Some things never change, i guess, and i hope that some things never do.

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This Is Why You Should Regularly Clean Your Room

One day in my sembreak, i found out that i had absolutely nothing to do. As an extreme act of boredom, i found myself digging out my closets, cleaning them out from within.

I started cleaning at about 7. I ended up finishing at around past 11. 11 PM. Hnggh. Maybe my methods were overly meticulous - taking out of all the contents of a drawer, cabinet or shelf, then cleaning the dust off with a vacuum cleaner, then wiping a damp cloth on the area before putting the contents of the shelf back again. If i find a loose nail, i hammer it down. If i find a loose thread of fabric, i cut it free. It's that tedious, it's almost unbelievable, really.

But i guess the one reason why i took so long is because i needed to go through each item one by one. I'm a huge packrat. I keep around prize tickets from game machines, i fold receipts and used wrappers of candy, i pin to my board any souvenier or memorabilia i find.

So it comes to no surprise to find my cabinet full to bursting with a lot of memories. Some were pretty sucky, yeah, i'll grant you that. But the thing is, they're still my precious memories, and i wouldn't trade them for anything else in the world. Unless of course you've got a PS2 you want to sell for about a hundred, then... loljk kidding. I won't trade these for anything.

Among the items i found there was this draft of a letter written in a piece of brown stationery addressed to someone. Yeah, i know. I write drafts in stationery. That was how... weird i was then - writing even a draft on a piece of stationery. Hay, puberty.

Another of one those old relics i've found is these bunch of old photographs, taken when i was in elementary. Pretty standard poses back then, i guess. As school kids, we were taught that swearing was bad and we should never ever do it. So we didn't. Really. I seldom cursed back in elementary. High school was... different, i guess. My favorite expression back then was this: "AY, POGITA!" I'd shout "AY, POGITA!" whenever i fell down or knocked someone over, or whenever i felt like cursing at the world in general. "AY, POGITA!"

To my great joy and embarrassment, i ended up unearthing a set of old notebooks, with the last pages crumply with writing. It was weird to see how the young me wrote stuff up - there was one with a detailed plan on how to liberate the philippines, a map of the subdivision, and the makings of an rpg game. Sheesh. How geeky can one get? xDD

All in all, it was a very long and very tiring day, but i came up with a few spoils. I unearthed a director's set of a chair and table, as well as numerous old notebooks that could be good for a decent night of writing or just as scratch paper. But just as well, i ended up unearthing things i buried so long ago, too.

This time, instead of burying them again, i took them all and placed them neatly on a separate space, away from everything else. Sometimes, i guess even if the pain or what's left of it kills you to bits, it still feels good to remember.

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How I Spent My Summer December pt 1

2010-12-29T03:13:00.001-08:00

Mood: happy. yeah, i actually am
Now Playing: love like woe by the ready set

I think this is going to be a pretty long post, as i want to write about what happened in my December. A lot of things happened, and call this rosy retrospection, but for now all i see are the good stuff, y'know. And i think i could get used to this, all of this living in the bright side. It makes me feel all tingly and funny inside, i may just check myself my insides if they're coated with butterflies and rainbows already.

So anyway, a lot of things happened during this December, and even though i'm tired enough already from writing, i've promised myself to recount all of these for the sake of nostalgia. I'm guessing this gives you a hint of what to expect in these posts, as all of these new year smoke and shit makes me feel so... so.. peaceful, i guess. No shit. It always comes in at the start of the year. You can't help but reminisce the shit out of yourself. Add the fact that StephenSpeaks is playing in the background and i can't seem to turn it off is not helping.

But anyway, more on that later. This captures my december, and i think i'll kick off with...

Baddingle Day

I started this day with the usual combo of tumbling in my bed at around 3, i think. After the usual process of bidding goodbye to my bed, i'm hit by the realization that it's a fucking Wednesday, and i don't have any classes every Wednesdays. "Holy shit," i thought to myself, half-awake and half-clutching a toothbrush coated with shampoo. "Matutulog ulit ako big time"

Big time meant waking up at around 10 and getting up properly at around noon. After feeding the huge pigeon that was my badingle present, i ended up spiraling into a reading session. By the time i resurfaced, i was only an hour or two away from the designated meeting time. And by the time i got to the designated meeting place, i was practically an hour late. So cool.

Speaking of cool, my journey to UST is a story in itself. I was carrying this huge motherfreaking pigeon on my lap for a full hour and a half. It seemed prudent then to ride at the back, so i don't disturb any passengers. However, riding at the back had it's drawbacks. For one, it became apparent that the one sitting across me was watching me the whole time, like how a lion stalks it's prey in the savannah. Hungry much, kuya? Hindi pwedeng kainin tong dala dala ko.

Anyway, i was there after being so late and such. When all of us had gathered already, it was a pretty awesome sight to see; a pigeon, a dog, a hermit crab, a chick, a turtle, two pairs of hamsters, two pairs of lovebirds, and three fishes were pooled in a pile at the center, with their cages and food and our bags strewn about the area. We looked like a mini petting zoo, and people were actually coming over to see what the hell was the commotion all about. People were randomly stopping at what they hoped were hidden places, shooting cameras and curious, discrete looks at our pets. Ha. As if we don't see you from behind those trees, dumb bitch. Haha.

It's a pretty funny feeling. I've never thought that i'd be sitting in a patch of grass with all sorts of people and animals beside me. I guess there's a first for all things, and i guess this includes bringing a pet pigeon to school, staying late at the university, or going to school just to play and bum around. There's a lot of firsts i'll have to conquer, yeah. But for now, i'm savoring this feeling you get when you receive something alive and precious for the first time.

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There's Always Something to Look Back To

So i forgot. Deo's birthday is every 5th of December, and this year, we went to ATC, using Sammy the Civic. Yeah, yeah i know. It's pretty JJ at this point in time, but back when i was a kid, it was heaven to go somewhere with a fountain. I was pretty easy to please, then i guess.

Anyway, we bought this huge Nerf gun which is basically your caked up pellet gun without the violence. It's painted in bright yellow and orange colors, you see, so it's a much kid-ful version of pellet guns. Plus, these Nerf things only spew out bits of styrofoam with rubber ends, so unless you're made out of paper, it's impossible to get hurt with these things.

After making the required number of tantrums for a ten year old, we trooped out of the store into this play center they have at the center of the mall, and the next thing i know, we're climbing this net thing they have, Das and I. Acting like the kids that i know we still are, shouting and waving down at the old guys down below. And i swear, all of those kids were just looking at us like we're elephants climbing a tree.

And i guess we were. Haha. There's always something to go back to, and this childhood place of craziness and unexpected surprises, is part of it.

So,

2010-12-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

Mood: ready steady go
Now Playing: the ready set, love like woe

I forgot how it feels to be this free, and this so much stuffed with cake and icing and a whole host of other sweet things. Diets be damned, i am stuffing myself with this piece of shit.

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SO. An update on things:

Academically speaking, i'm still pretty okay. Haven't failed a test so far, and the lessons are aslkdjaslkd, at some point, but still it's manageable. I guess i should chalk this one up to a whole lot of things, but i guess not being alone takes the cake. That's all i have to say.

(draft created last dec 4, 2010. lol, ngaun lang na post. my life is in constant slow motion)

And oh, i forgot to mention that i'll be studying a special person for finals. I'll be doing a case report, administering tests... you know, the usual doctor stuff. Yeah. It's exciting, actually.

The Food Chain

2010-11-16T20:16:00.000-08:00

Mood: queasy
Now Playing: crawl, veltpunch

I feel like the world is catching up to me today. The internet is a big place, and people are starting to like what i like, people are starting to visit the places i visit.

I don't think i like this at all. I feel so... sullied. Especially when people i don't even know ask me if i know what this means. Bitch.

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People need someone else below them, so they can vent out everything: bad grades, household chores, problems in the family."when you're miserable, you need to make someone even more miserable than yourself", says this character i know. Abyssus abyssum invocat.

And all this hate? All this misery? It just spirals down on that poor son of a bitch you vented everything out to. Each and every misfortune that happens to the people around them, they take upon themselves to carry, like crosses. They're roaches: people step on them to feel good. They're pests. They're insects. That's all they'll ever be in the eyes of many.

I guess this is why i sometimes find people disgusting. We cry when somebody achieves more than us. We dislike it when we are ridiculed. We turn to anger when things don't go our way. How can you expect me to like this kind of species? At the end of the day, we still need that someone who we'll look down upon. Isn't it enough that we hate so much?

Trust me. In any group setting, examine your surroundings. I bet you'll find one who's always made fun of.If you don't find one, look harder, it's there. You just don't see it. Remove that roach out, and there will be chaos: who else would take the blame? Or simple substitution: another roach will replace him.

Scientists called it the food chain. Psychologists called it defense mechanisms. As for the ones who are vented out upon? They call it hate.

Being human is overrated, i guess. Let's just be insects and get on with it.

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To the roaches of the world who rid it of it's filth: mundus vult decipi, ergo decipiatur, bitches. God knows your value.

Fury

2010-11-12T23:16:00.001-08:00

Mood: infuriated
Now Playing: none

Your insensitivity amazes me. Yes, you do. And throw in your cheap sense of justice, too, you fucking asshole.

Out Of The Basket, Into The Fire

2010-11-11T16:14:00.000-08:00

Mood: lazy
Now Playing: seasons, franco

I haven't posted as much stuff here as i should, so i'm just posting an update here to y'know, get my mind off things. I owe a lot of stories to this blog, and i swear i'll get around to writing them someday (specifically in the near future).

I guess i'm just posting here to put in this quote i remember from Jessica Zafra. I forgot the exact wording, but basically, she says that when she was a child, she used to play "chicken in the basket" with the other kids. This is, i think, one of the most accurate displays of life in a children's game ever: two people join hands to form a basket, and there is an "it" or a "chick" inside of these baskets. Unfortunately, there is also one "it" or a "chick" outside of them. At a given signal, all of the baskets are released, and the "chicks" inside them go out and go inside another basket. Ultimately, there would always be a chick left outside.

Anyway, Zafra shares her experience and her insight: it was traumatizing to be the perpetual chick outside of the baskets. And then she realized that maybe she was never made to be a chick inside the basket and she has been comfortably alien ever since.

I think this is a very inspirational story. Very inspirational indeed.

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Anyway, i just got over the 1st day of class, and it wasn't as horrible as i should be. Going home, i mulled over the same things, ate the same things, bought the same things.

I should add another detour, i think.

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Eating Overboard

2010-10-20T14:10:00.000-07:00

Mood: hunger
Now Playing: one of us, joan osborne.

10/20/10

(This one is a draft i've saved, but never got the time to finish. Well, except for now, of course)

So today, i sort of went overboard and ate everything. No kidding. Since this morning, i have stuffed myself with Sumo Loops Biscuits, Hansel, christmas ham, candies, two glasses of Mountain Dew and a shot of brandy, before capping it all off with a 2:30 AM McDo delivery of double cheeseburger meal - with the medium fries and softdrink. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me, eh?

And that's not even counting my pre-delivery anxiousness - I COULD NOT DECIDE WHERE TO PLACE A FUCKING DELIVERY. At first i thought of Mcdo's cheeseburgers and floats, then of Kowloon House's giant special siopao with a bit of pork siomai at the side, then of KFC's zingers and gravy-coated fries, then of Yellowcab pizzas. Might i add that i went through all of those options at 12 in the fucking morning? It's pitiful, actually, considering taht i was munching biscuits at the time.

If i eat anything more, i swear i'd inflate and balloon over the pacific. asljdlakaksdl. I've always liked food, but not to this extent; this is ridiculous, not to mention irritating.

... now excuse me while i go finish my fries. :D

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Whenever i can, i always make it a point that i eat something on the way home. Nothing too fancy, of course. Like using my trike fare for a bite of fishballs, or chicken strips or even isaw from the local stands around home. I don't know why, but i guess this annoying habit came from the time i was a kid. After hearing Mass on Sundays, we'd go to this plaza not far from home. We still had the old owner back then (an owner that was assembled by dad. No kidding) and we'd nip inside a Tropical Hut (that was the shiznit back then) and i'd be real pleased, cause they'd give me coffee and pineapple juice along with whatever i'd have for the day.

And that was, i think, the rule for any wandering: eat before you go home. Whenever we'd finish watching a movie, we'd grab a plate of good ol' Jollibee spag and chicken or a quick bite of Henlin's siopao, or maybe your usual sago gulaman and turon at any vehicle station.

And i don't think this is limited to my family. I've been asking around, and it seems that people do really eat something before they go home.

I find this terribly endearing. We eat to fill our stomachs, but it also seems to me that we eat to fill something else.

Fin

2010-09-01T14:18:00.000-07:00

Mood: lazy
Now Playing: jaaaaaaa's august

This is a letter addressed to someone in the future, 20, 30 or so years from now.

Woke up at around midnight today. I tumbled off my bed and somehow, i had this overwhelming urge to write. I managed to scribble a few lines, but alas, sleep gripped me again, and i fell back unto my pillows.

4:10 a.m. At 4:20, i crept downstairs and made myself breakfast; a simple sandwich and coffee combo.

What's odd is that the whole time i was making the sandwich and heating up the coffee machine, i kept thinking of how unfair your current self is. You're bitchy. You're greedy. You're resentful and frankly, you're not that good of a person at all. But the biggest bitch-fact of them all is how near-sighted you are. You talk of beautiful things, of graceful things, of grandiose things. But i count the days when you'd finally see that the world is not always made of any of those beautiful things, and we're all just sticks in the mud. I'm sorry, but we were just not built that way. Asshole.

We're human. We defecate, we vomit, we cuss. But our biggest beauty lies in the realization that we can do all of those things, and more. Is this so hard a concept that you cannot even grasp a tiny fraction of it? In behalf of all the male creatures in the world, i beg your forgiveness. We're sorry we're not beautiful or grandiose or graceful enough. Ito na yun.

I take a bite off my sandwich, and i take a sip of my coffee. It's been years since we last met, and a good chunk of those years were spent with both of us stewing in our pots. I'm a mess. This isn't even a shadow of what i used to be. No, seriously. I'm better than this, cooler than this, manlier than this. It's like i addressed so many crap to you already that now my hand goes on automatic mode. It's always the same shit. I hate it. This is going to sound so emotional, but I hate how every word, how every letter reminds me of you and your scent. I hate it i hate it i hate i hate it. It always circles back to you, y;know? I won't lie to you, it hurts every single time. It's irritating, even. I want to write about something new, about someone new, about someplace new. But why does it always circle back to you, you asshole?

I kind of miss some stuff right now, and i kind of don't. It's that time of the year, after all, yeah? I doubt that you'd still remember what happened then, but i don't know. How can you be so dense? How can you be so oblivious? How come you have the license to dance around people and i don't? How come you can shrug off days of whatever-it-was in just a second? This is unfair, and i doubt that you'd ever realize this. I doubt that you'd realize you've become this thing i can't get rid of. Will you? I don't think so.

I don't hate you, despite the empirical evidence. I just want to get back the things i gave. But i know that it's impossible, and i think i really wouldn't want that anyway. Keep it, you sick son of a bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. Bitch. I hope you find a good use for it. It's not your fault anyway, i guess. It's my fault entirely for staying rooted in the past, for being grounded on something imaginary.

And another thing. Here you go, I'm giving you the first of the final words i spun that night. Remember? just like what i've said before, the night i stayed outside. You don't remember this, as you were fast asleep by then.

Fly so hard you wouldn't have to run. Love so hard you wouldn't have to hurt.

I hope it serves you well. It's all good. It's all good.

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This is, i think, my 17th attempt at writing a letter, 18th if you count that one time i took the bus. This is my 16th letter to you, and the 2nd one to get published in one of my blogs. This took 3 drafts to complete, and roughly 3 hours to finish, This probably contains a lifetime's worth of unconcealed and concealed thoughts.

One Liners

2010-08-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

Fly so hard you wouldn't have to run

Weekends

2010-08-28T08:05:00.001-07:00

Mood: huh? Now Playing: none

Went to eat at Bento-ya today. Pretty cool place. The food was great, the ambiance was great, and the whole mini library thing was a nice touch, as were the counter and the bottles behind it. For 700 pesos, we managed to squeeze in sukiyaki, california maki, gyoza, some kind of tofu with bonito flakes, and kani salad. And o yeah, sake was there, too.

Yeah. Flavor christmas in my tongue, yo.

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My thoughts on Mendoza's kidnap event:

Do not romanticize what is evil, people. There were killings (and brutal ones, at that) , and no amount of reason should be equal to the value of life. People talk about killing the source of evil - the government, the media, the police - but in reality, the source of evil is not these organizations by themselves, but rather the creatures behind it. Yes, i am talking about the human race. To eradicate all evil we must eradicate the human race. See how absurd it sounds? Yes, i knew you would.

And to the police, what the hell is wrong with you guys? Knowing how unstable the guy is, i kind of expected that you guys were going to act according to the situation. What happened was a lapse in... i dunno, brain cells, i think.

And to the media, i know how important it is to get a scoop, an angle, another story. But gdamit, what were you guys thinking? I expected the media to cooperate with the police. I would have expected the media to be for the citizens. But come on. In light of the situation, i advise all of you out there to exercise common sense.

Suffice it is to say that we are all idiots, leading an idiotic charge. To which flag, i do not know. I just hope that someone up there has an idea.

On Love and Bebe

2010-08-22T04:56:00.000-07:00

Mood: nothing
Now Playing: use somebody, as covered by AC.

So this Saturday i went to this comic convention with Camille, Bren and Nichola. T'was alright, i guess. But i think the venue should have been bigger, with more stalls. CSC Central wasn't even there, as was the same case with Cast. And i guess it totally needed more stalls. lkasjdlaskdja. Anyway, i was sorely tempted to cash out the little mound of money i've saved for about a week, but i managed to control myself and just bought the comic about Orpheus, Morpheus' son.

Anyway, im typing here to save in this conversation i overheard in the fx ride i took to get there. There were two middle-aged women at the back, and apparently they were talking about a girl named Bebe. They were talking about how awfully wasted Bebe's life was for marrying the wrong guy. From what i gather (and i either gather much or not at all), Bebe was being courted by this guy from Mercury Drug. Mercury Drug Guy was good. He was well-off enough, polite and good with elders. And he's well-off enough (emphasis on enough). Well-off enough to treat and woo not the girl herself, but the girl's brother and sister to malls every weekend. The two women were all for Mercury Drug guy. "Who wouldn't?" they would say. "He's talented, well-off enough and polite. Choose him, Bebe! Choose him!"

But apparently, Bebe did not choose Mercury Drug Guy. Instead, Bebe chose someone poorer than she is, and the poor shmuck of a guy is now even bed-ridden with heart disease. And the two women were like this "sayang naman si Mercury Drug Guy. Ang Bobo talaga ni Bebe at pinakawalan pa niya. Bobo, tanga at matigas ulo" the WHOLE FREAKING TIME.

We were nearing Baclaran then, and they were going to mass. I wasn't much bothered by their conversations the few minutes before. But when i heard this line from the woman across me:

"Dapat kasi sa ganyan, hindi pinapairal ang pag-ibig. Dapat eto o. Eto (points to head). Hindi ka papakainin ng puso mo. Hindi niya mapapagaral anak mo. Tingnan mo yang si Bebe. Mahirap na nga, mahirap pa ang pinangasawa"

What the fuck. I didn't know what to say, so i just shut up and gazed out the window, my mind a blur of thoughts. They alighted a little ways off the Baclaran church, and i stared at them as my FX speeded away.

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I know im not the most romantic dipshit out there, and i know i have a lot of things to learn and understand about love and all it's shit. But i think that what those two women said were definitely crap, and don't get me started on how stupid it is to discuss something so private in another person's life inside a public vehicle.

I think i speak for a lot of us when i say that love is a shitty feeling, but it shouldn't be governed by something as material as money. Even if you say that love is overrated, love is bitter, love is shit, the thing is, it IS all that, MORE of that even. It is never easy, it is never easy-going. It is a constant struggle of shitty days versus even shittier days, with the possible exception of happy sunshiny days, and they come in fewer and fewer doses as the years pile up.

But that's not to say that love should be ruled by material want, no. Whatever happened to the feeling that you had when you were a teenager? When you believed that everything is possible, that everything is within your reach? Does it expire as easily as the days that go by? Does it expire when the world eats you and your daily life? Or does it expire the day that you lose your faith in it?

... yeah, i think so too, you middle aged assholes.

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I think i swore to myself, once. To never ever let the kid inside die. To never ever stop believing in life and all it's intricacies. But then i realize how much time i have spent hunting for good music nowadays. Mostly kasi, it's just the same old routine: go to school. have fun. study. wake up, rinse and repeat. At times, it's peppered with other people's problems, bumming around and just having fun. Don't get me wrong... i love my friends to bits. And that's saying something already, as i don't love that many a thing.

But i just want to do something with my life. It feels like i've been watching my life play on and on while i'm just at the backseat, y'know? I feel like i'm a fucking doormat. I want to take charge, for once and decide how to do things, how to fuck around without worrying what would happen tomorrow. It feels like im in a fucking perpetual "safety mode". Gdmnit.

I feel like im on the wrong side of things. Or maybe the wrong course? Carol C. says i should be somewhere in ads. But i think she's lying, because Carol C. is a huge bitch. lol joke and peace. I dunno shit.

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Why are people so hard to understand, i wonder?

Things

2010-08-15T01:18:00.000-07:00

Mood: fail
Now Playing: yui, cherry

I have a knack for losing things.

I don't know why, but i keep on losing stuff. Just this day, i lost my freaking 8 - MONTHS phone. What the fuck, i keep on saying to myself. How can you lose a fucking phone? What the fuck, indeed.

I think my memory wires are wired wrong somewhere, as i tend to remember the wrong facts at the wrong time. Or if that isn't the case, i'm preoccupied - there's a huge bunch of stuff wrapped around my mind that i can't put my finger on a specific it. Thoughts are a already wretched, wretched thing, but being thoroughly immersed in them however, is even worse.

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I guess i should start picking myself up again, soon. I have about a dozen things to save up for, and about half a dozen things to save. Not to mention life is brutally after my life and apparently stress wants every inch of me.

Picking up yourself from the ground is a process, but it's never ending. If this is true, then does this mean that we're always in the ground, that we're always wallowing in pity? Nope, i don't think so. The laws of physics help me in this one: in order to fall, we must be standing up, first.

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I'm not confusing what i study from what i see in real life here, but i think i have a condition. S'alright, it's nothing to harp on about, nothing serious or even remotely fatal. I even hear that all of this might be just imagined, y'know. After all, it's not hard to relate to something if you've been reading it for the past three years already.

i guess even if you dismiss it as something common, it is still there. Gaahd.

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I don't want to lose stuff anymore. People are temperamental and leave, sometimes even at the most inopportune times. But come on, it doesn't follow that objects have to go that path, too.

Tomorrow is Pretty Near

2010-08-13T07:45:00.000-07:00

Mood: fine
Now Playing: CHERRY- YUI

I really like YUI. Even though her songs are mostly in japanese, and she's like a hundred miles away from here, i really really like her songs. I dunno if it's because i think girls that can play instruments are fucking cool. I dunno if it's because my mastery of the japanese language is a working progress, and yet i can still understand the emotions stitched into ever word. I dunno if it's because of the fact that YUI is a girl who like wearing band shirts and jeans and sneakers and she looks pretty fucking comfy in it. I dunno, i just dunno. She's amazing.

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Prelims ended today, yay! Bummed around at Bren's for a while before wandering the aisles of department stores alone. Pretty funny fact: i like doing my shopping alone. When i was a kid, i always got this set amount of money from mom before going out to shop for school supplies.

Anyway, i'm sitting here bumming around, and i kind of wish i had this bottle of soy milk around. Crap. should have brought one ages ago. askljdask.

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Thought about things after watching taiyo no uta, and reaffirmed some of the laws i have established about life and it's complexities. Won't go into details here - typing taxes me now gahdamet - but one thing's for sure. Getting the facts straight is one thing. Getting them done, however, is another.

To Sophie,

2010-08-10T04:05:00.000-07:00

This is a long, long overdue post.

People think it's weird for me to name things. To enumerate, i have an iPod named Elizabeth, a desktop pc named User, cellphones named Marx (MIA) and Jeeplings, and of course, the cake on top of the icing, a laptop named Sophie.

Sophie is fucking awesome. She's seen me on my worst days, and all of the days more worse than worse days. I guess as someone who aspires to write, sophie was like a huge venting machine. Ideas for novels, short stories and the like flooded her every now and then. She knows how fucking infuriating it is for me to have a dozen word documents open, full of half baked ideas and crap. She knows how hard it is for me to stop surfing the net whenever there's something interesting afloat the webspace. She knows how that weird stain on my shirt got there in the first place.

She knows how much i really really really like mirai shida and horikita maki. She knows how i fail so much when i try and write a novel, and yes, she knows that that for the record, the highest number of chapters i have ever written for a single novel is just a single digit. She knows how much i slip up and fuck up. She knows where i keep the keys to everything. She knows how i like to sleep in during the day with music.

She knows how much i cried at fucking drama movies. She knows what my 1st published article is. She know how much i liked to edit videos and stuff, she knows the right programs, the right pace, the right games. She fucking knows me.

And now i am faced with the fact that i may indeed have to invest in another unit, another one like sophie. And honestly, im sorely tempted to do so; who wouldn't want another laptop unit, possibly even better than sophie could ever hope to be?

But no. I'll save this lunk of metal even it drains me.

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More visceral version:

EVEN IF IT FUCKING DRAINS ME, YOU PIECE OF FUCKING COCK METAL ASS SHIT. I shall save you, because i miss yooooou. GDMIT SOPHIE. Getfucking better soon.

What I Realized This Weekend

2010-07-31T09:23:00.000-07:00

Mood: haah?
Now Playing: nothing

Yeah, im just dropping in to say that this week ended pretty much okay. Thankfully the things that bothered me at the start, resolved themselves all on their own. It's fucking amazing, actually. But it's not to say it stressed the living hell out of me; it really freaking did. Every night it's a struggle to stay awake, a struggle to open my eyelids. It's really.. i dunno. Tiring.

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Pretty good Sunday. Woke up at around 7, got out of bed a few minutes past 12 to a lunch of pretty fucking tasty kare-kare. Shiiit. Ate with the family today, and gorged myself on delicious cupcakes for dessert. At 3, tita whipped up some delishus canton and drinks and bread and as a result, i ate again. Still feeling the effects of all the food i ate, and that's not counting the chicken mom brought the night before.

Life is tasty.

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So after CSJ's general assembly this saturday, i found myself at Hidalgo again. It's a sort of mental tick; when in doubt, go to Quiapo. When depressed, go to Quiapo. When everything's fine, go to Quiapo. I dunno.

Went wandering the streets for a while, and was sorely tempted to eat the streetside chicken chicken. Brought a few DVDs and some PC games, said hello to the church and walked the bridge to the post office. Was sorely tempted to buy some trinkets at the underpass, but naah. Figured i could do without it, anyway.

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Some thoughts on this week's happenings:

I always remind myself to write. To practice the craft of mixing thoughts into paper, to immerse myself in the incredulity that is today. Writing has never been easy, regardless of what people tell you. You are your worst critic, and time is both your enemy and your friend.

That's all i have to say about it, for now. *exit stage right*

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I think Das is going to buy a guitar today. I'm pretty stoked about it, since it's been a while since i've played anything on any instrument. (Save the piano at rm 318, and that doesn't even count as i had no idea what i was doing, though i trust my 'instructor' would have a few words to say about the subject) I kind of miss it, i guess. I'm no guitar player, i just know a handful of chords, and that's it. But the thing is, everything has a beginning, and sometimes when they don't it's up to you to make one.

^ above principle applies to life in general too, i guess.

Winging This Week

2010-07-25T19:42:00.000-07:00

Mood: kerazyzileh
Now Playing: well, this particular comp shop is spamming rico blanco tunes over the airwaves, so i guess that's that.

I'm freaking winging this week. I have a ton of stuff to do, and in all honesty, i'm not sure if i can actually finish all of those shit, (and here i am, blogging. alkasdj) but the thing is, i'm feeling more than lazy. It's hard to explain if you haven't tried out a skateboard yet. I'm not the biggest boarder out there, heck i haven't mastered tricks yet. But i guess what im after is the thrill, the danger that you'd fall and rip open your jeans and skin. Y'know, the feeling when you push off the ground and your other foot is on the board and there's this sudden imbalance or shit? That kind of thrill.

It's like the inverse of nirvana. In nirvana, you more or less realize your meaning. You know what you're gonna do, you know what you're out to find and all of those classy cute stuff.

In vananir (lol, i know it's not a real word, just the inverse of nirvana but bear with me), you don't. You don't know if you're gonna fall, you don't know if you're gonna fly. You just do it, and live in that moment. And whether you do fall or you do fly, what's important is that you did.

I dunno, it's fucking confusing to me, too. But going back, i guess this is what im doing this week. I'll be fucking winging it so hard, i will fucking fly.

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What the hell is up with brownies and cookies? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING YUMMY. And while we're at it, what is the fucking big deal, cream-filled cupcakes? WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH DELICIOUS INSIDE OF YOU. And speaking of, why are langka tarts so FUCKING DELISHUUUUUUS *brainmelts*

If you guys were people, i swear, we would be freaking friends for life.

Five Minute Complaints

2010-07-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

Mood: stressed, but high
Now Playing: none. aljdlasdj

So, my Sophie has been restored. She's now sporting a new W7 look, but still classy as ever. Yeah, that's my girl. B-) Anyhoo, she's lost a whole bunch of files, and since im a damn masochist, i've been tallying up the things i've lost:

1. A Whole Bunch of Movies
and not just any bunch of movies, some of them took goddamn forever to leech off the internet. I already checked out some of them, and the torrent links are DEAD. DEAAAAAAAAAAAAD.I felt like ripping off my clothes and screaming WHYYYYYYYYYYYY but i controlled this insufferable feeling and instead punched the crap out of household appliances. kidding, i'm such a nice guy i could kiss myself.

I miss my garden state, my big fish, my juno and asjdlaskjdksajd. I forgot i also "made" (in this context, "scavenged" is the right-er term) a number of homegrown movies for a shitload of people, both academic and not. Crapfastic. Whenever i think about the huge amount of time i spent editing/downloading/craptasticating this mini library of vids, i cry.

2. A Whole Bunch of Pictures
And then i cry some more.

Shitcakes, the photoooos. The photooooooos! I guess it's a good thing i've uploaded some of the stuff i have online.. but still. BUT STILLL.. unf.

3. A Whole Bunch of Programs

I'm not too fussed about this, to be honest. I've already gotten a copy of photoshop, and some of the brushes are, admittedly, hard to find but no biggie. I'll manage in a weekend or two. (notice how i count free days as weekends)

4. A Whole Bunch of Documents

I feel like a lost a child. Some of those documents were pretty fucking messed up, it isn't even funny. Every last dysfunctional part of myself was pretty much fucked up to begin with, but having it on something concrete, like on a document page, for instance, made me laugh. I guess having it on paper seemed so real and fucked up that it makes you think: "what the fuck am i doing, i've got to make this right". And in that essence, that moment of clarity, i laughed.

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I guess that's enough whining for the day. I've got to pull myself together,right now. Fuck, i feel so coolsauce.

Secrets

2010-07-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

Mood: the mojo is gone
Now Playing: nothing

I kind of like myself when im drinking chocolate. I get this weird conversations inside my head, you see. Don't get me wrong, they're not the multiple personality disorder kind, but instead conversations from people i usually create out of nothing. Sort of like a dialogue. I dunno. I find it pretty funny. There was once a dialogue between two pairs of siamese twins, and they kind of wished they could swap twins for a day. That kind of shit.

The Things We Ignore

2010-07-18T18:14:00.000-07:00

Mood: carpe diem~ish
Now Playing: april chase, paper mache

Holy crap i'm high on Ovaltine right now

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Anyhoo, here's a list of what happened to me this weekend:

1) Expelab report

Yes, that's about it. I'm such a fucking winner. :)) Expepsychlab is... to say the least, very very tiring. It consumes about a ton of one's braincells, and more. Like it consumes one's soul and shit. Y'know, all of that "deep" thing, only a hundred times worse; this being grounded in real life and all. Yeah.

ANDOH,SHITCAKES. I almost forgot. I just got the love of my life (sophie, the laptop) checked last Saturday. The guy with a weird face told me that she'll be needing new disks, so that means i'll probably be missing a lot of files and pictures and files and pictures. It sucks, yeah. But losing Sophie sucks even more, so i caved in and shelled 2K for the downpayment of stuff.

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This is one of the days (usually Mondays or Fridays) that i tell to myself that im gonna achieve something big, like getting published as an author, or suddenly acquiring awesome parkour/skating skills, or getting nominated for an award or receiving a trip to Venice and/or Italy on a scholarship grant. Yes, that big.

But when these days happen, all of those incredible things happen at a flash of light. There's no toil, no hard work, no sweat off my brow. It just happens. Bada bing, bada boom, and presto!

And at the end of days like these, i am hit by the realization that no matter where i look, no matter where i set my sights upon, there will always be huge mountains. And though there is a level and safe passage between those mountains, it's a passage that holds a huge number of people; for this is where the common people walk: The Road Most Traveled. Taken without hope, without passion, this road inevitably eats everyone up in the ordinariness of everything.

*inthevoiceofalittleboy*
I don't want to get eaten upppp~

aaand, cue epic crying. Cut.

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Bought a bunch of books at Powerbooks' PowerSale! last Saturday. A book of poems by Jean Sprackland and Christopher Pike's Die Softly. I haven't had the time to read yet (shit, it sounds pitiful even as i typed them in) so for now they're at my bed, waiting to be opened.

Like i said a couple of posts back. I want to write again.

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AND LOL GOOGLE CHROME. Hahaha. It translated my previous post. Here's the 1st paragraph:

I suddenly concentrated naisipang write Tagalog, and in fact, I'm having trouble. I do not know why, but I always forget what punctuation to every part of the 'big sentence, if the bugs made up every word and how to do each story in Tagalog. Ewan, too troublesome mind now. Gumugulo many things. Like flies. The hardness of the head, I said stay away first, still ahead approach.

LOL!! It sounds like a drunk conyo. With bullets in his head. Smoking weed and drinking horse piss. LOLOLOLOLOL.

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And just had to say this, but i just fucking realized.

I've been 18 for quite a while now. I AM GETTING OLD NOOOOOOOOO

Guni Guni

2010-07-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

Bigla kong naisipang magsulat ng puro Tagalog, at sa totoo lang, nahihirapan ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero palagi kong nakakalimutan kung ano ang dapat bantas sa bawat parte ng 'sang pangungusap, kung pano binubuo ang bawat salita at kung papaano ginagawa ang bawat kuwento sa Tagalog. Ewan, masyadong magulo pa ang isip ko ngayon. Maraming bagay ang gumugulo. Parang mga langaw. Ang tigas ng ulo, sinabi ko ng lumayo muna, sige pa rin ang lapit.

Para sa isang diskusyon sa kursong Panitikang Pilipino, naatasan akong magbasa ng isang maikling kwento ni Merlinda Bobis. Ma mura mura ako pagkatapos kong mabasa ang seleksyon. Si Bobis din pala ang may-akda ng matagal ko ng ng binabasa sa silid-aklatan, ang Banana Heart Summer. Nakakatuwa lang isipn na hanggang sa ngayon, binabalikan pa rin ako ng aklat na 'yon. Tadhana, kung tutuusin. Hindi ko pa kasi tapos e.

Nakakatuwang isipin na sa dami dami ng pwedeng mabasa, ang kay Bobis pa. Hindi ko alam a, pero sa pagkakabasa ko ke Bobis, palaging me patungkol sa pagkain ang kanyang sinusulat. Maganda at malinis ang pagkakagawa. Kung hindi pagkain, kabataan. Kung hindi kabataan o pagkain, inosensya. Ang ganda lang.

Sa ganitong daan tumatakbo ang isipan ko noon nung hinalintulad ko ang sarili ko ke Bobis. Ang galing kasi. At doon ko napagtanto na walang kwenta ang mga ginagawa ko ngayon. Siryoso. Napaka basura lamang at walang halaga. Masyadong mababaw, masyadong klaro at masyadong... walang kalaman laman ang mga naisusulat ko.

Kailangan ko pang magsanay.

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May kilala ako, at sobrang natutuwa ako sa kanya. Ang galing galing nyang sumulat, at sa katunayan, talagang gumagawa siya ng hakbang upang maipalimbag (?) sa mga dyaryo o magasin ang mga akda niya. Wala lang. Ang gandang isipin na sa bawat pag-yuko nya upang magsulat, may plano na siya at alam na niya ang dapat nyang gawin. Samantalang ako? Samantalang tayo? Anong ginagawa natin? Nakakasawa ng tumunganga lamang. Nakakasawa ng maging tapakan ng tao.

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Sinabi ng aking propesor kanina na kailangan mo daw gumalaw. Kailangan mong gumalaw para sa iyong sarili, maging mapusok at matapang sa tamang paraan. Nais kong maniwala sa kanya at sundin ang mga payo nya sa klase, subalit, ewan. Hindi ganoon kadali magbago. Lalo na't kung ako ikaw at ikaw ako? Mahirap. Sobrang hirap ang pagbabago.

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Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ang dami daming tao na ang hilig makipagkumpitensya. Inaano ba kita jan? Labo mo, tsong. Kung nais mong sayo lamang nakatutok ang ilaw, sayo na't wala akong interes sa mga ganyang klase bagay. Sapat na sakin sa likod kung saan madilim at puwede ka pang matulog. Hindi ba?

Always

2010-07-04T03:54:00.001-07:00

Mood: huh?
Now Playing: the pokemon theme song

In order to celebrate the almost recent release of the trailer of the last movie in the harry potter series, i give you this:

Lily's love. via http://www.fanpop.com (which, might i clarify, do not visit. just seen it off google. yep.)

Severus Snape's character has got to be the most pitiful character i have ever seen, but also the most compassionate. This is a bit late, but Rowling is a huge bitch for throwing that huge twist. Spoilers:

“But this is touching, Severus,” said Dumbledore seriously. “Have you grown
to care for the boy, after all?”
“For him?” shouted Snape. “Expecto Patronum!”
From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe. She landed on the office floor,
bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore
watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape,
and his eyes were full of tears.
“After all this time?”
“Always,” said Snape.

Damn it, Snape. Pass me that box of tissues.

Whatever Sails Your Boat

2010-07-02T22:17:00.000-07:00

Mood: irritated
Now Playing: nothing.

It's a Saturday, and I can't believe how pissed off i am. You know how it's hard to talk to people you don't really know? Turns out, we have to generalize it even more; it's hard to talk to people, even to those that you DO know. You say that we're friends, but friendship asks for more than just the common ground, the acceptance and all that shit. Sure, all of these qualities are important, but come on! You can't live on common ground and acceptance at all. It asks for certain things, and these certain things vary day by day, whether it be just a smile or a hello or an open ear or an open hand or just fucking "ui".

I know that people need someone of lesser importance to make them feel less like shit. People do that; I've seen this happen lots of times, and i've been both on the giving and the receiving end. We make others feel like shit to make us feel less miserable. That's why we have all of these cases of black sheeps in EVERY FUCKING group there is - school, workplace, family circles. I understand that. And just in case you don't know this, you only do this whenever your ego's burnt, or whenever you're depressed or whenever you're just trying not to cry (yes you fucker, i know when you're trying not to cry). AND I FUCKING TOLERATE ALL THAT SHIT. You think im just some asshole out there? Fine, and just so you know, i know you'll be okay once she starts coming home. She deserves you, and you deserve her, and you were great together. You think i'm just a stupid prick who can't even see straight? Yeah, sure and remember that fucker's a jerk for leaving, and i know things will get better eventually. Yeah, that's right, you fucking cunt. FUCKUFKFUCKFUCKC.

I don't want to complain, i fucking don't, really. But patience is a fucking virtue, and i've never been a virtuous person.It just fucking sucks, you know that? You think that it doesn't matter? You think that it doesn't hurt? FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. I'm sorry to break the news and im sorry to have to be the one to tell this to you, but it does. It DOES matter and it DOES hurt, you fucking ass. Only reason im still here is that i know this... whatever THIS is - it deserves better. It deserves all of the second chances in the world. FUCK THAT. It deserves the very best of all the second chances in the world. You're better than this. I'm better than this. Come on, man. Don't waste all of my patience away.

And by the way, don't think for a second that you know every inch of me. You don't know what i do, what i see, and the reason i do all of those meaningless things. You don't fucking know me at all. And one more thing, just in case other people get any ideas: NO, THIS POST DOES NOT REFER TO YOU AT ALL. Get your head out of your ass.

I can't believe how pissed off i am that i am forced to write a hate post. A HATE POST. FUCK. You realize what this means? YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS? I WROTE A FUCKING HATE POSLKWDLKASJDASJDASJSAKDJGRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHQWUS

You Will Never Bore Me

2010-07-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

Mood: wanting

Now Playing: FOE radio

Don't you just wish you could hop in one of these and just drive away?

via tumblr. http://talktothewalls.tumblr.com/page/25

i should really get me one of those tumblr things.

How To O(gre)rg an Org Fair and Other Musings

2010-06-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

Mood:(s)paced out
Now Playing: imago, sundo

done over a span of a week and a half. yeah, i know. late post is late, but what the hell.

i

So this year's theme was countries or something, and CSJ got the Germany ticket. I only know three things German: Kuya Rudy, beer and the Berlin Wall. And of course, let's not forget Hitler, so that puts my German list up to four. Still not a reasonable amount, i know right, but hey, whatever sticks, right?

This whole org affair lasted from Monday to Wednesday, and in that amount of time, we're supposed to reel in fresh and talented writers from the throng of unknown faces. It's a hard task, since i have reason to believe that writers are naturally timid people who speak with their pen and keyboard, not with their mouths. OR they're the complete opposite and be like this whizzing balls of energy ricocheting everywhere. Anyway, bottom line is, there's practically no middle ground, and it's hard to get them to join our happy org wagon.

There are a lot of things i'm just not meant to do, and i guess this is one of them. To reel in freshmen, I was standing here one moment and then off in a hurry the next. The heat was getting to me and there were an incredibly huge amount of people (who were not freshies) shouting and screaming "JOIN OUR ORG! JOIN OUR ORG!" so freaking hysterically that it was just plain fucking ridiculous. I'm sorry and i know it's just probably me and another streak of weirdness, but we're freaking sophies and juniors and senior students of the college of science, dude. Not some flea-bitten, fish-flipping shipdip on the market on a hot Sunday afternoon. It was just somewhat overboard, and frankly, it didn't help to add to the noise and the heat.

And let me tell you one thing; it just plain fucking sucked to be ignored. No one likes to be ignored, espescially when all you have to do is just smile and say "no thanks". Heck, I'll probably smile at you back (and curse you under my breath, but that's just me). I mean, what the hell did i do? I was just fucking trying to ask if you'd like a magazine. And i'm fucking smiling and people should know it's hard for me to smile and it's bad for my health to smile for a long time and then huh? Dedma langs? Nyay, sorry. Importante ka pala.

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I

I sort of had an epiphany this morning, as i rolled over and over in my bed. The thing is, we're all human beings by default, but it takes a lot more than just existing to become a person.

I remember spewing back in highschool that we're lucky to even exist. Like how compared to a rock, we're infinitely much better because we have the seat of emotions and logic on our side and we're capable of being aware of ourselves and our existence. Not unlike a rock, of course which will never feel a thing if we crack one open.

Now i revise; we're lucky to be existing, but we have the capability to be luckier than that. We can become someone. It takes a lot of courage to seek what we really want to be, and even more of it to take a hold of it for yourself. But once taken by the hem, it's ridiculously rewarding. I've seen this happen to a lot of friends and people in my life, but it never fails to amaze me. There's this guy who knows what he wants after college, and he is currently doing everything he can to reach it. There's this friend who knows that she wants to write, so she joins in this awesome programs and contests and seminars, and what-have-you. And still, there's another who believes in what he wants to be (although circumstance and other people's opinions say otherwise),and strives to achieve it. It's amazing, what more can i say? I want that. I want to realize what i really want to be. I tell people that i want to be a professor and a dad, but i'm not really sure if i want all that, y'know? I'm never sure about things, but i was hoping that in this question, in this manner, i would be sure about it.

Yeah, i know i suck. I just realized all of this a few hours ago. So now i think the more important question is: what the hell must we do to find this reason?

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ii

So yesterday i watched one of my friends in a judo practice session, and i was like "whoa" the whole time. And it was the good kind of "whoa", the kind that you do when your friend flips this large guy that's easily taller than him.

In a way, it was like watching a cockfight. We were behind this screen or something, looking at these bunch of people (both men and ladies) flip each other over. We walked off somewhere for a while, and when we come back, we see all of them doing these cool-down excercises that looked like, well, not cool-down excercises. They looked more like warm-ups to me, but i guess that's only because i know nothing of the art.

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iii

I met a lot of people this week, and it's pretty cool. I don't get to meet people that often, because apparently, a lot of them find me.. too weird. loljk, i dunno. I'm just not a people person; i think it's the dad side in me.

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II

So i got a message from someone this week, and it honestly GMH. I've been complaining about this for months now, about y'know, how we try so hard to find... things. And i think it's fair to say that to find things, we need to start moving ourselves, to grasp into that blanket of nothingness and trust that there will be indeed a hand waiting for ours on the other side of that nothingness. And i admit, it's a terrifying thought. But what can you do? Lost things need to be found, and who better to find your own lost things but, well, yourself?

I think i have something more to say regarding this subject, but again, im out of HP and MP, so.

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xx

Mahirap maglaro ng taguan. Lalo na't sa gabi tayo naglalaro. Bawat kaluskos, bawat tunog, bawat yapak ng paa, ang sa yo lamang ang inaabangan. At kahit na nakakatakot maghagilap sa kadilimang ito, hindi ako mangangamba o madadapa. Bakit? Dahil alam kong ikaw ang kasama ko.

sana lang makita na kita kaagad.

How To Find Things

2010-06-12T10:10:00.001-07:00

Mood: Mosby'd.
Now Playing: none.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and i still have no answer. How does one find things? Is it by chance, or by some movement of fate, or by a logical series of mental steps? Anyway, i'm not in a typing mood right now, but i'll leave this post with this line i got from watchang HIMYM. And yeah, the season's over, but give me a break, it's hard finding reliable sources. xD So anyway, Ted's at his class teaching stuff but then it leads to some, i dunno, confidence meltdown when he starts to question if he's ready for this ultimate girl-next-door-fling-crush-whatever he has. Then he realizes that he's scared to well, be ready, and then bam, two hands shoot up from his class:

Luis: "We're all scared, professor mosby"
Betty: "Doesn't being scared let you know you're on to something important?"

And it got me thinking; what if we become too scared to find the things that we're looking for? It's a perfectly logical thought. Why force yourself to do something you're afraid of, when in the first place, you don't know where to look, you don't know what you're supposed to find, or who the hell you're supposed to find. The world is huge place, and there are tons of hiding places and things to find out there. There's passion, there's dreams, there's friendship and of course, the thing that most people are probably thinking about as they read this: (or am i alone in thinking this? Oh come on, don't kid yourself) love.

And yeah, in case you were wondering, i also believe that whenever you're not looking for something, ka blam! you find it. It's highly annoying; it's never convenient, you waste time, effort and at some cases, money.

And by the way, i also share the last part of the line above:

Ted: "If you’re not scared, you’re not taking a chance. If you’re not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing?”

Hmm. Maybe i'll continue this in another post. I think i still have some stuff to say, but i'm all out of MP and HP right now, so.

Some Thoughts

2010-06-07T08:35:00.000-07:00

Mood: confused
Now Playing: we are the in crowd, we need a break

I guess i fucking need a break. Haha! I mean, if this is what summer vacations are going to be in the future, i'm not sure if i want summer vacations, after all. I've accomplished about only three of my summer-to-do-list, although i'm not sure if im too happy about it. I mean, i'm glad of course... but it's just so fucking confusing it's retarded. Hell, i'm retarded.

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Dear Everybody,

If you're scared and confused and you don't know a fucking thing is from another fucking thing just like me, i just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Everybody's not alone. And to think that we have about 6 billion or so people in this huge lump of rock, why should we be? But the thing is, the world is too big. It's too big that all 6 billion of us scamper around with our tails between our legs. And when we do meet and our paths intersect, we quickly dismiss our meeting as another mundane act of fate. Like it does not matter. Like it has no consequence or whatever.

The thing is, it does. Every meeting is an act of fate. Not to say that we can't change fate, we can. What im saying is we did not meet in a daze. We meet for a purpose. What we do with that purpose, with that reason, is entirely up to us.

Darwin said that we evolved. We're now this lumbering, hairless apes that are said to be on the top of the evolution ladder. We have the highest form of intelligence at our disposal. We have evolved.

I just hope we evolve into our next form a lot faster.
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I also want to speak fluently. Nope. I'm not a good speaker at all, even in informal situations. I stumble upon my words, i speak too fast, i get distracted by passing thoughts or interesting things and i never seem to have the right words at the right time. This sucking fucks.

There's a lot of things that i want to do right now, and one of them involves talking some deep stuff about somebody. Another involves skinning that person alive. Still another involves just.. i don't know. I know this is so fucking unclear and you probably hate me enough for being so vague already , but i just gotta say this.

I'm sorry for being a jerk. I really, really am.

There's This Cat

2010-05-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

Mood: good
Now Playing: electrico, hail to the friends.

So there's this cat, a huge female one with a green eye on the left, and a blue eye on the other around our neighborhood. Heterochromia, i believe this shit is called. She's supposed to be a stray, but she always meows for food at our doorstep, so i guess we're adopting her now.

Anyway, what's amazing about her is this: her two kittens died at birth, y'see. She disappeared for a week. The next thing we know, she has picked up 4 strays and adopted them as her own. She feeds them, licks them all over, and when it's time to eat, she lets them eat first before gobbling up the remains her adopted litter leaves.

Isn't that fkcing amazing?

Feels Like a Song

2010-05-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

Mood: feels like forever~
Now Playing: the weepies, and the world spins madly on

It's weird, how at times you feels so much like a song that sometimes, you wish you could write your own finishing verse or at least, the chorus.

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I'm sleeping early tonight. because goddamnit, i don't know how to feel.

Just Another One Of Those Posts Again

2010-05-01T05:15:00.000-07:00

Mood: geeky, with a dash of melancholy thrown in.
Now Playing: after hours, we are scientists

I can't seem to sleep. Yeah, it's still 9 in the evening, but for once, i want to sleep early. Yeah, i know. Pretty flkasjdking weird, right? It's not that i have nothing better to do; on the contrary, there's a ton of things i should be doing right now. But what pushes me to want sleep even though my body doesn't need it is something which is unfathomable, and it eats me whenever i close my eyes. It's like there's this gaslight inside your head, and it casts such a deep dark shadow on everything that it makes it hard to see clearly. And, trust me, it's not that i like drama and all that shit, it's just.. ugh. It just comes, y'know.

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I once hoped that i'd suddenly have multiple personality disorder. Yeah, i know it's a disease,and pathologically unsound, and i know i'm imperfect and fugly already. But hey, ever since i was little, i kept my ears open, hoping that i'd have this voice inside me that i could just talk to and get insights from, and whenever there's a need to be, push that other persona on to my consciousness while i take a seat back and relax in my subconscious. I think i wanted 6 personalities, each representing a facet of my original personality; geeky, wrathful, melancholic, sinful, happy-go-lucky, fearful, with a seventh personality as the original me. We'd have different names so that people won't get confused and learn how to deal with each persona. And it'd be fun times.

Don't get me wrong; i'm not crazy nor do i want your pity or any of your faux kindness. And yes, I do know that it's wrong to wish imperfections, esp. on to myself, and that it's wrong to be discontented with what God gave me. But seeing as im already made up of so many strange and weird imperfections than most people do already, i guess another one wouldn't hurt, would it?

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My gums are feeling better already; though it feels pretty fulkdacking weird to reach my tongue up there and not feel my wisdom tooth; but rather the aftereffects of stitching. It's pretty cool by the way; i now have a vial containing a piece of what i eat with. Cooly.

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May 6th, 2010:

I remember this conversation a few years back. One of my friends once told me that what i see and what she sees are fundamentally different; i see imperfections and mud, she sees individuality and uniqueness. And while i revel in this mud like a stick left to wallow in it forever, she celebrates this uniqueness and does nothing to stop it from flowing out. And i guess it's kind of depressing why im not made like that, y'know, that certain mindset of hers. And what's even more depressing is knowing how hard the path to that redemption is, and how impossible it is for me to achieve a fraction of that brilliance. It's like im this huge moon and she's this huge sun and she gives these brilliance that i can only hope to imitate but to never call my own. And it fucking sucks.

I know im not destined for greatness, for prominence or for glory and any other cookie-cutter rewards. I suck, and i hate people, though not necessarily both at the same time. It's always been there and it always will be; the feeling that deep down inside, you'll never get to be the hero. It's infuriating to realize this, and even more so to have it rubbed in your face. It feels even worse - yes my life just keeps getting better and better - when the hands that rub it in are the hands that i'll probably never escape from.

Days With My Dentist

2010-04-15T04:30:00.000-07:00

Mood: oks lang.
Now Playing: valkyrie missile, angels and airwaves

DAY 1: "You Need Surgery!" and other painful words.

I've always been proud of my teeth. Well not by it's whiteness or shit, but by it's structure; some dentist long ago once told me that i had one of the best looking set of teeth there is - evenly spaced, with no breaks or shiznit in between. As a kid, that was one of the best compliments i've ever heard in my life (though admittedly, i was still a kid and i cried a lot back then, so she may have been just saying that to make me feel better, but what the hell ). Life would have been so perfect and great if things remained like that forever and ever, but nooo. It just had to change; i grew up, discovered junk food, discoverd street food, and realized how much amazing food there is in the world, and bang! before i knew it, i had this throbbing pain - like gnawing at blocks of ice for a long long while - in my gums.

And so with much nagging and nagging - and did i mention nagging - from my dear mother, i went to this dentist. She looked pretty kind, and smiled a lot, which showed her set of white, even teeth - though i guess that comes with the job description. She motioned for me to sit down on the dentist's chair, y'know, the one with those weird drills and suction and water spraying devices.

"So let's see what we have today, Daryl. *smile* Open your mouth, " she says. I do as she says, expecting her to say "ah yan, tinga lang yan. here, have some floss and candy" But nope. Suddenly, she exclaims "Hala ayan! Ang laki na ng sira ng third molar mo! kelangan ng bunutin to! *taps the mtherlkajdlsckin tooth* ayan Daryl o, impacted na ung tooth mo, o.. naku, kelangan ng bunutin yan *smiles*"

If my molar had a face, i would have punched it out of the galaxy.

So she informs me that basically, my teeth are too cramped, and this one molar is disturbing the others, because as it turns out, it's root is digging into the other teeth's roots. And then she launched into this litany on how i should take care of my teeth, how i should floss every meal and floss, floss, floss. And basically, i have to get my third molar out of there before it digs in anymore and hurt my other teeth.

Then she sat me down on the chair again - in my agitation i had stood up, panicking - and proceeded to explain that i needed ten tooth fillings or else i will shrivel up and die. Kidding, who shrivels up and dies nowadays? But yeah, i needed the ten teeth fillings badly. But, since all the moolah i had on me that day could only afford one, i went home with single tooth filling and a promise to come back later that week.

DAY 2: That Other Day

So after two days, i went to see the dentist again, this time to fill in the 9 remaining fillings i needed to have. Placing in a single filling already hurt so bad. Placing in 9 fillings all at once was pure hell. The third molar throbbed like crazy and she kept on filling the spaces NEAR the third molar itself, thereby adding MORE pain. The drill was whirring like crazy and there i was, my mouth open for like 2 hours, while she poked in and out of my teeth. I could have sworn i heard a giggle somewhere in between those two hours, but what the hell.

To amuse myself, i let my mind wander across the room. She had put on this cd earlier on, and i smiled at that; at least she tried to make me feel better. I closed my eyes ( my mouth was still open ) and tried to focus on the music alone, not the sound the drill was making. I steadied myself and tried my best to drown myself in the sound of... waves crashing(?!). Huh? Okay, sure, whatever.

Half an hour with my mouth open and with nature-sounding sounds in the background isn't a good idea. By the time she was finished, two hours of my youth was spent, and so was my tolerance for pain.

DAY 3: "Not A Bleeder!"

Day 3 found me rnging the bell to this dental surgeon my dentist recommended. Like what i've
been doing the past 3 days, i sat down on the dental chair and opened my mouth real wide. The dental surgeon was a big burly guy with a set of the roundest eyes i've ever seen. He smiled when i entered the room and gestured for me to sit down on the operating chair.

"So, Daryl" he began "Did Dr. _____ explain the procedure to you? We're going to have to cut through here (traces my cheek downwards with his finger) and then we'll probably have to break your molar to ge it out. As you know, your third molar is adding pressure on your other teeth's roots, so we have to get it out right away. I can also surmise that the other third molar - that is, the one on your right - is not a bit far off, and should also need removal. I urge you to do it ASAP. Do you have any questions?"

I looked at the equipment, a big screwdriver thingy, a drill, suction, and a set of surgical knives.

"Just one, Doc. Will there be pain?"

He smiled at that and reaches inside the drawers beside him. He takes out this little needle, and flicks the tip.

"No, Daryl. At least not in the way you expect it to be."

Damn, this guy is doing a terrific job of terrifying me, i remember thinking. But all things asdie, he is a pretty good surgeon, anyway. He puts on this CD and i almost laughed out loud. Vivaldi? On a dentist trip? Who would've thought.

He made me relax on the chair and open my mouth. He brings the needle in closer and baam~ sticks my gums with it. Dizzy and disoriented by the sudden movement, i closed my eyes. Wrong move.

He sticks in another needle, and this time, i felt numbness. Like someone stopped the flow of your blood. The surgeon smiled, and then proceeded to do his work. A few minutes later, i heard him exclaim, "Wow, Daryl. You're not a bleeder!"

I wish i could've talked to him right then and there, on lots of things. One of them does not concern dentistry.

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So, here i am, typing away, with a throbbing 5 stitches to my left gums and a freaking headache to boot. I have no idea how i got the headache, and i guess i;m better off leaving it that way; clueless. After all, there are times when the saying "what you don't know won't hurt you" comes true anyways.

Taking Notes

2010-04-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

Mood: busy
Now Playing: Kelsey, Metro Station

I've been hitting into a lot of things these past few days, and it keeps getting worse that im actually wondering if i should do something about it, like wear armor around the house for instance. It's getting to the point that if there is a piece of furniture nicely tucked out of the way, i will sure as hell find a way to fling myself on it, be it with the use of slippery floor, a sudden emergence of a banana peel or - my gahd, i do not understand how i could've done this - tripping on my own two feet. It's frustrating, believe me.

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Maybe this was how things were meant to be. We can't win against fate if, from the get-go, we were never meant to be the winners, never meant to be the ones that get first prize, or second, or third. Fact is, we're just little bits of people that look up to the sky and stars and hope that one day we'll be just like that - shining so damn beautifully in space. We can't win the race. It's impossible. We can't be all heroes. We all can't have a vorpal sword that goes snicker snack in face of adversity. We can't shed off our identity and adopt our own Jerome Morrow. We can't save our faujkdcking princess from beasts and nightspawns. Why? Because there will always be someone, or in the worst of cases, something that would always side with Fate and the natural order of things and prevent us from going at it. It could be religion. Values. Country. Your own imperfections. The list is many and endless. Bottome line is: there are people that can't win this faudwsdcking race, and im sad to say that a lot of people are in this category. It's just the freaking way things go.

im just typing this in to say that i'm done. Im quitting this damn race for superiority, for love, for passion. Im done, gentlemn. Im through with being clawed upon at the throat, just for a chance at the stars. Im through slaying jabberwockies just for sake of exp points, had enough of being Jerome Morrow, grown sick of saving bitching sissies who just don't know the concept of the word gratitude. Im quitting this godawful race whilst i still have my limbs and sanity left. Don't get me wrong, i'm still shooting for the stars, yeah, that's one thing im still certain of. But the thing is, i can't fucking run to the finish line anymore, espescially with the ferocious line of awful things that have me in their crosshairs. I'll get there, undoubtedly. So you'll excuse me for bowing out of your race that you're so damn bent on winning. Cheers and goodluck with that, mate.

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Recently, i've read Teves' last book, The Wedding, and a line there caught my attention. Basically, he says that we can't remember pain. To borrow his words, "we only remember the fact that something causes pain - fire burns, knives cut - but we're incapable of remembering the pain itself." (Teves, 2010)

There are nights when i beg to differ, and nights where i nod in agreement. How about during the daytime? Of course, i sleep.

consolation, II

2010-04-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

Mood:pretty much okay.
Now Playing: kids in glass houses, raise hell

So it's 2:30 in the morning, and i can't sleep. I know i WANT to, and i sure as hell know that i NEED to, but my body just won't follow. Now this is remarkable in itself, as i have been amaazingly depriving myself of sleep this past few days, but still... and the thing is, i don't know if i can still pull this off; writing these posts that must always have a little room for hiding things in. Maybe it's just me, yeah sure. But the thing about staying up late at this time of the.. the morning, without a plan or a decision,even is just plain stupid.

Anyway, i'll be going to my highschool in a few hours time, and gahd im nervous as hell. Im supposed to be just picking up some things and my yearbook... but this just feels weird, y'know. Like im not supposed to be there anymore. Like the present batch has overtaken the school and overwritten my memories of the school in it. Like if i touch something, i'll have destroyed something which they have fought and loved for, and i'd hate to do that. I might get fragged by saying this, but I guess what im saying is that im betting it'll feel weird; to be at the school but at the same time, to not be. Your memories are still there, of course. But you can't erase the fact that this generation will undoubtedly have carved their own memories into stone pillar after every stone pillar, and im guessing it'll feel awkward. that's all.

And another thing; it's like this yearbook is what binds me to this school, y'know. Y'see, it's like my one-way ticket to see my school again, to have a legit excuse to peek in here and out. And, as with usual one way tickets go, i hate to throw my tickets away without having a spare one in my pocket. It's childish, i know. And plenty pitiful, i understand that. But know that i can't do things without an assurance of something - something that will lead me to believe that what im doing is worth the risk, is worth fighting for. In this case, if i give away my one way ticket.. all i want to ask is, is it really worth getting that freaking yearbook?

I know it's completely unsupported by facts and reason, and a lot of things here will confuse even the brightest of my friends or the shiniest of the stars, but hey. That's what emotions are for, aren't they? To give meaning to which we cannot attribute logic or reason.

I seem to be an emotional person, then.

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So, it's 2:16 in the afternoon, quite a few hours between the 1st paragraphs up there and the time of writing. Im just lucky i saved this post as a draft, so it looks like i have a chance to add some shit in here.

Aaanyway, about the part about disturbing the shit and all that, i was right; it did felt really awkward to be there. We chanced upon classroom upon classroom and boom, my 4th yr classroom was turned into a freaking spanish lab or something. I mean, what the hell, spanish lab. It's practically great, it's amazing, it's cool that the school's finally getting some real props, but.. aun. it doesn't change the fact that what was the epic shit for me is just another classroom to them. i dunno. it's getting too dramatic for words, and im not in much of a writing mood today.. but. aun. i know nothing.

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went to a bookstore today, and half an hour later, finished reading vince teves' third and final book, The Wedding. It's just one of those summit books that you can get at 150, but gahd. The words hit home, the story hits home, and you could actually taste the emotions in it. Im not freaking kidding. It makes sense.

Probably the only thing that makes sense to me nowadays.

Consolation, I

2010-03-19T12:52:00.001-07:00

Mood: nostalgia.
Now Playing: ddurarara! ED.

It's been a super busy week, that unless my bed was right beside me, i would have probably never slept in a bed at all. There's also a lot of issues to cover, both academic and not, that need fixing. Some of them are so big that they take up the whole of my mind and swim in and out of my thoughts incessantly, while some are even bigger, that they slip through my teeth, like little fishes do. And that just sucks as hell, you know.

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One of the numerous things i hate (aside from people, the government and such) is the fact that people always change. I'm too tired to elaborate any furter, ( and partly because i know there is a chance that i'm just overthinking things and mostly because i have no idea what the hell happened between.. between everything) but just allow me to say one thing: im sure that everything happens for a reason. and the only thing i want to know is exactly that. what the F happened? was it just some cosmic force majeure? is this justics? payment? punishment? the possibilities are endless.

and just in case you're wondering if you're the one im talking about, stop. you don't know me, you don't how this feels, and you don't know how it sucks to be on the confused end. smile, im not mad. just confused. (again)

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on the other side of things, it looks like i'll be staying more and more at home, because of some... some sucky reasons. and it is with increasing alarm that i begin to notice how many movies and shit my sophie has acquired this past few months. will begin to declutter it, i will.

On Religion

2010-01-31T01:30:00.000-08:00

Mood: nothing much
Now Playing: stand by me, the brilliant green

*longoverduepost*
So mom woke me up today and asked me to hear mass at an SM. Half asleep, i tried to prod my brain awake to process what she was saying. Mass? At some mall? asjdhasjdasdjaskld. Don't get me wrong, im not one of thos conservatives or orthodox church-goer or whatever it is they call that nowadays that adhere to their religion rigidly. Truth be told, im more of the liberal kind of church guy - someone who believes in the whole Faith, not in the system. Call it liberal. Call it unorthodox. I basically don't care.

Aaaanyway, so aun. We were there at 9 in the morning, and i was against the whole idea, liberal as i was. I mean, hearing mass in a mall? That's like eating crucifx-shaped chocolates in the Sistine Chapel. Let's give the guy upstairs some credit, eh, and put Him in a place where he belonged - a solid, honest to goodness church.

But to my amazement, it turns out i was wrong about the whole thing and may have to revamp my religious thinkings. The priest was animated in his discussion, and lo and behold - the 2nd reading was one of my most favorite lines ever. It's 1 Corinthians 13:1-13, which is

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels,
but have not love,
I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol.
And if I have prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith so as to remove mountains,
but have not love, I am nothing.
And if I dole out all my goods, and if I deliver my body that I may boast
but have not love, nothing I am profited.
Love is long suffering, love is kind, it is not jealous,
love does not boast, it is not inflated. It is not discourteous, it is not selfish,
it is not irritable, it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things, it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,it endures in all things.
Love never falls in ruins; but whether prophecies, they will be abolished; or
tongues, they will cease; or knowledge, it will be superseded.

For we know in part and we prophecy in part.
But when the perfect comes, the imperfect will be superseded.
When I was an infant, I spoke as an infant,
I reckoned as an infant;when I became [an adult],
I abolished the things of the infant.
For now we see through a mirror in an enigma,
but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then
I shall know as also I was fully known.

But now remains faith, hope, love,
these three; but the greatest of these is love.

mygahd. It's amazing really. The priest was talking about how to hear the Word, and aklsjdlaks, he was right. He said that every minute of our lives, Someone speaks to us. All we have to do is listen hard enough, to sense hard enough.

He had a point, gais, and he defended it. He believed in it. He talked about how He talks to us in every minute of our lives, and all we have to do is to listen to it. We have a choice. We can either hear it or just bam, walk away from it.

aside story: I was constantly reminded of that book by Coelho, The Alchemist. In it, Santiago was given two stones - Urin and Thummim that would basically guide him in making decisions, as it speaks the languange of the world. Sa isip isip ko, baka lahat ng tao kelangan ng ganun sa pang araw-araw na pamumuhay. Then i realized the fallacy of my thoughts: we don't need two stones to guide us. We don't really need to stick to the basic rules of religion. What we really need is an open ear and a mind that accepts the things that we hear.

But what struck me more inside was the manner by which the priest connected to the people. I mean, it transcended the simple roles of sermoner and sermonee, it did. It felt like - if only for a minute or two - that we were in the presence of something remarkable and surreal, and it seemed to me that if i move even a muscle, i would lose the magic and would have to start again from scratch.

I'm in danger of ranting on and on in the wrong way here, so let me give it to you straight. I guess what i'm trying to say is that the place doesn't matter. There are lots of questions, but the most important ones aren't When or What or Who, but the How and the Why. It doesn't matter if you hear mass in some forsaken town in the middle of anywhere, or in with front row tickets at the sistine chapel. What matters is when after leaving the building, you take something along with you, and whether you use it or not. That's what i think.

Taking The Red Pill

2010-01-15T23:41:00.000-08:00

Mood: nothing much
Now Playing: Yellowcard's cover of Breathing

I'm writing this at the UST humanities section of the lib, a few hours after everyone's gone home. The weird thing about this is that it's a Saturday and yes, like most students, i'm not even supposed to be in the university today. Yet here i am, looking like a complete jerk with my hoodie on and my earphones plugged in and my smile plasterd on my face as the one sitting next to me is reading a manga i think i recognize. And just in case you lean over and read this, know that i frequent that manga site too, as the other site is blocked by UST's stringent anti-virus measures.

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Missed the 1st half of my chemistry lab quiz the other day, and it's so depressing i wish i can just die. Yes, can. Normally i wouldn't have felt bad about this, but the thing is, i just spent a morning reading up some hydrocarbons on the internet and actually acting like what a normal student should act like. What makes it worse is that i feel like i screwed up the 2nd half too, as i was just too pissed to think clearly - why do i get pissed at the mose inoppurtune times, i wonder - that i completely forgot what i jammed in my reviewer earlier that morning. And to think that when i finally try and get some work done, i get shot down and have to start again from scratch. And it hurts even more because the reasons why i arrived late are completely illogical and completely pathetic it's practically a classic.

But just like what my friend always says, all's well that ends well. Although arguably that phrase actually applies to her only - she's like this weird ball of positive energy, you see - i feel like i should believe in that, too.

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Took the LTS test today, and it was a breeze. LOL. Not that i actually found the test to be THAT easy, but mostly because i practically don't have any standard to live up to, so it's easy not to get too disappointed, but anyway...

Saw someone for the 1st time today, too, and it was great~ Minus the fact that i was completely jealous of her PE - which, by the way is CHEERING. Damn, why don't they have this in UST gaah - and her extensive Pike collection. And if you're reading this, thanks by the way for the kind words and the book you lent me. xD

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I should get going soon. But before i do, i'm stopping at some convenience store to buy some Soya milk so i can stay up late studying. I'm sorry, I lied, even I have some standard to live up to, and i guess falling short of it again is not an option. Like i've said, one of my resolutions is to try and run forward to the finish line, and to do that i have to be someone first.

PS.
I realize my hands have been flying throughout the keyboard for a full thirty minutes already, and i'm worried im making too much noise in a library. But then again, it's not like there's a whole bunch of people here - the humanities section is one of the less-visited places in the library, and i cannot fathom why.

PPS.
I hate everything. But it's actually just a lie. I happen to like most people, it's just too freaky to trust in something that concrete and separate away from you, you know?

Starting 2010 pt2

2010-01-10T02:39:00.000-08:00

Mood: fine
Now Playing: NGS, Asian Kung Fu Generation

aand, lastly...

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD (insert name) IN 2009 THAT..

1. Maybe someday i'll tell you a lot of things, and that would explain why im just tripping around all the time. And also, i wish you'd do something about yourself; you just keep getting more amazing everyday.
2. I get tired of your rants sometimes, but then you do something completely amazing and true i just can't help but admire at how resilient you are. And i mean this in a good way.
3. Look, im sorry if can't be the one you wanted to be. But this is me, and i'd like you to know that half of what's written on my walls is all about how you controlled my freaking life. And take care all the time, by the way.
4. Sometimes i'd like to ask you sir, if you have any idea how much that damn play was worth? The answer: priceless.
5. You sell like hotcakes, and i wanted to buy some a long time ago, but then i noticed how different the inside tastes from the outside. You're still cool, though.
6. I know you have some issues, man, and i wish i could do something about it. I really really wish i could.
7. We can be friends, if only you could stop being a jerk.
8. It's been great knowing that no matter how far you are, you're still at home with your home tongue. And i wish i could say that you look better (which, by the way is true), but i kind of like the old quiet version better.
9. You're amazing - a true artist indeed. I saw you a few weeks back, and wow. You look like you're doing great, which i hope you really are.
10.Cheers, dude. You're like someone who could fend for himself, and that's cool. No, srsly, it's been amazing know how convoluted your mind works, and i mean that in a good way.
11. Im really really sorry you arrived late at your enrolment. Whenever i think about it, it gives me the chills. Seriously.
12. Goodluck, dude, for a lot of reasons. Patience is a virtue, and i hope that whatever you're waiting for is worth the wait.
13. It looks like people are giving you more and more responsibility, dude. I pray that you'll be able to get thro ugh them. If not, then we're here as your backup.
14. You're the weirdest person i've ever met, and also one of the coolest. It makes for an awesome combo! Three cheers, my friend.
15. Hang in there. We're all here with you.
16. I get the feeling that you're just pretending to be this bigshot person, getting to know this, getting to know that. I just want you to know that you don't have to do that; we like you for you, not how connected you are.
17. I wish we could hang out more. I miss the days when we cut class and sneak on the roof and watch as the world crawl like insects.
18. We sure do dream big, do we? That's what i like most about you - you're a freaking visionary, and i like that. Sorry im out of touch most of the time, srsly. And goodluck with your issues, mehn. :)
19. You don't know how to teach. That is a certainty.
20. Maybe someday you'd surprise us all by suddenly getting in sync again. I'd like that. I mean, you're starting to show more life now, and it's a good thing, congrats.
21. We've only known each other for a while ( i mean really know ) and i've seen something great and cool already. Cheers.
22. It looks like everybody looks up to you, and you don't even know it. You probably wouldn't even know that this is about you - that's how oblivious you are to praise. And i sort of like that about you, you know. Yeah.
23. Im really really sorry. For a lot of things i should have done. And, aun. Im still hoping for a next time?
24. Everybody just gravitates toward you, it's freaking amazing.
25. You're like the Pinoy version of Luna Lovegood, the likelikness is very uncanny. I sort of like that about you, and i think it'd be great if you sort of livened up a bit. Just don't liven up too much though. I kind of like the way you are right now, too.

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THE YEAR IN BLOGPOSTS

JANUARY - How I Spent My Week parts 1 and 2
FEBRUARY - Spending February, parts 1 and 2
MARCH -Dreaming is so cool
APRIL -Screw You and Being Wet
MAY -Damn it Scrubs and A Lot of Things and Nothings.
JUNE - Lokohan
JULY - I Think You Should Read This and Venting
AUGUST - My Thoughts In About a Thousand Characters
SEPTEMBER - Losing My Mojo and Some Shit That Just Needed Shitting
OCTOBER - no posts. kalain mu un.
NOVEMBER - Hantungan
DECEMBER - In Shining Armor and All For a Saturday

Yep. I guess that's it for a year starter post.
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Resolutions?
I think i only have one or two. The first one is to run forward and race towards the finish line. The other? Im sort of keeping it to myself. For now. :)

continued from part 1

Starting 2010 pt 1

2009-12-31T11:04:00.000-08:00

Mood: yeah.
Now Playing: barbara ann, the beach boys.

So although it's been a week into 2010, this is my 1st post for the year 2010, the year of the whatever. This year's new year's eve was funny; there was a freaking full moon, and from what i've heard, it's pretty special, since its the 2nd full moon this month. So anyway, the night's highlight (apart from the pretty lights and the sounds) happened when i, complete with a trumpet on my mouth, was sitting on one of the balcony's bench chairs. I leaned back to look at the moon above and was suddenly reminded of wolves howling at the moon, their long fur bunching around their necks and their posture erect, whilst us humans were content blowing on a trumpet, leaning quite carelessly on a bench. I dunno. It was just weird. Like we were howling at some forgotten instinct, using the trumpets as the medium to howl at the moon. Then i brushed off the thoughts and helped myself to another spoonful.

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2009 in wordss:

Personally, it was visually compelling. From this viewpoint, all i could remember were the cool and manly times. Social psychologists call this rosy retrospection, but i prefer to call it nostalgia. Adds a little bit of reality, y'know. So anyway, why visually compelling? Why, it just seemed like a good choice of words at the time. LOL. haha. You know fireworks, right? They're just like that; visually compelling and like badabing badabom dey see me rolling~... that kind of shiz.

Aaand, if you're familiar with them fireworks, then maybe you know the feeling you get when you see them flashing up the sky and then you close your eyes and boom, you could still see them even with your eyes closed. I know there's a term for that, but ohwell. The point is, 2009 was just like that - a visually compelling series of fireworks that you could take anywhere, cause you could close your eyes and tune out everything, but still, you know that the second your eyelids hit home, you'd still see those fireworks like it was happening right now. 2009 was pretty much like that - fun and boredom and weirdo and gay filled. Each day was pretty much interesting, in one way or another, even though at times i'd like nothing better than to go straight home and sleep in my bed. Maybe there were bad times, yeah. Like studying up for a chemlab quiz or staying awake during a chemlec lecture or just the simple pain of getting up for another day's school work. But i suppose having some aslkdjasklfriendsaslkdjas going through the same shiz means and helps a whole lot.

And i suppose i'd like to thank those guys who made waking up every monday morning a bit easier - friends. The ones that matter are the ones that are. You people are the best and my god, i can't believe im saying this cheesy sort of stuff, but cheers for more years to come, and i like you all, you sons of beaches! xD

I don't think im making enough sense, do you? HAHA. demmet.

AND OH DEMMET. 2009 was freckled heavily with disasters and shiz too. I-i can't think of anything to say to those who were affected by the huge ass shiznit that kept coming on us like rain. No, seriously. I just hope that whatever they'e doing to cope, whatever they're doing to rebuild their lives again, sticks like shiz.

By the way, I kind of like long lists now, soo..

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2009 IN FLASHBACKS

1. Staying up late even more.
2. Dulasawit days.
3. Birthdays. (other people's of course. i still don't like my birthdays)
4. Movies at Bren's.
5. ~~Porn~~ Movies at Nichola's.
6. Them painting my cabinet white.
7. 1st summer class. and hopefully, the last.
8. In school at 5 in the morning.
9. Editing a soundtrack over and over and over again.
10. Eating street food
11. Eating street food with friends. argh drama.
12. Too much drama.
13. Overdosing (i think) on stress tabs and biogesics.
14. Backflipping.
15. Feeling so stupid, it hurts like hell.
16. Coming to terms.
17. Progressing, with dad.
18. Getting published in college for the first time.
19. Finding things interesting instead of finding it dull.
20. Kicking a football ball.
21. Playing games on the grass with a lot of amazing people.
22. Overnighting at Cavite.
23. Overnighting everywhere.
24. Waking up on the wrong side of bed. Literally.
25. Receiving a giant ass pillow. Colored pink. agggh. haha xDD

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continued here.

The Things Christmas Can Do

2009-12-25T08:46:00.000-08:00

Mood:
Now Playing: the con, tegan and sara

So it's Christmas, and my gahd, the air is freezing even when it's all sunny and bright and amazing a little while ago. And i guess this weather is freaking perfect, it feels amazing when this sudden blast of wind assaults your face and you close your eyes for a second and then bam~ you feel the sun on your eyelids. It's freaking amazing, what could i say.

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Anyway, a little while ago my relatives came over to visit. And these two kids, see? They're freaking balls of freaking energy, it's as if their muscles are made out of chemical x or something. mygahd. We have these.. shooting things called Nerfs. They fire these little air bullets made of a suction end and some.. some plastic foam as the bullet's body. mygad, hala sige, baril kung baril. soon enough, the stairs had them bullets sticking out like sum kind of weird mushrooms. didn't took long enough for us to join in and pretty soon, we were firing at each other's faces like sum demented chuck norris fan.

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we ate a late dinner, and by the time the ham was gone, they were already sharing stories, catching up and shit. you know how adults go; they get caught up in their own little worlds so much that when the rare opportunity like this comes in which they can share and bond, they do it in generous helpings.

and so this was how i got acquainted with a myriad of stories told over mouthfuls of chocolate cake, ham, liempo and alcohol. Some were pretty weird and like O.O, others short and pretty shallow and sometimes there were stories behind stories, like those subliminal messages and shit. And i guess this was more like a release for them, more therapeutical than for the sake of entertainment. One thing's funny, though. Adults still don't understand the concept of telling a joke, and more than once, i was forced to laugh, which by the way is ironic, because im not fan of forced laughter. haha.

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So after the guests left, and Dad was about halfway through his bottle, he started telling stories my gad. it was horrifying to hear your dad tell you stories about his childhood (or in his case, lack of) and other things. And as much as i hate to admit it, he's a aslkjdaing amazing person. i mean, he finished an infrastructure project that was due in 8 months in 2 freaking months, leaving a huge 6-month allowance. that's gotta be freaking amazing. plus i feel like he's coming to terms with all this old age thing, and i suppose that's a good thing. at least we haven't had a shouting match in the first few days he's been here, and that's a really good thing, i suppose.

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OHSHIT, I JUST REMEMBERED A LINE FROM THE BOOK I'VE BEEN READING. AND I SWEAR I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT BEFORE, IT JUST HAPPENED AS I WAS TYPING THE ABOVE PART OF THIS BLOGPOST.

Through it all, despite it all, Eddie privately adored the old man, because sons will adore their fathers through even the worst behavior. It is how they learn devotion. Before he can devote himself to God or a woman, a boy will devote himself to his father, even foolishly, beyond explanation.

-the five people you meet in heaven.

mygsd. what conspiracies. i don't know whether to clap or sleep nao.

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i know i practically say this every damn blogpost, but i've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, and it's pretty much creeping me out. there's a lot of things i want to make sure of, like whose life i'll walk with will be, or like will the things with a lot of things settle down, or will i ever finish this thing im doing. and it's amazing to think that i can still stumble through the day without knowing the answers to these questions, or without going crazy at the thought of it. but i guess in the end, happiness is a state of mind, and although

EDIT. holy crap what the hell was that right now. the next part grossed me out, so... *delete*delete*delete*

Thank You, Ashley Bell

2009-12-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

Mood: yay
Now Playing: kimi no shiranai monogatari, supercell.

i think i've finally understood the true meaning of the word "PAIN". My whole ankle freaking hurts like someone is constantly sawing the bones inside. How can you get this lovely sensation, you ask? why, just walk around moa for like 6 hours non stop, with no breaks and shiz. my gad, i swear i hear myself creak whenever i move. laksdjlakdj. haha xDD

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anyway, this blogpost isn't about my aches and pains, nope. it's this book, y'see. and i guess a lot of people are familiar with the title: the five people you meet in heaven, by mitch albom. and the cool thing is, i ,managed to find a HARDBOUND copy of it at a booksale for 125 pesoooos. amazing right? right.

but the more amazing thing is the first page. there it is, in the top left corner of the page is written Ashley Bell, 12/04. - from Mom. and my gad, that is the most touching thing i've seen today. mygadmygadmygad. pretty freaking amazing, if you ask me. i was just passing by a booksale when i suddenly had the urge to boom, look inside. i walk in, and the first thing i see is this book and the next thing i know i was resisting the urge to pump a fist in the air and scream "yessz beaches!"

i kind of like the idea of having a book with your name on it going places. like you get this feeling that somewhere out there, someone is reading the same book that you read a few years ago. somewhere out there, someone is feeling the same feelings that you got, too. it's pretty mysterious, when you think about it. will the person pass it on, too? or will the chain stop right freaking there?

i knew i said before that this post would not consist of my whining but... DEMMET EVERYONE. would someone just chop of my feet so it wouldn't hurt anymore, kthanks.

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also bought the latest kikomachine, and a paperback copy of charlie and the chocolate factory, complete with illustrations from quentin blake. B-)

i so love booksale right now. if booksale was human we would've been best buds. :D

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and oh, mom and dad met me up at moa, then we ate at mang inasal. good fooood. i think i just my own weight in chicken, which i guess is not a good thing. sigh. hahaha. xDD merr christmas na nga lang. xD

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and in case the real ashley bell who was given this book by her mom reads this, know that your book is in good hands. and yeah, thanks again.

In Shining Armor

2009-12-17T09:43:00.000-08:00

Mood: wow yay
Now Playing: attack in black, young leaves.

Garden State remains as one of the cutest movies iver ever seen. asldkjas. i dunno about you guys, but... arghhhdaskdsl;kd;sds;ldk. Aside from the awlkdjaslkdjaslkdjas cute story it dishes out, it has a killer soundtrack that blends in perfectly. It has its faults, yes (like the rushed ending), but the two leads, Braff and Portman, portray their characters so perfectly and cutely it makes me want to aslkdjalskdj. They look so damn cute together, too. This line alone from Andrew and Sam floored me. This happens as andrew's friend, Mark, leads them around a wild goose chase around town. They start in a hardware store, then a peep hotel until they finally land in a seemingly deserted quarry.

Andrew Largeman: I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!
Sam: I'm not innocent.
Andrew Largeman: Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay?
And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy
quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing
turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!
Mark: Man... that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.
Sam: (to Mark)He's protecting me.(smiles and giggles)
Andrew Largeman: (hesitantly, to Sam) So?
Sam: He *likes* me! (giggle)
Andrew Largeman: Don't be cute.
Sam: He's my knight in shining armoor~ (giggles some moar)

If that wasn't cute, i don't know wth is. and it's funny, because the things that you see in this moive, the things that they do, the things that they get themselves into, it can actually happen. well, at least i think they can. alsdjaskdjas. and im so freaking jealous of andrew largeman, cause he can actually have this amazing girl - a girl named samantha, which i think is a pretty cute nameaskldjsdkajs, next to alice and ellie, of course - that he can actually postpone fxing his life, just to be with this one person he has met for a span of four days and it's freaking amazing, im actually having trouble finding the right adjectives to describe it, cause how can you describe something so amazing and touching? damn it. damn it damn damn it.

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so everything is pretty much okay. went to a lot of places this week. theater play and star city on sunday, moa on monday, and pretty much bummed around the university the rest of the week. stayed late at the university a couple of times, sitting in the grass and just singing around the guitar shan brought to school. peaceful times. didn't know a couple of songs, so i made a mental playlist to search for when i have the time.

had this... this badingle which is pretty much like our version of a kris kringle. all items had to be worth 50 pesos and below, and we had to buy it when we were together at the world trade bazaar, a few weeks ago. received a bonnet which is looking pretty awesum on yours truly. gave a wooden scratcher and a slinky - gotta love my bargaining powers, fudgeyeah - to nicholesbo. tambayed until nighttime, singing old school songs and whatnot. found this weird hole in the grass, so pictures were taken and shiz.

Played L4D yesterday, and we freaking won. hahaha. i feel so epic, i wish i could make a cake out of it. and and, Nichola and Pola played for the first time yesterday. They did good, for starters. Yep, srsly. Though it may look like im saying this to everyone, they really did play okay.

it's officially the start of the christmas vacation, and im loving every inch of it. :)

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i wonder, if my life was a sitcom, what the hell would i title it?

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i've started playing sims 3 again~! Pekla comments on it as "cute", and i think she's cool for that. Yuss. My only problem now with my sim is that his love interest calls him every freaking damn second, and i find it cute and irritating at the same time. hahahaha.

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The above lines from Garden State floored me, so it wouldn't be a surprise if i say i was freaking shocked she knew Garden State. Haha. Not a lot of people do, and if you do, you're a good guy. It's like this: there are only two kinds of people in the world. The good guys that know Garden State and the bad guys, that don't. Pwhahahaa.

lol, i exaggerate too much.

anyway, so the above lines got me thinking about sappy stuff too. and don't get me wrong, i hate sappy stuff. no, i really really doo.aldjaslkdjsk. i can't stand reading romance novels. i don't like valentines. i hate teddy bears. okay kid. i like bears. BUT STILLLLL. demmet demmet.

and about the sappy things i thought of, i'd best keep them to myself, lest i drag myself to an asylum.

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where do the lines we think of come from? y'know, the inner conversations we have in our heads. where do we get them? is it random? is it a work of the mind? the heart? and after everything has been said and done, where do all of the thoughts go? when i was a kid, i remember imagining that there was a Thought Island where used thoughts go and converge and relax and then go to new people before returing back to Thought Island. but then, i had to grow up, and i guess now, i'd like to believe that there is, that there is a Thought Island just above there in the clouds.

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Beside a fire, relaxing.

Andrew Largeman: Let's just talk about good stuff.
Sam: Good stuff?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah. Glass half full shit. What do you got?
Sam: I got a little buzz. I got that.
[laughs]

Sam: What you got?
Andrew Largeman: I got a little buzz going
[pauses]
Andrew Largeman: and I like you.
[Sam, embarassed, giggles]
Andrew Largeman: So there's that. I guess I have that.

Sam: I can tap-dance. You wanna see me tap-dance?
Andrew Largeman: I would love to see you tap-dance.

Damn it. Why so cute, Garden State?

All For a Saturday

2009-12-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

Mood: confused.
Now Playing: the fray's look after you (cover by aesandrummer)

Had football class yesterday, 9-11. The sun was merciless and beat upon us all senseless with the heat. But whenever the ball soared between open hands (or okay, legs) and you had to go running after it, everything was pushed to the back of the mind as you ordered your dirt-coverd legs the most basic command of all: Run. All that mattered was that you catch up to the ball and and you kick it towards your partner. All that was present was you and the wind only.

I like the wind. Espescially when, at night, a sudden breeze blows through your whole being and you feel engulfed in it's body. Or aun nga, whenever you're running, and you could feel your hair being blown back, and realize that you're becoming one with the wind. It's a pretty funny feeling. You wish that somehow, you could be a part of that wind and just escape to the heavens. But you know you can't do that, nope, you can't. A secret part of you, the one that's most in tune with reality, will oppose the wind inside you and ground you with it's chains.

Why am i mentioning this, i have no idea.

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So last saturday, after going to Ieya's, manila zu and the world trade bazaar, (yes, all of happened in a saturday. sorry ndi na ako umabot sa star city) i dropped by moa to pick up some things. of course, i dropped by powerbooks too, and was immediately assaulted by my ultimate freaking longing - the solitaire mystery by jostein gaarder. pricing at around 350, this book is at the pinnacle of my xmas shopping list, as i think i owe it to myself to read gaarder again.

you may be wondering now, what the hell is up with ding and his gaarder fascination? simple, it was his book, The Orange Girl, that changed my view on things. i won't say how or why it changed my views, but one thing is for sure; this book marks a lot of things, and one if it is my first step into the appreciation of life and possibly, of redemption itself.

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among other things, i saw a copy of vince teves' Vince's Life, and the sequel, Getting Over Andrea. I was immediately reminded of this line i really liked from the sequel, which kind of echoes how i feel about the subject in question, too.

(after Cat asks what Vince's definition of love is)
"Fireworks," I finally said. Cat looked at me from where she was lying by turning her head sideways and upwards.

"It was like fireworks. You know how fireworks are always a surprise? It was like that. Everything was magical and just when i thought it couldn't get better, it always did get better until i thought i would explode with joy. And then it was over." - pg 80-81.

taken from this blogpost

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i'll be walking forward, even if the road im taking is full of thorns. even if i had a choice, i'll still choose this one, because just like coldplay's yellow goes, "for you i'll bleed myself dry." why? cause you're the only one i'll ever wait for, you stupid fucking bitch.

damnit. sentimentality is killing me.

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on another and happier note, das saw this oldschool cam and is attempting to revive it. it's a Nikon FA, and aslkdjsalkdjaslkd, i cannot wait to try it out once it gets fixed. Picture below shows me in my room holding said camera. do not mind the slave playing the guitar

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so far i've been using the digicam Lucy, and well. aun. she's getting pretty old, so i need to scrape up enough money to either fix her up or buy a new one. im thinking one that's pretty compact and shiznit, so it'll be super easier to carry out of the house.

yuss~ another strain on the already strained wallet. agggh.

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oh and by the way? i saw this really neat cover of stephen speak's passenger seat on youtube a while ago, and i was like screaming expletives at the talent she has. w-wao. haha xDD

aaand, speaking of guitars, a lot of people seem to be playing theirs lately, and it makes me want to play again. (not that i ever really was something at guitars, aghk. >.<)

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... too early, huh?

OHAI!

2009-11-24T12:09:00.000-08:00

Mood: meh. Now Playing:i remember you, the ataris

watched new moon yesterday. it was.. pretty bad. *runsforcover* no, srsly. probably the only redeeming thing about it is the cool soundtrack they kept on playing. and oh, some of the shots were amazing, as were the fight scenes between wolves and vampires.

but the thing is, you don't go to a movie, order a ticket for a chick flick and watch it for the camera shots, the fight scenes or the soundtrack. w-well, at least i don't. personally, i'd rather focus on the lines and the way the actors feel with each other. sad to say, but the lines delivered were pretty cliche. "you are my everything". "i can't live without you". "please stay. im begging you"

any self-respecting teenage kid could've sued the movie for plagiarizing his life. okay, i kid. haha. i don't know if it worked with other people, (if it did, then you are of higher caliber than i, dear reader ) but as for me.. well.

best part: spoiler! the one wherein jacob leans over the windows of alice's car and delivers these lines to a weirdo bella:

Jacob Black: Please stay here. For Charlie. For me.
Bella Swan: I have to go.
Jacob Black: I'm begging you. Please.
Bella Swan: Goodbye, Jacob.

this was pretty fucking awesome, and had the potential to hit home in all of the right places. cooly.

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I've talked with Rb about some things. and.. i guess i've found a way. or more likely, i've found a concept i can actually hold on to. now the only thing left is to stick with it and try to at least be sane enough to live it through the end. there are no "buts". there are no "ors" there's only me, and a whole lot of other shit that i guess could either make or break a man. and it's frightening, sure. but i believe the rewards are well worth it (which i of course wont go into details here) im remindd of Dr. Kelsos's line in one episode of scrubs. in a sort of sudden burst of insight, he tells an obese patient and Dr Turk, both with fear and insecurity problems, that anything that's not difficult isn't worth fighting for. i dunno. it just gets to me like bam! and boom! y'know.

... or something like that.

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on the other side of things, everything is pretty peaceful. i don't know wth happened this night, but i feel sort of ready. and it's a good thing, isn't it? i hope you're feeling good too. *smiles*

i feel like mary freaking poppins. by the way, this picture below is pretty awesome. kekekeke~

Hantungan

2009-11-19T05:46:00.000-08:00

Mood: nagaantay
Now Playing: akap, imago

nitong nakaraang lingoo, ay madaming taong nagtatanong sa akin kung ayos lang ba ako o ano. hindi ko alam kung bakit - ang huling pagkakaalam ko ay kayang kaya kong tumawa sa harap ng kahit sino, at kaya kong ikimkim ang mga dapat na kinikimkim. kaya hindi ko lubos maunawaan kung paano ako kayang basahin ng mga tao ng ganun-ganun lang. kahinaan? hindi siguro.

matagal ko ng sinasabi sa maraming tao na hindi na ako lilingon sa nakaraan. kung lilingon man, iyon ay para pumulot ng aral at kung anu-ano pa. hindi para umalala ng mga bagay na wala naman talagang sagot dahil una sa lahat, wala naman talagang dapat itanong pa - naikwento na ang mga daat ikwento at lumabas na ang mga dapat lumabas. kung meron pa mang natitira, iyon na siguro ang takot at pangamba na maglakad ulit sa direksyon na tinalikuran. tinatalikuran.

kanya-kanyang pag aangkop na sa sitwasyon yun. kanya kanyang pagkukubli o pagtago o minsan, pagtakas. ako? sawang-sawa na ako maglaro ng tagu-taguan o takbuhan. bahala na si Bathala.

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wala. na akong dapat maramdaman kung hindi wala. unang una, dahil tapos na ang lahat.

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pangalawa, dahil iba na ang buhay ko. namin. niya. sila. at masaya ako para sa lahat. siryoso.
minsan, sa isang sulok ng daan, namamatay ang ilaw, napupundi, nawawala. nilulunod tayo sa kadiliman ng ating anim na pangdama, at inaangat natin ang ating mga kamay para lang may makapitan. ngunit sa ngayon, sa gitna ng sumasayaw na ilaw sa aking sulok ng daan, alam kong walang dahilan para mangamba, dahil alam kong sa gitna ng lahat, ikaw ang aking kasama.

sana lang makita na kita kaagad.
at higit sa lahat, pangatlo: dahil baka ito na ang inaantay ko.

oo, tanga. sana naintindihan mo.

Feeling Springy

2009-11-16T10:33:00.000-08:00

Mood: springy. what the hell is springy.
Now Playing: butch walker, mixtape

One of the weirdest things ever is a great Monday. no srsly. it kind of freaks me out since mondays are usually.. y'know. pieces of shit wrapped with shit coating. but so far the week has been forgiving, and it makes me wonder what the hell i did to receive such a blessed turn of events. cause whatever it is, i'd like to go out of my way to do it again, just to experience this.. this.. springy feeling again. i probably won't go into details here - yeah yeah yeah - it's just too... too.. lakjdklajd that i don't want to jinx it or anything. suffice it is to say that maybe all you need in life is a quick remedy, and that remedy can come from a lot of unexpected places.

what the hell am i talking about, i wonder sometimes.

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crashed on my bed as soon as i got home at around 9 in the evening. woke up five hours later with a splitting headache, so i sprinted downstairs and grabbed something to drink. it's a little bit funny, cause i only need five hours of sleep to function properly, but everyone knows how sleepy i get whenever.

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best quote i've read this morning: I'm a Christian. It's not a religion, its a lifestyle.

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found this cute vid on the net.

im betting this will land on my morning playlist. it's so damn sunshiny and so sunday morning, it makes me want to vomit sunshine at everybody.though then again, lyrics-wise, they sound a little... hngh. lasjdlaskj.

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it's 4 in the morning and i need to get ready for laskjdaks school soon.
we speak as if everybody is listening.

right?

Let us be entertained

2009-11-10T04:40:00.000-08:00

Mood: shitty. but then again, what's fucking new?
Now Playing: don't say goodbye, say goodnight

... with the almost tangible scent of anxiety.

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So tomorrow's the start of the second semester, and i'm nervous as hell. i have no freaking idea why; i've gone through about a hundred first days, but it always gets to me, y'know. like some freaking santa claus, nervousness is sure to drop down the chimney that is my head and deliver a hot steaming dump on my brain. no shit.

the thing about starting a new is that you can't really control.. well, everything. anything can go wrong - it could rain at the most inopportune time, your fly could get stuck on something awful, or you could accidentally trod on your professors' bad side. a lot of things can go wrong. such is life; unfair and bitchy.

and when shit happenes, you could only clasp your hands together and pray for a goddamn miracle.
or if that's too out of the ordinary for you, you could try going for the low tech version of a miracle and ask for that instead - a pack of glorious friends to help you through the day.

ps. sorry for the sentimental overtones. i've just gone from an afternoon stroll and a marathon of scrubs, so here i am, trying to nail down my JD type monologue.

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one of the few things you could count on if you have an eye disease is that you could totally count on people to play up the sympathetic card when conversing with your truly. maybe that's how i escaped a ton of bullying or what not during my previous, gullible and innocent years; i was just too out there to be poked at.

don't get me wrong, it sucks and all that to have this motheraaslkdjas eye, espescially when people do this thing when they whirl around and see if they're actually the one im fucking talking to. i mean, what the hell man? can anyone be so tactless as to actually do taht shit? but of course, i don't let it get through to me. why? cause im manly like that.

so anyway, the sympathy card. it's when people play up nice and warm and cuddly with you, or treat you nice and sweet cause you're like this fragile piece of glass that could break of at any moment. sorry to burst your bubbles, folks, but it turns out that im actually aware of how your stinking mind really works. please, i could just eat off your face with all taht sugar-coated syrupy - not to mention the most important part - fake sympathies. call me paranoid, but you can't actually fault me for saying this. im as perfectly capable of fending for myself, thank you very much, and frankly, it just sucks to know that im being pitied upon.

maybe i'm just getting paranoid, a little world-weary, a little jaded and frayed around the edges. but as long as idiots like that lkasjdlkajd live, i sure as hell won't let my guard down. better be a weird paranoid piece of scum than be a doormat.

it just sucks to be the downside of everything, y'know?

-transferred post from a brother blog, sometime ago.
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last night, as we exited from another tambay episode at nichola's, the southbound people found a pretty fucking shit with shit filling waiting on the banks of the post office. now any self-respecting southbound guy would instantly recognize what the post office is for - it is where the line for an FX to carry us home is.

and lo and behold! the line stretched out to infinity and even more. i checked my fucking watch: a little before 7 pm. LRT was clogged as shit, and the malls nearby were a fucking black hole: it kept sucking in every single person in the vicinity. people kept flocking to the malls, no doubt with the plan to waste a few hours in an unholy building of mankind until the trafiic became manageable again. thus, the mall swelled to an almost comical size, it was funny as shit.

"what the fucking hell is fucking happening?!" raged my inner angel. the line was so fucking long, longcat could've gone and made a mrs. longcat out of it. sensning futility, i dragged my ass to the mall and went people-watching.

i made it home at around the same time the crows started jamming. okay, i kid. around 10-ish or something. what the hell happened in between i don't know and i don't fucking remember.

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there's still hope. a fool's hope, but i cling to it, like a wolf to his sheep.

Innocence?

2009-11-07T04:35:00.000-08:00

Mood: hohum
Now Playing: kimi no shiranai monogatari

So i've downloaded this 1994 movie, Leon: The Professional, and i was screaming expletives from the moment i saw Natalie Portman stepping into the shoes of Mathilda - sort of a child waif brimming with a thirst for revenge.

In a nutshell, the story goes off like this: Professional assassin Leon reluctantly takes care of 12-year-old Mathilda, a neighbor whose parents are killed, and teaches her his trade. If that wasn't compelling enough for you to scrounge the internet or your favorite quiapo establishment or your favorite - haha, what the hell - video store, well, this conversation floored me:

Mathilda: Leon, I think I'm kinda falling in love with you.
[Leon chokes on his milk]
Mathilda: It's the first time for me, you know?
Léon: [wiping himself off] How do you know it's love if you've never been in love before?
Mathilda: 'Cause I feel it.
Léon: Where?
Mathilda: [stroking her stomach] In my stomach. It's all warm. I always had a knot there and now... it's gone.
Léon: Mathilda, I'm glad you don't have a stomach ache any more. I don't think it means anything.

ohgahd. and Leon's fucking line as he lowers Mathilda down the shaft got to me, too.

Léon: You're not going to lose me. You've given me a taste for life. I wanna be happy. Sleep in a bed, have roots. And you'll never be alone again, Mathilda. Please, go now, baby, go. Calm down, go now, go.

Pretty fucking amazing, if you ask me. Probably what makes it that way is how much a kid could have such an effect on a full grown assasin, who drinks MILK and watches movies in his free time. It's astonishing, really, when you see how Leon grows in the movie, little by little.

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I'm reminded of a time when i was young, and my parents would go out to the Alabang Town Center. Since we live in Paranaque, it was a good and long trip on the van dad made with his own fucking hands. And yes, you read that right.

So anyway, ATC. For a twelve year old kid, being in a mall other than SM (and with a glorious fountain to boot, waao) blew my mind away. I remember stumbling into a powerbooks and grabbing a copy of.. damnit, i forgot the title. It was either a dan brown or a gardner, don't know which is which, so.. asjdakdjals. The lady at the counter bagged the book for me, and it was all so delicious and warm and smelled like coffee on an amazing morning. The brown paper bag was deliciosly very crisp and very fresh and very very smooth - you could feel it over and over and it would still the same way each and every time you did so. And i remember imagining, as i stepped outside, that i was in one of the cafes overlooking the fountain at the center, with the book and it's deliciously brown bag lying on the table. I remember sipping from a mug as i looked down the other passers-by, as the sound of shoppers and the morning scenery assaulted my senses.

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There was also this one time, when i was still in elementary (and therefore could still stomach my now irrational fear of going out of the house), and was inspired, by some cosmic turn of events, to take a walk down the neighborhood one afternoon. * obligatory WHY SO CONYOOO~?! line here*

Nothing out of the ordinary happened, though the winds were spectacularly strong that day, and the leaves were doing this kind of slow dance with it. The neighborhood was as peaceful as ever, as kids my age seemed like they had outgrown going out and i was left with the ones that were years younger, the ones that still wore their school sando and shorts in their haste to go out and play.

I went home just as the day's dinner, chicken adobo, was being scooped into bowls. Rice was lumped in together with the leftover chicken oil, spices and whatnot in the pan to make adobong fried rice. A feast.
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Oh yeah, i've watched All About Steve yesterday in *snickers* tagaytay, and it was great. The movie itself reeked of chick flick-ness, but the lines they delivered were pretty cool and had sense and meaning and logic and had potential sentimentality. Cute movie, if i must say. The fact that she *spoilerspoiler* made a crossword puzzle all about steve (questions included were 1) what's steve's eye color; 2) what does steve's lips taste like) on the local newspaper was equally hilarious and uh.. t-touching? aghhk. xD

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Yellowcard's on the playlist, and now i want to check out some of my old stuff.

Rocket Science

2009-11-02T10:38:00.000-08:00

Mood: okay.
Now Playing: evermore, light surrounding you

What i've been doing lately:

1. cleaning teh ~~hive~~ room - and the memories in it.
so aun. this has gotta be one of my simple pleasures in life. in all honesty, cleaning the whole damn thing - bed, drawers, csbinet and mirror area - could've taken a mere five hours to properly organize brush away the dust. five simple damn hours. but it took me a day and a half to finish all of it - i just kept doubling back and checking how the heck did i got this motherkdjaskj score, or how the hell did i ended up with someone and something amazing back then. it's strange, really. the thing is, packrat or not, you almost always end up treasuring the things that don't really matter - like a scrapbook or a notebook for instance. you can't choose what to treasure, what to appreciate, what to stick in that memory bank of yours, nope.

you just do.

2. sleeping late.
or the polar opposite, sleeping all day. this happened more than once this sembreak, so i guess my circadian rhythm is pretty messed up right now. as such, i eat my breakfast at 3 in the afternoon and my dinner at somewhere between 9 or 12. ohno, where the heck did lunch go? lsjdakl.

3. traditionz.
y'see, every year, we gather up the usual crowd in the highschool tropa and meet up in a 7-11 to walk the rest of the way to the manila memorial cemetery, where we pay our respects for the deceased and the steadfastness of the living. then at around midnight, we crash at a friend's place and spend the rest of the night/day doing nothing but catch up and watch them movies and drink. and i guess it's strange, in an ohgahd-what-the-hell-am-i-doing kind of way, but it works, you know.

lol. we've been doing this for so long that i don't remember what the tradition exactly IS. is it the annual sleepover, or the long walk to and around the cemetery or is it the marathon of movies that fuck your shit up?

4. writing
yes, writing. call me a fucking noteworm or something, but first let me clarify that what i've been doing is pure shit. no kidding. it still reeks of my highschool emo days, the days wherein i could spend a whole freaking day staring at the ceiling with only music to consume and letters to burn. i mean, how low have i gone to only churn out recycled material from - gahd, i'll get stoned to death for this - love stories. what the fuck is fucking wrong with me, aargg.

don't get the wrong idea here; i love writing love stories as much as i like reading them. but i think that the market is too saturated of love stories nowadays that they treat it as something trivial, something that you could grasp and understand just by reading the lines of a book. well, yeah, i admit that as a writer, it IS one of the fundamental reasons one can have for writing a book: to give information and shit.

but to go as far as actually use as mere binded words on paper for something so immense and inexplicable such as love... i dunno about that.

5. the pressure of passing
yessur. i passed all of my subjects this sem. but the thing is, i'm not feeling any sense of accomplishment. give me a break. it just means that im able to face the incoming semester with more subjects and shit, and along with this thought comes the fact that i must pull my grades higher so that i could score a pretty decent job in this hellhole we call life. and if i go deeper down this thought, i'll think of what the hell would i be doing in five years time and the fucking, undoubtedly hard decisions i have to face during those years.

sigh.

6. on the pink side of things
talktothewalls still remains as one of my favorite youtube artists, as she churns out good originals now and then. save for this freakishly redundant line "Lately i've been thinking / Of this feeling / That i've been feeling" her newest original, this could be an experiment, or more... is pretty fucking amazing. vid here.

incidentally, my favorite line comes next out of the freakishly redundant line i wrote earlier. "Its hard to understand what i'm feeling / Is this true or am i overreacting baby?" and of course, the ending lines leave no room for disappointment with "We could make this work / We may not be rocket scientists / But we could experiment" fuck yea. it's as if she's reading a book entitled "ding's life" and writing songs about it.

yeah, right.

7.my family is fo sucking stupid
that they actually painted my fucking cabinet. if you know me personally, you may have realized that i am an overly jolly person, so much so that i have deathwishes, emotional sentiments and messsags from friends written on my cabinet. and it's been GREAT. i loved that cabinet that if it suddenly turned into cute girl overnight, i would be very happy.

so imagine how pissed off i was to come home one evening, very late, very hungry and very tired, and see how fucked up my cabinet was - they had painted all over my eathwishes, emotional sentiments and messsags from friends. holy shit squared.

so i stormed into the culprit's room, my aunt, and blasted her with "tita, wag nyu na lang pinturahan ung cabinet ko, thanks"

fuck. i should have mauled her head open.

8. paranormal activity is the shit
the theater ending, that is. and that's only if you can stand about 30 minutes of non-action and what not.

Some Shit That Just Needed Shitting

2009-09-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

Mood: fukken tired.
Now Playing: good time, electrico

stayed up late again. it's 1 in the morning(or at least it was when i first sat down and keyed in whatever), and i just can't get a lot of things out of my head. I know, i know, i fucking know, all right? I had the whole fukcing weekend to think about things, and i STILL can't set out even a damn string straight. I HAVE figured out one thing, though. Well, two actually. One, i am so fucking worthless, i cannot even save a single fucking... friend. Whatever. Two, i am so fucking up everything right now, and if i want to save even just a single person, i have to save my fucking self first. ~~Three... well. That's for another post.~~

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Truthfully, i've been mulling this blogpost for months now; its been sitting peacefully in my backburner with some titles like "Love, Pain and other Forms of Cheese" or "The Perfect Cure for Insomnia",

Since i cannot stand the mention of it(you should have seen my face as i keyed in Love on the title Love, Pain and other Forms of Cheese), i will simply refer to the L word as The L Word, since i believe it merits all caps, than lesbians, losers, lasers and the like.

Anyway. The L Word. My view on The L Word is simple; it echoes Dr. Cox's line from Scrubs. In this orgasmically good episode, he rants about what relationships are like in front of this psych undergrad who was filming the cast's thoughts for some project or something. Then suddenly, when i couldn't bring myself to stop laughing, Cox comes in with these lines;

Relationships dont work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, wont they, and then they finally do and theyre happy forever gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they werent right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway.

And Im telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I havent. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I dont care, cause I dobelieve in it. Bottom lineis the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they dont let it take em down

And i guess i do too. I do believe. The only difference is, people like me don't hve any idea where the hell their other halves are. They give an effort, yes, to find em - hell, it's probably the only thing they're good at. But in the end, many of the poor shmucks like me run around in circles, cause that's another thing we're good at. Running in fucking goddamn circles.

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Im keeping my hopes up that i was just terribly and horribly mistaken. I mean, i know what i saw. I know what i read. I just hope that i know when to stop. This sucks.

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Y'know, i sometimes think that the whole writing population are just miserable sons of bitches who are just fed up bitching about their own lives that they want to channel it into something concrete - like paper and pen, for instance. Why? It helps relieve the painaslkdsld, yknow. This act of transferring something so valuable to something so remarkably mundane is (perhaps to many a writer) a sacred act, one which transcends borders and race. Plus this sacred act of transferring emotions? It pisses other people off when you write horribly, so yeah, i guess that's an added bonus.

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So it's morning, about 6 i think; the clouds are still there, and i love it. Just this 3 or 4, i think, there was this huge downpour i had to run upstairs and grab my jacket, lest i freeze to death. Cooly.

I am so fuckin hoping for a suspended class tomorrow.

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You know what hurts the most? Fukken everything. It's when you realize that you would still take a goddamn bullet for a friend you know you don't even fucking recognize.

Getting Drunk on Energy Drinks and also Being Busy and Other Excuses

2009-09-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

Mood: nuninuninu.
Now Playing: wishful thinking, FTC.

(*this is a combined post - of last saturday and of present-day tuesday- hence, the title*)

Lots of good things and not so good things happened this week. Had this debate thingy for oral comm class, and everyone knows i hate debates - well, more i like i CAN'T debate; i always stumble/mumble/fumble with my words. But aun. Since i got roped into being the deputy leader of the opposition, (yeah, i know it sounds cool but trust me. it effing sucks) i had to stand my ground against possibly the three most ball-busting debaters on the planet. One has this track record of going against school policy vs another school policy, then this girl with a 12903812890371237129 brain efficiency, and the clincher - a real live debater.

If there were any ranks lower than underdogs, like under under under under under under under the underdogs, go ten levels below that and that's where we smack right dab are. Hi, we're the opposition, how you doing.

Anyway,your typical Ding story happened - i stand up, i stutter, i get shot down, i dig a hole and cry, and then i effing shrug it off. Why? Cause im manly like that.

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So i finally passed a variation of this blog post for an article. Okay, fine fine. Maybe i did it cause im lazy. But i just want to make a difference. And i believe that this difference can be achieved by reading that variation.

...

Did you buy it? Nah, i didn't much, too. Kidding! The article version is IMHO, slightly better in terms of content. In terms of personality and emotional attachment however, the blog version wins, hands down.

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I want to drink drink drink. But the problem is, i needs monies to properly drink - i need a pizza, a horror dvd and cans and cans of the good old SMB. Don't ask why; i just want to, okay.

And omfg. Speaking of grades, i passed all of the subjects - save for chemlab, which im putting my computations off till next week - YUSS. Still can't believe my effing educ psych score. Now i feel guilty for making fun of educpsych. Yes, i promise. I do feel guilty, at times.

BMA.. hmp. BMA. BMA was okay, i guess. Miscalculated an equation and ended up way off the mark, so i don't know how i even managed a pass. What the fuck. Theories of Personality is still in the green light nao. ENGCOM, well that's that.

FUCKNUTS, PE. HAHA. Tip to incoming ust freshmen: never take softball. You'll only eat mud, i swear. Take folk dance or social dance or any other dance. PFFT, i lold.

Anyway, the sad thing is, the way things are right now, i'm probably averaging at around 3s-2.25, at best. And i cannot get a pc upgrade that way, no sir. I need to be at least hovering at around 1.50s to ~~order~~ request my very lovable parents a DS/PSP/PS3slim, and a 1.00-1.50 to ~~order~~ ~~demand~~ for a pc upgrade. NOOOES.

AND SHITKJDAKLS. Speaking of, I has fixed my laptop. Yuss. Recovering everything so far is 75% finished. The only thing i need to do is to recover my goddamn music files.

BYTHEWAY. If you have any files/programs/pics/vids that you think i could use and at least in the slightest way relevant to my intarests, please feel free to toss your files into Ding's collection box. Thanks. sdkjasl. long story short -> you has file, you send me file.

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My aunt has a stomachache right now, and she's blaming all her energy drinks. So kabooyas. She gave me all of them. So now, i have this mini pile of energy drinks, and i think i'm drinking my weight in (reads label) ginseng and caffeine. :))

Im starting to feel tipsy, even.
Hmm. this stuff - some energy drink in a can called vit500 - is the shit, man.

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(*present time*) so i lol'd. I've been wearing this stupid blue shirt since sunday evening; im already 3 hours in this godawful tuesday morning, and im hungry as hell. i missed three fucking meals already saldjaklsjd.

aslkjdalskjdas. brb, taking a shower.

ahem.

so why the hell am i so lax in my hygiene skillz today? let me first explain that im a water person - i love taking showers, baths, and everything else related to water.Water is fun. Water is cool. If water was a person i would've married and had three beautiful kids with her already.

So why the hell am i so lax in my hygiene skills today? Oh, nothing much, really. Jus that i had to finish (and by finish i also mean writing editing, rewriting and shiz) a ton of letters, documents, presentations, schedules and even preparations for yet another dinner (which i probably would be too sleepy/tired to attend to anyway, but asjdaslkj a promise is a promise, and i made one with a devil of a woman) that i didn't have time to take a proper bath.

ps.
that shower i mentioned a few lines before? kekekekekewl as always. my fingers are all wrinkly and shit nao. iloveit.

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why the hell am i so busy, i wonder.

Losing My Mojo

2009-09-06T02:13:00.000-07:00

Mood: nooooo
Now Playing: boats and birds, gregory and the hawk also 1234, feist.

Went to school yesterday for this CSJ thing and got to meet a couple of the new people from the literary section and omfgaah i swear they're giving me an inferiority complex. It's been months since i wrote any short stories and asldkjaskldj, they're just writing badabing badaboom incredible pieces of fiction just like that.

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I think im losing my mojo. Y'know, that one big "______________" that everybody seems to have when they're doing the things they love doing. I dunno. I opened a notepad a few minutes ago and keyed in the 1st words that came to mind

lolwtfbbqpron what the heck am i doing

and then another go

i should just eat noodles

and then another another go

you wrote black rings under my eyes

and then another another another go

asldjasldjalsdjlasjd.

...

see? completely senseless and completely... completely.. mojo-less. ARGH. What the hell did i do? I'm probably my worst critic - i don't believe in whatever i do (not that i believe in anything much anyway, but that's another story) I have faulted the above 4 lines 4 times already, and it's still piling up.

In any case, i want to bring the old me back; the one that gave so much shit about life and music and art and the great things that reside within - peace and love. As i am now, i don't think i'll last for a few more months. Good thing sembreak is right down at the bend, then maybe i could kiss half of the drama goodbye for a few months. (I plan to escape and go to alaska this sembreak, y'see lol) But i guess i'd still be carrying around the other half of the drama - myself.

Garfield once said that you have to suffer in order to write.

Fucked, i am. :))

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People have been pulling me aside and going, "o, csj/infopsych ka pala. ang galing mo naman magsulat!" and it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with their minds - i haven't done anything to be proud of. Im betting 12903812938 of all the writers in the college didn't apply because a) they haven't heard of csj/infopsych yet b) they got lost and lazy along the way 3) they're lazy as shit 4) have no motivation or something. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno shit.

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Oh, prelim grades are back, fug no. So far, so good. I wouldn't have believed my educ psych grade if it hadn't been written by the ~~devi~~ professor herself. Hrrrm. So this finals, i have to exert 139812390128908129038% more effort if i want an all-line-of-1s.

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YUSS. Resolutions are in order.
I resolve to

1. Be more open-minded
2. Be more peace-loving
3. Be more loving and love people to death.
4. Be more studious
5. Be more introspective
6. Shut up and die.

Who am i kidding.

I Think I Missed Out on Something Wonderful

2009-08-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

Mood: trying to prod awake my literary muse
Now Playing: none

I went to school this morning for a meeting with infopsych members. Got a little excited at the theme we're using for the literary page - paranoia. Ohyeahbaby. Lalang. Parang ang cool kasi. Ne~?

So anyway, it's a good thing a lot of freshmen were ~~tricked~~ inspired to join the infopsych. They look like cute little sheep and I dunno bout you guys, but i always a get a good feeling whenever i see gullible little sheep trotting happily to a cliff called stress. Call it initiation. Call it srtess. You're not a college student if you don't pull consecutive all-nighters for non-academics. I promise.

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For the past hour, i've been thumbing through all of my blogposts and was like going "shittt, ang manly ng post na to!" or "so iba na pala sila today" or "my life sucked even back then" or a nice simple chorus of FUCKKK.

It's funny to think how personal this blog has become. I mean, look at it. 193 posts of angst, whining, and the occasional flashes of light. I dunno. It just amazes me to think that something so intangible has practically become an extended part of my being.

I remember this post that talked about how strangely peaceful the minutes before zoolab were before somebody popped the question "nag ka BF GF ka na ba? yes or no lang dapat sagot! and then comes in Bren, saying "single by choice". Lalang. That line struck me at first as lolwtfpronbbqweird, but i guess in the end, being single or being attached is first of all, is indeed a goddamn choice. Then comes a great big surrender to the other; a surrender that will depend if she will catch you when you fall.

There were also some stuff i hope none of my parents will ever get to read. (ASIDE: I know this girl who started a very very personal blog. Six months in, as she was getting a glass of water one night, she discovered her MOM reading her BLOG. OMFG, i honestly do not what i would do if that shit happened to me) WHY? Well, just because. There are some things not worth risking parental love for. ~~like allowance, for instance~~

And then, of course, there are the posts with such drama i wished i could film my own sad damn life. But then of course, i would have to pick all of the actors, and omfgaah, i would be just wasting my time finding people even REMOTELY strange as their real-life counterparts.

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....

The above section was written yesterday, just a few hours ago. Writing non-stop, i closed my eyes for a bit and tsaraan. Here i am again, continuing this post.

Maybe it has something to do with the flow of thought, or the sudden realizations that creep in whenever we think of something that lead people to have - i dunno what's the politically-correct term - mood swings. I mean, look at me. Im practically a mess. I was fine a few hours ago. And now i feel like climbing up to my bed and just sleeping my life away.

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Thumbing through the posts again made me realize some shit today, though. One, i could have gotten everything i would have ever wanted. Two, i'm so blind i couldn't see somebody lying. Three, i should have met up with someone.

How stupid can i get.

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Time waits for no one.

Damn it.

My Thoughts in Probably About a Thousand Characters

2009-08-16T05:22:00.000-07:00

Mood: m-meh
Now Playing: none.

Shhhh, people. can you hear that? that, ladies and gentlemen, was the sound of a thousand or so stupid fricks like me that got their asses handed to them by fate. AGAIN. It's priceless you know; when you think you've finally gotten at least a tiny semblance of control in your life, fate comes in and takes it all away.

I believe in karmic justice. You know, the old shiz that basically says you're going to get screwed eventually for something you did and all that. That's probably why i often have next to nothing qualms about fate shitting on me. I mean, i believe in atonement. Jesus died for our sins so i want at least to pay a fraction of mine in return. The few (okay fine, increasing) moments that i do have qualms, i blog. Or i write on my walls. Or doors. Or i draw. ~~and realize i have no artistic talent, NOOOO~~

The point is, there are a thousand fricks like me that get their asses handed to them by fate on a daily fucking basis. And fuck, one must answer the question; what the hell did we do?

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If stress was a person then im married to her already. She does not want a divorce. She does not want compensation. She is a bitch. She is a bitch with fangs, nice hair, and - ohmyfuckinggawd - wears weird glasses as a finisher. GAWD. Eveyrbody knows im a sucker for people with weird glasses. No sorry, i don't know why.

And here's the clincher; no matter what the hell i do, i will always end up with her.

askldjasldj. brb, killing myself.

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CONFESSING TO 15 PERSONS.

I guess someday, i'll say all of the below items face to face to the respective people. But for now, spare me this webspace, k? k.

1. You suck,you know that?
2. You know, i had this dream once; you were at my bed, with your hair all tangled up and your drool all over. Carrying two mugs of coffee and a piece of toast in your mouth, you smile and saunter outside, the sunlight hitting your skin like candy. Then i wake up, and i see my ceiling. It's all white and dusty.
3. I really, really, really like you.
4. I'm so sorry. I really am.
5. If guts were spaghetti, i'd eat and vomit yours in a second. I hate you, that's why. Just in case you were wondering.
6. I have no idea what's on your mind. I'd love to know, though. Why? Because you're one of the greatest people i've ever met/
7. You're the glue that keeps us together. Hope you know that.
8. My God, it's like elementary all over again. Me likeys.
9. Thanks. I hope you finish your issues, soon. You deserve a life.
10. Just know that we'd be here for you, mehn. Whatever your battles are. You can cry your eyes out nao.
11. What the hell, i knew it, damnnit! dances-the-i-told-you-so-dance i just knew you were gay the the first time i saw yous! :))
12. You're a bastard. A fucking bastard with fucking bastard coating and bastard fucking filling.
13. I can't be like you.
14. You know, you just keep on getting interesting day by day. I don't know how the hell you do it, but you do. What the hell do you have for breakfast, anyway?
15. Hello, you.

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I was riding this jeepney this monday morning, enjoying the miracle that is a traffic-less road. Then this bitch climbs in and parks herself right beside me. When the jeep roared off, i got a taste of her hair; it was dancing like shit and all that. Plus, she was thumbing through it every 123789123812903890th of a second. What the fucking hell i thought. This bitch is whipping my jaws off. I then contemplated plans to strangle her with her own personal brand of rope; her hair. Where the fuck were you when God granteth thy common sense, woman?

Shutting my lips tight did not help; it went into my eyes and my nose and - ohmygod - my ears. When the time finally came to get off the jeepney, i tried saying "para" with my mouth clamped as tight as possible. Believe me, i tried. I goddamn STRUGGLED to get those words out. Unfortunately, the wind chose that time to blow like some crazed tornado and in a split second i could see her hair billowing out and and and and and and and and....

Mmm. Fruity. Apricots, i presume?

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I need to study. As in not kind of study im used to - i.e. no-studying-at-all-method = but rather the hardcore one, which is the kind of method serious people employ.

I have never been a serious person; i have no idea where to start.

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Dum Spiro, Spero.
While i breathe, i hope.

Probably the one latin phrase that stuck on me since forever.

God help me. Help us.

Venting

2009-07-30T06:23:00.000-07:00

Mood: fuckyourass
Now Playing: fuckyourface

i just came from what was possibly the worst day of my life - yes,even more so than the day i slipped and fell down stairs, sprained my goddamn ankle and practically threw into the can a logic quiz i should have passed with fucking flying colors - so it's not surprising if i say that ASHDJKLASHDASJKDHASJKDH I FEEL LIKE FUCK AND PORN AND SIN AND FUCK RIGHT NOW THAT I COULD LITERALLY PUNCH THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FUCKING FACE AND FUCKING EAT YOUR FUCKING REMAINS. AND THE BEST FUCKING THING ABOUT IS - WAIT THE FUCK THERE IS NO BEST THING, IS THERE? AND I WISH I COULD RESOLVE THIS BEAUTIFULLY BUT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DAMNIT? AND GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH ALL OF THIS MEANS TO ME BUT THE WAY YOU DO THINGS JUST MAKES IT ALL THE WORSE SO STOP BEING SO KIND AND LET ME MULL THIS OVER AND GET MY HEAD ON STRAIGHT CAUSE HEAVENS KNOWS I NEED THIS LQWEQWEDJHELPASDASKMELDPLEASEJAQWEWQSAVEKLWQEMEJDQWEQWBEFOREKQWELASQWEQWEWQQWEQWIJDKDOLASJDVIRGINIAKLASJDKLAJSKARGG

now don't take this personally, but i hate you for reading this. go away and leave this post alone, and forget that you ever read anything.

I Think You Should Read This

2009-07-19T05:16:00.000-07:00

Mood: none
Now Playing: owl city rainbow veins

It was during my return trip to Paranaque, the evening of July 16, 2009, that the streets were completely flooded. Public transport vehicles were stuck and were forced to make a u-turn. Sadly though, the u-turn was miles away from home. Faced with the idea of spending more time in the rain, my friend and I clambered out of the FX and made our steady way home. We finally reached a mall - also completely flooded, what the hell is up with the drainage - and sought refuge for a moment or so.

The next minute, this pink, government-owned bus comes rolling in and offered us measly sheep - i mean commuters - free rides. We made our way inside(and so did a thousand others) and i found myself seated at the very last seats at the back, smack at the aisle. The next second later, i found my face squashed with the backpack of man in front of me, as he kept backing down the aisle into my face. Blast you, backpack man! Break my glasses and there will be bloodshed, i promise.

So anyway, there were two ladies to my immediate left, followed by my friend. To my right, there were these salesmen, i guess, from the shoe department at SM. The guys were yelling at the people still stuck outside in the flood "babaay~ next trip na lang kayo!" in the same jeering voice we use to bullshit our politicians. I was at a loss for words. I mean, we're practically the same, aren't we? Just the same wet, tired, sticky humans. Why go so far as to make fun of other people?

Apparently, the two women to my left thought the same. I later learned that they were both strangers, and both had come from a busy day. "Ah, taga UST ka pala. It's nice to be young" said the one nearest me. "nag aral ako sa FEU dati, kaya alam ko kung paano lumusong sa baha, haha. Masarap ang buhay studyante, masarp. May baon ka. May uuwian. Mamimiss mo rin yan kapag nagtrabaho ka na. Mahirap mag trabaho, mahirap. Madaming babayaran. Pero kailangan, diba? Hindi naman pwedeng hindi ka magtrabaho." She finished, her gaze someplace else.

And maybe it was the light from the bus that casted deep shadows on her face, but at that moment, i saw a person jaded but still determined, to make it out alive. She wore no make-up, nor did she look particularly dazzling. There was even this tired expression painted upon her face. But there was no trace of malice or anger or whatnot there, even though i was sure she was just like the rest of us in that bus - tired, wet, and hungry. All that there was was her determination to the things she could do. I admire that. I mean, how could we believe in the world, when we do not even believe in our own neighbors?

In retrospect, i should have said more things. I should have told her that i was losing my faith in humanity, that i was losing what made me human. Maybe she would have told me a lot of things in return, things that i would use to cheer me out of this dump. Maybe she would have told me how to believe again, to trust in things that are outside one's power. I mean, here was a twenty something woman with a job that seemed to believe in things that i, as a student and a youth, had trouble even considering.

Feeling uncomfortable, i slightly shifted the conversation to more everyday things, like what her work was and such. But inevitably, my thoughts would wander again to what she said. Even as i exited the bus and looked back at them seated at the back, i wonder if the wave i gave them would speak the words i longed to say.

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For now, i'll believe in this conversation, and draw hope and trust from it. I mean, if people can bond together and initiate conversations with utter strangers in the midst of a crisis, then i must assume that people can also bond together, even if the presence of a crisis is zero.

I must.

There. I'm feeling brave already. Wondrous, the human mind really is.

PS.
There are also some things which are bothering me so damn much but as of the moment, i won't be elaborating here. Maybe ill write on the doors again. This sucks.

This Day

2009-07-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

Mood: inspired.
Now Playing: owl city, west coast friendship

It was one of those days when the first sound you hear is the sound of pouring rain. In my case, i woke up at the sala, my glasses askew and the litter of last night's attempt at pulling an all-nighter for studying at my feet.

Twas Ray's 18th today, and we were to meet up at a Yellowcab near the university. So, i mixed up two playlists and came up with two cds labeled 'In Atlantis' and 'In the City'. Yeah, i know, my naming skillz suck. But it looked cool nonetheless.~~from a far far far away glance.~~ Pwhaha.

So anyway, as i left the subdivision at 10 in the morning, there was this big shit of a traffic jam outside. I told myself, what the heck lagi namang traffic eh. oks lang yan.

Akala ko naman, saglit nga lang. So naive.

Yep. All of these happened in the morning. My pants were already wet at the hem and the bastard next to me kept spraying me with spit. ~~at least, i thought it was spit~~ asljdlasjda. So a little bit after the public high, the water was too deep to continue on normal vehicles only. Jeeps and FXs and taxis that stubbornly pushed on only got stuck at the middle of the road.

after a few minutes of aimlessly wandering around the murk waters, this big truck comes rolling in like Lito Lapid.

Hello, Construction Truck. Nevermind as to why nilagyan nila ng seats, i dunno. So anyway, i rode this thing like a boat to get across The Flood. It's unnerving, as everybody was so squished against each other, i can consider myself a rape victim. I mean, there was this stupid bitch that kept pushing her tits on me like shit, even if we were not moving AT ALL. What the hell is up with that?

After passing us safe and dry through the flood (which lasted roughly for about 30 minutes), we were dropped off at someplace dry, where there were already public transpo vehicles. I grabbed an FX and sped off to Manila, where it was effing DRY.

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Ray's debut was amazing. She bought this two huge pizzas and a pasta box for everyone. In retrospect, each pasta box was good for two persons, so we were super super super stuffed. We stayed there for a good part of the afternoon, talking the afternoon away. We gave her a huge bouquet of roses and a bottle of enervon. Yes, i know. And yeah, the two mix cds i gave her. Sooooo, Ray if you're reading this, please know that you're amazing, and we know that you're gonna stay that way forever. Salamat sa lahat. xP Pwahaha. So aun. Happy happy birthday! :D

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Afterwards, Nico, Shan and I decided to go for a round of L4D before going home. A round which lasted for... one and a half hours. :)) pwahahaha. Nico had to leave at around 5, but we decided to continue for a half an hour more. Si shan kasi eh. Napaka bad influence. xP Pwahahha xP

Anyway, when we exited the comp shop, the pavement was gone. It was replaced by murky waters. WHAT THE FUCK, we chorused. WHAT THE FUCK TALAGA.

Oh and Shan opened a bottle of water without paying for it. Tsktsktsk. So... eviiil. =))

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Going home was scary; i almost didn't flag an FX. I met up with Ona at around the post office, he was stuck there for about.. demnit, i forgot. Was it an hour? I dunno.

All of the FXs only went to about Multi, and that's miles away from home. Faced with an act of desperation we decided to walk all the way to SM Sucat, a good miles away from where we were, cause that's where my construction truck trip earlier this morning stopped. So we spent a good deal and a good job getting wetter by the minute. Umbrellas were useless; the wind kept blowing a good deal of rain on our faces. ARG. Haha.

When we finally got to SM to hitch a ride on the construction truck, it became clear that a thousand others thought the same thing. We looked just about the same, too, as we were drenched to the bone.

Then suddenly, this huge bus came rolling along with huge letters on it's side ANG BUS NI BERNABE. I dunno what that was, but i guess it's a program that offers free transportation. COOLY.

And so with that, i managed to get home, after a grueling 3 hour travel trip. aslkdjalsjd. Haha.

I realized a lot of things this day, and im gonna post it later. I dunno. I just feel like i've finally hit on something, and it's a feeling i hope i would not forget

PS. lol. i've just realized i've posted so many pics. lol.

My Neighbors

2009-07-04T00:28:00.000-07:00

Mood: wtf
Now Playing: saltwater room, owl city.

Something is wrong with them, i swear. I woke up from a nap, fully refreshed. I rolled out of bed and started groping for my glasses when ka bam! The first notes of a ballroom song from the 80s hit me like shit. I scramble up and dart for the balcony to see where the source is coming from and bam. It's from the apartment TWO houses down the street. TWO FUCKING HOUSES. DOWN THE FUCKING STREET.

WHAT.
THE.
HELL.

5:06 EDIT.

Okay, so im supposed to confirm an interview with Joel Cruz from Aficionado. I called in earlier this afternoon, and they told me to call in at 5. lolwtfdunno. My voice is still effing croaky, i hope they understand me.

5:11
Okaaaaaaay. So i have to call on Monday, don't ask why. But on Monday, i have to leave home by 7, and my last class is chemlab, which is on 7 pm. Hot damn. This is why i don't like talking with people. We're just so.. vague. There's no other term for it. I should know; im probably one of the vaguest people around.

Monday, Fridays, and the Things that Happened in Between

2009-07-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

Mood: okay okay.
Now Playing: finally found the time to listen to stella. good song. will reflect on it more later.

MONDAY
Stayed in bed the whole day. Thought i had the Flu so i made up a mental list of ways to die. Come to think of it, i also made a mental list of doughnut flavors i'd like to taste in a cinema. Sigh. The things people do when boredom strikes.

Drank too many liquids. I think im still sweating all the water i drank. Slept too much, too. I'm now having trouble falling asleep. It's amazing.

Also, twas the day my throat started effing hurting. HURTING. It hurts just to say a single word, and i cough like crazy everytime i breathe. Damn.

TUESDAY
~~I honestly cannot remem~~ Had this quiz in educ psych. Didn't review much; i don't like how she teaches anyway. So aun. Im betting i got lower than low scores. But anyway, when class was finally over and people started flocking to the exits, Bren slams the teacher's table hard, an expression i guess of how the day is finally over and shit.

I slam the table with my educ psych book too, about to join in the process of cheering and complaining when the professor suddenly wheels around and sees me, up in the platform, an educ psych book in one hand, and the sound of two very loud noises in her ears. She calls me over and all i can think of goes like this:

Prof: So why did you bang your book on the table?
Me: My book was heavy mam, so i threw it on the table as i made my way across the platform. One cannot, after all, pass through the flock of people moving towards the door.
Prof: Are you angry?
Me: Mam?
Prof: Are you angry?
Me: N-no.. why should i be angry?
Prof: That's why im asking you.
Me: N-no... i wasn't angry.
Prof: Then why did you bang the table twice?
Me: adjaksljkdjasdjskd.

WEDNESDAY
Org fair today. Was supposed to be at the college at 8 in the morning to help set up everything. Arrived at half past... ten. Ohwellpapel. This year's org fair was with the theme of fiestas. CSJ picked Penafrancia (the one where the Virgin Mary walks on water, sorry i don't really know(yeah, i know im sinful)), so that's how we rolled.

Weird weather that day. The sun was effing hot, BUT it rained like shit. Saw Kevin Anne by the way. Paxter na pala siya, lol. Ndi ko alam. I am so efffing outdated.

Didn't catch the first day of the org fair. Had to go to a 1 pm class. Rest of the day passed in relative calm.

THURSDAY
2nd day of org fair. Was tasked to hold the fort from 8-10 in the morning. Arrived at 9-ish, i dunno the real time. Anyway, saw ate Eji at the booth already. Grabbed copies of the Mirage and tried to convince/bully/seduce(?!) freshmen into joining.

Which ended miserably. As i were in Monday, my voice was completely HOARSE. I couldn't utter a single sentence without grimacing in pain. I probably looked like the senior from hell.

FRIDAY
Studied for chemlab quiz. ARRG. Was also supposed to interview the Dean or the secretary or the buildings and ground committee, but i got up late, and as a result, was late for the third time for SCL class. Great. I opened the door, and there was this thick silence, i knew something was up. And there was; some shit about people not having (e.g. me) the proper handouts. Good thing the professor was very forgiving and gave us another chance.

We were dismissed earlier at chemlab today. Hung out at KFC after. I bought a Mcdo large fries, and wasted a lot of them; my effing throat just couldn't handle it, man. Around 7, we left KFC and sat at the new benches near the quad fountain.

Realized a lot of things this Friday. Probably the most important one taking the form of a warning i used to say to myself: blessed are the hearts that bend, for they will never be broken. blessed be also the minds that are on the lookout, for they will never be trampled upon.

Also, this draft i saved in my phone a few hours ago;

truth be told, i like riding an fx at night, mga around 8 or 9 pm. Not only because of the fact the streets are clean but also of the fact that intimacy can exist between strangers.

You have an idea how their bones feel; it probably aches just as much as yours do. But of course, your problems are your own, and it takes a little imagination to guess what theirs are.

Storytelling

2009-06-30T08:45:00.000-07:00

Mood: tired
Now Playing: wedding bell, depapepe

*I'm writing this with a runny nose, a horribly aching throat, and a sword-of-damocles-kind-of-deadline.*

In my drive for self-change, self-fulfillment and whatever, i have decided to try smiling instead of using cuss words. For example, if i someone want eaten, flagellated, burned on a thin piece of bamboo pole or simply dead, i will just stand there, hold my ground, stretch my skin back and smile like there's no damn tomorrow.

And it works! Children have fainted, screaming and flailing their stupid, pathetic arms. Garbage bags have exploded. Icky green creatures have been addressing me as their "master". I am so damn cool! :)

Okay, enough with the cheap literary tricks. But, i can assure you, i will indeed practice that swear-a-smile-campaign.

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The thing about being a Daryl is the innate randomness. Call me cliche, but sorry dear stupid folks; that's how this lump of flesh was made. So i have decided to cut my sad posts to a minimum, partly in order to lessen the dread my friends feel whenever im in the room (i feel i'm like wearing this huge neon sign on my head: "SUICIDE CANDIDATE") and yeah, for self-preservation purposes too.

Another thing. I think someone said to me when i was a kid: when in doubt, get a haircut. I believe it was one of my numerous uncles or aunts or whatever that said to me this Freudian phrase. As to why or how this may came to be, i have no idea.

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So last Saturday, i was damn ill. As in seriously ill. My temperature kept skyrocketing up to 40 degrees then ballooning gently down to 37. After a few more hours, i'd skyrocket up to 40 degrees again. Then down to 37. Then 40. Then 37. Then 40.Then... anyway. You get the picture. At first, i was damn afraid. Swine flu scared the shit out of me. "What if i infect the whole damn school?" I could just imagine the look of my tombstone; "Here lies Daryl, the stupid kid with the stupid swine flu".

Great.

But, as it turns out, i don't have the flu after all. Don't ask me exactly what this is, i just call it cough-runny-nose-combo. Yeah.

It's weird when you're sick, by the way. As i laid on my back, i kept fantasizing about the different ways to die. Wait, come back! This is not an emo post, i assure you.

So aun, anyway. Ways to die.

Scenario no.1 involved me falling down a staircase and my head just did a flying saucer leap before finally landing at my feet.

Scenario no.2 involved me accidentally stopping my breath (yeah, i know. HOW DOES ONE ACCIDENTALLY STOP ONE'S BREATH?)

and many more galore.

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So last night, as i staggered away from the bathroom after tooth brushing for the nth time, my aunt offered me a massage. I shrugged. Why not?

What happened after defies explanation as my aunt literally mashed my body - my pressure points - and the odd thing is, it was damn working.

Turns out, there are like points everywhere on the body where body stress sort of accumulates. (Notice how carefully i use the words "like" and "sort of"; i have no solid idea) And it's not exactly obvious, too; pinch the tendons in the shoulders, and that's the point for coughs. Pinch the space between the index and thumb finger, that's the point for when you have a stomach ache. Pinch the space behind the eyes... wait, what?

So for the next hour and a half, my body was bagang! kazaang! kapow! and i swear, my temperature went down to 36, and stayed there until morning. cooly!

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and to rb and papaya, thanks guys. ye really helped. swear. although i read your comments a bit late(okay, damn late), comments like that help people get through murky waters. By the way, did you guys know that i also accept money donations? xP pwahahaha. But yeah. Seriously, thanks guys.

Water, Rising

2009-06-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

Mood: none
Now Playing: the submarines brighter discontent

I've gotten melancholic over these past days, and i think i've inherited it from my past self. Which is weird, as i thought i had already forgiven myself for a lot of things. And it's nothing short of depressing. It's not even funny anymore. Remember when the tv stations labeled us Filipinos as "warm and smiling" people? Well, here's my two cents concerning that: DIE. We aren't bulletproof. We stumble and fumble and die and fuck up. And sometimes, we can't even stand the fug up.

Last night, i purposely left university at a little around 6 to catch the rush hour. Why? Well because traffic is strangely therapeutic, i swear. If you have breached the barrier of sanity, that is.

So anyway, I was expecting the traffic to be horrendously clogged and all that shit, what with all the flood around. But i was wrong; it was perfectly smooth sailing, with traffic only surfacing at around NAIA road. Damn. Thanks to that, i got home a ~~little~~ earlier than expected. askdjsakld.

So while i was freezing in the backseat, i whipped out my cellphone and looked at the drafts of the shit i have saved.

1
While i was spending time trying to tune out the world, the girls behind me were talking about how hot Girl A is, or how firm Boy B's buttocks were. Neyo was mentioned; if he was to sing in front of her, she would immediately strip. "Hubaran na to!"

2
Filipinos have this secret form of communication - we wiggle our eyebrows. It's how we greet people. The trouble is when it's all we do; we wiggle without even ever opening our mouths.

There's a lot more, but i won't go into that. Suffice to say there are times when one needs to shut up in order to believe.

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My friends tell me im going insane. Maybe i am. Maybe im not. Rb calls it ironic - a psychologist going insane. Turns out we can't help ourselves after all. ~~Or then again, i should rephrase. Turns out, i can't help myself after all~~

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I feel like ive been fooling around for too long. But whenever i try to make a 180 degree turn, i'm faced with a brick wall i can't pass. Maybe there really are sins which are too indelible to wash away, after all.

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Damn it. Just this last night i was reading all of my past posts, and almost 50% of them were about the shit i've been facing. Damn it, i need a new life. Maybe if i ask real hard enough, He'll give me a new one.

I sure hope so.

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Gumawa na naman ako ng panibagong blog.

Lokohan

2009-06-18T08:20:00.000-07:00

Ang mga nakalipas na araw ay... puno ng kamalasan. Isang makasariling obserbasyon, oo. Ngunit sa muling pagtanaw ko sa mga nagawa ko sa unang tatlong araw ng semestre, maipipinta ko ang Kamalasan gamit ang mga letra ng aking pangalan.

Siguro naman hindi ko na kailangan ilagay pa dito ang mga nangyari sa akin, sapagkat napapagtanto ko na mapupuno ko ang higit sa kalahati ng pahinang ito. Sapat na na malaman na tuloy-tuloy ang pagbuhos ang kamalasan sa akin. Ilang beses na akong muntik masagasaan, matapilok, mabunggo, matawag ng wala sa oras - lahat ng iyon sa tatlong araw pa lamang! Tangina naman oh. Partida pa at wala pang biyernes, na kung saan hanggng ika-pito ng gabi ang klase.

Ilang beses ng sumagi sa isipan ko na ako'y pinaparusahan lamang ng Maykapal. Alam ko, napaka Lumang Tipan ang ganitong pag-iisip, ngunit hindi maiiwasan, pagkat parang buong galit ng santinakban ang naibuhos sa akin. Kung iisipin, sadya nga namang karapat-dapat ako sa kamalasang ito, kung kaparusahan ang pag-uusapan. Hindi ako santo; ilang beses na akong nagmumura, nagnanakaw, naggagalit ngunit hindi nagpapatawad,at kung anu-ano pa. Kung titingnan ito sa ganitong pananaw, karapat-dapat nga naman na pagbayaran ko ang mga mali kong nagawa.

Tinanggap ko ito, noong una. Ang sabi ko sa sarili ko, dapat lamang to, huwag ka magreklamo, kasalanan mo to. Ngunit ngayon, ang mga tuhod kong tumakbo at mga kamay kong nakasarado ay nanginginig na; hindi lamang sa takot at pangamba kundi pati na rin sa hiya. Ilang beses na akong yumuyuko at humihingi ng tawad, pero ni wala pang isang linggo ang lilipas at magkakasala na naman ako - biglang magmumura, maiinis, magagalit. Pilit akong nagmamalinis at maghuhugas ng kamay ngunit sa bandang huli ay tumutubo ulit ang mga sungay ko. Masyadong matapang ang amoy ng kasalanan. Sa katunayan, kani-kanina lang, nagmura na naman ako. Hay.

Dumaan sa isip ko minsan. Paano kung mas natuto akong gumanti at lumaban at pumatay at magmura at magpairal ng kalapastanganan? Iba ang landas na tatahakin ko, panigurado. Siguradong wala ako ngayon sa ganitong sitwasyon. Pero aun. Hindi maiiwasan itanong : "paano kung ang landas na yun ang dapat na landas ko?"

Sa totoo lang, minsan na ding dumaan sa isip ko ang tumakas na lamang at wakasan ang ilang mga bagay-bagay. Napakadali lang naman kasi mag-isip at magplano ng mga pagwakas. Kay dali lang eh. Wala naman akong pagmamay-ari na maipagmamalaki kaya hindi problema ang huli kong mga habilin. Ang pagkakatanda ko pa, pensyonado ako kapag ako ay pinatay. E di kung ganoon din naman pala, eh di sana namatay na lang ako. Nakatulong pa ako sa mga magulang kong pangit.

Subalit ang konsensya ko ang lumiligtas, at sa parehong pagkakataon, ang pumipigil sa akin sa twina'y ito'y nababatid. Aminin mo, alam ng damdamin mo ang totoo sa mali, ang masama sa mabuti. Malas ko nga lang at tila makulit ang konsensya ko at takot magkamali. Masyadong takot. Duwag at mahina at walang kwenta. Nakakainis. Sana pala wala na lang akong konsensya. Sa gayon, hindi ako mag-aalinlangan. Hindi ako madudumihan sa sarili ko at maglalakad ako ng tuwid at nakatingala.

Simple lang naman ang gusto ko.

Ay mali pala. Wala na nga palang simple sa mundong ito.

Not Making Sense

2009-06-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

Mood: so and so
Now Playing: the con, tegan and sara

One of the greatest annoyances ever is when you're lined up in FAST FOOD ESTABLISHMENT and the people in front just keeeeeeeep on daaaaaaaaaaawdling. What the fuck is that? I came to eat in a FAST FOOD RESTAURANT to get some, well, fast food. And then they make me wait? Fuck. Even worse is when the people in front AND the cashier is in goody two shoes mode - they actually have the nerves to strike up a conversation!

Why do i RAGE like this? Just this evening, i was standing at a KFC at an SM near the house. Starving, wet, and angry to boot, i figured that the chicken steak would be the easiest to cook. I mean, how hard it would be to re-fry some pre-prepared fried chicken strips and smother them with gravy?

Turns out, it must have been pretty pretty hard. I had to wait for a thousand fucking years just to get my plate. No kid. I was actually thinking of suing them for wasting a couple of good minutes of my life away. Damn it.

Being the good guy i was, i bit back my retort and stumbled back to my chair and began consuming my purchases. After a few minutes, i ran out of rice, so i got up and walked to the counter and kabooom. There was this huge line, filled with those nasty, overly motherly type of women and their gremlins - excuse me - their kids. Accompanying them were accompanied by their husbands, who all looked like they listened to some satanic devil metal. FUCKSHIT.

And that was how i spent my evening.

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I just thought of something. What if everyday, people wake up and see the day as the first day they have ever lived? What would happen then? I mean, a lot of my friends and teachers tell me in a superior, almost nonchalant way, carpe diem, or "sieze the day".

Maybe people would be better people then. I mean, they're living life to the fullest, aren't they? Then... i dunno.

But then again, it would be like removing the limitations in this life, won't it? People would start believing they could fly and jump of a building. Im guessing population would suddenly explode; sex would be regarded as another step to "seize the day" and love confessions will suddenly swell. Im guessing Hallmark cards would have a ball - IF there are still jobs and people left to tend to it. I mean, they'd all be out there "living life to the fullest" won't they?

I dunno if im making sense. Will edit this later, if i get to it.

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I wish people have this Reset button on their foreheads. That way, i'd trigger mine almost a few hundred time each day and reset my life all over again. If that was the case, i'd be fucking Bill Gates by now.

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The muscles of the heart are one of the strongest muscles in the human body. I say this with all the ignorance of a psych major who is yet to understand the intricacies of the human body, and without the aid of any supplementary materials.

However i say this in full confidence. Why? Because if the heart muscles were weak, then i'm saying it right now - i should have been dead a few minutes ago. No, a few days ago.

May all of us never stand alone.

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Im starting to like covers. Here's two channels i frequent, as their voices are so damn amazing.
Talktothewalls
Tricia025
Lol. I sound like an endorser.

Steam

2009-06-11T03:32:00.000-07:00

Mood: discovered something shit
Now Playing: london, TWLOHA.

I miss my glasses. They snapped into two during the galera trip and i had to spend the entire 4-5 hour trip without my glasses. I slipped, stumbled, fell, bumped, flung myself upon every conceivable object. Going to the pier bathroom was the worst - i bumped into about 5 guys in there. Fuck, the last one even had a damn leather jacket on, and it was in the middle of summer. How could he last like that?

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I've been attaching names to a lot of inanimate objects right now. For example, have you met Sophie, the laptop or Elizabeth, the iPod? I dunno. I read somewhere that objects (and this applies to real people, as people per se are objects also) take on the characteristic of their given name. We namers impart some of what we want to see on the ones to be named by giving them names. So for instance, if i take my name..

Daryl - is English in origin, and means "one who is greatly loved"

and

Kane - is Gaelic and means "the one who is a warrior". It also means "beautiful" in Welsh.

So, combining the two words together, we get Daryl Kane, the beautiful warrior who is greatly loved.

Now if you excuse me for a while as i go apply for a fucking name change.

Source
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I've been hearing all day about this "ako mismo" hype or the independence day hype or whatever hype the tv companies are calling it. Frankly, i don't get why they have to advertise it SO damn much or make a big fuss out of. In my opinion, it goes against what they're going for in the first place - they're saying change must start within us, we must start the revolution, pinoys are cool yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah i get that, i dig that. But change isn't going to come to people just because you flooded them with ads or corny music vids that frankly only rile up the people for a second. Change comes from seeing results, from concrete programs, from solid foundations, and that inspires the people into action, into doing something.

Also, as i see it, there is little difference between what we're doing today with some politicians' acts come election time - the ones who sing, dance and invite bands for "change". That so called "change" is meaningless and should be thrown in the trash. Said politicians must also be banned from the elections. If, as a candidate, one underestimates the worth of one's people by bombarding them with entertainment - singing, dancing - all done for the sake of capturing the masses' attention, then i recommend that the politician be banned from the elections AND all toilet privileges for a year. Hold your own damn shit inside your damn body man. Keep it all to yourself.

Don't get me wrong, i love being free as the next pinoy out there, and i love celebrating it the way a lot of mindless drones do. But i'm tired, okay. All this red tape and forgotten lies (remember the i am sorry incident? whatever happened to that?) shit - it's just so repetitive. Im dog tired. Im going for change, that's for sure. But i sure as hell won't wear it on my chest for crying out loud.

Change should come from one's own volition, and as i observe it, people are just joining the cause for the heck of it. I mean, who wouldn't when it's all you see in the tv nowadays? Change without substance is meaningless, and fadism is just a damn fallacious belief - it isn't logical.

But still. Dum spiro, spero. While i breathe, i hope.

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I bumped into a chair again, and it hit me across the chest. And partida, naka salamin na ako niyan. ARGG.

Starpost

2009-06-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

Mood: shaken to the very core.
Now Playing: none

There's this book ive been wanting to read since day one, and it was only so recently that my sister reminded me of ACTUALLY reading it; she already has a damn copy of Jerry Spinelli's Stargirl, fresh from Fully Booked.

Being the haughty, avaricious and greedy (yes, i know it's somehow redundant, but that's who - excuse me - what she really is) sister she is, i downloaded a copy of Stargirl and it floored me. FLOOORED me, damn it. Me, the one who got through the Twilight series and never looked back. Me, the stubborn wannabe stoic. Me, the one who kicked a damn door and left a damn dent i had to fix afterwards. It floooored me, ladies and gents. It cut open my damn reservoir of emotions and flung it open.

Anyway, the story goes like this. There's this guy who falls in love with the transfer student who goes by the name Stargirl. Stargirl is no ordinary person as she does everything that deviates from normal - she gives people get-well cards, happy birthday songs and little gifts, even to total strangers. She's just like that. She's quick to notice when other people are feeling bad, but she has no regards to her well-being whatsoever; she's like an entity that only allows kindness to flow out. At first, people thought of it as cute and charming, but when they get tired of her deviations, they shun her and keep her out. No one talks to her, no one notices her, no one even acknowledges her presence. Y'know, the classics.

So anyway, Stargirl has this "happy wagon", where she places a pebble inside if she's feeling happy, and where she takes out a pebble if she's not. Now normally, there's only an average of about 9-10 pebbles inside, with 20 pebbles all in all. And then one night after inviting the guy over, she shows him her room, her family and then they spend the rest of the evening out in the sidewalk, talking.

"Sounds like you're saying i'm obsessed with other people. Is that it?"

Maybe it was the angle, but her fawn's eyes, looking up at me, seemed larger than ever. I had to make an effort to keep my balance lest i fall into them. "You're different," i said "that's for sure"

She batted her eyelids and gave me a flirty grin. "Don't you like different?"

"Sure i do," I said, maybe a little too quickly.

A look of sudden discovery brightened her face. She reached out with her foot and tapped my sneaker. "I know what you're problem is."

"Really?" I said. "What?"

"You're jealous. You're upset because im paying all this attention to other people and not enough to you."

"Right," I sniffed. "I'm jealous of Peter Sinkowitz."

She stood. "You just want me all by yourself, don't you?" She stepped into my space. The tips of our noses were touching. "Don't you, Mr. Leo?" Her arms were around my neck.

We were on the sidewalk in front of her house, in full view. "What are you doing?" I said.

"Im giving you some attention," she cooed. "Don't you want some attention?"

I was losing my battle for balance.

"I don't know," I heard myself say.

"You're really dumb," she whispered in my ear.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Why do you think there's eighteen pebbles in my wagon?" And then the last remaining space between our noses was gone, and i was falling headlong into her eyes, right there on Palo Verde after dinner.

I dunno if it gets to you the way it got to me, but hot damn. Something came undone inside me after i read those lines. It was like someone got this huge ass scissors and cut open my damn heartstrings and rearranged them together again. And arggh, it also got me wishing for a stargirl of my own. She'll be radiant and... and.. and..

Fuck ye, Jerry Spinelli.

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I don't want to be a spoiler (they don't get together in the end, fuckfuckfuck FUCK!) so maybe you should drop whatever you're doing right now and run to the nearest Powerbooks, Fully Booked or whatever bookshop you frequent and demand a copy of Stargirl. If they don't have it in that branch, call the manager and demand that they ship it over ASAP. Then run to the next bookstore or branch and repeat.

Or, http://www.4shared.com/file/78005158/2d602379/Stargirl.html.

There's this sequel too, entitle Love, Stargirl, and also a movie coming out this 2009. I swear to God i will watch it on the bigscreen, and then run screaming to quiapo or an astrovision and buy a dvd copy of it.

Now if you'll excuse me, i need to get my heart out of the blender.

Great Weather

2009-06-04T03:53:00.000-07:00

Mood: nothing
Now Playing: swimming pool, the submarines

It's official - i have been taken in by the band the submarines. I dunno. Maybe it's their song swimming pool's lyrics - And all we ever want is to be loved / whether sun or stars above / all our trouble all our toil / is towards no greater earthly goal, or the fact that they're the perfect song to go by in this great weather.

So aun. I said in my last post that i'll be going out of town for a few days. It's actually for a TBA in Bluerose Batangas. But sadly, it didn't push through. It's a long and sad story, so to make it short, let's just say that the Dean didn't allow us to venture forth for the sake of all our necks.

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Instead of going to Batangas, we went instead on a road-trip of sorts to get those who managed to wade through the rain back home. It's actually sort of fun and strangely therapeutic really; sitting idly in a car, pretty cozy with your jacket and people around, while the outside was battered by rain droplets the size of bullets.

It was also pretty eerie. I mean, the whole outside was blanketed in this thick cover of rain, which strangely looked like metal imbued with cloth. Like i said, it was strangely therapeutic. I actually feel like i am a changed man!

LOL.

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Damned Baby Steps

2009-06-03T06:23:00.000-07:00

Mood: okay
Now Playing: brightest hour, the submarines

I enrolled my ass today. It was sort of funny; there weren't a lot of people AT ALL. My whole travel time actually took much longer than the enrollment procedure itself. Pwahahaha. Then again, i enrolled a day earlier than i was supposed to, but anyway. Pwahahaha.

So my schedule looks like shit. Do not let me explain it, as i will probably sink deeper in the pits of sin.

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Today, i will pray for someone, and hope that she'll be okay, wherever the damn winds sweep her feet. Yuuch, blech. Im so cheesy i should start a fucking cheese factory.

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Im going out of town for a few days. No, i am not declaring hiatus. I just have something to do, and i want to do it right this year.

One of Those Posts

2009-06-02T05:54:00.000-07:00

Mood: so-so
Now Playing: nothing, by duh, nothing.

I think i speak for a lot of us when i say i hate the feeling of forced pleasantries in the church. You get? It's like you meet someone in front of a church as you go in. Instantly, sparks fly in everywhere - you feel a familiar feeling. It is steamy, red, passionate anger, and it is directed to that god-forsaken being you are currently locking your eyes on. From the expression painted on his/her face, you are utterly convinced that he/she feels the same steamy, red, passionate way about you too.

Then you guys realize that your are, in fact, in front of the church,so that when your paths do cross as you enter and he/she leaves, you guys smile and ask how the other is doing, when it really translates into "i wanna fart upon your nose and kill you with the stench."

That's what i hate. I dunno.It just sort of feels... ridiculous. You must know that there are times when i absolutely hate being with people. When im in that particular mood, poke me with a ten meter stick and i'll just brush it off as nothing. But touch me or even - god forbid - strike a meaningless conversation (let's say, the weather)....asjdakldjaskld. ARGG. qsdadjasldjasldjasl.

I mean, come off it. Who in their right mind would talk about the goddamn weather?

I dunno how i developed this antisocial side to my damn persona. Heck, i don't even know what my god damned persona really is. But rest assured that it is not pretty, and it is not like the commercials that those damn toothpaste commercials play. It is gritty. It is dirty. It is sinf

Damn it.

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You don't know how scary it is to switch attitudes. It's like one minute, i was ranting non-stop about how i hate forced pleasantries, and the next, i was typing in about my persona when suddenly i effing STOPPED in mid-type. I read through my post again and experienced a fear so primordial, it's not even funny. Damn it, i fear myself.

Forgive me for noticing, but i have this annoying and neurotic habit of fluently remembering and - heaven forbid - analyzing the most insignificant of things.

Y'see, it's like last month, i was this guy who believed in the universe and it's intricacies and welcomed every god damn thought it threw my way. Now, i have developed a budding anti-social side that is just eating away at my insides and tearing up my mind. Science tells me that is all hormonal; it's completely safe, it's a part of adolescence, blahblahblah, so don't worry a thing about it.

But.. damn it. This is real, you know. It's not just some textbook question one could answer with two or three well-phrased sentences from the book. This is happening right fucking now. I want answers, and i want them chopped, arranged and served beautifully on a damn silver plate with coffee and fruits on the side.

But life isn't like that,isn't it? It spits and spats and laughs at your amazement.

Is this what they call adolescence? Is this what they call growing up? And upon realizing the answers to all of that, what could i sa - hell. What could WE say? Accept the changes happily ever after? Start a revolt? A movement? A century?

Is this the goddamn price to pay for maturity, our sanity? Cause if it is, then maybe a lot of us should take a step back and gather up the pieces we have lost along the way.

Fuck. I have a lot of things to pick up, it seems.

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Kaho and Pocky.

2009-05-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

Mood: whoa
Now Playing: anata no watashi no POCKY. damn catchy pocky song is catchy

So it's 3 in the morning, and i've found.... this.

Kaho (she's the main girl) looks beautiful in this movie. Great team behind the lens, and cool choices of background music too - it fits the laid back atmosphere it is trying to achieve. Then again, i say this sorely from about (n) views of the trailer, of a deep affinity for anything that is asian and of anything that has the words "breeze" and "village" in it; the truth is i haven't had the resources nor the time to procure a copy of this yet. But rest assured that i will. And when i do, will present this movie, hopefully, in better justice.

And did i say that Kaho looks beautiful in this movie?

Also, this insane commercial i can't get out of my damn head.

Come off it, you know you want to say it. ANATA NO WATASHI NO PCOKY!

N is for Nuking

2009-05-26T00:52:00.000-07:00

Mood hmm. :
Now Playing: alkaline trio, mercy me.

So Yahoo news bear an alarming headline today - N. Korea does a nuclear test - and a lot of nations aren't too happy about it. I'm... not too sure. But i mostly agree with what the other nations say; it's a blatant display of power. The news (accdg to my limited understanding) say that N. Korea has problems of it's own and if Kim Jong II, N. Korea's leader thinks that what his country needs is a morale boost, then he sends in a nuclear test for his people.

But i think that if im a young north korean, and my leader's picking a fight against more than 5 nations, then i will be far from assured. Plus the disturbing fact that most of these more than 5 nations are great nations with a lot of history and power... hot damn. Blessed be the hearts that bend. \

Not to mention im getting paranoid.

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item can be found here.

A Lot of Things and Nothings

2009-05-25T03:11:00.000-07:00

Mood: baad
Now Playing: you owe me an IOU, hot hot heat

I was having this cool dream - i was drowning in sea of creamy sweet chocolate and suddenly this stunning asian girl with beautiful hair came sweeping down on me and gave me mouth to mouth resuscitation(all to save me, of course, lol) - when i suddenly came tumbling down on my bed with an unearthly thud. Fuck.

And that pretty much sums up how i woke up this morning. With a damn thud. Today is clearance day, and for the love of everything that is holy, i could not fathom why the college (or my trig professor, for that matter) told me to get my clearance in the afternoon, when it is friggin hot.

To illustrate, the moment my foot stepped out of my house's shade, i immediately retreated back into the comfort of the house - and the fan. Damn it, i was sorely tempted to crack open an egg and see if it will fry itself.

It didn't, by the way.

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so after numerous trips to the damn doctor, i have now been prescribed as someone who, due to congenital(since birth) cataracts, have glaucoma on both eyes. That, ladies and gentlemen, seriously sucks. I use my damn eyes almost every day. Even my hobbies - reading, playing games, taking a bath after doing the aforementioned activities - put a godawful strain on my eyes.

But thanks to this, i can now adopt the contemporary writer's attitude! It's this hilariously popular style of writing which is so amazing and fantastic, it actually reeks in fans by the gajillions! Im not gonna tell you - oh damn all right doggone it. It's this whole "damn-it-im-so-sad-and-angsty-i-could-just-die-but-i-will-write-about-this-sadness-which-inadvertently-is-about-love-syndrome" True, there are many writers who can pull it off splendidly, but damn it if i read another piece about heartbreak and love unrequited.

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Have you ever heard the scandal about kho and halili? Oh who am i fooling, of course you have. Its the only goddamn thing in the news today! It's been on forever, and forgive me if i offend a lot of stupid, sheep-like and zombie-dead brains by saying GET OVER IT. Damn it, the media is milking too much out of a simple story. They could have just gone and went about doing a feature that is actually relevant to this country - like the swine flu virus, or the mystifying disappearance of funds, or hell, even pacman's special economic zone. But nooo. KhoxHalili is still all the rage on a lot of the fucking media. ARGGG

Forgive me if i say this, but i will try and phrase this in a nice enough manner. Find another topic and stop clawing at each other's throats. And that goes for all of the major media channels. You're job is in charge of supplying the public the truth, not some rubbish about some doctor and an actress most of just do not give a fig about. And, also, fuck off. Leave the damned individuals alone and let's all go along with our meaningless lives, shall we?

And, if by some miraculous power of heaven someone in authority actually reads this piece, let it be known that these are all my opinion, lest we risk another heart-stopping, brain-dead inducing scandal about a blogger and his blog piece.

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And, on a more happier note, this is the reason i have been sleeping late. Damn you, megaten. Damn yoooou!

Dog

2009-05-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

Mood: fralala.
Now Playing: amphetamines, eve6

So i've been a good boy and have been listening to Ethics class. Accdg to our substitute prof, there is this soulification, which says that the moment the sperm hits the egg, a soul is inscribed into it. WAO. haha.

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I went to the doctors today, and it is so depressing. They now have to rule out glaucoma in the right eye, too. ARGG.

And aun. There was this visual field test or something, and it basically measure your peripheral vision. What you have to do is to look into the light at the center of the machine and ONLY at the light. Then, lights will go on and off around your peripheral vision. Whenever you see a light, you'll need to press a handheld that will in turn, measure how accurate your peripheral vision is.

demnet. haha. I had trouble moving my eye AT ALL. argg.

I wish i was a dog. Then i could act stupid all day and be an undercover ninja for a forgotten dog order at night. Why do i know that dogs are ninjas? My own dog, Ming, told me as he drank vodka on the rocks. Haha.

*facepalm*

mmmmKay.

2009-05-15T02:35:00.000-07:00

Mood: im actually feeling good! good god, the world is gonna end.
Now Playing: mirror's edge remixes.

So today, we had a class debate at Ethics. Ethics is kinda cool, by the way. Except it's in the extremes. If the lecture is boring, it's SUPER DUPER boring. If the lecture is exciting, it's SUPER DUPER exciting.

Anyway, we had this debate, and i think it's fun. Our team was assigned the anti-contraceptive part, which practically condemns the use of contraceptives. We raised a few good points (though im not so sure, im terribly biased) The opposing team, the pro-contraceptives' points, were equally, if not more so, stated. If i were an observer, i would have been at a loss as to what to think; i say this in all honesty.

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On another note, the substitute ethics professor mentioned soulification. It's when the zygote is imbued with a soul and is instantaneous with fertilization.

It's such a nice word, don't you think? SOULIFICATION.

woohoo.

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So im hunting this game, mirror's edge a few months back. Trailer below.

So if you have an installer, lend me and i will be your slave forever. No shit. It's too much of a hassle to dl a game this big, and god knows i have a loong list of dvd's i want to buy, so.. yey.

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And, to trishaang, thank you.

Harrrumphing.

2009-05-08T04:37:00.000-07:00

Mood: blank
Now Playing: none

Do you know the feeling that you get whenever you stand up and look in a mirror the first thing in the morning? Y'know how it goes; you see the sun, you see your white teeth that still haven't met the toothbrush, you see how perfect and just right your bed hair looks without bringing it down, and you just know deep down inside that this day is The Day - that kind of shit.

But then the sun shifts over, and you see how deeply scarred and ugly your soul is beneath all the gaiety. Just a little shift of the sun to see how bad your pimple really looks, how uncool your smile looks like, how that little bit of skin tag under your chin doesn't look like a little bit anymore. And sometimes, it takes all you have just to keep yourself from recoiling in disgust.

But still, sin we are, and sin we do.

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Lately, there are a lot of people going to me for help. I don't know why they do; my latest theory and probably most plausible one says that they are innately masochistic - they like pain and their favorite form of self-flagellation is by seeking my help. Which is perfectly okay by me - it's your grave you're digging, by asking my help. Also, i am innately meddlesome. Forgive me, i must have been a pop star in my other life.

The sad part is, when it comes to my own problems, i am stumped. I can't follow anything i've ever told anyone to do. It's depressing; its like you already know the answer to a hell of a difficult math problem, but you just can't apply the solution. It's like having to factor an easy equation. You know the answer; it's just a simple x=1, but you just can't get the damn equation right.

And it's infuriating. I wish i could post a video just so you can hear my voice and see my face, which will probably disturb you the rest of your damnawful jolly life as the most infuriated face you will ever see.

goddamn it people. Im not bullet-proof. Im not a saint. Im probably the most evil, lying, cheating, poor excuse of a person you'll ever see. And if you think about it, maybe you are too. And that's perfectly alright. That's why we help each other out. Organisms of the same species must help each other or they die out. I get that.

But damn it. Why can't i help this damn mesh of flesh and nerves and blood and guts i call my own?

Get me out of this life.

Damn It, Scrubs.

2009-05-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

Mood: blank
Now Playing: check yes juliet, we the kings.

Now, i have to scrounge enough moolah for a Scrubs dvd. It's now ranked 3rd in Ding's Trip to Hidalgo, Quiapo list. So cool.

But anyway, look at this.

Damn it, Scrubs, you're giving me an inferiority complex, lmao.

Quoting, and Reminding

2009-04-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

Mood: sleepy.
Now Playing: always where i need to be, the kooks

Yes, good sirs and gentle ladies. I have now achieved the state of near-enlightenment due to my innate ability to worry incessantly about the things that should not be worried upon. Pretty soon, i will be levitating an inch above the ground and will practice the act of being into two places at the same time! So far out!

Sheesh.

I've been so tired lately, i don't even know what i've been doing. Craptastic.
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So this week, my Ethics professor, sir.. Niera(?) on the topic about the Posture Philosophy, (the human being has it's brain up at the top while the other beasts' brains are almost at the level of their tails) said the following lines. "If it is truly love, it does not destroy you, it saves you." And then methinks that he's right you know. People should stop hawking faux love; the kind of love that politicians give away come election time - flimsy, shallow, and full of potential seldom actualized. People should save other people. We're of the same kind, after all. Survival of the fittest, my ass - we're practically the same.

Then i remember that there's this passage from Corinthians 13: 1-13.

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels,
but have not love,
I have become sounding brass or a tinkling symbol.

Oh, and BTW, this continues on to the "love is kind, it is never jealous.." verse that so many of us are familiar with.

SO ANYWAY.

He's one weird, but cool professor. Somehow, he always manages to sneak in PMS and all that shit about pregnancy and the things it brings. Y'know. Shit like the father's responsibility, the mother's 18 year detention, the kid's future.

How's that for an Ethics class. Rofl. Right now, we're going into teh human acts thingy, and it practically requires you to read this P135 textbook, with print too little for comfort. That's one of the reasons my eyes hurt like hell right now. Damn you, ethics.

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I am also reminded of a quote by Twain. He asks, "But who prays for Satan? Who, in a thousand years, has prayed for the one sinner that needed it most?" (something like that shit anyway)

Lol. who indeed.

Being Wet

2009-04-22T05:13:00.000-07:00

Mood: harrumph.
Now Playing: vertigo, u2.

Today started out real fine; i managed to catch the daily fx that PASSES right by our house at 7 in the morning. Yeah, i know - it's weird. But anyway, an fx is still an fx, so i grabbed a seat and started playing some U2.

The morning passed by in a blur; i just wanted the day to end. I think i answered a quiz at trig class, but i don't think i got much of the answers right, though. Mercifully, prof Giovanni dismissed us pretty early. Thank God.

And that's where my troubles began.

I've been spending lunch catching up with people from high school; looking back, i can't believe how much we've shot up. I mean, we've all got deeper voices now, it's sort of scary. It's like speaking through a rolled up piece of newspaper - sometimes it comes out all whiny and shit, but after a few tries, it gets better; more rounded and cooler-sounding. So aun. After much thinking, we decided to eat at jollibee dapitan.

If you've never been to Dapitan, you may dismiss it as just a hangout for after class ust students. But if you've been to Dapitan, you probably know how poor the drainage system there is. And if you've ever been to Dapitan IN THE RAIN, you most definitely know that it is not fun.

To illustrate, click the thumbnail to see something cool.

See teh caption? Yep, it says Espana, not Dapitan. But suffice to say that, whatever the state of the flood in Espana is, the king of all flooded streets still lie in the hands of Dapitan.

So aun. We left Jollibee a few minutes before 1, and as since all of our classes resume at 1 in the afternoon, we knew we were in deep shit; the flood was past our shoes already. The next thing i knew, we were wading in the fuckingly cold and fuckingly dirty mother of all sin we humans call flood.

The flood was... shitty. Literally. I dread to think what nauseating terrors i have plunged my feet into.

Eventually, we managed to get back to ust under one umbrella. Yes, i know - miracles do happen. And then, after much squeezing and drying and whatnot in the cr( and i mean MUCH squeezing and drying and whatnot) , i climbed the stairs to the classroom.

Tsaraaa~n. Wala palang pasok. How fun!

Lecheng buhay to oh.

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If getting to class was wet, then getting back home was wet, with shit and fuck and sin on. The rain was POURING harder than ever, i half expected to see a fucking submarine emerge from the depths of the murky waters. No fucking joke.

Now in UST, there are four entrances - Espana, Dapitan, Noval and Lacson - in the north, south, east and west respectively. We actually fucking circled the whole of UST because we wanted to find, at the very least, a piece of high land to stay dry. After what seemed a fruitless effort, we set off to a flooded dapitan.

Yes, FUCKING. CIRCLED. A. FUCKING. FLOODED. UST. And to think, in the 1st place, we were just a few steps away from dapitan. I don't know why we decided to circle UST anyway. Sigh. Stupidity or bravery? I'd like to think of it as the former. Haha.

and anyway, we survived. We should get a Nobel or a Ninoy. We finally got home after stinking the lrt line - we smelled exactly like the flood outside.

Truthfully, if i wasn't wet and miserable and cold, i would've found the whole damn situation funny. But, sad to say, i was wet, miserable and cold and did not find the whole damn situation funny. You should've seen the state of my shoes - or what's left of it anyways.

Screw You

2009-04-14T06:53:00.000-07:00

Mood: shitty
Now Playing: nothing

My dad expects me to get up at 5 in the fucking morning, to help out clean the wooden blocks littering the vacant lot we call our own. Y'see, he's a fcking work nut. His dogmas is - i must have something to fix in my hands or i will die. This summer, he plans on fixing the shed where we keep all our carpentry tools - excuse me - HIS carpentry tools. There's this big shit going in around our backyard and it's so noisy it makes hearing heavy, distorted, incomprehensible and loud guitar solos sound like heaven's angels. I am not kidding, i am not shitting or am i utilizing some writing skills. It's so fucking noisy. And so, it's littered now with pieces of wood - i guess he's planning on making a ship or a shed or something - and he want me to clean that shit up.

what the fuck is his fucking problem?!

I have a fucking class at 9 in the fucking morning, and to reach the university on time, i MUST ride an fx at seven in the fucking morning, or i ride a fucking jeep to the ungodly and beastly baclaran station, which is fucking hot and fucking busy with fucking people who ALWAYS manage to bump/kick/smell/breathe/shit on me and my fucking white uniform, to catch a train to bambang/tayuman/un fucking station. Upon exiting the station, i either have to walk a few fucking miles to my goddamn fucking school OR hail a fucking goddamn fx or worse, a fucking smoking jeepney.

and it's 10 in the evening, and i have nine fucking hours until the morning. AND i have this big fat fucking 11 am - 1pm that fucking break which is so fucking boring i want to fucking cry.

fuck everyone, i want to die. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

And dad, you know i love you but i just can't fucking be you.

5:59 AM.

2009-04-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

Mood: blank t
Now Playing: Cynthia Alexander, Weather Report

So i'm going to university in a few hours for my effing summer class. Aside from a three hour trigo class, i've also taken theology 3, christian ethics. You know, just some advanced shit that does not need advancing. I like to torture myself anyway, so why not do it in a manner that will please... who ever it is that would feel pleasure in this, right? lol.
I need saving, too.
Gotta go. Something smells good from the kitchen. :D

Pacing.

2009-04-10T10:12:00.000-07:00

Mood: none
Now Playing: none, too.

Regarding the stuff i said earlier, i caved in. I'll be having a 9-3 class this summer, so yippee.

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A lot of thing have happened, and i don't want to talk about it. Especially the stuff that's taking up a lot of my mind right now. I've told someone about this already, and i think one soul is enough; i wouldn't want to jinx it or anything.

Let's just say that finding a place to live near ust has been upgraded a notch higher in my summer to-do list.

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I have this vandal in my closet. It says to live on

It's getting harder and harder to live up to what we say, don't you think?

Before

2009-03-31T18:36:00.000-07:00

Mood: nervous.
Now Playing: none.

Today i will go off to ust and get my clearance; to see the form all of my sins have taken. I've said all of the above text before, as well as the words "from the ashes of my downfall will rise the empire of my success"

Yeah. I've said all of these before.

Argh

2009-03-30T01:22:00.000-07:00

Mood: okay.
Now Playing: Friday im in love, The Cure.

I have finally acquired an ipod. It's colored orange, has an 8 gig capacity(now down to only one gig and i haven't finished transferring all my playlists yet but anyway), and is named Elizabeth the iPod.

Normally, i should have been blown out of my fucking mind, but i just can't get myself to get all excited unless i see April 1st pass over me. I just hate feeling guilty and all that shit.

For those who know and are feeling nervous, don't worry mehn. You're freaking not alone; i'm practically eating my nails here. For those who know and are not feeling any nervousness at all, here's some cyber applause for you. *applause* For those who do not know at all, count yerself lucky.

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Internet is incredibly slow today. Er. Slower than usual, anyway. Even if i pause all of the fucking torrents that have remained in the backlogged section of my mind and computer, it is still so incredibly slooow. I blame no one but this fucking summer heat.

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I think i've read in a past reader's digest that when women talk, they do it mainly to clear their heads. However, when men talk, they do mainly to exchange information.

Why am i mentioning this?

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April Fool's. The day i will see the shape of my sins.

I'm guessing it will be so fucking large.

Fuck.

Dreaming is so cool

2009-03-27T00:31:00.000-07:00

Mood: hopeful
Now Playing: none

So last night i dreamed about stuff again. The details are sort of hazy, but anyway.

No 1.

I was adopting a baby kid. I was in some kind of room, and there were babies in the play den, each doing their own stuff. Said babies were about a year old. And then i stepped forward and called out a name; Stephen.

Only one head turned. He was a small thing, with wisps of black hair blown down his head. Sort of swept back. I think he was wearing a green jumper over a white shirt, but im not so sure now. I remember saying to the attendant that suddenly materialized beside me that i had chosen this child because he alone responded to my call. That sort of shit.

When i left the room, i came face to face with the corridor of our house; it turns out that the room i was previously in(the room with the babies and the attendant) was actually my room. We were right smack bang outside the doorstep of my room.

Then there came a small sound beneath me. I was holding baby Stephen's hand. I scooped him up in my arms and walked...

As to where, i have no idea.

And then my dream ended. Or rather, this part of the dream ended, and another part graciously swept back.

No. 2.

I was in the same room again, with all the babies playing in the den. But this time, when i stepped forward and called out a name, it wasn't Stephen. It was another name. It was a girl's name. As to what name, exactly, i have no recollection now.

Anyway, i called out a name, and, like before, only one answered. Clad in a green jumper and white shirt, she gazed at me quite bashfully.

She was... beautiful. She had long, soft hair, eyes unlike a Filipino's, and the most bashful gaze a one year old can ever do. I remember scooping her up from the den and exiting the room.

Upon exiting, we found ourselves right outside my room's doorstep, again. But this time, i remember sitting down in a rattan armchair, the light of an early morning seeping in through two windows behind the armchair.

And then it ends there.

No 3.

This part is probably the most hazy shit of them all. I was in some sort of organization with a penchant for big ass guns. And then, i remember i was in some sort of a dilemma. One of my son/daughter was kidnapped, and i was going to storm through the kidnapper's hideout.

What then followed was a lot of gunfights and gore. As to whether i was successful in rescuing my kid, i have no idea.

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What are the odds of me dreaming the same dream tonight?

Last Night

2009-03-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

Mood: shitty
Now Playing: ichirin no hana. forgot the artist,.

So i was organizing my cd puddings. AGAIN. im OC that way; i like to see things in order as much as i like disordering them. I've used up 8 cd puddings, each with a cd capacity of 10, and big one, with a 30-cd capacity. Doing the math, i have 110 cds. If each cd is worth, let's say, 40 pesos, i have 4400 worth of dvds in my possession.

How... hardcore.

This shit here(<-----) is my room (please don't mind the fucking clutter) as i was organizing the said cds. It's actually funny how it started; i was in bed, and it was already a little bit after 10. Then i suddenly wanted to watch higurashi, that cute gory anime show with the loli mascots. One thing led to another, and by the time i realized what i was doing, i was already organizing my puddings. Yeah. Most of the cds are stacked, so it doesn't really show, but fuck mehn. And oh, the carpet is new. It's really comfy, i swear i'm gonna sleep there soon. My aunt says that it's a damn blanket, but i say otherwise. And oh. Last night, nichola posted this EPIC LINK on plurk(join,damnit). Therefore, click the fucking link, little grasshopper, and prepare yerself for the lolz.

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I got tired of leechin the fucking granado espada game, so if anyone has an installer or any shit of that sort, lend it to me and i will love you forever.

Grades are worth shit

2009-03-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

Mood: shitty
Now Playing: kids, mgmt.

So i received word that teh grades are posted in front of the main bldg, so i checked out the online grade system.

FUCK.

It hasn't been updated. Yet. 1st semester's grades are still in there. Wait, let me f5 again.

Sigh, yep. It's still there. Sigh.

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so here's two awesome covers of kids. this one by the kooks and this one by kxy, a singaporean artist.

Feels good, man.

Summer, Yo.

2009-03-25T02:58:00.000-07:00

Mood: yeah
Now Playing: it's not the fall that hurts, the caesars

Everyday it's the same old damn cycle. I wake up and i tell myself that I! Must! Wake! Up! It's weird; I roll of the bed, and then i grab my clock, and then i fumble for my glasses, and then i straighten up. I tell myself that i must do at least 30 push ups, but it ends there- i just tell myself. You don't know how many days i've told that to myself already. Then i climb back up the bed and fall asleep again.

I am so fucking active.

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My dad's coming on the weekend. Wao, i can't fucking wait to be subject to mental self-torture of self-worthlessness and inferiority. Love ya, dad.

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Maybe i should paint my wall. Yes. In singular form. I'm thinking of something artsy fancy.You know, like the stuff you see in hippie museums. Basically i need a brush, paint, primer... do i still need that permacoat shit?

Grah. Naaah. Im better off sleeping.

UST survey.

2009-03-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

grabbed from her.

1. Napuntahan mo na ba ang lahat ng bldgs sa campus?
~ napuntahan oo. naka explore, ndi pa. :))

2. Nakapunta ka na sa may Graduate School?
~ oo. astig. prang ang sarap tuloy mag aral dun next sem. (coughcoughsapanaginipoughcough)

3. Nakipagkita ka na sa may lovers' lane?
~ yap.

4. Nakaupo/tambay ka na ba sa gilid ng mga halaman sa carpark?
~ oo, nung 1st day pa. tae, nakakagulat ang pagkamamaw ng mga tao nun.

5. Tumatambay ka ba sa TYK para magpalamig?
~ oo.

6. E sa Lib? Anong section?
~ filipiniana! haha

7. Eh sa tuktok ng Main?
~ nung may practice pa, oo.

8. Ano ang Joli's?
~ tindahan. bwahahaha.

9. Saan ang Asturias?
~ sa dapitan.

10. Na-experience mo na ba maghealth service?
~yap.

11. Paano ang usapang baha?
~ e di baha. parang may magagawa ka naman. :))

KAINAN

12. Ano ang pinakamahal na fast food resto sa carpark?
~ Hotshots.

13. San ka napakain sa dapitan?
~ madami eh. bwahaha.

14. Saan McDo ka kumakain? Carpark o Lacson?
~ carpark.

15. Ilan ang Jollibee sa Dapitan?
~ Dalawa.

MGA TOMASINO NGA NAMAN

16. Gusto mo ba uniform mo?
~ p-pwede na rin. pero mas oks sana kung kahit ano na lang eh.

17. Nainggit ka na ba sa uniform ng ibang college dahil ayaw mo yung uniform ng college mo?
~ nopers.

18. May picture ka na ba sa harap ng Main?
~ yap.

19. With Benavides?
~ w-wala pa ata.

20. E kasama yung higanteng UST letters na palipat lipat sa campus?
~ oo. haha. pambansang picturan un eh.,

21. Nakagamit ka na ng toilet sa Main?
~ yap. kahit umagang umaga, ambaho pa rin ng cr sa baba amps.

22. Nakadaan ka na ba sa Arch of the Centuries?
~ once. balang araw, dadaan ulit ako doon.

23. Sinong may pinaka-ASTIG na uniform?
~ science, kasi sinabi kooo.lol. wag ka na magulo, survey ko to. :P

24. Naging addict ka b s UAAP dhil sa Tigers?
~nopers.

25. Nakakita ka na ba ng nag-yoyosi sa tapat ng "No Smoking" sign sa may gate ng campus?
~ ndi pa. haha. buti ndi sila binaril nung guard.

26. Na-experience mo na ba ang late suspension ng classes dahil may bagyo?
~ alam ko, oo. pero baka nagpapantasya na naman ako. :|

27. Ano ang feeling?
~ uh. hha.

28. Excited ka ba pag malapit na ang Paskuhan?
~ nung unang paskuhan ko, oo. ewan ko na lang next year.

29. Bakit oo? Bakit hindi?
~ kasi bagong karanasan. ye.

30. Nakikitingin ka ba ng results ng USTET sa catwalk?
~ oo. merong bastos na nagvandal dun. haha. ang cool.

31. Pumila ka na ba sa ATM machine sa Main?
~ ndi papaa. hahaha.

ETC

32. Taga-saang college kba?
~ College of Science.

33. Course?
~ BS Psychology.

34. Yr?
~ First year.

35. Building?
~ main.

36. Ilan sections?
~ 5.

37. Miss mo na UST?
~ miss ko na ang baon. xP

UPDATE: HARDCORE THOMASIAN SURVEY (Try your luck)

38. Ano ang Quadricentennial Park dati?
~ park something. haha.

39. Saan makikita ang playground?
~ Sa Botanical garden? AH! Dun sa may Educ High ata! :)) Tama? :)) ->>> dun na rin ang sagot ko. haha.

40. Anog ang tinanggal nila sa harap ng Central Library para itayo yung walang kwentang TYK?
~ i disagree; ang tyk ay isang bldg para magpalamig ang mga students. :)) tsaka, ewan, ndi ko alam lol.

41. Para sa'yo, saan pinakamadaming magaganda?
~ ewan. kahit saan.

42. E pinakamadaming guwapo?
~ ewan. kahit saan.

43. Saan makikita ang Tennis Court?
~ sa may.. sa may... ye.

44. Saan makikita ang Chinese Engravings?
~ sa lane sa harap ng main.

45. Bago ang Carpark, ano ang patok na kainan dati sa loob ng USTe?
~ Nung dumating kami. Carpark na ang patok eh. :P -->> agreed. :| ewan. si manong ice cream?

46. Saan makikita ang seal ng Spain?
~ sa espanya, lol.

47. Gaano kalalim ang swimming pool?
~ sabi ng kaibigan ko hanggang langit daw lalim nun. :|

48. May canteen ba sa Main Building?
~ Meron. Sa taas. :)

49. Alam mo bang may ilang camera na nakakalat sa campus?
~ f-for free? lol.

50. Ilan ang giant statues sa taas ng main building?
~ basta madami, lol.

"people seek redemption,

2009-03-17T04:01:00.000-07:00

Mood: stressed
Now Playing: her morning elegance, oren lavie

other seek happiness. Still others go in pursuit of prominence. I seek only peace." were the words i had written quite some time ago, but couldn't bring myself to publish. There it remained, a draft, here in the posts tab. As to why, however, i have no idea. Maybe it's just me. Or the turtles. Or the dogs - sorry - the dog. Or this effing deafening boredom inside the house that prompts me to write something so... existential. Great.

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I love summer rain. Maybe i'll take an afternoon shower. If it rains.

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Just a Quick Post

2009-03-07T14:41:00.000-08:00

So i'm typing this post at the Multiply blog typing tool. (yay, 1st multiply post, lol.) Probably the major difference here is that i can use instead of the plain old :O. Oh, and im checking if this post would cross post to my main blog. Ayun.

Yesterday, we spent majority of the day at the UST lib, catching up on some of the things that needed catching up on. I've finally finished my english term paper, and it's looking.... like an english term paper.

I'll be going for a bit. Will blog about the ginormous shoes i've been wearing this whole week later.

Backflipping and Stuff

2009-03-06T04:03:00.000-08:00

Mood: melancholic.
Now Playing: the corrs' version of an REM original, Everybody Hurts.

Today, as i was running a few minutes after the 7 am bell, i fell backfirst from the stairs. It was a good thing i was only one or three steps away from solid ground, otherwise i could have died. Im not kidding nor exaggerating nor implementing any writing strategies. I COULD HAVE DIED.

But i'm still alive, so i guess i could still harp on about how i got face to face with Death. B-)

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I think i'm dying, anyways. Thanks to that incident, i was so fucking wasted, i couldn't focus on my logic quiz. LOGIC. To think that it was the one test i pulled an all-nighter this week. I was like sweating buckets, and my ass and my back and my foot and my elbow were all screaming atrocities at me. I wasn't in pain; it transcends it. Good thing i was seated upfront; the aircon helped blow away some of the pain.

So, thanks to that, i might as well kiss my summer plans goodbye.

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These past few days i've been encountering lots of people who are doing FABULOUSLY on their respective courses. Take note; i'm not saying my usual preferred term to describe people who are doing great: COOL. Im saying FABULOUSLY. FAAAABULOUSLY.

There's this kid, and he's ticking off his unos like bam-bam-bam-bam. He's a fucking DL. I can't believe it.

Then there is these two kids, and they don't have any fails. Just 1's and 2's. Again, i can't believe it.

I believe in signs. Whenever i come across a decision that's hard to make i look for signs. And in these two occasions, i feel that God is telling me something; fix your damn life already son.

The trouble is, i have no idea where to start.

Spending February, pt II

2009-02-27T02:49:00.000-08:00

Mood: creative! bwahaha.
Now Playing: the killer's latest album.

February the 23rd, Monday
Dress Rehearsal at IC.

Since the Dulasawit competition was slated for the day after, rehearsals were done in this little comedy bar/KTV/bar our professor knew. Talk about weird.

Before the rehearsals, a lot of us huddled together to organize Fessa and Bren's are you having fun/ birthday fucking surprise @ Tayuman. Birthdays means a lot, so aun. We ordered this huge motherfucking bouquet for Fessa, and a black t shirt with a customized design for Bren.

Bren's shirt design was originally a huge hotdog saying "sex means gender!" but i changed it to this at the last minute. Dunno why now though. :?

Dahil sa kelangan fresh ang mga bulaklak, kinuha nina shan at putchat ang bulaklak sa dangwa at nag paprint na rin ng shirt. Para matago namin sa loob ng IC ang mga bulaklak, kinuntsaba namin si Gene na dalhin si Pesa muna sa labas para makapasok sina Shan at Putchat sa loob.

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After rehearsals, we all agreed to eat out at SM Tayuman, just a ride away from the bar we practiced at. Shan, Putchat and Pesa all went ahead while Jhanna, Bren and I stayed behind at IC, with the excuse of helping Kat pile up all the props for tomorrow at her house.

Of course, that's all just the cover story; we can't have Fessa knowing we have this huge mothefucking bouquet hidden at the counter, can we? haha. Bren's was a lot easier to hide; it was safely tucked away inside my bag.

So aun. At SM, it was a game of cat and mouse. As the others walked about, we were hiding in ASTROVISION with a huge ass motherfucking bouquet. We were like the kings of stares that day; if every person's stare was worth ten pesos, we'd be rolling in fucking money now.

Another problem was giving the bouquet and shirt itself. Shan met us up later while we were still at Astrovision with the idea of having one of Tokyo Tokyo's attendants hand over the bouquet itself to Fessa in the middle of our lunch.

Coool.

For the meantime, we hid the flowers at the fuckage(excuse my french) the SM package counter. I think the clerk behind the counter was smiling as we handed over the flowers. haha, lol.

Everyone met up later at Tokyo Tokyo, and i could almost hear my wallet wincing in pain as i shelled out a hundred bucks. Fudge. The food itself was delicious, though. We ordered three bento boxes, and since it comes with unlimited rice, YEAH. :))

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A few minutes later, Putchat and i excused ourselves with the pretense of buying iced tea at Kenny's.

Still a few minutes later, we were carrying a huge ass mothefucking bouquet over to Tokyo Tokyo. An attendant was selling sushi at the front of the store, and after explaining the situation, promptly agreed to give the flower to her.

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One of the cool things about Fessa is that she's the kind of girl that laughs a lot and gets embarrassed easily. So you could imagine her face when Kuya Tokyo Tokyo gave her a bouquet of huge ass flowers.

BAM.

A rush of images then ensued. Fessa began hitting the bouquet to the person nearest her - Jhanna. Me, whipping out the black shirt out of my bag, and presenting it to Bren's face. Shan and Jhanna videoing the whole scene. Putchat, laughing her trademark laugh. With screams of laughter and loud words, we sang a chorus of Happy Birtday, with a lot of people were eyeing us, laughter and surprise and whatnot evident in their faces.

AY MAY BIDJO NA PALA, BWAHAHA!

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After having our fill of watching passers-by staring at the flowers in hand, the rest of the group continued to Jhecka's, to help her paint the rest of the staff uniforms. I didn't go, though. Headache attack was too much, i was nosebleeding all the way home. Other passengers looked at me as if i had AIDS or something. lol.